Completing Midnight Sun
by PaperArtist
Summary: Unlike most "Midnight Sun" completions this is not just my opinions of who I think the character is, but rather a discovery - keeping original dialog and actions this truly completes what Stephanie Meyer started in revealing his character to us.
1. Contents and Preface

Disclaimer to all of this- Stephanie Meyer owns the rights and I'm not getting anything from this except relief from the torture of an unfinished book! I hope it will bring some relief to all of you as well.

"Midnight Sun" as many of you might know is Edwards point of view in Twilight. The dialog is from the original book and I've also kept what they do in between the dialog as accurate to the original as well, but of course bringing it all to come from Edwards fascinating, mind-reading, introspective, over thought out point of view. Not to mention the chapters and scenes that I got to make up on my own! Those were in some ways the most fun, and after delving into his character, I've become extremely picky about fanfiction from Edward point of view. Hope you all appreciate the overthought out work that I've done examining his character as Stephanie Meyer began it.

**-Contents**

1. FIRST SIGHT

2. OPEN BOOK

3. PHENOMENON

4. VISIONS

5. INVITATIONS

6. BLOOD TYPE

7. MELODY

8. GHOST

9. PORT ANGELES

10. THEORY

11. INTERROGATIONS

12. COMPLICATIONS

13. REVELATIONS

14. BALANCING

15. CONFESSIONS

16. MIND OVER MATTER

17. THE CULLENS

18. CARLISLE

19. THE GAME

20. THE HUNT

21. GOODBYES

22. IMPATIENCE

23. HIDE-AND-SEEK

24. INTROSPECTIONS

25. AN IMPASSE

EPILOGUE: AN OCCASION

**Preface**

I had never considered how I would cease to exist yet I needed to find a way to follow her when she died. All of these months of denial and torture that I'd endured to make myself safe for her meant nothing in the end.

She lay crumpled and bleeding on shards of broken glass. Each particle reflected the crimson drops of blood that called to me, and all I could think of was how I'd done this to her.

I brought all of this pain into her life, and there could never truly be a happy ending for our love story. If she lived through this, how could she believe I loved her after what I was about to do?

She writhed in pain and her screams of agony tore through my mind as I pressed my lips to her skin and began to drink her blood.

**A/N the preface is a bit sentimental perhaps, but I was trying to make it mirror Bella's preface in Twilight. **

**If you don't feel like reading the entire thing to follow the arc of the character, at least check out the chapters that weren't in Twilight especially 22, 23, 24, and the epilogue. They lose something when they don't have the build up of the previous chapters, but could be a good one shot of what Edward does when he's not with Bella (and the epilogue is just really fun to read from a mind-readers point of view.) The mind-reading is often the hardest part to write, but it's my favorite to delve into or read because you get to know all the stuff you've always wanted to know. Let me know if you enjoy all my hard work! :]  
**

Update! First of all, I want to thank you all so much for reading. All of you make me blush. Writing's been a longtime hobby of mine, and it's really, really amazing to hear how much you guys love this project. Onto the update!

I've opened my first Etsy store! One of my other longtime hobbies is making artwork - the impossible kind. My avatar is actually a folded paper artwork, and I'm selling now!

Visit my store at etsy shop/ FoldedVisions. (No spaces.)

I know they're a little pricey (hey, it's fine art!), but I'm also thinking about doing some prints for $20-$30. PM me if you're interested!


	2. Stephanie Meyer

This next "chapter" is actually 12 chapters in one. I DID NOT WRITE IT! Stephanie Meyer wrote all of this and it can be found on her website if you would rather read it there, feel free. There were a few reasons why I chose to post this. The first was because I don't want anyone to read the second half (the part that I did) without reading this first. You'd be missing some great moments that she came up with. The second reason is complicated. She chose to not finish this book because she said that she was really angry that the unfinished manuscript was leaked out and people read it. Illogically, she then posted said unfinished manuscript on her website. It makes more sense to me that she would want it to be read without typos and with grammatical errors corrected. My husband who has been an English tutor and would like to be again as his skills are so well suited to that did the editing for me! I do have to say that I changed one word. It's a small passing thing... but she'd mentioned his Aston Martin "Vanquish" and in the original saga this car is only ever spoken of in the last book. I wondered why he would have an awesome sports car that first came out in like 2000 (so we are talking pretty new for this time frame) and he NEVER DROVE IT? Doesn't make sense. I changed the "Vanquish" to the "Vantage" that came out in 1995 or something... thinking that this made more sense for him to not be using it at all in the books since he probably had a lot of fun with it when he first got it several years before. There are a few other reasons for this change, but I will explain that later when it becomes necessary (don't want to give too much away.) The last reason why I wanted to post this portion was simply because I'd done all the work of typing it (this is how I study, and I got SO much more understanding for Edwards character by doing so) and I so I thought. Why not?

If Stephanie Meyer ever sees all this though I really really don't want her to be mad at me. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" as Anne of Green Gables said, and I've spent a lot of time to finish this in a way that I think she would approve.

What comes is all her.. totally awesome stuff. ;)

-**1. First Sight**

This was the time of day when I wished I were able to sleep.

High school.

Or was purgatory the right word? If there _was_ any way to atone for my sins, this ought to count toward the tally in some measure. The tedium was not something I grew used to. Every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last.

I suppose this _was _my form of sleep - if sleep was defined as the inert state between active periods.

I stared at the cracks running through the plaster in the far corner of the cafeteria, imagining patterns into them that were not there. It was one way to tune out the voices that babbled like the gush of a river inside my head.

Several hundred of these voices I ignored out of boredom.

When it came to the human mind, I'd heard it all before and then some. Today, all thoughts were consumed with the trivial drama of a new addition to the small student body here. It took so little to work them all up. I'd seen the new face repeated in thought after thought from every angle. Just an ordinary human girl. The excitement over her arrival was tiresomely predictable - like flashing a shiny object at a child. Half the sheep-like males were already imagining themselves in love with her, just because she was something new to look at. I tried hard to tune them out.

Only four voices did I block out of courtesy rather than distaste: my family, my two brothers and two sisters, who were so used to the lack of privacy in my presence that they rarely gave it a thought. I gave them what privacy I could. I tried not to listen if I could help it.

Try as I might, I still knew.

Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself. She'd caught sight of her profile in the reflection off someone's glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection. Rosalie's mind was a shallow pool with few surprises.

Emmett was fuming over a wrestling match he'd lost to Jasper during the night. It would take all his limited patience to make it to the end of the school day to orchestrate a rematch. I never really felt intrusive hearing Emmett's thoughts because he never thought one thing that he would not say aloud or put into action. Perhaps I only felt guilty reading the others' minds because I knew there were things there that they wouldn't want me to know. If Rosalie's mind was a shallow pool, then Emmett's was a lake with no shadows, glass clear.

And Jasper was … suffering. I suppressed a sigh.

_Edward._ Alice called my name in her head and had my attention at once.

It was just the same as having my name called aloud. I was glad my given name had fallen out of style lately. It had been annoying before when anyone thought of any Edward, my head would turn automatically.

My head didn't turn now. Alice and I were good at these private conversations. It was rare that anyone caught us. I kept my eyes on the lines in the plaster.

_How is he holding up? _she asked me.

I frowned, just a small change in the set of my mouth. Nothing that would tip the others off. I could easily be frowning out of boredom.

Alice's mental tone was alarmed now, and I saw in her mind that she was watching Jasper in her peripheral vision. _Is there any danger? _She searched ahead, into the immediate future, skimming through visions of monotony for the source behind my frown.

I turned my head slowly to the left, as if looking at the bricks of the wall, sighed, and then to the right, back to the cracks in the ceiling. Only Alice knew I was shaking my head.

She relaxed. _Let me know if it gets too bad._

I moved only my eyes, up to the ceiling above, and back down.

_Thanks for doing this._

I was glad I couldn't answer her aloud. What would I say? "My pleasure"? It was hardly that. I didn't enjoy listening to Jasper's struggles. Was it really necessary to experiment like this? Wouldn't the safer path be to just admit that he might never be able to handle the thirst the way the rest of us could - and not push his limits? Why flirt with disaster?

It had been two weeks since our last hunting trip. That was not an immensely difficult time span for the rest of us. A little uncomfortable occasionally - if a human walked too close, if the wind blew the wrong way. But humans rarely walked too close. Their instincts told them what their conscious minds would never understand: We were dangerous.

Jasper was very dangerous right now.

At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours, stopping to talk to a friend. She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers through it. The heaters blew her scent in our direction. I was used to the way that scent made me feel: the dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatic tightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth…

This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore. It was harder just now, with the feelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jasper's reaction. Twin thirsts, rather than just mine.

Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him. He was picturing it, picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the little girl. Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, and letting his lips touch the arch of her throat. Imagining how the hot flow of her pulse beneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth…

I kicked his chair.

He met my gaze for a minute, and then looked down. I could hear shame and rebellion war in his head.

"Sorry," Jasper muttered.

I shrugged.

"You weren't going to do anything," Alice murmured to him, soothing his chagrin. "I could see that."

I fought back the grimace that would give her lie away. We had to stick together, Alice and I. It wasn't easy, hearing voices or seeing visions of the future. Both freaks among those who were already freaks. We protected each other's secrets.

"It helps a little if you think of them as people," Alice suggested, her high, musical voice too fast for human ears to understand, if any had been close enough to hear. "Her name is Whitney. She has a baby sister she adores. Her mother invited Esme to that garden party, do you remember?"

"I know who she is," Jasper said curtly. He turned away to stare out one of the small windows that were spaced just under the eaves around the long room. His tone ended the conversation.

He would have to hunt tonight. It was ridiculous to take risks like this, trying to test his strength, to build his endurance. Jasper should just accept his limitations and work within them. His former habits were not conducive to our chosen lifestyle; he shouldn't push himself in this way.

Alice sighed silently and stood, taking her tray of food - her prop, as it were - with her and leaving him alone. She knew when he'd had enough of her encouragement. Though Rosalie and Emmett were more flagrant about their relationship, it was Alice and Jasper who knew each other's every mood as well as their own. As if they could read minds, too, only just each other's.

_Edward Cullen._

Reflex reaction. I turned to the sound of my name being called, though it wasn't being called, just thought.

My eyes locked for a small portion of a second with a pair of wide, chocolate-brown human eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face. I knew the face though I'd never seen it myself before this moment. It had been foremost in every human head today. The new student, Isabella Swan. Daughter of the town's chief of police, brought to live here by some new custody situation. Bella. She'd corrected everyone who'd used her full name.

I looked away, bored. It took me a second to realize that she had not been the one to think my name.

_Of course she's already crushing on the Cullens_,the first thought continue.

Now I recognized the 'voice.' Jessica Stanley. It had been a while since she'd bothered me with her internal chatter. What a relief it had been when she'd gotten over her misplaced infatuation. It used to be nearly impossible to escape her constant, ridiculous daydreams. I had wished at the time that I could explain to her_ exactly_ what would have happened if my lips, and the teeth behind them, had gotten anywhere near her. That would have silenced those annoying fantasies. The thought of her reaction almost made me smile.

_Fat lot of good it will do her, _Jessica went on. _She's really not even pretty. I don't know why Eric is staring so much … or Mike._

She winced mentally on the last name. Her new infatuation, the generically popular Mike Newton was completely oblivious to her. Apparently, he was not as oblivious to the new girl. Like the child with the shiny object again. This put a mean edge to Jessica's thoughts, though she was outwardly cordial to the newcomer as she explained to her the commonly held knowledge about my family. The new student must have asked about us.

_Everyone's looking at me today, too, _Jessica thought smugly in an aside. _Isn't it lucky Bella had two classes with me. I'll bet Mike will want to ask me what she's_-

I tried to block the inane chatter out of my head before the petty and the trivial could drive me mad.

"Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan girl all the dirty laundry on the Cullen clan," I murmured to Emmett as a distraction.

He chuckled under his breath. _I hope she's making it good,_ he thought.

"Rather unimaginative, actually. Just the barest hint of scandal. Not an ounce of horror. I'm a little disappointed."

_And the new girl? Is she disappointed in the gossip as well?_

I listened to hear what this Bella thought of Jessica's story. What did she see when she looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universally avoided?

It was sort of my responsibility to know her reaction. I acted as a lookout, for lack of a better word, for my family. To protect us. If anyone ever grew suspicious, I could give us early warning and an easy retreat. It happened occasionally. Some human with an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie. Usually they got it wrong, but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny. Very, very rarely, someone would guess right. We didn't give them a chance to test their hypothesis. We simply disappeared, becoming no more than a frightening memory…

I heard nothing though I listened close beside where Jessica's frivolous internal monologue continued to gush. It was as if there was no one sitting beside her. How peculiar. Had the girl moved? That didn't seem likely, as Jessica was still babbling to her. I looked up to check, feeling off-balance. Checking on what my extra 'hearing' could tell me - that wasn't something I ever had to do.

Again, my gaze locked on those same wide brown eyes. She was sitting right where she had been before and looking at us, a natural thing to be doing, I supposed, as Jessica was still regaling her with the local gossip about the Cullens.

Thinking about us, too, would be natural.

But I couldn't hear a whisper.

Inviting warm red stained her cheeks as she looked down, away from the embarrassing gaffe of getting caught staring at a stranger. It was good that Jasper was still gazing out the window. I didn't like to imagine what that easy pooling of blood would do to his control.

The emotions had been as clear on her face as if they were spelled out in words across her forehead: surprise, as she unknowingly absorbed the signs of the subtle differences between her kind and mine; curiosity, as she listened to Jessica's tale; and something more… fascination? It wouldn't be the first time. We were beautiful to them, our intended prey. Then, finally, embarrassment, as I caught her staring at me.

And yet, though her thoughts had been so clear in her odd eyes - odd, because brown eyes often seemed flat in their darkness - I could hear nothing but silence from the place she was sitting. Nothing at all.

I felt a moment of unease.

This was nothing I'd ever encountered before. Was there something wrong with me? I felt exactly the same as I always did. Worried, I listened harder.

All the voices I'd been blocking were suddenly shouting in my head.

_…wonder what music she likes…maybe I could mention that new CD… _Mike Newton was thinking, two tables away - fixated on Bella Swan.

_Look at him staring at her. Isn't it enough that he has half the girls in school waiting for him to… _Eric Yorkie was thinking sulfurous thoughts, also revolving around the girl.

_…so disgusting. You'd think she was famous or something… Even Edward _Cullen, _staring… _Lauren Mallory was so jealous that her face, by all rights, should be dark jade in color. _And Jessica, flaunting her new best friend. What a joke…_ Vitriol continued to spew from the girl's thoughts.

_…I bet everyone has asked her that. But I'd like to talk to her. I'll think of a more original question… _Ashley Dowling mused.

_…maybe she'll be in my Spanish… _June Richardson hoped.

_…tons left to do tonight! Trig, and the English test. I hope Mom… _Angela Weber, a quiet girl, whose thoughts were unusually kind, was the only one at the table who wasn't obsessed with this Bella.

I could hear them all, every insignificant thing they were thinking as it passed through their minds. But nothing at all from the new student with the deceptively communicative eyes.

And, of course, I could hear what the girl said when she spoke to Jessica. I didn't have to read minds to be able to hear her low, clear voice on the far side of the long room.

"Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?" I heard her ask, sneaking a look at me from the corner of her eye, only to look quickly away when she saw that I was still staring.

If I'd had time to hope that hearing the sound of her voice would help me pinpoint the tone of her thoughts, lost somewhere where I couldn't access them, I was instantly disappointed. Usually, people's thoughts came to them in a similar pitch as their physical voices. But this quiet, shy voice was unfamiliar, not one of the hundreds of thoughts bouncing around the room, I was sure of that. Entirely new.

_Oh, good luck, idiot! _Jessica thought before answering the girl's question. "That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed.

I turned my head away to hide my smile. Jessica and her classmates had no idea how lucky they were that none of them particularly appealed to me.

Beneath the transient humor, I felt a strange impulse, one I did not clearly understand. It had something to do with the vicious edge to Jessica's thoughts that the new girl was unaware of… I felt the strangest urge to step in between them, to shield this Bella Swan from the darker workings of Jessica's mind. What an odd thing to feel. Trying to ferret out the motivations behind the impulse, I examined the new girl one more time.

Perhaps it was just some long buried protective instinct - the strong for the weak. This girl looked more fragile than her new classmates. Her skin was so translucent it was hard to believe it offered her much defense from the outside world. I could see the rhythmic pulse of blood through her veins under the clear, pale membrane … I shouldn't concentrate on that. I was good at this life I'd chosen, but I was just as thirsty as Jasper - and there was no point in inviting temptation.

There was a faint crease between her eyebrows that she seemed unaware of.

It was unbelievably frustrating! I could clearly see that it was a strain for her to sit there, to make conversation with strangers, to be the center of attention. I could sense how shy she was from the way she held her frail-looking shoulders slightly hunched, as if she was expecting a rebuff at any moment. And yet I could only sense, could only see, could only imagine. There was nothing but silence from the very unexceptional human girl. I could hear nothing. Why?

"Shall we?" Rosalie murmured, interrupting my focus.

I looked away from the girl with a sense of relief. I didn't want to continue to fail at this; it irritated me. And I didn't want to develop any interest in her hidden thoughts simply because they were hidden from me. No doubt, when I did decipher her thoughts - and I _would _find a way to do so - they would be just as petty and trivial as any human's thoughts. Not worth the effort I would expend to reach them.

"So, is the new one afraid of us yet?" Emmett asked, still waiting for my response to his question before.

I shrugged. He wasn't interested enough to press for more information. Nor should I be interested.

We got up from the table and walked out of the cafeteria.

Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were pretending to be seniors; they left for their classes. I was playing a younger role than they. I headed off for my junior level biology class, preparing my mind for the tedium. It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.

In the classroom, I settled into my chair and let my books - props, again; they held nothing I didn't already know - spill across the table. I was the only student who had a table to himself. The humans weren't smart enough to _know_ that they feared me, but their survival instincts were enough to keep them away.

The room slowly filled as they trickled in from lunch. I leaned back in my chair and waited for the time to pass. Again, I wished I was able to sleep.

Because I'd been thinking about her, when Angela Weber escorted the new girl through the door, her name intruded on my attention.

_Bella seems just as shy as me. I'll bet today is really hard for her. I wish I could say something…but it would probably just sound stupid…_

_ Yes! _Mike Newton thought, turning in his seat to watch the girls enter.

Still, from the place where Bella Swan stood, nothing. The empty space where her thoughts should be irritated and unnerved me.

She came closer, walking down the aisle beside me to get to the teacher's desk. Poor girl, the seat next to me was the only one available. Automatically, I cleared what would be her side of the desk, shoving my books into a pile. I doubted she would feel very comfortable there. She was in for a long semester - in this class, at least. Perhaps, though, sitting beside her, I'd be able to flush out her secrets … not that I'd ever needed close proximity before … not that I would find anything worth listening to…

Bella Swan walked into the flow of the heated air that blew toward me from the vent.

Her scent hit me like a wrecking ball, like a battering ram. There was no image violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment.

In that instant, I was nothing close to the human I'd once been; no trace of the shreds of humanity I'd managed to cloak myself in remained.

I was a predator. She was my prey. There was nothing else in the whole world but that truth.

There was no room full of witnesses. They were already collateral damage in my head. The mystery of her thoughts was forgotten. Her thoughts meant nothing, for she would not go on thinking them much longer.

I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood I'd smelled in eighty years.

I hadn't imagined such a scent could exist. If I'd known it did, I would have gone searching for it long ago. I would have combed the planet for her. I could imagine the taste…

Thirst burned through my throat like fire. My mouth was baked and desiccated. The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation. My stomach twisted with the hunger that was an echo of the thirst. My muscles coiled to spring.

Not a full second had passed. She was still taking the same step that had put her downwind from me.

As her foot touched the ground, her eyes slid toward me, a movement she clearly meant to be stealthy. Her glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirror of her eyes.

The shock of the face I saw there saved her life for a few thorny moments.

She didn't make it easier. When she processed the expression on my face, blood flooded her cheeks again, turning her skin the most delicious color I'd ever seen. The scent was a thick haze in my brain. I could barely think through it. My thoughts raged, resisting control, incoherent.

She walked more quickly now, as if she understood the need to escape. Her haste made her clumsy; she tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in front of me. Vulnerable, weak. Even more than usual for a human.

I tried to focus on the face I'd seen in her eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion. The face of the monster in me - the face I'd beaten back with decades of effort and uncompromising discipline. How easily it sprang to the surface now!

The scent swirled around me again, scattering my thoughts and nearly propelling me out of my seat.

No.

My hand gripped under the edge of the table as I tried to hold myself in my chair. The wood was not up to the task. My hand crushed through the strut and came away with a palmful of splintered pulp, leaving the shape of my fingers carved into the remaining wood.

Destroy evidence. That was a fundamental rule. I quickly pulverized the edges of the shape with my fingertips, leaving nothing but a ragged hole and a pile of shavings on the floor, which I scattered with my foot.

Destroy evidence. Collateral damage…

I knew what had to happen now. The girl would have to come, sit beside me, and I would have to kill her.

The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see.

I flinched at the thought of what I must do. Even at my very worst, I had never committed this kind of atrocity. I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades. And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once.

The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me.

Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning it.

If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her before the humans in the room would react. Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did not realize what I was doing. She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would not kill her cruelly. That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirable blood.

But then I would have to stop them from escaping. I wouldn't have to worry about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone. Just the door. Block that and they were trapped.

It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos. Not impossible, but there would be much more noise. Time for lots of screaming. Someone would hear … and I'd be forced to kill even more innocents in this black hour.

And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others.

The scent punished me, closing my throat with dry aching…

So the witnesses first, then.

I mapped it out in my head. I was in the middle of the room, the furthest row in the back. I would take my right side first. I could snap four or five of their necks per second, I estimated. It would not be noisy. The right side would be the lucky side; they would not see me coming. Moving around the front and back up the left side, it would take me, at most, five seconds to end every life in this room.

Long enough for Bella Swan to see, briefly, what was coming for her. Long enough for her to feel fear. Long enough, maybe, if shock didn't freeze her in place, for her to work up a scream. One soft scream that would not bring anyone running.

I took a deep breath, and the scent was a fire that raced through my dry veins, burning out from my chest to consume every better impulse that I was capable of.

She was just turning now. In a few seconds, she would sit down inches away from me.

The monster in my head smiled in anticipation.

Someone slammed shut a folder on my left. I didn't look up to see which doomed human it was. But the motion sent a wave of ordinary, unscented air wafting across my face.

For one short second, I was able to think clearly. In that precious second, I saw two faces in my head, side by side.

One was mine, or rather had been: the red-eyed monster that had killed so many people that I'd stop counting their numbers. Rationalized, justified murders. A killer of killers, a killer of other, less powerful monsters. It was a god complex - I acknowledged that - deciding who deserved a death sentence. It was a compromise with myself. I had fed on human blood, but only by the loosest definition. My victims were, in their various dark pastimes, barely more human than I was.

The other face was Carlisle's.

There was no resemblance between the two faces. They were bright day and blackest night.

There was no reason for there to be a resemblance. Carlisle was not my father in the basic biological sense. We shared no common features. The similarity in our coloring was a product of what we were; every vampire had the same ice pale skin. The similarity in the color of our eyes was another matter, a reflection of a mutual choice.

And yet, though there was no basis for a resemblance, I'd imagined that my face had begun to reflect his, to an extent, in the last seventy-odd years that I had embraced his choice and followed in his steps. My features had not changed, but it seemed to me like some of his wisdom had marked my expression, that a little of his compassion could be traced in the shape of my mouth, and hints of his patience were evident on my brow.

All those tiny improvements were lost in the face of the monster. In a few moments, there would be nothing left in me that would reflect the years I'd spent with my creator, my mentor, my father in all the ways that counted. My eyes would glow red as a devil's. All likeness would be lost forever.

In my head, Carlisle's kind eyes did not judge me. I knew that he would forgive me for this horrible act that I would do. Because he loved me. Because he thought I was better than I was. And he would still love me, even as I now proved him wrong.

Bella Swan sat down in the chair next to me, her movements stiff and awkward - with fear? - and the scent of her blood bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me.

I would prove my father wrong about me. The misery of this fact hurt almost as much as the fire in my throat.

I leaned away from her in revulsion, revolted by the monster aching to take her.

Why did she have to come here? Why did she have to exist? Why did she have to ruin the little peace I had in this non-life of mine? Why had this aggravating human ever been born? She would ruin me.

I turned my face away from her, as a sudden fierce, unreasoning hatred washed through me.

Who _was _this creature? Why me, why now? Why did I have to lose everything just because she happened to choose this unlikely town to appear in?

Why had she come here!

I didn't want to be the monster! I didn't want to kill this room full of harmless children! I didn't want to lose everything I'd gained in a lifetime of sacrifice and denial!

I wouldn't. She couldn't make me.

The scent was the problem, the hideously appealing scent of her blood. If there was only some way to resist…if only another gust of fresh air could clear my head.

Bella Swan shook out her long, thick, mahogany hair in my direction.

Was she insane? It was as if she were encouraging the monster! Taunting him.

There was no friendly breeze to blow the smell away from me now. All would soon be lost.

No, there was no helpful breeze. But I didn't _have _to breathe.

I stopped the flow of air through my lungs; the relief was instantaneous but incomplete. I still had the memory of the scent in my head, the taste of it on the back of my tongue. I wouldn't be able to resist even that for long. But perhaps I could resist for an hour. One hour. Just enough time to get out of this room full of victims, victims that maybe didn't have to _be _victims. If I could resist for one short hour.

It was an uncomfortable feeling, not breathing. My body did not need oxygen, but it went against my instincts. I relied on scent more than my other senses in times of stress. It led the way in the hunt; it was the first warning in case of danger. I did not often come across something as dangerous as I was, but self-preservation was just as strong in my kind as it was in the average human.

Uncomfortable but manageable. More bearable than smelling _her_ and not sinking my teeth through that fine, thin, see-through skin to the hot, wet, pulsing-

An hour! Just one hour. I must not think of the scent, the taste.

The silent girl kept her hair between us, leaning forward so that it spilled across her folder. I couldn't see her face, to try to read the emotions in her clear, deep eyes. Was this why she'd let her tresses fan out between us? To hide those eyes from me? Out of fear? Shyness? To keep her secrets away?

My former irritation at being stymied by her soundless thoughts was weak and pale in comparison to the need - and the hate - that possessed me now. For I hated this frail woman- child beside me, hated her with all the fervor with which I clung to my former self, my love of my family, my dreams of being something better than what I was. Hating her - hating how she made me feel - it helped a little. Yes, the irritation I'd felt before was weak, but it, too, helped a little. I clung to any emotion that distracted me from imagining what she would _taste_ like…

Hate and irritation. Impatience. Would the hour never pass?

And when the hour ended… Then she would walk out of this room. And I would do what?

I could introduce myself. _Hello, my name is Edward Cullen. May I walk you to your next class?_

She would say yes. It would be the polite thing to do. Even already fearing me, as I suspected she did, she would follow convention and walk beside me. It should be easy enough to lead her in the wrong direction. A spur of the forest reached out like a finger to touch the back corner of the parking lot. I could tell her I'd forgotten a book in my car…

Would anyone notice that I was the last person she'd been seen with? It was raining, as usual; two dark raincoats heading the wrong direction wouldn't pique too much interest, or give me away.

Except that I was not the only student who was aware of her today - though not as blisteringly aware as I was. Mike Newton, in particular, was conscious of every shift in her weight as she fidgeted in her chair. She was uncomfortable so close to me, just as anyone would be, just as I'd expected before her scent had destroyed all charitable concern. Mike Newton would notice if she left the classroom with me.

If I could last an hour, could I last two?

I flinched at the pain of the burning.

She would go home to an empty house. Police chief Swan worked a full day. I knew his house, as I knew every house in the tiny town. His home was nestled right up against thick woods, with no close neighbors. Even if she had time to scream (which she would not) there would be no one to hear.

That would be the responsible way to deal with this. I'd gone seven decades without human blood. If I held my breath, I could last two hours. And when I had her alone, there would be no chance of anyone else getting hurt. _And no reason to rush through the experience, _the monster in my head agreed.

It was sophistry to think that by saving the nineteen humans in this room with effort and patience, I would be less of monster when I killed this innocent girl.

Though I hated her, I knew my hatred was unjust. I knew that what I really hated was myself. And I would hate us both so much more when she was dead.

I made it through the hour in this way, imagining the best ways to kill her. I tried to avoid imagining the actual _act._ That might be too much for me; I might lose this battle and end up killing everyone in sight. So I planned strategy, and nothing more. It carried me through the hour.

Once, toward the very end, she peeked up at me through the fluid wall of her hair. I could feel the unjustified hatred burning out of me as I met her gaze; I could see the reflection of it in her frightened eyes. Blood painted her cheek before she could hide in her hair again, and I was nearly undone.

But the bell rang. Saved by the bell. How cliché. We were both saved. She, saved from death; I, saved for just a short time from being the nightmarish creature I feared and loathed.

I couldn't walk as slowly as I should as I darted from the room. If anyone had been looking at me, they might have suspected that there was something not right about the way I moved. No one was paying attention to me. All human thoughts still swirled around the girl who was condemned to die in little more than an hour's time.

I hid in my car.

I didn't like to think of myself having to hide. How cowardly that sounded. But it was unquestionably the case now.

I didn't have enough discipline left to be around humans now. Focusing so much of my efforts on not killing _one_ of them left me no resources to resist the others. What a waste that would be. If I were to give in to the monster, I might as well make it worth the defeat.

I played a CD of music that usually calmed me, but it did little for me now. No, what helped most now was the cool, wet, clean air that drifted with the light rain through my open windows. Though I could remember the scent of Bella Swan's blood with perfect clarity, inhaling the clean air was like washing out the inside of my body from its infection.

I was sane again. I could think again. And I could fight again. I could fight against what I didn't want to be.

I didn't have to go to her home. I didn't have to kill her. Obviously, I was a rational, thinking creature, and I had a choice. There was always a choice.

It hadn't felt that way in the classroom. But I was away from her now. Perhaps, if I avoided her very, very carefully, there was no need for my life to change. I had things ordered the way I liked them now. Why should I let some aggravating and delicious nobody ruin that?

I didn't _have_ to disappoint my father. I didn't have to cause my mother stress, worry, even pain. Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother, too. And Esme was so gentle, so tender and soft. Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable.

How ironic that I'd wanted to protect this human girl from the paltry, toothless threat of Jessica Stanley's snide thoughts. I was the last person who would ever stand as a protector for Isabella Swan. She would never need protection from anything more than she would from me.

Where was Alice? Hadn't she seen me killing the Swan girl in a multitude of ways? Why hadn't she come to help - to stop me or help me clean up the evidence, whichever? Was she so absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasper that she'd missed this much more horrific possibility? Was I stronger than I thought? Would I really not have done anything to the girl?

No. I knew that wasn't true. Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard.

I searched in the direction I knew she would be, in the small building used for English classes. It did not take me long to locate her familiar 'voice.' And I was right. Her every thought was turned to Jasper, watching his small choices with minute scrutiny.

I wished I could ask her advice, but at the same time, I was glad she didn't know what I was capable of. That she was unaware of the massacre I had considered in the last hour.

I felt a new burn through my body, the burn of shame. I didn't want any of them to know.

If I could avoid Bella Swan, if I could manage not to kill her - even as I thought that, the monster writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustration - then no one would have to know. If I could keep away from her scent…

There was no reason why I shouldn't try, at least. Make a good choice. Try to be what Carlisle thought I was.

The last hour of school was almost over. I decided to put my new plan into action at once. Better than sitting here in the parking lot where she might pass me and ruin my attempt. Again, I felt the unjust hatred for the girl. I hated that she had this unconscious power over me. That she could make me be something I reviled.

I walked swiftly - a little too swiftly, but no one saw - across the tiny campus to the office. There was no reason for Bella Swan to cross paths with me. She would be avoided like the plague she was.

The office was empty except for the secretary, the one I wanted to see.

She didn't notice my silent entrance.

"Mrs. Cope?"

The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened. It always caught them off guard, the little markers they didn't understand, no matter how many times they'd seen one of us before.

"Oh," she gasped, a little flustered. She smoothed her shirt. _Silly, _she thought to herself. _He's almost young enough to be my son. Too young to think of that way… _"Hello, Edward. What can I do for you?" Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thick glasses.

Uncomfortable. But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be. It was easy since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken.

I leaned forward, meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless, small brown eyes. Her thoughts were already in a flutter. This should be simple.

"I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule," I said in the soft voice I reserved for not scaring humans.

I heard the tempo of her heart increase.

"Of course, Edward. How can I help?" _Too young, too young, _she chanted to herself. Wrong, of course. I was older than her grandfather. But according to my driver's license, she was right.

"I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science? Physics, perhaps?"

"Is there a problem with Mr. Banner, Edward?"

"Not at all, it's just that I've already studied this material…"

"In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska, right." Her thin lips pursed as she considered this. _They should all be in college. I've heard the teachers complain. Perfect four point ohs, never a hesitation with a response, never a wrong answer on a test - like they've found some way to cheat in every subject. Mr. Varner would rather believe that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him… I'll bet their mother tutors them… _"Actually, Edward, physics is pretty much full right now. Mr. Banner hates to have more than twenty-five students in a class-"

"I wouldn't be any trouble."

_Of course not. Not a perfect Cullen. _"I know that, Edward. But there just aren't enough seats as it is…"

"Could I drop the class, then? I could use the period for independent study."

"Drop biology?" Her mouth fell open. _That's crazy. How hard is it to sit through a subject you already know? There _must _be a problem with Mr. Banner. I wonder if I should talk to Bob about it? _"You won't have enough credits to graduate."

"I'll catch up next year."

"Maybe you should talk to your parents about that."

The door opened behind me, but whoever it was did not think of me, so I ignored the arrival and concentrated on Mrs. Cope. I leaned slightly closer and held my eyes a little wider. This would work better if they were gold instead of black. The blackness frightened people, as it should.

"Please, Mrs. Cope?" I made my voice as smooth and compelling as it could be - and it could be considerably compelling. "Isn't there some other section I could switch to? I'm sure there has to be an open slot somewhere? Sixth hour biology can't be the only option…"

I smiled at her, careful not to flash my teeth so widely that it would scare her, letting the expression soften my face.

Her heart drummed faster. _Too young, _she reminded herself frantically. "Well, maybe I could talk to Bob- I mean Mr. Banner. I could see if-"

A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, my mission here, the reason I leaned toward the red-haired woman… What had been for one purpose before was now for another.

A second was all it took for Samantha Wells to open the door and place a signed tardy slip in the basket by the door, and hurry out again, in a rush to be away from school. A second was all it took for the sudden gust of wind through the open door to crash into me. A second was all it took for me to realize why that first person through the door had not interrupted me with her thoughts.

I turned though I did not need to make sure. I turned slowly, fighting to control the muscles that rebelled against me.

Bella Swan stood with her back pressed to the wall beside the door, a piece of paper clutched in her hands. Her eyes were even wider than usual as she took in my ferocious, inhuman glare.

The smell of her blood saturated every particle of air in the tiny, hot room. My throat burst into flames.

The monster glared back at me from the mirror of her eyes again, a mask of evil.

My hand hesitated in the air above the counter. I would not have to look back in order to reach across it and slam Mrs. Cope's head into her desk with enough force to kill her. Two lives, rather than twenty. A trade.

The monster waited anxiously, hungrily, for me to do it.

But there was always a choice- there _had _to be.

I cut off the motion of my lungs and fixed Carlisle's face in front of my eyes. I turned back to face Mrs. Cope and heard her internal surprise at the change in my expression. She shrank away from me, but her fear did not form into coherent words.

Using all the control I'd mastered in my decades of self-denial, I made my voice even and smooth. There was just enough air left in my lungs to speak once more, rushing through the words.

"Never mind, then. I can see that it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help."

I spun and launched myself from the room, trying not to feel the warm-blooded heat of the girl's body as I passed within inches of it.

I didn't stop until I was in my car, moving too fast the entire way there. Most of the humans had cleared out already, so there weren't a lot of witnesses. I heard a sophomore, D.J. Garrett, notice, and then disregard…

_Where did Cullen come from- it was like he just came out of thin air… There I go, with the imagination again. Mom always says…_

When I slid into my Volvo, the others were already there. I tried to control my breathing, but I was gasping at the fresh air like I'd been suffocated.

"Edward?" Alice asked, alarm in her voice.

I just shook my head at her.

"What the hell happened to you?" Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment, from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch.

Instead of answering, I threw the car into reverse. I had to get out of this lot before Bella Swan could follow me here, too. My own personal demon, haunting me… I swung the car around and accelerated. I hit 40 mph before I was on the road. On the road, I hit 70 mph before I made the corner.

Without looking, I knew that Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had all turned to stare at Alice. She shrugged. She couldn't see what had passed, only what was coming.

She looked ahead for me now. We both processed what she saw in her head, and we were both surprised.

"You're leaving?" she whispered.

The others stared at me now.

"Am I?" I hissed through my teeth.

She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in a darker direction.

"Oh."

Bella Swan, dead. My eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood. The search that would follow. The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and start again…

"Oh," she said again. The picture grew more specific. I saw the inside of Chief Swan's house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, her back to me as I stalked her from the shadows…let the scent pull me toward her…

"Stop!" I groaned, not able to bear more.

"Sorry," she whispered, her eyes wide.

The monster rejoiced.

And the vision in her head shifted again. An empty highway at night, the trees beside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour.

"I'll miss you," she said. "No matter how short a time you're gone."

Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance.

We were almost to the turn off onto the long drive that led to our home.

"Drop us here," Alice instructed. "You should tell Carlisle yourself."

I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop.

Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explain when I was gone. Alice touched my shoulder.

"You will do the right thing," she murmured. Not a vision this time- an order. "She's Charlie Swan's only family. It would kill him, too."

"Yes," I said, agreeing only with the last part.

She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety. They melted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around.

I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alice's head would be flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light. As I sped back to Forks doing 90 mph, I wasn't sure where I was going. To say goodbye to my father? Or to embrace the monster inside me? The road flew away beneath my tires.

**2. Open Book**

I leaned back against the soft snow bank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around my weight. My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice felt like velvet over my skin.

The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, yellow in others. The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe - an awesome sight. Exquisitely beautiful. Or rather, it should have been exquisite. Would have been, if I'd been able to really see it.

It wasn't getting any better. Six days had passed, six days I'd hidden here in this empty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the first moment that I'd caught her scent.

When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction between my eyes and their beauty. The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable human face, but I couldn't quite seem to banish it from my mind.

I heard the approaching thoughts before I heard the footsteps that accompanied them. The sound of movement was only a faint whisper against the powder.

I was not surprised that Tonya had followed me here. I knew she'd been mulling over this coming conversation for the last few days, putting it off until she was sure of exactly what she wanted to say.

She sprang into sight about sixty yards away, leaping onto the tip of an outcropping of black rock and balancing there on the balls of her bare feet.

Tanya's skin was silver in the starlight, and her long blond curls shone pale, almost pink with their strawberry tint. Her amber eyes glinted as she spied me, half-buried in the snow, and her full lips stretched slowly into a smile.

Exquisite. _If_ I'd really been able to see her. I sighed.

She crouched down on the point of the stone, her fingertips touching the rock, her body coiled.

_Cannonball, _she thought.

She launched herself into the air, her shape became a dark, twisting shadow as she spun gracefully between me and the stars. She curled herself into a ball just as she struck the piled snow bank beside me.

A blizzard of snow flew up around me. The stars went black, and I was buried deep in the feathery ice crystals.

I sighed again but didn't move to unearth myself. The blackness under the snow neither hurt nor improved the view. I still saw the same face.

"Edward?"

Then snow was flying again as Tanya swiftly disinterred me. She brushed the powder from my unmoving face, not quite meeting my eyes.

"Sorry," she murmured. "It was a joke."

"I know. It was funny."

Her mouth twisted down.

"Irina and Kate said I should leave you alone. They think I'm annoying you."

"Not at all," I assured her. "On the contrary, I'm the one who's being rude - abominably rude. I'm very sorry."

_You're going home, aren't you? _she thought.

"I haven't…entirely…decided that yet."

_But you're not staying here. _Her thought was wistful now, sad.

"No. It doesn't seem to be … helping."

She grimaced. "That's my fault, isn't it?"

"Of course not," I lied smoothly.

_Don't be a gentleman._

I smiled.

_I make you uncomfortable, _she accused.

"No."

She raised one eyebrow, her expression so disbelieving that I had to laugh. One short laugh, followed by another sigh.

"All right," I admitted. "A little bit."

She sighed, too, and put her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were chagrined.

"You're a thousand times lovelier than the stars, Tanya. Of course, you're already well aware of that. Don't let my stubbornness undermine your confidence." I chuckled at the unlikelihood of _that._

"I'm not used to rejection," she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into an attractive pout.

"Certainly not," I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts as she fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests. Mostly Tanya preferred human men. They were much more populous for one thing, with the added advantage of being soft and warm. And always eager, definitely.

"Succubus," I teased, hoping to interrupt the images flickering in her head.

She grinned, flashing her teeth. "The original."

Unlike Carlisle, Tanya and her sisters had discovered their consciences slowly. In the end, it was their fondness for human men that turned the sisters against the slaughter. Now the men they loved lived.

"When you showed up here," Tanya said slowly. "I thought that…"

I'd known what she'd thought. And I should have guessed that she would have felt that way. But I hadn't been at my best for analytical thinking in that moment.

"You thought that I'd changed my mind."

"Yes." She scowled.

"I feel horrible for toying with your expectations, Tanya. I didn't mean to- I wasn't thinking. It's just that I left in … quite a hurry."

"I don't suppose you'd tell me why …?"

I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively. "I don't want to talk about it."

Tanya, Irina and Kate were very good at this life they'd committed to. Better, in some ways, than even Carlisle. Despite the insanely close proximity they allowed themselves with those who should be - and once were - their prey, they did not make mistakes. I was too ashamed to admit my weakness to Tanya.

"Woman troubles?" she guessed, ignoring my reluctance.

I laughed a bleak laugh. "Not the way you mean it."

She was quiet then. I listened to her thoughts as she ran through different guesses, tried to decipher the meaning of my words.

"You're not even close," I told her.

"One hint?" she asked.

"Please let it go, Tanya."

She was quiet again, still speculating. I ignored her, trying in vain to appreciate the stars.

She gave up after a silent moment, and her thoughts pursued a new direction.

_Where will you go, Edward, if you leave? Back to Carlisle?_

"I don't think so," I whispered.

Where would I go? I could not think of one place on the entire planet that held any interest for me. There was nothing I wanted to see or do. Because, no matter where I went, I would not be going _to _anywhere; I would only be running _from._

I hated that. When had I become such a coward?

Tanya threw her slender arm around my shoulders. I stiffened, but did not flinch out from under her touch. She meant it as nothing more than friendly comfort. Mostly.

"I think that you _will_ go back," she said, her voice taking on just a hint of her long lost Russian accent. "No matter what it is … or who it is … that is haunting you. You'll face it head on. You're the type."

Her thoughts were as certain as her words. I tried to embrace the vision of myself that she carried in her head. The one who faced things head on. It was pleasant to think of myself that way again. I'd never doubted my courage, my ability to face difficulty, before that horrible hour in a high school biology class such a short time ago.

I kissed her cheek, pulling back swiftly when she twisted her face toward mine, her lips already puckered. She smiled ruefully at my quickness.

"Thank you, Tanya. I needed to hear that."

Her thoughts turned petulant. "You're welcome, I guess. I wish you would be more reasonable about things, Edward."

"I'm sorry, Tanya. You know you're too good for me. I just…haven't found what I'm looking for yet."

"Well, if you leave before I see you again…goodbye, Edward."

"Goodbye, Tanya." As I said the words, I could see it. I could see myself leaving. Being strong enough to go back to the one place where I wanted to be. "Thanks again."

She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink into the snow; she left no prints behind her. She didn't look back. My rejection bothered her more than she'd let on before, even in her thoughts. She wouldn't want to see me again before I left.

My mouth twisted with chagrin. I didn't like hurting Tanya though her feelings were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return. It still made me feel less than a gentleman.

I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again though I was suddenly anxious to be on my way. I knew that Alice would see me coming home, that she would tell the others. This would make them happy - Carlisle and Esme especially. But I gazed at the stars for one more moment, trying to see past the face in my head. Between me and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered chocolate-brown eyes stared back at me, seeming to ask what this decision would mean for _her._ Of course, I couldn't be sure if that was really the information her curious eyes sought. Even in my imagination, I couldn't hear her thoughts. Bella Swan's eyes continued to question, and an unobstructed view of the stars continued to elude me. With a heavy sigh, I gave up and got to my feet. If I ran, I would be back to Carlisle's car in less than an hour…

In a hurry to see my family - and wanting very much to be the Edward that faced things head on - I raced across the starlit snowfield, leaving no footprints.

"It's going to be okay," Alice breathed. Her eyes were unfocused, and Jasper had one hand lightly under her elbow, guiding her forward as we walked into the rundown cafeteria in a close group. Rosalie and Emmett led the way, Emmett looking ridiculously like a bodyguard in the middle of hostile territory. Rose looked wary, too, but much more irritated than protective.

"Of course it is," I grumbled. Their behavior was ludicrous. If I wasn't positive that I could handle this moment, I would have stayed home.

The sudden shift from our normal, even playful morning - it had snowed in the night, and Emmett and Jasper were not above taking advantage of my distraction to bombard me with slush balls; when they got bored with my lack of response, they'd turned on each other - to this overdone vigilance would have been comical if it weren't so irritating.

"She's not here yet, but the way she's going to come in…she won't be downwind if we sit in our regular spot."

_"Of course _we'll sit in our regular spot. Stop it, Alice. You're getting on my nerves. I'll be absolutely fine."

She blinked once as Jasper helped her into her seat, and her eyes finally focused on my face.

"Hmm," she said, sounding surprised. "I think you're right."

_"Of course _I am," I muttered.

I hated being the focus of their concern. I felt a sudden sympathy for Jasper, remembering all the times we'd hovered protectively over him. He met my glance briefly - and grinned.

_Annoying, isn't it?_

I grimaced at him.

Was it just last week that this long, drab room had seemed so killingly dull to me? That it had seemed almost like sleep, like a coma, to be here?

Today my nerves were stretched tight - piano strings, tensed to sing at the lightest pressure. My senses were hyper-alert; I scanned every sound, every sight, every movement of the air that touched my skin, every thought. Especially the thoughts. There was only one sense that I kept locked down, refused to use. Smell, of course. I didn't breathe.

I was expecting to hear more about the Cullens in the thoughts that I sifted through. All day I'd been waiting, searching for whichever new acquaintance Bella Swan might have confided in, trying to see the direction the new gossip would take. But there was nothing. No one noticed the five vampires in the cafeteria, just the same as before the new girl had come. Several of the humans here were still thinking of that girl, still thinking the same thoughts from last week. Instead of finding this unutterably boring, I was now fascinated.

Had she said nothing to anyone about me?

There was no way that she had not noticed my black, murderous glare. I had seen her react to it. Surely, I'd scared her silly. I had been convinced that she would have mentioned it to someone, maybe even exaggerated the story a bit to make it better. Given me a few menacing lines.

And then, she'd also heard me trying to get out of our shared biology class. She must have wondered, after seeing my expression, whether she were the cause. A normal girl would have asked around, compared her experience to others, looked for common ground that would explain my behavior so she didn't feel singled out. Humans were constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in. To blend in with everyone else around them, like a featureless flock of sheep. The need was particularly strong during the insecure adolescent years. This girl would be no exception to that rule.

But no one at all took any notice of us sitting here, at our normal table. Bella must be exceptionally shy, if she'd confided in no one. Perhaps she had spoken to her father, maybe that was the strongest relationship… though that seemed unlikely, given the fact that she had spent so little time with him throughout her life. She would be closer to her mother. Still, I would have to pass by Chief Swan sometime soon and listen to what he was thinking.

"Anything new?" Jasper asked.

"Nothing. She…must not have said anything."

All of them raised an eyebrow at this news.

"Maybe you're not as scary as you think you are," Emmett said, chuckling. "I bet I could have frightened her better than _that._"

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Wonder why…?" He puzzled again over my revelation about the girl's unique silence.

"We've been over that. I don't _know._"

"She's coming in," Alice murmured then. I felt my body go rigid. "Try to look human."

"Human, you say?" Emmett asked.

He held up his right fist, twisting his fingers to reveal the snowball he'd saved in his palm. Of course it had not melted there. He'd squeezed it into a lumpy block of ice. He had his eyes on Jasper, but I saw the direction of his thoughts. So did Alice, of course. When he abruptly hurled the ice chunk at her, she flicked it away with a casual flutter of her fingers. The ice ricocheted across the length of the cafeteria, too fast to be visible to human eyes, and shattered with a sharp crack against the brick wall. The brick cracked, too.

The heads in that corner of the room all turned to stare at the pile of broken ice on the floor and then swiveled to find the culprit. They didn't look further than a few tables away. No one looked at us.

"Very human, Emmett," Rosalie said scathingly. "Why don't you punch through the wall while you're at it?"

"It would look more impressive if you did it, baby."

I tried to pay attention to them, keeping a grin fixed on my face like I was part of their banter. I did not allow myself to look toward the line where I knew she was standing. But that was all that I was listening to.

I could hear Jessica's impatience with the new girl, who seemed to be distracted, too, standing motionless in the moving line. I saw, in Jessica's thoughts, that Bella Swan's cheeks were once more colored bright pink with blood.

I pulled in short, shallow breaths, ready to quit breathing if any hint of her scent touched the air near me.

Mike Newton was with the two girls. I heard both his voices, mental and verbal, when he asked Jessica what was wrong with the Swan girl. I didn't like the way his thoughts wrapped around her, the flicker of already established fantasies that clouded his mind while he watched her start and look up from her reverie like she'd forgotten he was there.

"Nothing," I heard Bella say in that quiet, clear voice. It seemed to ring like a bell over the babble in the cafeteria, but I knew that was just because I was listening for it so intently.

"I'll just get a soda today," she continued as she moved to catch up with the line.

I couldn't help flickering one glance in her direction. She was staring at the floor, the blood slowly fading from her face. I looked away quickly, to Emmett, who laughed at the now pained-looking smile on my face.

_You look sick, bro._

I rearranged my features so the expression would seem casual and effortless.

Jessica was wondering aloud about the girl's lack of appetite. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Actually, I feel a little sick." Her voice was lower but still very clear.

Why did it bother me, the protective concern that suddenly emanated from Mike Newton's thoughts? What did it matter that there was a possessive edge to them? It wasn't my business if Mike Newton felt unnecessarily anxious for her. Perhaps this was the way everyone responded to her. Hadn't I wanted, instinctively, to protect her, too? Before I'd wanted to kill her, that is…

But _was _the girl ill?

It was hard to judge. She looked so delicate with her translucent skin… Then I realized that I was worrying, too, just like that dim-witted boy, and I forced myself not to think about her health.

Regardless, I didn't like monitoring her through Mike's thoughts. I switched to Jessica's, watching carefully as the three of them chose which table to sit at. Fortunately, they sat with Jessica's usual companions, at one of the first tables in the room. Not downwind, just as Alice had promised.

Alice elbowed me. _She's going to look soon, act human._

I clenched my teeth behind my grin.

"Ease up, Edward," Emmett said. "Honestly. So you kill one human. That's hardly the end of the world."

"You would know," I murmured.

Emmett laughed. "You've got to learn to get over things. Like I do. Eternity is a long time to wallow in guilt."

Just then, Alice tossed a smaller handful of ice that she'd been hiding into Emmett's unsuspecting face.

He blinked, surprised, and then grinned in anticipation.

"You asked for it," he said as he leaned across the table and shook his ice-encrusted hair in her direction. The snow, melting in the warm room, flew out from his hair in a thick shower of half-liquid, half-ice.

"Ew!" Rose complained, as she and Alice recoiled from the deluge.

Alice laughed, and we all joined in. I could see in Alice's head how she'd orchestrated this perfect moment, and I knew that the girl - I should stop thinking of her that way, as if she were the only girl in the world - that _Bella _would be watching us laugh and play, looking as happy and human and unrealistically ideal as a Normal Rockwell painting.

Alice kept laughing and held her tray up as a shield. The girl- Bella must still be staring at us.

_…staring at the Cullens again, _someone thought, catching my attention.

I looked automatically toward the unintentional call, realizing as my eyes found their destination that I recognized the voice - I'd been listening to it so much today.

But my eyes slid right past Jessica and focused on the girl's penetrating gaze.

She looked down quickly, hiding behind her thick hair again.

What was she thinking? The frustration seemed to be getting more acute as time went on, rather than dulling. I tried - uncertain in what I was doing for I'd never tried this before - to probe with my mind at the silence around her. My extra hearing had always come to me naturally, without asking; I'd never had to work at it. But I concentrated now, trying got break through whatever shield surrounded her.

Nothing but silence.

_What _is _it about her? _Jessica thought, echoing my own frustration.

"Edward Cullen is staring at you," she whispered in the Swan girl's ear, adding a giggle. There was no hint of her jealous irritation in her tone. Jessica seemed to be skilled at feigning friendship.

I listened, too engrossed, to the girl's response.

"He doesn't look angry, does he?" she whispered back.

So she _had_noticed my wild reaction last week. Of course she had.

The question confused Jessica. I saw my own face in her thoughts as she checked my expression, but I did not meet her glance. I was still concentrating on the girl, trying to hear _something. _My intent focus didn't seem to be helping at all.

"No," Jess told her, and I knew that she wished she could say yes, how it rankled inside her, my staring. There was no trace of that in her voice, though. "Should he be?"

"I don't think he likes me," the girl whispered back, laying her head down on her arm as if she were suddenly tired. I tried to understand the motion, but I could only make guesses. Maybe she _was _tired.

"The Cullens don't like anybody," Jess reassured her. "Well, they don't notice anybody enough to like them." _They never used to. _Her thought was a grumble of complaint. "But he's still staring at you."

"Stop looking at him," the girl said anxiously, lifting her head from her arm to make sure Jessica obeyed the order.

Jessica giggled but did as she was asked.

The girl did not look away from her table for the rest of the hour. I thought - though, of course, I could not be sure - that this was deliberate. It seemed like she wanted to look at me. Her body would shift slightly in my direction, her chin would begin to turn, and then she would catch herself, take a deep breath, and stare fixedly at whoever was speaking.

I ignored the other thoughts around the girl for the most part as they were not, momentarily, about her. Mike Newton was planning a snow fight in the parking lot after school, not seeming to realize that the snow had already shifted to rain. The flutter of soft flakes against the roof had become the more common patter of raindrops. Could he really not hear the change? It seemed loud to me.

When the lunch period ended, I stayed in my seat. The humans filed out, and I caught myself trying to distinguish the sound of her footsteps from the sound of the rest as if there was something important or unusual about them. How stupid.

My family made no move to leave, either. They waited to see what I would do.

Would I go to class, sit beside the girl where I could smell the absurdly potent scent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin? Was I strong enough for that? Or had I had enough for one day?

"I…_think _it's okay," Alice said, hesitant. "Your mind is set. I _think _you'll make it through the hour."

But Alice knew well how quickly a mind could change.

"Why push it, Edward?" Jasper asked. Though he didn't want to feel smug that I was the one who was weak now, I could hear that he did, just a little. "Go home. Take it slow."

"What's the big deal?" Emmett disagreed. "Either he will, or he won't kill her. Might as well get it over with, either way."

"I don't want to move yet," Rosalie complained. "I don't want to start over. We're almost out of high school, Emmett. _Finally._"

I was evenly torn on the decision. I wanted, wanted badly, to face this head on rather than running away again. But I didn't want to push myself too far, either. It had been a mistake last week for Jasper to go so long without hunting; was this just as pointless a mistake?

I didn't want to uproot my family. None of them would thank me for that.

But I wanted to go to my biology class. I realized that I wanted to see her face again.

That's what decided it for me. That curiosity. I was angry with myself for feeling it. Hadn't I promised myself that I wouldn't let the silence of the girl's mind make me unduly interested in her? And yet, here I was, most unduly interested.

I wanted to know what she was thinking. Her mind was closed, but her eyes were very open. Perhaps I could read them instead.

"No, Rose, I think it really will be okay," Alice said. "It's…firming up. I'm ninety-three percent sure that nothing bad will happen if he goes to class." She looked at me inquisitively, wondering what had changed in my thoughts that made her vision of the future more secure.

Would curiosity be enough to keep Bella Swan alive?

Emmett was right, though- why not get it over with, either way? I would face the temptation head on.

"Go to class," I ordered, pushing away from the table. I turned and strode away from them without looking back. I could hear Alice's worry, Jasper's censure, Emmett's approval, and Rosalie's irritation trailing after me.

I took one last deep breath at the door of the classroom and then held it in my lungs as I walked into the small, warm space.

I was not late. Mr. Banner was still setting up for today's lab. The girl sat at my- at _our _table, her face down again, staring at the folder she was doodling on. I examined the sketch as I approached, interested in even this trivial creation of her mind, but it was meaningless. Just a random scribbling of loops within loops. Perhaps she was not concentrating on the pattern, but thinking of something else?

I pulled my chair back with unnecessary roughness, letting it scrape across the linoleum; humans always felt more comfortable when noise announced someone's approach.

I knew she heard the sound; she did not look up, but her hand missed a loop in the design she was drawing, making it unbalanced.

Why didn't she look up? Probably she was frightened. I must be sure to leave her with a different impression this time. Make her think she'd been imagining things before.

"Hello," I said in the quiet voice I used when I wanted to make humans more comfortable, forming a polite smile with my lips that would not show any teeth.

She looked up then, her wide brown eyes startled - almost bewildered - and full of silent questions. It was the same expression that had been obstructing my vision for the last week.

As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hate - the hate I'd imagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existing - had evaporated. Not breathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable could ever justify hatred.

Her cheeks began to flush, and she said nothing.

I kept my eyes on hers, focusing only on their questioning depths, and tried to ignore the appetizing color of her skin. I had enough breath to speak for a while longer without inhaling.

"My name is Edward Cullen," I said, though I knew she knew that. It was the polite way to begin. "I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan."

She seemed confused; there was that little pucker between her eyes again. It took her half a second longer than it should have for her to respond.

"How do you know my name?" she demanded, and her voice shook just a little.

I must have truly terrified her. This made me feel guilty; she was just so defenseless. I laughed gently - it was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease. Again, I was careful about my teeth.

"Oh, I think everyone knows your name." Surely she must have realized that she'd become the center of attention in this monotonous place. "The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive."

She frowned as if this information was unpleasant. I supposed, being shy as she seemed to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her. Most humans felt the opposite. Though they didn't want to stand out from the herd, they craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity at the same time.

"No," she said. "I meant, why did you call me Bella?"

"Do you prefer Isabella?" I asked, perplexed by the fact that I couldn't see where this question was leading. I didn't understand. Surely, she'd made her preference clear many times that first day. Were all humans this incomprehensible without the mental context as a guide?

"No, I like Bella," she answered, leaning her head slightly to one side. Her expression - if I was reading it correctly - was torn between embarrassment and confusion. "But I think Charlie- I mean, my dad must call me Isabella behind my back. That's what everyone here seems to know me as." Her skin darkened one shade pinker.

"Oh," I said lamely and quickly looked away from her face.

I'd just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped up - made an error. If I hadn't been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed her initially by her full name, just like everyone else. She'd noticed the difference.

I felt a pang of unease. It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip. Quite astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my proximity.

But I had bigger problems than whatever suspicions about me she might be keeping locked inside her head.

I was out of air. If I were going to speak to her again, I would have to inhale.

It would be hard to avoid speaking. Unfortunately for her, sharing this table made her my lab partner, and we would have to work together today. It would seem odd - and incomprehensibly rude - for me to ignore her while we did the lab. It would make her more suspicious, more afraid…

I leaned as far away from her as I could without moving my seat, twisting my head out into the aisle. I braced myself, locking my muscles in place, and then sucked in one quick chest-full of air, breathing through my mouth alone.

Ahh!

It was genuinely painful. Even without smelling her, I could taste her on my tongue. My throat was suddenly in flames again, the craving every bit as strong as that first moment I'd caught her scent last week.

I gritted my teeth together and tried to compose myself.

"Get started," Mr. Banner commanded.

It felt like it took every single ounce of self-control that I'd achieved in seventy years of hard work to turn back to the girl, who was staring down at the table, and smile.

"Ladies first, partner?" I offered.

She looked up at my expression and her face went blank, her eyes wide. Was there something off in my expression? Was she frightened again? She didn't speak.

"Or, I could start, if you wish," I said quietly.

"No," she said, and her face went from white to red again. "I'll go first."

I stared at the equipment on the table, the battered microscope, the box of slides, rather than watch the blood swirl under her clear skin. I took another quick breath, through my teeth, and winced as the taste made my throat ache.

"Prophase," she said after a quick examination. She started to remove the slide, though she'd barely examined it.

"Do you mind if I look?" Instinctively - stupidly, as if I were one of her kind - I reached out to stop her hand from removing the slide. For one second, the heat of her skin burned into mine. It was like an electric pulse - surely much hotter than a mere ninety-eight point six degrees. The heat shot through my hand and up my arm. She yanked her hand out from under mind.

"I'm sorry," I muttered through my clenched teeth. Needing somewhere to look I grasped the microscope and stared briefly into the eyepiece.

She was right. "Prophase," I agreed.

I was still too unsettled to look at her. Breathing as quietly as I could through my gritted teeth and trying to ignore the fiery thirst, I concentrated on the simple assignment, writing the word on the appropriate line on the lab sheet, and then switching out the first slide for the next.

What was she thinking now? What had that felt like to her, when I had touched her hand? My skin must have been ice cold- repulsive. No wonder she was so quiet.

I glanced at the slide.

"Anaphase," I said to myself as I wrote it on the second line.

"May I?" she asked.

I looked up at her, surprised to see that she was waiting expectantly, one hand half-stretched toward the microscope. She didn't _look_ afraid. Did she really think I'd gotten the answer wrong?

I couldn't help but smile at the hopeful look on her face as I slid the microscope toward her.

She stared into the eyepiece with an eagerness that quickly faded. The corners of her mouth turned down.

"Slide three?" she asked, not looking up from the microscope but holding out her hand. I dropped the next slide into her hand, not letting my skin come anywhere close to hers this time. Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp. I could feel myself warming slightly to the higher temperature.

She did not look at the slide for long. "Interphase," she said nonchalantly - perhaps trying a little too hard to sound that way - and pushed the microscope to me. She did not touch the paper but waited for me to write the answer. I checked. She was correct again.

We finished this way, speaking one word at a time and never meeting each other's eyes. We were the only ones done; the others in the class were having a hard time with the lab. Mike Newton seemed to be having trouble concentrating- he was trying to watch Bella and me.

_Wish he'd stayed wherever he went, _Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurous. Hmm, interesting. I hadn't realized the boy harbored any ill will towards me. This was a new development, about as recent as the girl's arrival it seemed. Even more interesting, I found - to my surprise - that the feeling was mutual.

I looked down at the girl again, bemused by the wide range of havoc and upheaval that, despite her ordinary, unthreatening appearance, she was wreaking on my life.

It wasn't that I couldn't see what Mike was going on about. She was actually rather pretty … in an unusual way. Better than being beautiful, her face was _interesting. _Not quite symmetrical - her narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones; extreme in the coloring - the light and dark contrast of her skin and her hair; and then there were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets…

Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine.

I stared back at her, trying to guess even one of those secrets.

"Did you get contacts?" she asked abruptly.

What a strange question. "No." I almost smiled at the idea of improving _my _eyesight.

"Oh," she mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes."

I felt suddenly colder again as I realized that I was apparently not the only one attempting to ferret out secrets today.

I shrugged, my shoulders stiff, and glared straight ahead to where the teacher was making his rounds.

Of course there was something different about my eyes since the last time she'd stared into them. To prepare myself for today's ordeal, today's temptation, I'd spent the entire weekend hunting, satiating my thirst as much as possible, overdoing it really. I'd glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the outrageous flavor floating on the air around her. When I'd glared at her last, my eyes had been black with thirst. Now, my body swimming with blood, my eyes were warmer gold. Light amber from my excessive attempt at thirst-quenching.

Another slip. If I'd seen what she'd meant with her question, I could have just told her yes.

I'd sat beside humans for two years now at this school, and she was the first to examine me closely enough to note the change in my eye color. The others, while admiring the beauty of my family, tended to look down quickly when we returned their stares. They shied away, blocking the details of our appearances in an instinctive endeavor to keep themselves from understanding. Ignorance was bliss to the human mind.

Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much?

Mr. Banner approached our table. I gratefully inhaled the gush of clean air he brought with him before it could mix with her scent.

"So, Edward," he said, looking over our answers, "didn't you think Isabella should get a chance with the microscope?"

"Bella," I corrected him reflexively. "Actually, she identified three of the five."

Mr. Banner's thoughts were skeptical as he turned to look at the girl. "Have you done this lab before?"

I watched, engrossed, as she smiled, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Not with onion root."

"Whitefish blastula?" Mr. Banner probed.

"Yeah."

This surprised him. Today's lab was something he'd pulled from a more advanced course. He nodded thoughtfully at the girl. "Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?"

"Yes."

She was advanced then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.

"Well," Mr. Banner said, pursing his lips. "I guess it's good you two are lab partners." He turned and walked away mumbling, "So the other kids can get a chance to learn something for themselves," under his breath. I doubted the girl could hear that. She began scrawling loops across her folder again.

Two slips so far in one half hour. A very poor showing on my part. Though I had no idea at all what the girl thought of me - how much did she fear, how much did she suspect? - I knew I needed to put forth a better effort to leave her with a new impression of me. Something to better drown her memories of our ferocious last encounter.

"It's too bad about the snow, isn't it?" I said, repeating the small talk that I'd heard a dozen students discuss already. A boring, standard topic of conversation. The weather - always safe.

She stared at me with obvious doubt in her eyes - an abnormal reaction to my very normal words. "Not really," she said, surprising me again.

I tried to steer the conversation back to trite paths. She was from a much brighter, warmer place - her skin seemed to reflect that somehow, despite its fairness - and the cold must make her uncomfortable. My icy touch certainly had…

"You don't like the cold," I guessed.

"Or the wet," she agreed.

"Forks must be a difficult place for you to live." _Perhaps you should not have come here, _I wanted to add. _Perhaps you should go back where you belong._

I wasn't sure I wanted that, though. I would always remember the scent of her blood. Was there any guarantee that I wouldn't eventually follow after her? Besides, if she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery. A constant, nagging puzzle.

"You have no idea," she said in a low voice, glowering past me for a moment.

Her answers were never what I expected. They made me want to ask more questions.

"Why did you come here, then?" I demanded, realizing instantly that my tone was too accusatory, not casual enough for the conversation. The question sounded rude, prying.

"It's…complicated."

She blinked her wide eyes, leaving it at that, and I nearly imploded out of curiosity - the curiosity burned as hot as the thirst in my throat. Actually, I found that it was getting slightly easier to breath; the agony was becoming more bearable through familiarity.

"I think I can keep up," I insisted. Perhaps common courtesy would keep her answering my questions as long as I was rude enough to ask them.

She stared down silently at her hands. This made me impatient; I wanted to put my hand under her chin and tilt her head up so that I could read her eyes. But it would be foolish of me - dangerous - to touch her skin again.

She looked up suddenly. It was a relief to be able to see the emotions in her eyes again. She spoke in a rush, hurrying through the words.

"My mother got remarried."

Ah, this was human enough, easy to understand. Sadness passed through her clear eyes and brought the pucker back between them.

"That doesn't sound so complex," I said. My voice was gentle without my working to make it that way. Her sadness left me feeling oddly helpless, wishing there was something I could do to make her feel better. A strange impulse. "When did that happen?"

"Last September." She exhaled heavily, not quite a sigh. I held my breath as her warm breath brushed my face.

"And you don't like him," I guessed, fishing for more information.

"No, Phil is fine," she said, correcting my assumption. There was a hint of a smile now around the corners of her full lips. "Too young, maybe, but nice enough."

This didn't fit with the scenario I'd been constructing in my head.

"Why didn't you stay with them?" I asked, my voice a little too curious. It sounded like I was being nosy. Which I was, admittedly.

"Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living." The little smile grew more pronounced; this career choice amused her.

I smiled too, without choosing to. I wasn't trying to make her feel at ease. Her smile just made me want to smile in response, to be in on the secret.

"Have I heard of him?" I ran through the rosters of professional ball players in my head, wondering which Phil was hers.

"Probably not. He doesn't play _well._" Another smile. "Strictly minor league. He moves around a lot."

The rosters in my head shifted instantly, and I'd tabulated a list of possibilities in less than a second. At the same time, I was imagining the new scenario.

"And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him," I said. Making assumptions seemed to get more information out of her than questions did. It worked again. Her chin jutted out, and her expression was suddenly stubborn.

"No, she did not send me here," she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. My assumption had upset her, though I couldn't quite see how. "I sent myself."

I could not guess at her meaning or the source behind her pique. I was entirely lost.

So I gave up. There was just no making sense of the girl. She wasn't like other humans. Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the only unusual things about her.

"I don't understand," I admitted, hating to concede.

She sighed and stared into my eyes for longer than most normal humans were able to stand.

"She stayed with me at first, but she missed him," she explained slowly, her tone growing more forlorn with each word. "It made her unhappy … so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie."

The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened.

"But now you're unhappy," I murmured. I couldn't seem to stop speaking my hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her reactions. This one, however, did not seem as far off the mark.

"And?" she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered.

I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that I'd finally gotten my first real glimpse into her soul. I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list.

She was selfless.

As I saw this, the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began to thin a little.

"That doesn't seem fair," I said. I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying to conceal the intensity of my curiosity.

She laughed but there was no amusement in the sound. "Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair."

I wanted to laugh at her words, though I, too, felt no real amusement. I knew a little something about the unfairness of life. "I believe I _have _heard that somewhere before."

She stared back at me, seeming confused again. Her eyes flickered away and then came back to mine.

"So that's all," she told me.

But I was not ready to let this conversation end. The little V between her eyes, a remnant of her sorrow, bothered me. I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip. But, of course, I could not touch her. It was unsafe in so many ways.

"You put on a good show." I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided pout, and she looked back towards the front of the class. She didn't like it when I guessed right. She wasn't the average martyr; she didn't want an audience to her pain.

"Am I wrong?"

She flinched slightly but otherwise pretended not to hear me.

That made me smile. "I didn't think so."

"Why does it matter to you?" she demanded, still staring away.

"That's a very good question," I admitted, more to myself than to answer her.

Her discernment was better than mine. She saw right to the core of things while I floundered around the edges, sifting blindly through clues. The details of her very human life should _not _matter to me. It was wrong for me to care what she thoughts. Beyond protecting my family from suspicion, human thoughts were not significant.

I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing. I relied on my extra hearing too much; I clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for.

The girl sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom. Something about her frustrated expression was humorous. The whole situation, the whole conversation was humorous. No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little girl - at any moment I might inhale through my nose and attack her before I could stop myself - and _she _was irritated because I hadn't answered her question.

"Am I annoying you?" I asked, smiling at the absurdity of it all.

She glanced at me quickly and then her eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze.

"Not exactly," she told me. "I'm more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read that my mother always calls me her open book."

She frowned, disgruntled.

I stared at her in amazement. The reason she was upset was because she thought I saw through her _too easily. _How bizarre. I'd never expended so much effort to understand someone in all my life - or rather existence. _Life _was hardly the right word. I did not truly have a _life._

"On the contrary," I disagreed, feeling strangely…wary, as if there were some hidden danger here that I was failing to see. I was suddenly on edge, the premonition making me anxious. "I find you very difficult to read."

"You must be a good reader, then," she guessed, making her own assumption that was, again, right on target.

"Usually," I agreed.

I smiled at her widely then, letting my lips pull back to expose the rows of gleaming, razor sharp teeth behind them.

It was a stupid thing to do, but I was abruptly, unexpectedly desperate to get some kind of warning through to the girl. Her body was closer to me than before, having shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation. All the little markers and signs that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. Why did she not cringe away from me in terror? Surely she had seen enough of my darker side to realize the danger, intuitive as she seemed to be.

I didn't get to see if my warning had the intended effect. Mr. Banner called for the class's attention just then, and she turned away from me at once. She seemed a little relieved for the interruption, so maybe she understood unconsciously.

I hoped she did.

I recognized the fascination growing inside me, even as I tried to root it out. I could not afford to find Bella Swan interesting. Or rather, _she _could not afford that. Already, I was anxious for another chance to talk to her. I wanted to know more about her mother, her life before she came here, her relationship with her father. All the meaningless details that would flesh out her character further. But every second I spent with her was a mistake, a risk she shouldn't have to take.

Absentmindedly, she tossed her thick hair just at the moment that I allowed myself another breath. A particularly concentrated wave of her scent hit the back of my throat.

It was like the first day - like the wrecking ball. The pain of the burning dryness made me dizzy. I had to grasp the table again to keep myself in my seat. This time I had slightly more control. I didn't break anything, at least. The monster growled inside me, but took no pleasure in my pain. He was too tightly bound. For the moment.

I stopped breathing altogether and leaned as far from the girl as I could.

No, I could not afford to find her fascinating. The more interesting I found her, the more likely it was that I would kill her. I'd already made two minor slips today. Would I make a third, one that was _not _minor?

As soon as the bell sounded, I fled the classroom - probably destroying whatever impression of politeness I'd halfway constructed in the course of the hour. Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside like it was a healing attar. I hurried to put as much distance between myself and the girl as was possible.

Emmett waited for me outside the door of our Spanish class. He read my wild expression for a moment.

_How did it go? _he wondered warily.

"Nobody died," I mumbled.

_I guess that's something. When I saw Alice ditching there at the end, I thought…_

As we walked into the classroom, I saw his memory from just a few moments ago, seen through the open door of his last class: Alice walking briskly and blank-faced across the grounds toward the science building. I felt his remembered urge to get up and join her and then his decision to stay. If Alice needed his help, she would ask…

I closed my eyes in horror and disgust as I slumped into my seat. "I hadn't realized that it was that close. I didn't think I was going to … I didn't see that it was that bad," I whispered.

_It wasn't, _he reassured me. _Nobody died, right?_

"Right," I said through my teeth. "Not this time."

_Maybe it will get easier._

"Sure."

_Or, maybe you kill her. _He shrugged. _You wouldn't be the first one to mess up. No one would judge you too harshly. Sometimes a person just smells too good. I'm impressed you've lasted this long._

"Not helping, Emmett."

I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the girl, that this was somehow inevitable. Was it her fault that she smelled so good?

_I know when it happened to me…, _he reminisced, taking me back with him half a century, to a country lane at dusk, where a middle-aged woman was taking her dried sheets down from a line strung between apple trees. The scent of apples hung heavy in the air - the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds. A fresh-mowed field of hay was a background to that scent, a harmony. He walked up the lane, all but oblivious to the woman, on an errand for Rosalie. The sky was purple overhead, orange over the western trees. He would have continued up the meandering cart path, and there would have been no reason to remember the evening, except that a sudden night breeze blew the white sheets out like sails and fanned the woman's scent across Emmett's face.

"Ah," I groaned quietly. As if my own remembered thirst was not enough.

_I know. I didn't last half a second. I didn't even think about resisting._

His memory became far too explicit for me to stand.

I jumped to my feet, my teeth locked hard enough to cut through steel.

"Esta bien, Edward?" Senora Goff asked, startled by my sudden movement. I could see my face in her mind, and I knew that I looked far from well.

"Me perdona," I muttered, as I darted for the door.

"Emmett - por favor, puedas tu ayuda a tu hermano?" she asked, gesturing helplessly toward me as I rushed out of the room.

"Sure," I heard him say. And then he was right behind me.

He followed me to the far side of the building where he caught up to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

I shoved his hand away with unnecessary force. It would have shattered the bones in a human hand - and the bones in the arm attached to it.

"Sorry, Edward."

"I know." I drew in a deep gasps of air, trying to clear my head and my lungs.

"Is it as bad as that?" he asked, trying not to think of the scent and the flavor of his memory as he asked - and not quite succeeding.

"Worse, Emmett, worse."

He was quiet for a moment.

_Maybe…_

"No, it would not be better if I got it over with. Go back to class, Emmett. I want to be alone."

He turned without another word or thought and walked quickly away. He would tell the Spanish teacher that I was sick, or ditching, or a dangerously out of control vampire. Did his excuse really matter? Maybe I wasn't coming back. Maybe I had to leave.

I went to my car again, to wait for school to end. To hide. Again.

I should have spent the time making decisions or trying to bolster my resolve, but, like an addict, I found myself searching through the babble of thoughts emanating from the school buildings. The familiar voices stood out, but I wasn't interested in listening to Alice's visions or Rosalie's complaints right now. I found Jessica easily, but the girl was not with her, so I continued searching. Mike Newton's thoughts caught my attention, and I located her at last, in gym with him. He was unhappy because I'd spoken to her today in biology. He was running over her response when he'd brought the subject up …

_ I've never seen him actually talk to anyone for more than a word here and there. Of course he would decide to find Bella interesting. I don't like the way he looks at her. But she didn't seem to excited about him. What did she say? 'Wonder what was with him last Monday.' Something like that. Didn't sound like she cared. It couldn't have been much of a conversation…_

He talked himself out of his pessimism in that way, cheered by the idea that Bella had not been interested in her exchange with me. This annoyed me quite a bit more than was acceptable, so I stopped listening to him.

I put a CD of violent music into the stereo, turning it up until it drowned out other voices. I had to concentrate on the music very hard to keep myself from drifting back to Mike Newton's thoughts, to spy on the unsuspecting girl…

I cheated a few times, as the hour drew to a close. Not spying, I tried to convince myself. I was just preparing. I wanted to know exactly when she would leave the gym, when she would be in the parking lot. I didn't want her to take me by surprise.

As the students started to file out of the gym doors, I got out of my car, not sure why I did it. The rain was light- I ignored it as it slowly saturated my hair.

Did I want her to see me here? Did I hope she would come to speak to me? What was I doing?

I didn't move though I tried to convince myself to get back in the car, knowing my behavior was reprehensible. I kept my arms folded across my chest and breathed very shallowly as I watched her walk slowly toward me, her mouth turned down at the corners. She didn't look at me. A few times she glanced up at the clouds with a grimace as if they offended her.

I was disappointed when she reached her car before she had to pass me. Would she have spoken to me? Would I have spoken to her?

She got into a faded red Chevy truck, a rusted behemoth that was older than her father. I watched her start the truck - the old engine roared louder than any other vehicle in the lot - and then hold her hands out toward the heating vents. The cold was uncomfortable to her. She didn't like it. She combed her fingers through her thick hair, pulling locks through the stream of hot air like she was trying to dry them. I imagined what the cab of that truck would smell like and then quickly drove out the thought.

She glanced around as she prepared to back out and finally looked in my direction. She stared back at me for only half a second, and all I could read in her eyes was surprise before she tore her eyes away and jerked the truck into reverse. And then squealed to a stop again, the back end of the truck missing a collision with Erin Teague's compact by mere inches.

She stared into her rearview mirror, her mouth hanging open with chagrin. When the other car had pulled past her, she checked all her blind spots twice and then inched out the parking space so cautiously that it made me grin. It was like she thought she was _dangerous _in her decrepit truck.

The thought of Bella Swan being dangerous to anyone, no matter what she was driving, had me laughing while the girl drove past me, staring straight ahead.

**3. Phenomenon**

Truly, I was not thirsty, but I decided to hunt again that night. A small ounce of prevention, inadequate though I knew it to be.

Carlisle came with me; we hadn't been alone together since I'd returned from Denali. As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hasty goodbye last week.

In his memory, I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair. I felt his surprise and sudden worry.

_"Edward?"_

_ "I have to go, Carlisle. I have to go now."_

_ "What's happened?"  
"Nothing. Yet. But it will, if I stay."_

He'd reached for my arm. I felt how it had hurt him when I'd cringed away from his hand.

_"I don't understand."_

_ "Have you ever…has there ever been a time…"_

I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through the filter of his deep concern.

_"Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them? _Much _better?_

_ "Oh."_

When I'd known that he understood, my face had fallen with shame. He'd reached out to touch me, ignoring it when I'd recoiled again, and left his hand on my shoulder.

_"Do what you must to resist, son. I will miss you. Here, take my car. It's faster."_

He was wondering now if he'd done the right thing then, sending me away. Wondering if he hadn't hurt me with his lack of trust.

"No," I whispered as I ran. "That was what I needed. I might so easily have betrayed that trust if you'd told me to stay."

"I'm sorry you're suffering, Edward. But you should do what you can to keep the Swan child alive. Even if it means that you must leave us again."

"I know, I know."

"Why _did _you come back? You know how happy I am to have you here, but if this is too difficult…"

"I didn't like feeling a coward," I admitted.

We'd slowed - we were barely jogging through the darkness now.

"Better that than to put her in danger. She'll be gone in a year or two."

"You're right, I know that." Contrarily, though, his words only made me more anxious to stay. The girl would be gone in a year or two…

Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him; he turned to examine my expression.

_But you're not going to run, are you?_

I hung my head.

_Is it pride, Edward? There's no shame in-_

"No, it isn't pride that keeps me here. Not now."

_Nowhere to go?_

I laughed shortly. "No. That wouldn't stop me, if I could make myself leave."

"We'll come with you, of course, if that's what you need. You only have to ask. You've moved on without complaint for the rest of them. They won't begrudge you this."

I raised one eyebrow.

He laughed. "Yes, Rosalie might, but she owes you. Anyway, it's much better for us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been ended." All humor was gone by the end.

I flinched at his words.

"Yes," I agreed. My voice sounded hoarse.

_But you're not leaving?_

I sighed. "I should."

"What holds you here, Edward? I'm failing to see…"

"I don't know if I can explain." Even to myself, it made no sense.

He measured my expression for a long moment.

_No, I do not see. But I will respect your privacy, if you prefer._

"Thank you. It's generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one." With one exception. And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasn't I?  
_We all have our quirks. _He laughed again. _Shall we?_

He'd just caught the scent of a small herd of deer. It was hard to rally much enthusiasm for what was, even under the best of circumstances, a less than mouth-watering aroma. Right now, with the memory of the girl's blood fresh in my mind, the smell actually turned my stomach.

I sighed. "Let's," I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down my throat would help so little.

We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us silently forward.

It was colder when we returned home. The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thin sheet of glass covered everything - each pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grass was iced over.

While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by the river, waiting for the sun to rise. I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood I'd consumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the girl again.

Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running beside the icy bank, stared right through it.

Carlisle was right. I should leave Forks. They could spread some story to explain my absence. Boarding school to Europe. Visiting distant relatives. Teenage runaway. The story didn't matter. No one would question too intensely.

It was just a year or two, and then the girl would disappear. She would go on with her life- she would _have _a life to go on with. She'd go to college somewhere, get older, start a career, perhaps marry someone. I could picture that. I could see the girl dressed all in white and walking at a measured pace, her arm through her father's.

It was odd, the pain that image caused me. I couldn't understand it. Was I jealous, because she had a future that I could never have? That made no sense. Every one of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of them - a life - and I rarely stopped to envy them.

I should leave her to her future. Stop risking her life. That was the right thing to do. Carlisle always chose the right way. I should listen to him now.

The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozen glass.

One more day, I decided. I would see her one more time. I could handle that. Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance, set the story up.

This was going to be difficult; I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was already making me think of excuses to stay - to extend the deadline to two days, three, four… But I would do the right thing. I knew I could trust Carlisle's advice. And I also knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone.

Much too conflicted. How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive curiosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite?

I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school.

Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor.

_You're leaving again, _she accused me.

I sighed and nodded.

_I can't see where you're going this time._

"I don't know where I'm going yet," I whispered.

_I want you to stay._

I shook my head.

_Maybe Jazz and I could come with you?_

"They'll need you all the more if I'm not here to watch out for them. And think of Esme. Would you take half her family away in one blow?"

_You're going to make her so sad._

"I know. That's why you have to stay."

_That's not the same as having you here, and you know it._

"Yes. But I have to do what's right."

_There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, aren't there?_

For a brief moment she was swept away into one of her strange visions; I watched along with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled. I saw myself mixed in with strange shadows that I couldn't make out - hazy, imprecise forms. And then, suddenly, my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow. This was a place I knew. There was a figure in the meadow with me, but, again, it was indistinct, not _there _enough to recognize. The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choices rearranged the future again.

"I didn't catch much of that," I told her when the vision went dark.

_Me either. Your future is shifting around so much I can't keep up with any of it. I _think, _though…_

She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for me. They were all the same - blurry and vague.

"I _think _something is changing, though," she said aloud. "Your life seems to be at a crossroad."

I laughed grimly. "You do realize that you sound like a bogus gypsy at a carnival now, right?"

She stuck her tiny tongue out at me.

"Today is all right, though, isn't it?" I asked, my voice abruptly apprehensive.

"I don't see you killing anyone today," she assured me.

"Thanks, Alice."

"Go get dressed. I won't say anything. I'll let you tell the others when you're ready."

She stood and darted back down the stairs, her shoulders hunched slightly. _Miss you. Really._

Yes, I would really miss her, too.

It was a quiet ride to school. Jasper could tell that Alice was upset about something, but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it she would have done so already. Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious, having another of their moments, gazing into each other's eyes with wonder - it was rather disgusting to watch from the outside. We were all quite aware how desperately in love they were. Or maybe I was just being bitter because I was the only one alone. Some days, it was harder than others to live with three sets of perfectly matched lovers. This was one of them.

Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill-tempered and belligerent as the old man I should be by now.

Of course, the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for the girl. Just preparing myself again.

Right.

It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything but her - my whole existence centered around the girl, rather than around myself anymore.

It was easy enough to understand, though, really; after 80 years of the same thing every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption.

She had not yet arrived, but I could hear the thunderous chugging of her truck's engine in the distance. I leaned against the side of the car to wait. Alice stayed with me while the others went straight to class. They were bored with my fixation - it was incomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matter how delicious she smelled.

The girl drove slowly into view, her eyes intent on the road and her hands tight on the wheel. She seemed anxious about something. It took me a second to figure out what that something was, to realize that every human wore the same expression today. Ah, the road was slick with ice, and they were all trying to drive more carefully. I could see she was taking the added risk seriously.

That seemed in line with what little I had learned of her character. I added this to my small list: she was a serious person, a responsible person.

She parked not too far form me, but she hadn't noticed me standing here yet, staring at her. I wondered what she would do when she did? Blush and walk away? That was my first guess. But maybe she would stare back. Maybe she would come to talk to me.

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs hopefully, just in case.

She got out of the truck with care, testing the slick ground before she put her weight on it. She didn't look up, and that frustrated me. Maybe I would go talk to her…

No, that would be wrong.

Instead of turning toward the school, she made her way to the rear of her truck, clinging to the side of the truck bed in a droll way, not trusting her footing. It made me smile, and I felt Alice's eyes on my face. I didn't listen to whatever this made her think. I was having too much fun watching the girl check her snow chains. She actually looked in some danger of falling, the way her feet were sliding around. No one else was having trouble. Had she parked in the worst of the ice?

She paused there, staring down with a strange expression on her face. It was…tender? As if something about the tire was making her …_emotional?_

Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst. It was as if I _had _to know what she was thinking - as if nothing else mattered.

I would go talk to her. She looked like she could use a hand anyway, at least until she was off the slick pavement. Of course, I couldn't offer that, could I? I hesitated, torn. As adverse as she seemed to be to snow, she would hardly welcome the touch of my cold, white hand. I should have worn gloves-

"NO!" Alice gasped aloud.

Instantly, I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choice, and she saw me doing something inexcusable. But it had nothing to do with me at all.

Tyler Crowley had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudicious speed. This choice would send him skidding across a patch of ice…

The vision came just half a second before the reality. Tyler's van rounded the corner as I was still watching the conclusion that had pulled the horrified gasp through Alice's lips.

No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it had _everything _to do with me, because Tyler's van - the tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angle - was going to spin across the lot and crush the girl who had become the uninvited focal point of my world.

Even without Alice's foresight it would have been simple enough to read the trajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tyler's control.

The girl, standing in exactly the wrong place at the back of her truck, looked up, bewildered by the sound of the screeching tires. She looked straight into my horror-struck eyes, and then turned to watch her approaching death.

_Not her! _the words shouted in my head as if they belonged to someone else.

Still locked into Alice's thoughts, I saw the vision suddenly shift, but I had no time to see what the outcome would be.

I launched myself across the lot, throwing myself between the skidding van and the frozen girl. I moved so fast that everything was a streaky blur except for the object of my focus. She didn't see me - no human eyes could have followed my flight - still staring at the hulking shape that was about to grind her body into the metal frame of her truck.

I caught her around the waist, moving with too much urgency to be as gentle as she would need me to be. In the hundredth of a second between the time that I yanked her slight form out of the path of death and the time that I crashed into the ground with her in my arms, I was vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body.

When I heard her head crack against the ice, it felt like I had turned to ice, too.

But I didn't even have a full second to ascertain her condition. I heard the van behind us, grating and squealing as it twisted around the sturdy iron body of the girl's truck. It was changing course, arching, coming for her again - like she was a magnet, pulling it toward us.

A word I'd never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.

I had already done too much. As I'd nearly flown through the air to push her out of the way, I'd been fully aware of the mistake I was making. Knowing that it was a mistake did not stop me, but I was not oblivious to the risk I was taking - taking, not just for myself, but for my entire family.

Exposure.

And _this _certainly wasn't going to help, but there was no way I was going to allow the van to succeed in its second attempt to take her life.

I dropped her and threw my hands out, catching the van before it could touch the girl. The force of it hurled me back into the car parked beside her truck, and I could feel its frame buckle behind my shoulders. The van shuddered and shivered against the unyielding obstacle of my arms, and then swayed, balancing unstably on the two far tires.

If I moved my hands, the back tire of the van was going to fall onto her legs.

Oh, for the _love _of _all _that was _holy_, would the catastrophes never end? Was there anything else that could go wrong? I could hardly sit here, holding the van in the air, and wait for rescue. Nor could I throw the van away: there was the driver to consider, his thoughts incoherent with panic.

With an internal groan, I shoved the van so that it rocked away from us for an instant. As it fell back toward me, I caught it under the frame with my right hand while I wrapped my left arm around the girl's waist again and drug her out from under the van, pulling her tight up against my side. Her body moved limply as I swung her around so that her legs would be in the clear - was she conscious? How much damage had I done to her in my impromptu rescue attempt?

I let the van drop now that it could not hurt her. It crashed to the pavement, all the windows shattering in unison.

I knew that I was in the middle of a crisis. How much had she seen? Had any other witnesses watched me materialize at her side and then juggle the van while I tried to keep her out from under it? These questions _should _be my biggest concern.

But I was too anxious to really care about the threat of exposure as much as I should. Too panic-stricken that I might have injured her myself in my effort to protect her. Too frightened to have her this close to me, knowing what I would smell if I allowed myself to inhale. Too aware of the heat of her soft body, pressed against mine - even through the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat…

The first fear was the greatest fear. As the screaming of the witnesses erupted around us, I leaned down to examine her face, to see if she was conscious - hoping fiercely that she was not bleeding anywhere.

Her eyes were open, staring in shock.

"Bella?" I asked urgently. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine." She said the words automatically in a dazed voice.

Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of her voice, I sucked in a breath through my teeth and did not mind the accompanying burn in my throat. I almost welcomed it.

She struggled to sit up, but I was not ready to release her. It felt somehow…safer? Better, at least, having her tucked into my side.

"Be careful," I warned her. "I think you hit your head pretty hard."

There had been no smell of fresh blood - a mercy, that - but this did not rule out internal damage. I was abruptly anxious to get her to Carlisle and a full compliment of radiology equipment.

"Ow," she said, her tone comically shocked as she realized I was right about her head.

"That's what I thought." Relief made it funny to me, made me almost giddy.

"How in the…" Her voice trailed off, and her eyelids fluttered. "How did you get over here so fast?"

The relief turned sourm, the humor gone. She _had _noticed too much.

Now that it appeared that the girl was in decent shape, the anxiety for my family became severe.

"I was standing right next to you, Bella." I knew from experience that if I was very confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth.

She struggled to move again, and this time I allowed it. I needed to breathe so that I could play my role correctly. I needed space from her warm-blooded heat so that it would not combine with her scent to overwhelm me. I slid away from her, as far as was possible in the small space between the wrecked vehicles.

She stared up at me, and I stared back. To look away first was a mistake only an incompetent liar would make, and I was not an incompetent liar. My expression was smooth, benign… It seemed to confuse her. That was good.

The accident scene was surrounded now. Mostly students, children, peering and pushing through the cracks to see if any mangled bodies were visible. There was a babble of shouting and a gush of shocked thought. I scanned the thoughts once to make sure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned it out and concentrated only on the girl.

She was distracted by the bedlam. She glanced around, her expression still stunned, and tried to get to her feet.

I put my hand lightly on her shoulder to hold her down.

"Just stay put for now." She _seemed _alright, but should she really be moving her neck? Again, I wished for Carlisle. My years of theoretical medical study were no match for his centuries of hands-on medical practice.

"But it's cold," she objected.

She had almost been crushed to death two distinct times and crippled one more, and it was the cold that bothered her. A chuckle slid through my teeth before I could remember that the situation was not funny.

Bella blinked, and then her eyes focused on my face. "You were over there."

That sobered me again.

She glanced toward the south, though there was nothing to see now but the crumpled side of the van. "You were by your car."

"No, I wasn't."

"I saw you," she insisted; her voice was childlike when she was being stubborn. Her chin jutted out.

"Bella, I was standing with you and pulled you out of the way."

I stared deeply into her wide eyes, trying to will her into accepting my version - the only rational version on the table.

Her jaw set. "No."

I tried to stay calm, to not panic. If only I could keep her quiet for a few moments, to give me a chance to destroy the evidence … and undermine her story by disclosing her head injury.

Shouldn't it be easy to keep this silent, secretive girl quiet? If only she would trust me, just for a few moments…

"Please, Bella," I said, and my voice was too intense because I suddenly _wanted _her to trust me. Wanted it badly - and not just in regards to this accident. A stupid desire. What sense would it make for her to trust _me_?

"Why?" she asked, still defensive.

"Trust me," I pleaded.

"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"

It made me angry to have to lie to her again when I so much wished that I could somehow deserve her trust. So, when I answered her, it was a retort.

"Fine."

"Fine," she echoed in the same tone.

While the rescue attempt began around us - adults arriving, authorities called, sirens in the distance - I tried to ignore the girl and get my priorities in the right order. I searched through every mind in the lot, the witnesses and the latecomers both, but I could find nothing dangerous. Many were surprised to see me here beside Bella, but all concluded - as there was no other possible conclusion - that they had just not noticed me standing by the girl before the accident.

She was the only one who didn't accept the easy explanation, but she would be considered the least reliable witness. She had been frightened, traumatized, not to mention sustaining the blow to the head. Possibly in shock. It would be acceptable for her story to be confused, wouldn't it? No one would give it much credence above so many other spectators…

I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, just arriving on the scene. There would be hell to pay for this tonight.

I wanted to iron out the indention my shoulders had made against the tan car, but the girl was too close. I'd have to wait till she was distracted.

It was frustrating to wait - so many eyes on me - as the humans struggled with the van, trying to pull it away from us. I might have helped them, just to speed the process, but I was already in enough trouble and the girl had sharp eyes. Finally, they were ale to shift it far enough away for the EMTs to get to us with their stretchers.

A familiar, grizzled face appraised me.

"Hey, Edward," Brett Warner said. He was also a registered nurse, and I knew him well from the hospital. It was a stroke of luck, the only luck today, that he was the first through to us. In his thoughts, he was noting that I looked alert and calm. "You okay, kid?"

"Perfect, Brett. Nothing touched me. But I'm afraid Bella here might have a concussion. She really hit her head when I yanked her out of the way…"

Brett turned his attention to the girl, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal. Oh, that was right. She was the quiet martyr; she'd prefer to suffer in silence.

She did not contradict my story immediately, though, and this made me feel easier.

The next EMT tried to insist that I allow myself to be treated, but it wasn't too difficult to dissuade him. I promised I would let my father examine me, and he let it go. With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed. Most humans, just not the girl, of course. Did she fit into _any _of the normal patterns?

As they put a neck brace on her - and her face flushed scarlet with embarrassment - I used the moment of distraction to quietly rearrange the shape of the dent in the tan car with the back of my foot. Only my siblings noticed what I was doing, and I heard Emmett's mental promise to catch anything I missed.

Grateful for his help - and more grateful that Emmett, at least, had already forgiven my dangerous choice - I was more relaxed as I climbed into the front seat of the ambulance next to Brett.

The chief of police arrived before they had gotten Bella into the back of the ambulance.

Though Bella's father's thoughts were past words, the panic and concern emanating out of the man's mind drowned out just about every other thought in the vicinity. Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his only daughter on the gurney.

Washed out of him and through me, echoing and growing stronger. When Alice had warned me that killing Charlie Swan's daughter would kill him, too, she had not been exaggerating.

My head bowed with that guilt as I listened to his panicked voice.

"Bella!" he shouted.

"I'm completely fine, Char- Dad." She sighed. "There's nothing wrong with me."

Her assurance barely soothed his dread. He turned at once to the closest EMT and demanded more information.

It wasn't until I heard him speaking, forming perfectly coherent sentences despite his panic, that I realized that his anxiety and concerns were _not _wordless. I just … could not hear the exact words.

Hmm. Charlie Swan was not as silent as his daughter, but I could see where she got it from. Interesting.

I'd never spent much time around the town's police chief. I'd always taken him for a man of slow thought. Now, I realized that _I _was the one who was slow. His thoughts were partially concealed, not absent. I could only make out the tenor, the tone of them…

I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find in this new, lesser puzzle the key to the girl's secrets. But Bella was loaded into the back by then, and the ambulance was on its way.

It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that had come to obsess me. But I had to think now - to look at what had been done today from every angle. I had to listen, to make sure that I had not put us all in so much danger that we would have to leave immediately. I had to concentrate.

There was nothing in the thoughts of the EMTs to worry me. As far as they could tell, there was nothing seriously wrong with the girl. And Bella was sticking to the story I'd provided, thus far.

The first priority, when we reached the hospital, was to see Carlisle. I hurried through the automatic doors, but I was unable to totally forgo watching after Bella; I kept an eye on her through the paramedics' thoughts.

It was easy to find my father's familiar mind. He was in his small office, all alone - the second stroke of luck in this luckless day.

"Carlisle."

He'd heard my approach, and he was alarmed as soon as he saw my face. He jumped to his feet, his face paling to bone white. He leaned forward across the neatly organized walnut desk.

_Edward- You didn't - _

"No, no, it's not that."

He took a deep breath. _Of course not. I'm sorry I entertained the thought. Your eyes, of course, I should have known… _He noted my still-golden eyes with relief.

"She's hurt, though, Carlisle, probably not seriously, but-"

"What happened?"

"A stupid car accident. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I couldn't just stand there, let it crush her-"

_Start over, I don't understand. How were you involved?_

"A van skidded across the ice," I whispered. I stared at the wall behind him while I spoke. Instead of a throng of framed diplomas, he had one simple oil painting - a favorite of his, an undiscovered Hassam. "She was in the way. Alice saw it coming, but there wasn't time to do anything but really _run _across the lot and shove her out of the way. No one noticed…except for her. I had to stop the van, too, but again, nobody saw that…besides her. I'm…I'm sorry Carlisle. I didn't mean to put us in danger."

He circled the desk and put his hand on my shoulder.

_You did the right thing. And it couldn't have been easy for you. I'm proud of you, Edward._

I could look him in the eye then. "She knows there's something…wrong with me."

"That doesn't matter. If we have to leave, we leave. What has she said?"

I shook my head, a little frustrated. "Nothing yet."

_Yet?_

"She agreed to my version of events- but she's expecting an explanation."

He frowned, pondering this.

"She hit her head - well, I did that," I continued quickly. "I knocked her to the ground fairly hard. She seems fine, but… I don't think it will take much to discredit her account."

I felt like a cad just saying the words.

Carlisle heard the distaste in my voice. _Perhaps that won't be necessary. Let's see what happens, shall we? It sounds like I have a patient to check on._

"Please," I said. "I'm so worried that I hurt her."

Carlisle's expression brightened. He smoothed his fair hair - just a few shades lighter than his golden eyes - and he laughed.

_It's been an interesting day for you, hasn't it? _In his mind, I could see the irony, and it was humorous, at least to him. Quite the reversal of roles. Somewhere during that short thoughtless second when I'd sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed from killer to protector.

I laughed with him, remembering how sure I'd been that Bella would never need protecting from anything more than myself. There was an edge to my laugh because, van notwithstanding, that was still entirely true.

I waited alone in Carlisle's office - one of the longer hours I had ever lived - listening to the hospital full of thoughts.

Tyler Crowley, the van's driver, looked to be hurt worse than Bella, and the attention shifted to him while she waited her turn to be X-rayed. Carlisle kept in the background, trusting the PA's diagnosis that the girl was only slightly injured. This made me anxious, but I knew he was right. One glance at his face and she would be immediately reminded of me, of the fact that there was something not right about my family, and that might set her talking.

She certainly had a willing enough partner to converse with. Tyler was consumed with guilt over the fact that he had almost killed her, and he couldn't seem to shut up about it. I could see her expression through his eyes, and it was clear that she wished he would stop. How did he not see that?  
There was a tense moment for me when Tyler asked her how she'd gotten out of the way.

I waited, not breathing, as she hesitated.

_"Um…" _he heard her say. Then she paused for so long that Tyler wondered if his question had confused her. Finally, she went on. _"Edward pulled me out of the way."_

I exhaled. And then my breathing accelerated. I'd never heard her speak my name before. I like the way it sounded - even just hearing it through Tyler's thoughts. I wanted to hear it for myself…

_"Edward Cullen," _she said, when Tyler didn't realize who she meant. I found myself at the door, my hand on the knob. The desire to see her was growing stronger. I had to remind myself of the need for caution.

_"He was standing next to me."_

_ "Cullen?" Huh. That's weird. "I didn't see him." I could have sworn… "Wow, it was all so fast, I guess. Is he okay?"_

_ "I think so. He's here somewhere, but they didn't make him use a stretcher."_

I saw the thoughtful look on her face, the suspicious tightening of her eyes, but these little changes in her expression were lost on Tyler.

_She's pretty, _he was thinking, almost in surprise. _Even all messed up. Not my usual type, still… I should take her out. Make up for today…_

I was out in the hall, then, halfway to the emergency room, without thinking for one second about what I was doing. Luckily, the nurse entered the room before I could; it was Bella's turn for X-rays. I leaned against the wall in a dark nook just around the corner and tried to get a grip on myself while she was wheeled away.

It didn't matter that Tyler thought she was pretty. Anyone would notice that. There was no reason for me to feel…how_ did _I feel? Annoyed? Or was _angry _closer to the truth? That made no sense at all.

I stayed where I was for as long as I could, but impatience got the best of me. I took a back way around to the radiology room. She'd already been moved back to the ER, but I was able to take a peek at her X-rays while the nurse's back was turned.

I felt calmer when I had. Her head was fine. I hadn't hurt her, not really.

Carlisle caught me there.

_You look better, _he commented.

I just looked straight ahead. We weren't alone, the halls full of orderlies and visitors.

_Ah, yes. _He stuck her X-rays to the light board, but I didn't need a second look. _I see. She's absolutely fine. Well done, Edward._

The sound of my father's approval created a mixed reaction in me. I would have been pleased, except that I knew that he would not approve of what I was going to do now. At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations…

"I think I'm going to go talk to her - before she sees you," I murmured under my breath. "Act natural, like nothing happened. Smooth it over." All acceptable reasons.

Carlisle nodded absently, still looking over the X-rays. "Good idea. Hmm."

I looked to see what had his interest.

_Look at all the healed contusions! How many times did her mother drop her? _Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke.

"I'm beginning to think the girl just has really bad luck. Always in the wrong place at the wrong time."

_Forks is certainly the wrong place for her, with you here._

I flinched.

_Go ahead. Smooth things over. I'll join you momentarily._

I walked away quickly, feeling guilty. Perhaps I was too good a liar if I could fool Carlisle.

When I got to the ER, Tyler was mumbling under his breath, still apologizing. The girl was trying to escape his remorse by pretending to sleep. Her eyes were closed, but her breathing was not even. Now and then, her fingers would twitch impatiently.

I stared at her face for a long moment. This was the last time I would see her. That fact triggered an acute aching in my chest. Was it because I hated to leave any puzzle unsolved? That did not seem like enough of an explanation.

Finally, I took a deep breath and moved into view.

When Tyler saw me, he started to speak, but I put one finger to my lips.

"Is she sleeping?" I murmured.

Bella's eyes snapped open and focused on my face. They widened momentarily and then narrowed in anger or suspicion. I remembered that I had a role to play, so I smiled at her as if nothing unusual had happened this morning - besides a blow to her head and a bit of imagination run wild.

"Hey, Edward," Tyler said. "I'm really sorry-"

I raised one hand to halt his apology. "No blood, no foul," I said wryly. Without thinking, I smiled too widely at my private joke.

It was amazingly easy to ignore Tyler, lying no more than four feet from me, covered in fresh blood. I'd never understood how Carlisle was able to do that - ignore the blood of his patients in order to treat them. Wouldn't that constant temptation be so distracting, so dangerous…? But, now… I could see how, if you were focusing on something else _hard _enough, the temptation was nothing at all.

Even fresh and exposed, Tyler's blood had nothing on Bella's.

I kept my distance from her, seating myself on the foot of Tyler's mattress.

"So, what's the verdict?" I asked her.

Her lower lip pushed out a little. "There's nothing wrong with me at all, but they won't let me go. How come you aren't strapped to a gurney like the rest of us?"

Her impatience made me smile again.

I could hear Carlisle in the hall now.

"It's all about who you know," I said lightly. "But don't worry, I came to spring you."

I watched her reaction carefully as my father entered the room. Her eyes widened and her mouth actually fell open in surprise. I groaned internally. Yes, she'd certainly noticed the resemblance.

"So, Miss Swan, how are you feeling?" Carlisle asked. He had a wonderfully soothing bedside manner that put most patients at ease within moments. I couldn't tell how it affected Bella.

"I'm fine," she said quietly.

Carlisle clipped her X-rays to the light board by the bed. "Your X-rays look good. Does your head hurt? Edward said you hit it pretty hard."

She sighed and said, "I'm fine," again, but this time impatience leaked into her voice. Then she glowered once in my direction.

Carlisle stepped closer to her and ran his fingers gently over her scalp until he found the bump under her hair.

I was caught off guard by the wave of emotion that crashed over me.

I had seen Carlisle work with humans a thousand times. Years ago, I had even assisted him informally - though only in situations where blood was not involved. So it wasn't a new thing to me, to watch him interact with the girl as if he were as human as she was. I'd envied his control many times, but that was not the same as this emotion. I envied him more than his control. I ached for the difference between Carlisle and me - that he could touch her so gently, without fear, knowing he would never harm her…

She winced, and I twitched in my seat. I had to concentrate for a moment to keep my relaxed posture.

"Tender?" Carlisle asked.

Her chin jerked up a fraction. "Not really," she said.

Another small piece of her character fell into place: she was brave. She didn't like to show weakness.

Possibly the most vulnerable creature I would ever see, and she didn't want to seem weak. A chuckle slid through my lips.

She shot another glare at me.

"Well," Carlisle said. "Your father is in the waiting room. You can go home with him now. But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all."

Her father was here? I swept through the thoughts in the crowded waiting room, but I couldn't pick his subtle mental voice out of the group before she was speaking again, her face anxious.

"Can't I go back to school?"

"Maybe you should take it easy today," Carlisle suggested.

Her eyes flickered back to me. "Does _he _get to go to school?"

Act normal, smooth things over … ignore the way it feels when she looks me in the eye…

"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," I said.

"Actually," Carlisle corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."

I anticipated her reaction this time - her aversion to attention. She didn't disappoint.

"Oh no," she moaned, and she put her hands over her face.

I liked that I'd finally guessed right. I was beginning to understand her…

"Do you want to stay?" Carlisle asked.

"No, no!" she said quickly, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress and sliding down till her feet were on the floor. She stumbled forward, off-balance, into Carlisle's arms. He caught and steadied her.

Again, the envy flooded through me.

"I'm fine," she said before he could comment, faint pink in her cheeks.

Of course, that wouldn't bother Carlisle. He made sure she was balanced and then dropped his hands.

"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he instructed.

"It doesn't hurt that bad."

Carlisle smiled as he signed her chart. "It sounds like you were extremely lucky."

She turned her face slightly, to stare at me with hard eyes. "Lucky Edward happened to be standing next to me."

"Oh, well, yes," Carlisle agreed quickly, hearing the same thing in her voice that I heard. She hadn't written her suspicions off as imagination. Not yet.

_All yours, _Carlisle thought. _Handle it as you think best._

"Thanks so much," I whispered, quick and quiet. Neither human heard me. Carlisle's lips turned up a tiny bit at my sarcasm as he turned to Tyler. "I'm afraid that _you'll _have to stay with us just a little bit longer," he said as he began examining the slashes left by the shattered windshield.

Well, I'd made the mess, so it was only fair that I had to deal with it.

Bella walked deliberately toward me, not stopping until she was uncomfortably close. I remembered how I had hoped, before all the mayhem, that she would approach me… This was like a mockery of that wish.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" she hissed at me.

Her warm breath brushed my face, and I had to stagger back a step. Her appeal had not abated one bit. Every time she was near me, it triggered all my worst, most urgent instincts. Venom flowed in my mouth and my body yearned to strike - to wrench her into my arms and crush her throat to my teeth.

My mind was stronger than my body - but only just.

"Your father is waiting for you," I reminded her, my jaw clenched tight.

She glanced toward Carlisle and Tyler. Tyler was paying us no attention at all, but Carlisle was monitoring my every breath.

_Carefully, Edward._

"I'd like to speak to you alone, if you don't mind," she insisted in a low voice.

I wanted to tell her that I did mind very much, but I knew I would have to do this eventually. I may as well get on with it.

I was full of so many conflicting emotions as I stalked out of the room, listening to her stumbling footsteps behind me, trying to keep up.

I had a show to put on now. I knew the role I would play. I had the character down: I would be the villain. I would lie and ridicule and be cruel.

It went against all my better impulses - the human impulses that I'd clung to through all these years. I'd never wanted to deserve trust more than in this moment, just when I had to destroy all possibility of it.

It made it worse to know that this would be the last memory she would have of me. This was my farewell scene.

I turned on her.

"What do you want?" I asked coldly.

She cringed back slightly from my hostility. Her eyes turned bewildered, the expression that had haunted me…

"You owe me an explanation," she said in a small voice; her ivory face blanched.

It was very hard to keep my voice harsh. "I saved your life - I don't owe you anything."

She flinched. It burned like acid to watch my words hurt her.

"You promised," she whispered.

"Bella, you hit your head, you don't know what you're talking about."

Her chin came up then. "There's nothing wrong with my head."

She was angry now, and that made it easier for me. I met her glare, making my face more unfriendly.

"What do you want from me, Bella?"

"I want to know the truth. I want to know why I'm lying for you."

What she wanted was only fair. It frustrated me to have to deny her.

"What do you _think _happened?" I nearly growled at her.

Her words poured out in a torrent. "All I know is that you weren't anywhere near me- Tyler didn't see you, either, so don't tell me I hit my head too hard. That van was going to crush us both- and it didn't, and your hands left dents in the side of it- and you left a dent in the other car, and you're not hurt at all- and the van should have smashed my legs, but you were holding it up…" Suddenly, she clenched her teeth together and her eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

I stared at her, my expression derisive, though what I really felt was awe; she had seen everything.

"You think I lifted a van off you?" I asked sarcastically.

She answered with one stiff nod.

My voice grew more mocking. "Nobody will believe that, you know."

She made an effort to control her anger. When she answered me, she spoke each word with slow deliberation. "I'm not going to tell anybody."

She meant it. I could see that in her eyes. Even furious and betrayed, she would keep my secret.

_Why?_

The shock of it ruined my carefully designed expression for a half a second, and then I pulled myself together.

"Then why does it matter?" I asked, working to keep my voice severe.

"It matters to me," she said intensely. "I don't like to lie, so there'd better be a good reason why I'm doing it."

She was asking me to trust her. Just as I wanted her to trust me. But this was a line I could not cross.

My voice stayed callous. "Can't you just thank me and get it over with?"

"Thank you," she said, and then she fumed silently, waiting.

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"No."

"In that case…" I couldn't tell her the truth if I wanted to… and I _didn't _want to. I'd rather she made up her own story than know what I was because nothing could be worse than the truth: I was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel. "I hope you enjoy disappointment."

We scowled at each other. It was odd how endearing her anger was. Like a furious kitten, soft and harmless - and so unaware of her own vulnerability.

She flushed pink and ground her teeth together again. "Why did you even bother?"

Her question wasn't one that I was expecting or prepared to answer. I lost my hold on the role I was playing. I felt the mask slip from my face, and I told her - this one time - the truth.

"I don't know."

I memorized her face one last time - it was still set in lines of anger, the blood not yet faded from her cheeks - and then I turned and walked away from her.

**4. Visions**

I went back to school. This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way to behave.

By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too. Just Tyler and Bella and a few others - who were probably using the accident as a chance to ditch - remained absent.

It shouldn't be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I was gritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning to ditch, too - in order to go find the girl again.

Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. An obsessed, vampire stalker.

School today was - somehow, impossibly - even more boring than it had seemed just a week ago. Coma-like. It was as if the color had drained from the bricks, the trees, the sky, the faces around me… I stared at the cracks in the walls.

There was another right thing I should be doing … that I was not. Of course, it was also a wrong thing. It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it.

From the perspective of a Cullen - not just a vampire, but a _Cullen_, someone who belonged to a family, such a rare state in our world - the right thing to do would have gone something like this:

_"I'm surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."_

_ "Yes, I was, Mr. Banner, but I was the lucky one." A friendly smile. "I didn't get hurt at all… I wish I could say the same for Tyler and Bella."_

_ "How are they?"_

_ "I think Tyler is fine… just some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass. I'm not sure about Bella, though." A worried frown. "She might have a concussion. I heard she was pretty incoherent for a while - seeing things even. I know the doctors were worried…"_

That's how it should have gone. That's what I owed my family.

"I'm surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in that awful accident this morning."

"I wasn't hurt." No smile.

Mr. Banner shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable.

"Do you have any idea how Tyler Crowley and Bella Swan are? I heard there are some injuries…"

I shrugged. "I wouldn't know."

Mr. Banner cleared his throat. "Er, right…" he said, my cold stare making his voice sound a bit strained.

He walked quickly back to the front of the classroom and began his lecture.

It was the wrong thing to do. Unless you looked at it from a more obscure point of view.

It just seemed so… so _unchivalrous _to slander the girl behind her back, especially when she was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed. She hadn't said anything to betray me, despite having good reason to do so. Would I betray her when she had done nothing but keep my secret?

I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs. Goff - just in Spanish rather than in English - and Emmett gave me a long look.

_I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today. Rose is on the warpath._

I rolled my eyes without looking at him.

I actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation. Just suppose I _hadn't _done anything to stop the van from crushing the girl … I recoiled from that thought. But if she _had _been hit, if she'd been mangled and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting on the blacktop, the scent of the fresh blood pulsing through the air …

I shuddered again but not just in horror. Part of me shivered in desire. No, I would not have been able to watch her bleed without exposing us all in a much more flagrant and shocking way.

It was a perfectly sound excuse … but I wouldn't use it. It was too shameful.

And I hadn't thought of it until long after the fact, regardless.

_Look out for Jasper, _Emmett went on, oblivious to my reverie. _He's not as angry … but he's more resolved._

I saw what he meant, and for a moment, the room swam around me. My rage was so all-consuming that a red haze clouded my vision. I thought I would choke on it.

_SHEESH, EDWARD! GET A GRIP! _Emmett shouted at me in his head. His hand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet. He rarely used his full strength - there was rarely a need, for he was so much stronger than any vampire any of us had ever encountered - but he used it now. He gripped my arm, rather than pushing me down. If he'd been pushing, the chair under me would have collapsed.

_EASY!_he ordered.

I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. The rage burned in my head.

_Jasper's not going to do anything until we all talk. I just thought you should know the direction he's headed._

I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Emmett's hand loosen.

_Try not to make _more _of a spectacle of yourself. You're in enough trouble as it is._

I took a deep breath, and Emmett released me.

I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation had been so short and silent that only a few people sitting behind Emmett had even noticed. None of them knew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off. The Cullens were freaks. Everyone knew that already.

_Damn, kid you're a mess, _Emmett added, sympathy in his tone.

"Bite me," I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle.

Emmett didn't hold grudges, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easy-going nature. But I could see that Jasper's intentions made sense to Emmett, that he was considering how it might be the best course of action.

The rage simmered, barely under control. Yes, Emmett was stronger than I was, but he'd yet to beat me in a wrestling match. He claimed that this was because I cheated, but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was a part of him. We were evenly matched in a fight.

A fight? Was that where this was headed? Was I going to fight with my _family _over a human I barely knew?

I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the girl's body in my arms in juxtaposition with Jasper, Rose, and Emmett - all supernaturally strong and fast, killing machines by nature…

Yes, I would fight for her. Against my family. I shuddered.

But it wasn't fair to leave her undefended when I was the one who'd put her in danger.

I couldn't win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered who my allies would be.

Carlisle, certainly. He would not fight anyone, but he would be wholly against Rose's and Jasper's designs. That might be all I needed. I would see…

Esme, doubtful. She would not side _against _me either, and she would hate to disagree with Carlisle, but she would be for any plan that kept her family intact. Her first priority would not be rightness, but me. If Carlisle was the soul of our family, then Esme was the heart. He gave us a leader who deserved following; she made that following into an act of love. We all loved each other - even under the fury I felt toward Jasper and Rose right now, even planning to fight them to save the girl, I knew that I loved them.

Alice … I had no idea. It would probably depend on what she saw coming. She would side with the winner, I imagined.

So, I would have to do this without help. I wasn't a match for them alone, but I wasn't going to let the girl be hurt because of me. That might mean evasive action…

My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humor. I could imagine how the girl would react to my kidnapping her. Of course, I rarely guessed her reactions right, but what other reaction could she have besides terror?

I wasn't sure how to manage that, though - kidnapping her. I wouldn't be able to stand being close to her for very long. Perhaps I would just deliver her back to her mother. Even that much would be fraught with danger. For her.

And also for me, I realized suddenly. If I were to kill her by accident… I wasn't certain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifaceted and intense.

The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me: the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might be forced to go to afterward…

Well, I couldn't complain that life _outside _this school was monotonous any more. The girl had changed that much.

Emmett and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang. He was worrying about me and worrying about Rosalie. He knew whose side he would have to choose in a quarrel, and it bothered him.

The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent. We were a very quiet group. Only I could hear the shouting.

_Idiot! Lunatic! Moron! Jackass! Selfish, irresponsible fool! _Rosalie kept up a constant stream of insults at the top her mental lungs. It made it hard to hear the others, but I ignored her as best I could.

Emmett was right about Jasper. He was sure of his course.

Alice was troubled, worrying about Jasper, flipping through images of the future. No matter which direction Jasper came at the girl, Alice always saw me there, blocking him. Interesting… neither Rosalie nor Emmett was with him in these visions. So Jasper planned to work alone. That would even things up.

Jasper was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us. My one advantage lay in that I could hear his moves before he made them.

I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasper - just horsing around. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper…

No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.

I concentrated on Alice, memorizing Jasper's different avenues of attack.

As I did that, her vision shifted, moving further and further away from the Swan's house. I was cutting him off earlier…

_Stop that, Edward! It can't happen this way. I won't let it._

I didn't answer her, I just kept watching.

She began searching farther ahead, into the misty, unsure realm of distant possibilities. Everything was shadowy and vague.

The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift. I parked in the big garage off the house; Carlisle's Mercedes was there, next to Emmett's big jeep, Rose's M3 and my Vantage. I was glad Carlisle was already home. This silence would end explosively, and I wanted him there when that happened.

We went straight to the dining room.

The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose. But it was furnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairs: We were scrupulous about having all the correct props in place. Carlisle liked to use it as a conference room. In a group with such strong and disparate personalities, sometimes it was necessary to discuss things in a calm, seated manner.

I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today.

Carlisle sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room. Esme was beside him - they held hands on top of the table.

Esme's eyes were on me, their golden depths full of concern.

_Stay. _It was her only thought.

I wished I could smile at the woman who was truly a mother to me, but I had no reassurances for her now.

I sat on Carlisle's other side. Esme reached around him to put her free hand on my shoulder. She had no idea of what was about to start; she was just worrying about me.

Carlisle had a better sense of what was coming. His lips were pressed tightly together, and his forehead was creased. The expression looked too old for his young face.

As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn.

Rosalie sat directly across from Carlisle, on the other end of the long table. She glared at me, never looking away.

Emmett sat beside her, his face and thoughts both wry.

Jasper hesitated and then went to stand against the wall behind Rosalie. He was decided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion. My teeth locked together.

Alice was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away - the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it. Without seeming to think about it, she sat next to Esme. She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. Jasper twitched uneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place.

I took a deep breath. I had started this - I should speak first.

"I'm sorry," I said, looking first at Rose, then Jasper and then Emmett. "I didn't mean to put any of you at risk. It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for my hasty action."

Rosalie glared at me balefully. "What do you mean, 'take full responsibility'? Are you going to fix it?"

"Not the way you mean," I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet. "I'm willing to leave now, if that makes things better." _If I believe that the girl will be safe, if I believe that none of you will touch her, _I amended in my head.

"No," Esme murmured. "No, Edward."

I patted her hand. "It's just a few years."

"Esme's right, though," Emmett said. "You can't go anywhere now. That would be the _opposite _of helpful. We have to know what people are thinking, now more than ever."

"Alice will catch anything major," I disagreed.

Carlisle shook his head. "I think Emmett is right, Edward. The girl will be more likely to talk if you disappear. It's all of us leave, or none of us."

"She won't say anything," I insisted quickly. Rose was building up to the explosion, and I wanted this fact out there first.

"You don't know her mind," Carlisle reminded me.

"I know this much. Alice, back me up."

Alice stared up at me wearily. "I can't see what will happen if we just ignore this." She glanced at Rose and Jasper.

No, she couldn't see the future - not when Rosalie and Jasper were so decided against ignoring the incident.

Rosalie's palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang. "We can't allow the human a chance to say anything. Carlisle, you _must _see that. Even if we decided to all disappear, it's not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest of our kind- you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We have to be more careful than anyone else!"

"We've left rumors behind us before," I reminded her.

"Just rumors and suspicions, Edward. Not eyewitnesses and evidence!"

"Evidence!" I scoffed.

But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard.

"Rose-" Carlisle began.

"Let me finish, Carlisle. It doesn't have to be any big production. The girl hit her head today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious than it looked." Rosalie shrugged. "Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The others would expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically, that would make it Edward's job, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I'm capable of control. I would leave no evidence behind me."

"Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient an assassin you are," I snarled.

She hissed at me, furious.

"Edward, please," Carlisle said. Then he turned to Rosalie. "Rosalie, I looked the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men you killed had wronged you monstrously. This is not the same situation. The Swan girl is an innocent."

"It's not personal, Carlisle," Rosalie said through her teeth. "It's to protect us all."

There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer. When he nodded, Rosalie's eyes lit up. She should have known better. Even if I hadn't been able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words. Carlisle never compromised.

"I know you mean well, Rosalie, but…I'd like very much for our family to be _worth _protecting. The occasional…accident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of who we are." It was very like him to include himself in the plural though he had never had such a lapse himself. "To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thing entirely. I believe the risk she presents, whether she speaks her suspicions or not, is nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk something much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are."

I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn't do at all to grin. Or to applaud, as I wished I could.

Rosalie scowled. "It's just being responsible."

"It's being callous," Carlisle corrected gently. "Every life is precious."

Rosalie sighed heavily, and her lower lip pouted out. Emmett patted her shoulder. "It'll be fine, Rose," he encouraged in a low voice.

"The question," Carlisle continued, "is whether we should move on?"

"No," Rosalie moaned. "We just got settled. I don't want to start on my sophomore year in high school again!"

"You could keep your present age, of course," Carlisle said.

"And have to move again that much sooner?" she countered.

Carlisle shrugged.

"I _like _it here! There's so little sun-we get to be almost _normal._"

"Well, we certainly don't have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomes necessary. Edward seems certain of the Swan girl's silence."

Rosalie snorted.

But I was no longer worried about Rose. I could see that she would go along with Carlisle's decision, no matter how infuriated she was with me. Their conversation had moved on to unimportant details.

Jasper remained unmoved.

I understood why. Before he and Alice had met, he'd lived in a combat zone, a relentless theater of war. He knew the consequences of flouting the rules - he'd seen the grisly aftermath with his own eyes.

It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties, nor did he now try to rile her up. He was holding himself aloof from this discussion - above it.

"Jasper," I said.

He met my gaze, his face expressionless.

"She won't pay for my mistake. I won't allow that."

"She benefits from it, then? She should have died today, Edward. I would only set that right."

I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. "I will not allow it."

His eyebrows shot up. He wasn't expecting this; he hadn't imagined that I would act to stop him.

He shook his head once. "I won't let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger. You don't feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven't lived through what I've lived though, whether you've seen my memories or not. You don't understand."

"I'm not disputing that, Jasper. But I'm telling you now, I won't allow you to hurt Isabella Swan."

We stared at each other, not glaring but measuring the opposition. I felt him sample the mood around me, testing my determination.

"Jazz," Alice said, interrupting us.

He held my gaze for a moment more and then looked at her. "Don't bother telling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I've still got to-"

"That's not what I'm going to say," Alice interrupted. "I was going to ask you for a favor."

I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp. I stared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper was now eyeing me warily.

"I know you love me. Thanks. But I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to kill Bella. First of all, Edward's serious, and I don't want you two fighting. Secondly, she's my friend. At least, she's _going _to be."

It was clear as glass in her head: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around the girl's warm, fragile shoulders. And Bella was smiling, too, her arm around Alice's waist.

The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure.

"But…Alice…" Jasper gasped. I couldn't manage to turn my head to see his expression. I couldn't tear myself away from the image in Alice's head in order to hear his.

"I'm going to love her someday, Jazz. I'll be very put out with you if you don't let her be."

I was still locked into Alice's thoughts. I saw the future shimmer as Jasper's resolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request.

"Ah," she sighed. His indecision had cleared a new future. "See? Bella's not going to say anything. There's nothing to worry about."

The way she said the girl's name… like they were already close confidants…

"Alice," I choked. "What…does this…?"

"I told you there was a change coming. I don't know, Edward." But she locked her jaw, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; she was focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly though he was too stunned to have progressed much in his decision making.

She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me.

"What, Alice? What are you hiding?"

I heard Emmett grumble. He always got frustrated when Alice and I had these kinds of conversations.

She shook her head, trying to not let me in.

"Is it about the girl?" I demanded. "Is it about Bella?"

She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Bella's name, she slipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough.

"NO!" I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was on my feet.

"Edward!" Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barely aware of him.

"It's solidifying," Alice whispered. "Every minute, you're more decided. There're really only two ways left for her. It's one or the other, Edward."

I could see what she saw…but I could not accept it.

"No," I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and I had to brace myself against the table.

"Will somebody _please _let the rest of us in on the mystery?" Emmett complained.

"I have to leave," I whispered to Alice, ignoring him.

"Edward, we've already been over that," Emmett said loudly. "That's the best way to start the girl talking. Besides, if you take off, we won't know for sure if she's talking or not. You have to stay and deal with this."

"I don't see you going anywhere, Edward," Alice told me. "I don't know if you _can _leave anymore." _Think about it, _she added silently. _Think about leaving._

I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the girl again was…painful. But it was also necessary. I couldn't sanction either future I'd apparently condemned her to.

_I'm not entirely sure of Jasper, Edward, _Alice went on. _If you leave, if he thinks she's a danger to us…_

"I don't hear that," I contradicted her, still only halfway aware of our audience. Jasper was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Alice.  
_ Not right this moment. Will you risk her life, leave her undefended?_

"Why are you doing this to me?" I groaned. My head fell into my hands.

I was not Bella's protector. I could not be that. Wasn't Alice's divided future enough proof of that?

_I love her, too. Or I will. It's not the same, but I want her around for that._

"Love her, _too_?" I whispered, incredulous.

She sighed. _You are so blind, Edward. Can't you see where you're headed? Can't you see where you already are? It's more inevitable than the sun rising in the east. See what I see…_

I shook my head, horrified. "No." I tried to shut out the visions she revealed to me. "I don't have to follow that course. I'll leave. I _will _change the future."

"You can try," she said, her voice skeptical.

"Oh, _come on_!" Emmett bellowed.

"Pay attention," Rose hissed at him. "Alice sees him falling for a _human! _How classically Edward!" She made a gagging sound.

I scarcely heard her.

"What?" Emmett said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through the room. "Is that what's been going on?" He laughed again. "Tough break, Edward."

I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently. I couldn't pay attention to him.

"_Fall _for a human?" Esme repeated in a stunned voice. "For the girl he saved today? Fall in _love _with her?"

"What did you see, Alice? Exactly," Jasper demanded.

She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face.

"It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he'll kill her himself" - she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring - "which would _really _irritate me, Edward, not to mention what it would do to _you_-" she faced Jasper again, "or she'll be one of us someday."

Someone gasped; I didn't look to see who.

"That's not going to happen!" I was shouting again. "Either one!"

Alice didn't seem to hear me. "It all depends," she repeated. "He may be just strong enough not to kill her - but it will be close. It will take an amazing amount of control," she mused. "More even than Carlisle has. He may be _just _strong enough… The only thing he's not strong enough to do is stay away from her. That's a lost cause."

I couldn't find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room was still.

I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrified expression from five different viewpoints.

After a long moment, Carlisle sighed.

"Well, this…complicates things."

"I'll say," Emmett agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Emmett to find the joke in the destruction of my life.

"I suppose the plans remain the same, though," Carlisle said thoughtfully. "We'll stay and watch. Obviously, no one will … hurt the girl."

I stiffened.

"No," Jasper said quietly. "I can agree to that. If Alice sees only two ways-"

"No!" My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but some combination of the three. "No!"

I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts: Rosalie's self-righteous disgust, Emmett's humor, Carlisle's never ending patience…

Worse: Alice's confidence. Jasper's confidence in that confidence.

Worst of all: Emse's …_joy._

I stalked out of the room. Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didn't acknowledge the gesture.

I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound and raced into the forest. The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in a few moments. I liked the thick sheet of water - it made a wall between me and the rest of the world. It closed me in, let me be alone.

I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straight course, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound. I stopped before I touched the borders of human civilization.

Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done - at the way I had mutilated the future.

First, the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each other - the trust and friendship was so obvious, it shouted from the image. Bella's wide chocolate eyes were not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets. In this moment, they seemed to be happy secrets. She did not flinch away from Alice's cold arm.

What did it mean? How much did she know? In that still-life moment from the future, what did she think of _me_?

Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror. Alice and Bella, their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship. But now there was no difference between those arms - both were white, smooth as marble, hard as steel. Bella's wide eyes were no longer chocolate. The irises were a shocking, vivid crimson. The secrets in them were unfathomable - acceptance or desolation? It was impossible to tell. Her face was cold and immortal.

I shuddered. I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different: What did it mean - how had this come about? And what did she think of me now?

I could answer that last one. If I forced her into this empty half-life through my weakness and selfishness, surely she would hate me.

But there was one more horrifying image - worse than any image I'd ever held inside my head.

My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Bella's broken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear.

I couldn't stand to see this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish it from my mind, tried to see something else, anything else. I tried to see again the expression on her living face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail.

Alice's bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony it caused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the likelihood of his success. It sickened me.

This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent the future. I would not let Alice's visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There was always a choice.

There had to be.

**5. Invitations**

High school. Purgatory no longer, it was now purely hell. Torment and fire…yes, I had both.

I was doing everything correctly now. Every "i" dotted, every "t" crossed. None one could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities.

To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks. I returned to my old schedule. I hunted no more than the rest of them. Everyday, I attended high school and played human. Everyday, I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullens-there never was anything new. The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions. She just repeated the same story again and again - that I'd been standing with her and then pulled her out of the way - till her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details. There was no danger. My hasty action had hurt no one.

No one but myself.

I was determined to change the future. Not the easiest task to set for oneself, but there was no other choice I could live with.

Alice said I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl. I would prove her wrong.

I had thought the first day would be the hardest. By the end of it, I'd been _sure _that was the case. I'd been wrong, though.

It had rankled, knowing that I would hurt the girl. I'd comforted myself with the fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick - just a tiny sting of rejection - compared to mine. Bella was human, and she knew that I was something else, something wrong, something frightening. She would probably be more relieved than wounded when I turned my face away from her and pretended that she didn't exist.

"Hello, Edward," she'd greeted me, that first day back in biology. Her voice had been pleasant, friendly, a hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I'd spoken with her.

Why? What did the change mean? Had she forgotten? Decided she had imagined the whole episode? Could she possibly have forgiven me for not following through on my promise?

The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed.

Just one moment to look in her eyes. Just to see if I could read the answers there…

No. I could not allow myself even that. Not if I was going to change the future.

I'd moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the front of the room. I'd nodded once and then turned my face straight forward.

She did not speak to me again.

That afternoon, as soon as school was finished, my role played, I ran to Seattle as I had the day before. It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when I was flying over the ground, turning everything around me into a green blur.

This run became my daily habit.

Did I love her? I did not think so. Not yet. Alice's glimpses of that future had stuck with me, though, and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella. It would be exactly like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love her was the opposite of falling. It was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as grueling as if I had no more than mortal strength.

More than a month passed, and every day it got harder. That made no sense to me- I kept waiting to get over it, to have it get easier. This must be what Alice had meant when she'd predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl. She had seen the escalation of the pain. But I could handle pain.

I would not destroy Bella's future. If I was destined to love her, then wasn't avoiding her the very least I could do?

Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear, though. I could pretend to ignore her and never look her way. I could pretend that she was of no interest to me. But that was the extent, just pretense and not reality.

I still hung on every breath she took, every word she said.

I lumped my torments into four categories.

The first two were familiar. Her scent and her silence. Or, rather - to take the responsibility on myself where it belonged - my thirst and my curiosity.

The thirst was the most primal of my torments. It was my habit now to simply not breathe at all in Biology. Of course, there were always the exceptions- when I had to answer a question or something of the sort, and I would need my breath to speak. Each time I tasted the air around the girl, it was the same as the first day: fire and need and brutal violence desperate to break free. It was hard to cling even slightly to reason or restraint in those moments. And, just like that first day, the monster in me would roar, so close to the surface…

The curiosity was the most constant of my torments. The question was never out of my mind: _What is she thinking now? _When I heard her quietly sigh. When she twisted a lock of hair absently around her finger. When she threw her books down with more force than usual. When she rushed to class late. When she tapped her foot impatiently against the floor. Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was a maddening mystery. When she spoke to the other human students, I analyzed her every word and tone. Was she speaking her thoughts, or what she thought she should say? It often sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected, and this reminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion. We were better at it than she was. Unless I was wrong about that, just imagining things. Why would she have to play a role? She was one of them- a human teenager.

Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments. Who would have ever dreamed that such a generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating? To be fair, I should have felt some gratitude to the annoying boy; more than the others, he kept the girl talking. I learned so much about her through these conversations - I was still compiling my list - but, contrarily, Mike's assistance with this project only aggravated me more. I didn't want Mike to be the one that unlocked her secrets. I wanted to do that.

It helped that he never noticed her small revelations, her little slips. He knew nothing about her. He'd created a Bella in his head that didn't exist - a girl just as generic as he was. He hadn't observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart from other humans; he didn't hear the abnormal maturity of her spoken thoughts. He didn't perceive that when she spoke of her mother, she sounded like a parent speaking of a child rather than the other way around - loving, indulgent, slightly amused, and fiercely protective. He didn't hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his rambling stories and didn't guess at the kindness behind that patience.

Through her conversations with Mike, I was able to add the most important quality to my list, the most revealing of them all, as simple as it was rare. Bella was _good. _All the other things added up to the whole - kind and self-effacing and unselfish and loving and brave - she was good, through and through.

These helpful discoveries did not warm me to the boy, however. The possessive way he viewed Bella - as if she were an acquisition to be made - provoked me almost as much as his crude fantasies about her. He was becoming more confident of her, too, as the time passed, for she seemed to prefer him over those he considered his rivals - Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, and even, sporadically, myself. He would routinely sit on her side of our table before class began, chattering at her, encouraged by her smiles. Just polite smiles, I told myself. All the same, I frequently amused myself by imagining backhanding him across the room and into the far wall… It probably wouldn't injure him, not fatally…

Mike didn't often think of me as a rival. After the accident, he'd worried that Bella and I would bond from the shared experience, but obviously the opposite had resulted. Back then, he had still been bothered that I'd singled Bella out over her peers for attention. But now I ignored her just as thoroughly as the others, and he grew complacent.

What was she thinking now? Did she welcome his attention?

And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Bella's indifference. As I ignored her, she ignored me. She never tried to speak to me again. For all I knew, she never thought about me at all.

This might have driven me mad - or even broken my resolution to change the future - except that she sometimes stared at me like she had before. I didn't see it for myself as I could not allow myself to look at her, but Alice always warned us when she was about to stare; the others were still wary of the girl's problematic knowledge.

It eased some of the pain that she gazed at me from across a distance, every now and then. Of course, she could just be wondering what kind of a freak I was.

"Bella's going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal," Alice said one Tuesday in March, and the others were careful to fidget and shift their weight like humans; absolute stillness was a marker of our kind.

I paid attention to how often she looked my direction. It pleased me, though it should not, that the frequency did not decline as the time passed. I didn't know what it meant, but it made me feel better.

Alice sighed. _I wish…_

"Stay out of it, Alice," I said under my breath. "It's not going to happen."

She pouted. Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Bella. In a strange way, she missed the girl she didn't know.

_I'll admit, you're better than I thought. You've got the future all snarled up and senseless again. I hope you're happy._

"It makes plenty of sense to me."

She snorted delicately.

I tried to shut her out, too impatient for conversation. I wasn't in a very good mood- tenser than I let any of them see. Only Jasper was aware of how tightly wound I was, feeling the stress emanate out of me with his unique ability to both sense and influence the moods of others. He didn't understand the reasons behind the moods, though, and - since I was constantly in a foul mood these days - he disregarded it.

Today would be a hard one. Harder than the day before, as was the pattern.

Mike Newton, the odious boy whom I could not allow myself to rival, was going to ask Bella on a date.

A girl's choice dance was on the near horizon, and he'd been hoping very much that Bella would ask him. That she had not done so already had rattled his confidence. Now he was in an uncomfortable bind - I enjoyed his discomfort more than I should - because Jessica Stanley had just asked him to the dance. He didn't want to say "yes," still hopeful that Bella would choose him (and prove him the victor over his rivals), but he didn't want to say "no" and end up missing the dance altogether. Jessica, hurt by his hesitation and guessing the reason behind it, was thinking daggers at Bella. Again, I had the instinct to place myself between Jessica's angry thoughts and Bella. I understood the instinct better now, but that only made it more frustrating when I could not act on it.

To think it had come to this! I was utterly fixated on the petty high school dramas that I'd once held so in contempt.

Mike was working up his nerve as he walked Bella to biology. I listened to his struggles as I waited for them to arrive. The boy was weak. He had waited for this dance purposely, afraid to make his infatuation known before she had shown a marked preference for him. He didn't want to make himself vulnerable to rejection, preferring that she make the leap first.

Coward.

He sat down on our table again, comfortable with long familiarity, and I imagined the sound it would make if his body hit the opposite wall with enough force to break most of his bones.

"So," he said to the girl, his eyes on the floor. "Jessica asked me to the spring dance."

"That's great," Bella answered immediately and with enthusiasm. It was hard not to smile as her tone sunk in to Mike's awareness. He'd been hoping for dismay. "You'll have a lot of fun with Jessica."

He scrambled for the right response. "Well…" he hesitated - and almost chickened out. Then he rallied. "I told her I had to think about it."

"Why would you do that?" she demanded. Her tone was one of disapproval, but there was the faintest hint of relief there as well.

What did _that _mean? An unexpected, intense fury made my hands clench into fists.

Mike did not hear the relief. His face was red with blood - fierce as I suddenly felt, this seemed like an invitation - and he looked at the floor again as he spoke.

"I was wondering if…well, if you might be planning to ask me."

Bella hesitated.

In that moment of her hesitation, I saw the future more clearly than Alice ever had.

The girl might say yes to Mike's unspoken question now, and she might not, but either way, someday soon, she would say yes to someone. She was lovely and intriguing, and human males were not oblivious to this fact. Whether she would settle for someone in this lackluster crowd, or wait until she was free from Forks, the day would come that she _would _say yes.

I saw her life as I had before - college, career…love, marriage. I saw her on her father's arm again, dressed in gauzy white, her face flushed with happiness as she moved to the sound of Wagner's march.

The pain was more than anything I'd felt before. A human would have to be on the point of death to feel this pain - a human would not live through it.

And not just pain, but outright _rage._

The fury ached for some kind of physical outlet. Though this insignificant, undeserving boy might not be the one that Bella would say yes to, I yearned to crush his skull in my hand, to let him stand as a representative for whoever it would be.

I didn't understand this emotion- it was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire and despair. I had never felt it before; I couldn't put a name to it.

"Mike, I think you should tell her yes," Bella said in a gentle voice.

Mike's hopes plummeted. I would have enjoyed that under other circumstances, but I was lost in the aftershock of the pain - and the remorse for what the pain and rage had done to me.

Alice was right. I was _not _strong enough.

Right now, Alice would be watching the future spin and twist, become mangled again. Would this please her?

"Did you already ask someone?" Mike asked sullenly. He glanced at me, suspicious for the first time in many weeks. I realized I had betrayed my interest; my head was inclined in Bella's direction.

The wild envy in his thoughts - envy for whoever this girl preferred to him - suddenly put a name to my unnamed emotion.

I was jealous.

"No," the girl said with a trace of humor in her voice. "I'm not going to the dance at all."

Through all the remorse and anger, I felt relief at her words. Suddenly, I was considering _my _rivals.

"Why not?" Mike asked, his tone almost rude. It offended me that he used this tone with her. I bit back a growl.

"I'm going to Seattle that Saturday," she answered.

The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been before- now that I was fully intending to find out the answers to everything. I would know the wheres and the whys of this new revelation soon enough.

Mike's tone turned unpleasantly wheedling. "Can't you go some other weekend?"

"Sorry, no." Bella was brusquer now. "So you shouldn't make Jess wait any longer- it's rude."

Her concern for Jessica's feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy. This Seattle trip was clearly an excuse to say no - did she refuse purely out of loyalty to her friend? She was more than selfless enough for that. Did she actually wish she could say yes? Or were both guesses wrong? Was she interested in someone else?

"Yeah, you're right," Mike mumbled, so demoralized that I almost felt pity for him. Almost.

He dropped his eyes from the girl, cutting off my view of her face in his thoughts.

I wasn't going to tolerate that.

I turned to read her face myself for the first time in more than a month. It was a sharp relief to allow myself this, like a gasp of air to long-submerged human lungs.

Her eyes were closed, and her hands pressed against the sides of her face. Her shoulders curved inward defensively. She shook her head ever so slightly as if she were trying to push some thought from her mind.

Frustrating. Fascinating.

Mr. Banner's voice pulled her from her reverie, and her eyes slowly opened. She looked at me immediately, perhaps sensing my gaze. She stared up into my eyes with the same bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long.

I didn't feel the remorse or the guilt or the rage in that second. I knew they would come again, and come soon, but for this one moment I rode a strange, jittery high. As if I had triumphed, rather than lost.

She didn't look away though I stared with inappropriate intensity, trying vainly to read her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes. They were full of questions, rather than answers.

I could see the reflection of my own eyes, and I saw that they were black with thirst. It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip; this was not the safest day for my will to crumble. But the blackness did not seem to frighten her. She still did not look away, and a soft, devastatingly appealing pink began to color her skin.

_What was she thinking now? _

I almost asked the questions aloud, but at that moment, Mr. Banner called my name. I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glance briefly in his direction.

I sucked in a quick breath. "The Krebs Cycle."

Thirst scorched down my throat - tightening my muscles and filing my mouth with venom - and I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate through the desire for her blood that raged inside me.

The monster was stronger than before. The monster was rejoicing. He embraced this dual future that gave him an even, fifty-fifty chance at what he craved so viciously. The third, shaky future I'd tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled - destroyed by common jealously, of all things - and he was so much closer to his goal.

The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I'd had the ability to produce tears, they would have filled my eyes now.

What had I done?

Knowing the battle was already lost, there seemed to be no reason to resist what I wanted; I turned to stare at the girl again.

She had hidden in her hair, but I could see through a parting in the tresses that her cheek was deep crimson now.

The monster liked that.

She did not meet my gaze again, but she twisted a strand of her dark hair nervously between her fingers. Her delicate fingers, her fragile wrist - they were so breakable, looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them.

No, no, no. I could not do this. She was too breakable, too good, too precious to deserve this fate. I couldn't allow my life to collide with hers, to destroy it.

But I couldn't stay away from her either. Alice was right about that.

The monster inside me hissed with frustration as I wavered, leaning first one way, then the other.

My brief hour with her passed all too quickly as I vacillated between the rock and the hard place. The bell rang, and she started collecting her things without looking at me. This disappointed me, but I could hardly expect otherwise. The way I had treated her since the accident was inexcusable.

"Bella?" I said, unable to stop myself. My willpower already lay in shreds.

She hesitated before looking at me; when she turned, her expression was guarded, distrustful.

I reminded myself that she had every right to distrust me. That she should.

She waited for me to continue, but I just stared at her, reading her face. I pulled in shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals, fighting my thirst.

"What?" she finally said. "Are you speaking to me again?" There was an edge of resentment to her tone that was, like her anger, endearing. It made me want to smile.

I wasn't sure how to answer her question. _Was _I speaking to her again, in the sense that she meant?

No. Not if I could help it. I would try to help it.

"No, not really," I told her.

She closed her eyes, which frustrated me. It cut off my best avenue of access to her feelings. She took a long, slow breath without opening her eyes. Her jaw was locked.

Eyes still closed, she spoke. Surely, this was not a normal human way to converse. Why did she do it?  
"Then what do you want, Edward?"

The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body. If I'd had a heartbeat, it would have quickened.

But how to answer her?

With the truth, I decided. I would be as truthful as I could with her from now on. I didn't want to deserve her distrust, even if earning her trust was impossible.

"I'm sorry," I told her. That was truer than she would ever know. Unfortunately, I could only safely apologize for the trivial. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."

It would be better for her if I could keep it up, continue to be rude. Could I?  
Her eyes opened, their expression still wary.

"I don't know what you mean."

I tried to get as much of a warning through to her as was allowed. "It's better if we're not friends." Surely, she could sense that much. She was a bright girl. "Trust me."

Her eyes tightened, and I remembered that I had said those words to her before - just before breaking a promise. I winced when her teeth clenched together- she clearly remembered, too.

"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," she said angrily. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."

I stared at her in shock. What did she know of my regrets?  
"Regret? Regret for what?" I demanded.

"For not just letting that stupid van squish me!" she snapped.

I froze, stunned.

How could she be thinking _that_? Saving her life was the one acceptable thing I'd done since I met her. The one thing that I was not ashamed of. The one and only thing that made me glad I existed at all. I'd been fighting to keep her alive since the first moment I'd caught her scent. How could she think this of me? How dare she question my one good deed in all this mess?

"You think I regret saving your life?"  
"I _know _you do," she retorted.

Her estimation of my intentions left me seething. "You don't know anything."

How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of her mind were! She must not think in the same way as other humans at all. That must be the explanation behind her mental silence. She was entirely other.

She jerked her face away, gritting her teeth again. Her cheeks were flushed, with anger this time. She slammed her books together in a pile, yanked them up into her arms, and marched toward the door without meeting my stare.

Even irritated as I was, it was impossible not to find her anger a bit entertaining.

She walked stiffly, without looking where she was going, and her foot caught on the lip of the doorway. She stumbled, and her things all crashed to the ground. Instead of bending to get them, she stood rigidly straight, not even looking down, as if she were not sure the books were worth retrieving.

I managed not to laugh.

No one was here to watch me; I flitted to her side and had her books put in order before she looked down.

She bent halfway, saw me, and then froze. I handed her books back to her, making sure that my icy skin never touched hers.

"Thank you," she said in a cold, severe voice.

Her tone brought back my irritation.

"You're welcome," I said just as coldly.

She wrenched herself upright and stomped away to her next class.

I watched until I could no longer see her angry figure.

Spanish passed in a blur. Mrs. Goff never questioned my abstraction - she knew my Spanish was superior to hers, so she gave me a great deal of latitude - leaving me free to think.

So, I couldn't ignore the girl. That much was obvious. But did it mean I had no choice but to destroy her? That could _not _be the only available future. There had to be some other choice, some delicate balance. I tried to think of a way…

I didn't pay much attention to Emmett until the hour was nearly up. He was curious. Emmett was not overly intuitive about the shades in other's moods, but he could see the obvious change in me. He wondered what had happened to remove the unrelenting glower from my face. He struggled to define the change and finally decided that I looked _hopeful. _

Hopeful? Is that what it looked like from the outside?

I pondered the idea of hope as we walked to the Volvo, wondering what exactly I should be hoping _for. _

But I didn't have long to ponder. Sensitive as I always was to thoughts about the girl, the sound of Bella's name in the heads of… of my rivals, I suppose I had to admit, caught my attention. Eric and Tyler, having heard - with much satisfaction - of Mike's failure, were preparing to make their moves.

Eric was already in place, positioned against her truck where she could not avoid him. Tyler's class was being held late to receive an assignment, and he was in a desperate hurry to catch her before she escaped.

This I had to see.

"Wait for the others here, all right?" I murmured to Emmett.

He eyed me suspiciously but then shrugged and nodded.

_Kid's lost his mind, _he thought, amused by my odd request.

I saw Bella on her way out of the gym, and I waited where she would not see me for her to pass. As she got closer to Eric's ambush, I strode forward, setting my pace so that I would walk by at the right moment.

I watched her body stiffen when she caught sight of the boy waiting for her. She froze for a moment, then relaxed and moved forward.

"Hi, Eric," I heard her call in a friendly voice.

I was abruptly and unexpectedly anxious. What if this gangly teen with his unhealthy skin was somehow pleasing to her?

Eric swallowed loudly, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Hi, Bella."

She seemed unconscious of his nervousness.

"What's up?" she asked, unlocking her truck without looking at his frightened expression.

"Uh, I was just wondering… if you would go to the spring dance with me?" His voice broke.

She finally looked up. Was she taken aback, or pleased? Eric couldn't meet her gaze, so I couldn't see her face in his mind.

"I thought it was girl's choice," she said, sounding flustered.

"Well, yeah," he agreed wretchedly.

This pitiable boy did not irritate me as much as Mike Newton did, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel sympathy for his angst until after Bella had answered him in a gentle voice.

"Thank you for asking me, but I'm going to be in Seattle that day."

He'd already heard this; still, it was a disappointment.

"Oh," he mumbled, barely daring to raise his eyes to the level of her nose. "Maybe next time."

"Sure," she agreed. Then she bit down on her lip as if she regretted leaving him a loophole. I liked that.

Eric slumped forward and walked away, headed in the wrong direction from his car, his only thought escape.

Tyler was behind me, almost running in his hurry to catch her before she could drive away. He was bolder and more confident than the other two; he'd only waited to approach Bella this long because he'd respected Mike's prior claim.

I wanted him to succeed in catching her for two reasons. If - as I was beginning to suspect - all this attention was annoying to Bella, I wanted to enjoy watching her reaction. But, if it was not - if Tyler's invitation was the one she'd been hoping for - then I wanted to know that, too.

I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so. He seemed tediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Bella's preferences? Maybe she liked average boys…

I winced at that thought. I could never be an average boy. How foolish it was to set myself up as a rival for her affections. How could she ever care for someone who was, by any estimation, a monster?

She was too good for a monster.

I ought to have let her escape, but my inexcusable curiosity kept me from doing what was right. Again. But what if Tyler missed his chance now, only to contact her later when I would have no way of knowing the outcome? I pulled my Volvo out into the narrow lane, blocking her exit.

Emmett and the others were on their way, but he'd described my strange behavior to them, and they were walking slowly, watching me, trying to decipher what I was doing.

I watched the girl in my rearview mirror. She glowered toward the back of my car without meeting my gaze, looking as if she wished she were driving a tank rather than a rusted Chevy.

Tyler hurried to his car and got in line behind her, grateful for my inexplicable behavior. He waved at her, trying to catch her attention, but she didn't notice. He waited a moment, and then left his car, sauntering up to her passenger side window. He tapped on the glass.

She jumped and then stared at him in confusion. After a second, she rolled the window down manually, seeming to have some trouble with it.

"I'm sorry, Tyler," she said, her voice irritated. "I'm stuck behind Cullen."

She said my surname in a hard voice - she was still angry with me.

"Oh, I know," Tyler said, undeterred by her mood. "I just wanted to ask you something while we're trapped here."

His grin was cocky.

I was gratified by the way she blanched at his obvious intent.

"Will you ask me to the spring dance?" he asked, no thought of defeat in his head.

"I'm not going to be in town, Tyler," she told me, irritation still plain in her voice.

"Yeah, Mike said that."

"Then why-?" she started to ask.

He shrugged. "I was hoping you were just letting him down easy."

Her eyes flashed then cooled. "Sorry, Tyler," she said, not sounding sorry at all. "I really am going to be out of town."

He accepted that excuse, his self-assurance untouched. "That's cool. We still have prom."

He strutted back to his car.

I was right to have waited for this.

The horrified expression on her face was priceless. It told me what I should not need so desperately to know- that she had no feelings for any of these human males who wished to court her.

Also, her expression was possibly the funniest thing I'd ever seen.

My family arrived then, confused by the fact that I was, for a change, rocking with laughter rather than scowling murderously at everything in sight.

_What's so funny? _Emmett wanted to know.

I just shook my head while I also shook with fresh laughter as Bella revved her noisy engine angrily. She looked like she was wishing for a tank again.

"Let's go!" Rosalie hissed impatiently. "Stop being an idiot. If you _can_."

Her words didn't annoy me- I was too entertained. But I did as she asked.

No one spoke to me on the way home. I continued to chuckle every now and again, thinking of Bella's face.

As I turned on to the drive - speeding up now that there were no witnesses - Alice ruined my mood.

"So do I get to talk to Bella now?" she asked suddenly, without considering the words first thus giving me no warning.

"No," I snapped.

"Not fair! What am I waiting for?"

"I haven't decided anything, Alice."

"Whatever, Edward."

In her head, Bella's two destinies were clear again.

"What's the point in getting to know her?" I mumbled, suddenly morose. "If I'm just going to kill her?"

Alice hesitated for a second. "You have a point," she admitted.

I took the final hairpin turn at ninety miles an hour, and then screeched to a stop an inch from the back garage wall.

"Enjoy your run," Rosalie said smugly as I threw myself out of the car.

But I didn't go running today. Instead, I went hunting.

The others were scheduled to hunt tomorrow, but I couldn't afford to be thirsty now. I overdid it, drinking more than necessary, glutting myself again - a small grouping of elk and one black bear I was lucky to stumble across this early in the year. I was so full it was uncomfortable. Why couldn't that be enough? Why did her scent have to be so much stronger than anything else?

I had hunted in preparation for the next day, but when I could hunt no more and the sun was still hours and hours from rising, I knew that the next day was not soon enough.

The jittery high swept through me again when I realized that I was going to go find the girl.

I argued with myself all the way back to Forks, but my less noble side won the argument, and I went ahead with my indefensible plan. The monster was restless but well-fettered. I knew I would keep a safe distance from her. I only wanted to know where she was. I just wanted to see her face.

It was past midnight, and Bella's house was dark and quiet. Her truck was parked against the curb, her father's police cruiser in the driveway. There were no conscious thoughts anywhere in the neighborhood. I watched the house for a moment from the blackness of the forest that bordered it on the east. The front door would probably be locked- not a problem, except that I didn't want to leave a broken door as evidence behind me. I decided to try the upstairs window first. Not many people would bother installing a lock there.

I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second. Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand, I looked through the glass, and my breath stopped.

It was her room. I could see her in the one small bed, her covers on the floor and her sheets twisted around her legs. As I watched, she twitched restlessly and threw one arm over her head. She did not sleep soundly, at least not this night. Did she sense the danger near her?

I was repulsed by myself as I watched her toss again. How was I any better than some sick peeping tom? I _wasn't _any better. I was much, much worse.

I relaxed my fingertips, about to let myself drop. But first I allowed myself one long look at her face.

It was not peaceful. The little furrow was there between her eyebrows, the corners of her lips turned down. Her lips trembled and then parted.

"Okay, Mom," she muttered.

Bella talked in her sleep.

Curiosity flared, overpowering self-disgust. The lure of those unprotected, unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting.

I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse. I slid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame. I would have to find some oil for next time…

Next time? I shook my head, disgusted again.

I eased myself silently through the half-opened window.

Her room was small - disorganized but not unclean. There were books piled on the floor beside her bed, their spines facing away from me, and CDs scattered by her inexpensive CD player- the one on top was just a clear jewel case. Stacks of papers surrounded a computer that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated to obsolete technologies. Shoes dotted the wooden floor.

I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs, but I'd promised myself that I would keep my distance; instead, I went to sit in the old rocking chair in the far corner of the room.

Had I really once thought her average-looking? I thought of that first day, and my disgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued with her. But when I remembered her face in their minds now, I could not understand why I had not found her beautiful immediately. It seemed an obvious thing.

Right now - with her dark hair tangled and wild around her pale face, wearing a threadbare T-shirt full of holes with tatty sweatpants, her features relaxed in unconsciousness, her full lips slightly parted - she took my breath away. Or would have, I thought wryly, if I were breathing.

She did not speak. Perhaps her dream had ended.

I stared at her face a tried to think of some way to make the future bearable.

Hurting her was not bearable. Did that mean my only choice was to try to leave again?

The others could not argue with me now. My absence would not put anyone in danger. There would be no suspicion, nothing to link anyone's thoughts back to the accident.

I wavered as I had this afternoon, and nothing seemed possible.

I could not hope to rival the human boys, whether these specific boys appealed to her or not. I was a monster. How could she see me as anything else? If she knew the truth about me, it would frighten and repulse her. Like the intended victim in a horror movie, she would run away, shrieking in terror.

I remembered her first day in biology… and I knew that this was exactly the right reaction for her to have.

It was foolishness to imagine that if, had I been the one to ask her to the silly dance, she would have cancelled her hastily-made plans and agreed to go with me.

I was not the one she was destined to say yes to. It was someone else, someone human and warm. And I could not even let myself - someday, when that yes was said - hunt him down and kill him because she deserved him, whoever he was. She deserved happiness and love with whomever she chose.

I owed it to her to do the right thing now; I could no longer pretend that I was only _in danger_ of loving this girl.

After all, it really didn't matter if I left because Bella could never see me the way I wished she would. Never see me as someone worthy of love.

Never.

Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.

"Edward," Bella said.

I froze, staring at her unopened eyes.

Had she woken, caught me here? She _looked_ asleep, yet her voice had been so clear…

She sighed a quiet sigh and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her side - still fast asleep and dreaming.

"Edward," she mumbled softly.

She was dreaming of me.

Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.

"Stay," she sighed. "Don't go. Please…don't go."

She was dreaming of me, and it wasn't even a nightmare. She wanted me to stay with her, there in her dream.

I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them.

When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been.

My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always be midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my midnight?

At the time that I had become a vampire, trading my soul and my mortality for immortality in the searing pain of transformation, I had truly been frozen. My body had turned into something more like a rock than flesh, enduring and unchanging. My _self,_ also, had frozen as it was - my personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and my desires, all fixed in place.

It was the same for the rest of them. We were all frozen. Living stone.

When change came for one of us, it was a rare and permanent thing. I had seen it happen with Carlisle and then a decade later with Rosalie. Love had changed them in an eternal way, a way that never faded. More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle had found Esme, and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love. It would always be that way for them.

It would always be that way for me, too. I would always love this fragile human girl, for the rest of my limitless existence.

I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portion of my stone body.

She slept more peacefully now, a slight smile on her lips.

Always watching her, I began to plot.

I loved her, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her. I knew I wasn't that strong now. I would work on that one. But perhaps I was strong enough to circumvent the future in another way.

Alice had seen only two futures for Bella, and now I understood them both.

Loving her would not keep me from killing her if I let myself make mistakes.

Yet I could not feel the monster now, could not find him anywhere in me. Perhaps love had silenced him forever. If I killed her now, it would not be intentional, only a horrible accident.

I would have to be inordinately careful. I would never, ever be able to let my guard down. I would have to control my every breath. I would have to keep an always cautious distance.

I would not make mistakes.

I finally understood that second future. I'd been baffled by that vision - what could possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal half-life? Now - devastated by longing for the girl - I could understand how I might, in unforgivable selfishness, ask my father for that favor. Ask him to take away her life and her soul so that I could keep her forever.

She deserved better.

But I saw one more future, one thin wire that I might be able to walk, if I could keep my balance.

Could I do it? Be with her and leave her human?

Deliberately, I took a deep breath and then another, letting her scent rip through me like wildfire. The room was thick with her perfume; her fragrance was layered on every surface. My head swam, but I fought the spinning. I would have to get used to this if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her. I took another deep, burning breath.

I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting and breathing.

I got home just after the others had left for school. I changed quickly, avoiding Esme's questioning eyes. She saw the feverish light in my face, and she felt both worry and relief. My long melancholy had pained her, and she was glad it seemed to be over.

I ran to school, arriving a few seconds after my siblings did. They did not turn, though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that bordered the pavement. I waited until no one was looking and then I strolled casually from between the trees into the lot full of parked cars.

I heard Bella's truck rumbling around the corner, and I paused behind a Suburban where I could watch without being seen.

She drove into the lot, glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parked in one of the most distant spaces, a frown on her face.

It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me and with good reason.

I wanted to laugh at myself - or kick myself. All my plotting and planning was entirely moot if she didn't care for me, too, wasn't it? Her dream could have been about something completely random. I was such an arrogant fool.

Well, it was so much the better for her if she didn't care for me. That wouldn't stop me from pursuing her, but I would give her fair warning as I pursued. I owed her that.

I walked silently forward, wondering how best to approach her.

She made it easy. Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out and fell into a deep puddle.

She reached down, but I got to it first, retrieving it before she had to put her fingers in the cold water.

I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up.

"How do you_do _that?" she demanded.

Yes, she was still angry.

I offered her the key. "Do what?"

She held her hand out, and I dropped the key in her palm. I took a deep breath, pulling in her scent.

"Appear out of thin air," she clarified.

"Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant." The words were wry, almost a joke. Was there anything she didn't see?

Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress?

She glared at me, not appreciating my humor. Her heartbeat sped - from anger? Fear? After a moment, she looked down.

"Why the traffic jam yesterday?" she asked without meeting my eyes. "I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death."

Still very angry. It was going to take some effort to make things right with her. I remembered my resolve to be truthful with her…

"That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." And then I laughed. I couldn't help it, thinking of her expression yesterday.

"You-" she gasped and then broke off, appearing to be too furious to finish. There it was- that same expression. I choked back another laugh. She was mad enough already.

"And I'm not pretending you don't exist," I finished. It was right to keep this casual, teasing. She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt. I would frighten her. I had to keep my feelings in check, keep things light…

"So you _are _trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job?"

A quick flash of anger pulsed through me. Could she honestly believe that?

It was irrational for me to be so affronted; she didn't know of the transformation that had happened in the night. But I was angry all the same.

"Bella, you are utterly absurd," I snapped.

Her face flushed, and she turned her back on me. She began to walk away.

Remorse. I had no right to my anger.

"Wait," I pleaded.

She did not stop, so I followed after her.

"I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm not saying it isn't true" - it _was _absurd to imagine that I wanted her harmed in any way - "but it was rude to say it, anyway."

"Why won't you leave me alone?"

_Believe me, _I wanted to say. _I've tried._

_ Oh, and also, I'm wretchedly in love with you._

Keep it light.

"I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me." A course of action had just occurred to me, and I laughed.

"Do you have a multiple personality disorder?" she asked.

It must seem that way. My mood was erratic, so many new emotions coursing through me.

"You're doing it again," I pointed out.

She sighed. "Fine then. What do you want to ask?"

"I was wondering if, a week from Saturday…" I watched the shock cross her face and choked back another laugh. "You know, the day of the spring dance-"

She cut me off, finally returning her eyes to mine. "Are you trying to be _funny_?"

Yes. "Will you let me finish?"

She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip.

That sight distracted me for a second. Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten human core. I tried to shake them off so I could play my role.

"I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride?" I offered. I'd realized that, better than just questioning her about her plans, I might _share _them.

She stared at me blankly. "What?"

"Do you want a ride to Seattle?" Alone in a car with her - my throat burned at the thought. I took a deep breath. _Get used to it._

"With who?" she asked, her eyes wide and bewildered again.

"Myself, obviously," I said slowly.

"Why?"

Was it really such a shock that I would want her company? She must have applied the worst possible meaning to my past behavior.

"Well," I said as casually as possible, "I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and, to be honest, I'm not sure if your truck can make it." It seemed safer to tease her than to allow myself to be serious.

"My truck works just fine. Thank you very much for your concern," she said in the same surprised voice. She started walking again. I kept pace with her.

She hadn't really said no, so I pressed that advantage.

Would she say no? What would I do if she did?

"But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?"

"I don't see how that is any of your business," she grumbled.

That still wasn't a no. And her heart was beating faster again, her breath coming more quickly.

"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business." Keeping it light.

"Honestly, Edward, I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend."

A thrill shot through me when she spoke my name.

How to keep it light and yet be honest at the same time? Well, it was more important to be honest. Especially on this point.

"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."

"Oh, thanks, now that's _all _cleared up," she said sarcastically.

She paused, under the edge of the cafeteria's roof, and met my gaze again. Her heartbeats stuttered. Was she afraid?

I chose my words carefully. No, I could not leave her, but maybe she would be smart enough to leave me, before it was too late.

"It would be more…_prudent _for you not to be my friend." Staring into the melted chocolate depths of her eyes, I lost my hold on _light. _"But I'm tired of trying to stay away form you, Bella." The words burned with much too much fervor.

Her breathing stopped, and in the second it took for it to restart, that worried me. How much had I scared her? Well, I would find out.

"Will you go to Seattle with me?" I demanded, point blank.

She nodded, her heart drumming loudly. _Yes. _She'd said yes to _me._

And then my conscious smote me. What would this cost her?

"You really should stay away from me," I warned her. Did she hear me? Would she escape the future I was threatening her with? Couldn't I do anything to save her from _me_?

_Keep it light, _I shouted at myself. "I'll see you in class."

I had to concentrate to stop myself from running as I fled.

**6. Blood Type**

I followed her all day through other people's eyes, barely aware of my own surroundings.

Not Mike Newton's eyes. I couldn't stand any more of his offensive fantasies. Not Jessica Stanley's. Her resentment toward Bella made me angry in a way that was not safe for the petty girl. Angela Weber was a good choice when her eyes were available; she was kind - her head was an easy place to be. And then sometimes it was the teachers who provided the best view.

I was surprised, watching her stumble through the day - tripping over cracks in the sidewalk, stray books, and, most often, her own feet - that the people I eavesdropped on thought of Bella as _clumsy_.

I considered that. It was true that she often had trouble staying upright. I remembered her stumbling into the desk that first day, sliding around on the ice before the accident, falling over the low lip of the doorframe yesterday … How odd, they were right. She _was _clumsy.

I didn't know why this was so funny to me, but I laughed out loud as I walked from American History to English and several people shot me wary looks. How had I never noticed this before? Perhaps because there was something very graceful about her in stillness, the way she held her head, the arch of her neck…

There was nothing graceful about her now. Mr. Varner watched as she caught the toe of her boot on the carpet and literally fell into her chair.

I laughed again.

The time moved with incredible sluggishness while I waited for my chance to see her with my own eyes. Finally, the bell rang. I strode quickly to the cafeteria to secure my spot. I was one of the first there. I chose a table that was usually empty and was sure to remain that way with me seated here.

When my family entered and saw me sitting alone in a new place, they were not surprised. Alice must have warned them.

Rosalie stalked past me without a glance.

_Idiot._

Rosalie and I had never had an easy relationship - I'd offended her the very first time she'd heard me speak, and it was downhill from there - but it seemed like she was even more ill-tempered than usual the last few days. I sighed. Rosalie made everything about herself.

Jasper gave me a half smile as he walked by.

_Good luck, _he thought doubtfully.

Emmett rolled his eyes and shook his head.

_Lost his mind, poor kid._

Alice was beaming, her teeth shining too brightly.

_Now? Can I talk to Bella now?_

"Keep out of it," I said under my breath.

Her face fell and then brightened again.

_Fine. Be stubborn. It's only a matter of time._

I sighed again.

_Don't forget about today's biology lab, _she reminded me.

I nodded. No, I hadn't forgotten that.

While I waited for Bella to arrive, I followed her in the eyes of the freshman who was walking behind Jessica on his way to the cafeteria. Jessica was babbling about the upcoming dance, but Bella said nothing in response. Not that Jessica gave her much of a chance.

The moment Bella walked through the door, her eyes flashed to the table where my siblings sat. She stared for a moment, and then her forehead crumpled and her eyes dropped to the floor. She hadn't noticed me here.

She looked so … _sad_.I felt a powerful urge to get up and go to her side, to comfort her somehow, only I didn't know what she would find comforting. I had no idea what made her look that way. Jessica continued to jabber about the dance. Was Bella sad that she was going to miss it? That didn't seem likely…

But that could be remedied, if she wished.

She bought a drink for her lunch and nothing else. Was that right? Didn't she need more nutrition than that? I'd never paid much attention to a human's diet before.

Humans were quite exasperatingly fragile! There were a million different things to worry about…

"Edward Cullen is staring at you again," I heard Jessica say. "I wonder why he's sitting alone today?"

I was grateful to Jessica - though she was even more resentful now - because Bella's head snapped up, and her eyes searched until they met mine.

There was no trace of sadness in her face now. I let myself hope that she'd been sad because she'd thought I'd left school early, and that hope made me smile.

I motioned with my finger for her to join me. She looked so startled by this that I wanted to tease her again.

So I winked, and her mouth fell open.

"Does he mean _you_?" Jessica asked rudely.

"Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework," she said in a low, uncertain voice. "Um, I'd better go see what he wants."

This was another yes.

She stumbled twice on her way to my table, though there was nothing in her way but perfectly even linoleum. Seriously, how _had _I missed this before? I'd been paying more attention to her silent thoughts, I supposed… What else had I missed?

_Keep it honest, keep it light, honest, light, _I chanted to myself.

She stopped behind the chair across from me, hesitating. I inhaled deeply, through my nose this time rather than my mouth.

_Feel the burn, _I thought dryly.

"Why don't you sit with me today?" I asked her.

She pulled the chair out and sat, staring at me the whole while. She seemed nervous, but her physical acceptance was yet another yes.

I waited for her to speak.

It took a moment, but, finally, she said, "This is different."

"Well…" I hesitated. "I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly."

What had made me say that? I supposed it was honest, at least. And perhaps she'd hear the unsubtle warning my words implied. Maybe she would realize that she should get up and walk away as quickly as possible…

She didn't get up. She stared at me, waiting, as if I'd left my sentence unfinished.

"You know I don't have any idea what you mean," she said when I didn't continue.

That was a relief. I smiled.

"I know."

It was hard to ignore the thoughts screaming at me from behind her back - and I wanted to change the subject anyway.

"I think your friends are angry at me for stealing you."

This did not appear to concern her. "They'll survive."

"I may not give you back, though." I didn't even know if I was trying to be honest now, or just trying to tease her again. Being near her made it hard to make sense of my own thoughts.

Bella swallowed loudly.

I laughed at her expression. "You look worried." It really _shouldn't _be funny… She should worry.

"No." She was a bad liar; it didn't help that her voice broke. "Surprised, actually… What brought this on?"

"I told you," I reminded her. "I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up." I held my smile in place with a bit of effort. This wasn't working at all - trying to be honest and casual at the same time.

"Giving up?" she repeated, baffled.

"Yes- giving up trying to be good." And, apparently, giving up trying to be casual. "I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." That was honest enough. Let her see my selfishness. Let that warn her, too.

"You lost me again."

I was selfish enough to be glad that this was the case. "I always say too much when I'm talking to you - that's one of the problems."

A rather insignificant problem, compared to the rest.

"Don't worry," she reassured me. "I don't understand any of it."

Good. Then she'd stay. "I'm counting on that."

"So, in plain English, are we friends now?"

I pondered that for a second. "Friends…" I repeated. I didn't like the sound of that. It wasn't enough.

"Or not," she mumbled, looking embarrassed.

Did she think I didn't like her that much?  
I smiled. "Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you."

I waited for her response, torn in two- wishing she would finally hear and understand, thinking I might die if she did. How melodramatic. I was turning into such a human.

Her heart beat faster. "You say that a lot."

"Yes, because you're not listening to me," I said, too intense again. "I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."

Ah, but would I allow her to do that if she tried?

Her eyes tightened. "I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too."

I wasn't exactly sure what she meant, but I smiled in apology, guessing that I must have offended her accidentally.

"So," she said slowly. "As long as I'm being…not smart, we'll try to be friends?"

"That sounds about right."

She looked down, staring intently at the lemonade bottle in her hands.

The old curiosity tormented me.

"What are you thinking?" I asked - it was a relief to say the words out loud, at last.

She met my gaze, and her breathing sped while her cheeks flushed faint pink. I inhaled, tasting that in the air.

"I'm trying to figure out what you are."

I held the smile on my face, locking my features that way while panic twisted through my body.

Of course she was wondering that. She wasn't stupid. I couldn't hope for her to be oblivious to something so obvious.

"Are you having any luck with that?" I asked as lightly as I could manage.

"Not too much," she admitted.

I chuckled in sudden relief. "What are your theories?"

They couldn't be worse than the truth, no matter what she'd come up with.

Her cheeks turned brighter red, and she said nothing. I could feel the warmth of her blush in the air.

I tried using my persuasive tone on her. It worked well on normal humans.

"Won't you tell me?" I smiled encouragingly.

She shook her head. "Too embarrassing."

Ugh. Not knowing was worse than anything else. Why would her speculations embarrass her? I couldn't stand not knowing.

"That's _really _frustrating, you know."

My complaint sparked something in her. Her eyes flashed, and her words flowed more swiftly than usual.

"No, I can't _imagine _why that would be frustrating at all- just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?"

I frowned at her, upset to realize that she was right. I wasn't being fair.

She went on. "Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things- from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that either, even after he promised. That, also, would be _very_ non-frustrating."

It was the longest speech I'd ever heard her make, and it gave me a new quality for my list.

"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"

"I don't like double standards."

She was completely justified in her irritation, of course.

I stared at Bella, wondering how I could possibly do anything right by her - until the silent shouting in Mike Newton's head distracted me.  
He was so irate that it made me chuckle.

"What?" she demanded.

"Your boyfriend seems to think I'm being unpleasant to you - he's debating whether or not to come break up our fight." I would love to see him try. I laughed again.

"I don't know who you're talking about," she said in an icy voice. "But I'm sure you're wrong anyway."

I very much enjoyed the way she disowned him with her dismissive sentence.

"I'm not. I told you, most people are easy to read."

"Except me, of course."

"Yes. Except for you." Did she have to be the exception to everything? Wouldn't it have been more fair - considering everything else I had to deal with now - if I could have at least heard _something _from her head? Was that so much to ask? "I wonder why that is?"

I stared into her eyes, trying again…

She looked away. She opened her lemonade and took a quick drink, her eyes on the table.

"Aren't you hungry?" I asked.

"No." She eyed the empty table between us. "You?"

"No, I'm not hungry," I said. I was definitely not that.

She stared at the table her lips pursed. I waited.

"Could you do me a favor?" she asked, suddenly meeting my gaze again.

What would she want from me? Would she ask for the truth that I wasn't allowed to tell her- the truth I didn't want her to ever, ever know?

"That depends on what you want."

"It's not much," she promised.

I waited, curious again.

I waited, curious again.

"I just wondered…" she said slowly, staring at the lemonade bottle, tracing its lip with her littlest finger. "If you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to ignore me for my own good? Just so I'm prepared."

She wanted a warning? Then being ignored by me must be a bad thing… I smiled.

"That sounds fair," I agreed.

"Thanks," she said, looking up. Her face was so relieved that I wanted to laugh with my own relief.

"Then can I have one in return?" I asked hopefully.

"One," she allowed.

"Tell me _one_ theory."

She flushed. "Not that one."

"You didn't qualify, you just promised one answer," I argued.

"And you've broken promises yourself," she argued back.

She had me there.

"Just one theory. I won't laugh."

"Yes, you will." She seemed very sure of that though I couldn't imagine anything that would be funny about it.

I gave persuasion another try. I stared deep into her eyes - an easy thing to do, with eyes so deep - and whispered, "Please?"

She blinked, and her face went blank.

Well, that wasn't exactly the reaction I'd been going for.

"Er, what?" she asked. She looked dizzy. What was wrong with her?

But I wasn't giving up yet.

"Please, tell me just one little theory," I pleaded in my soft, non-scary voice, holding her eyes in mine.

To my surprise and satisfaction, it finally worked.

"Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?"

Comic books? No wonder she thought I would laugh.

"That's not very creative," I chided her, trying to hide my fresh relief.

"I'm sorry, that's all I've got," she said, offended.

This relieved me even more. I was able to tease her again.

"You're not even close."

"No spiders?"

"Nope."

"And no radioactivity?"

"None."

"Dang," she sighed.

"Kryptonite doesn't bother me either," I said quickly - before she could ask about _bites _-and then I had to laugh because she thought I was a superhero.

"You're not supposed to laugh, remember?"

I pressed my lips together.

"I'll figure it out eventually," she promised.

And when she did, she would run.

"I wish you wouldn't try," I said, all teasing gone.

"Because…?"

I owed her honesty. Still, I tried to smile, to make my words sound les threatening. "What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?"

Her eyes widened by a fraction and her lips fell slightly apart. "Oh," she said. And then, after another second, "I see."

She'd finally heard me.

"Do you?" I asked, working to conceal my agony.

"You're dangerous?" she guessed. Her breathing hiked, and her heart raced.

I couldn't answer her. Was this my last moment with her? Would she run now? Could I be allowed to tell her that I loved her before she left? Or would that frighten her more?

"But not bad," she whispered, shaking her head, no fear in her clear eyes. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."

"You're wrong," I breathed.

Of course I was bad. Wasn't I rejoicing, now that she thought better of me than I deserved? If I were a good person, I would have stayed away from her.

I stretched my hand across the table, reaching for the lid of her lemonade bottle as an excuse. She did not flinch away from my suddenly closer hand. She really was not afraid of me. Not yet.

I spun the lid like a top, watching it instead of her. My thoughts were in a snarl.

_Run, Bella, run. _I couldn't make myself say the words out loud.

She jumped to her feet. "We're going to be late," she said, just as I'd started to worry that she'd somehow heard my silent warning.

"I'm not going to class."

"Why not?"

_Because I don't want to kill you. _"It's healthy to ditch class now and then."

To be precise, it was healthier for the humans if the vampires ditched on days when human blood would be spilt. Mr. Banner was blood typing today. Alice had already ditched her morning class.

"Well, I'm going," she said. This didn't surprise me. She was responsible, always did the right thing.

She was my opposite.

"I'll see you later then," I said, trying for casual again, staring down at the whirling lid. _And, by the way, I adore you… in frightening, dangerous ways._

She hesitated, and I hoped for a moment that she would stay with me after all. But the bell rang, and she hurried away.

I waited until she was gone, and then I put the lid in my pocket - a souvenir of this most consequential conversation - and walked through the rain to my car.

I put on my favorite calming CD - the same one I'd listened to that first day - but I wasn't hearing Debussy's notes for long. Other notes were running through my head, a fragment of a tune that pleased and intrigued me. I turned down the stereo and listened to the music in my head, playing with the fragment until it evolved into a fuller harmony. Instinctively, my fingers moved in the air over imaginary piano keys.

The new composition was really coming along when my attention was caught by a wave of mental anguish.

I looked toward the distress.

_Is she going to pass out? What do I do? _Mike panicked.

A hundred yards away, Mike Newton was lowering Bella's limp body to the sidewalk. She slumped unresponsively against the wet concrete, her eyes closed, her skin chalky as a corpse.

I almost took the door off the car.

"Bella?" I shouted.

There was no change in her lifeless face when I yelled her name.

My whole body went colder than ice.

I was aware of Mike's aggravated surprise as I sifted furiously through his thoughts. He was only thinking of his anger toward me, so I didn't know what was wrong with Bella. If he'd done something to harm her, I would annihilate him.

"What's wrong- is she hurt?" I demanded, trying to focus his thoughts. It was maddening to have to walk at a human pace. I should not have called attention to my approach.

Then I could hear her heart beating and her even breath. As I watched, she squeezed her eyes more tightly shut. That eased some of my panic.

I saw a flicker of memories in Mike's head, a splash of images from the Biology room. Bella's head on our table, her fair skin turning green. Drops of red against the white cards…

Blood typing.

I stopped where I was, holding my breath. Her scent was one thing, her flowing blood was another altogether.

"I think she's fainted," Mike said, anxious and resentful at the same time. "I don't know what happened. She didn't even stick her finger."

Relief washed through me, and I breathed again, tasting the air. Ah, I could smell the tiny flow of Mike Newton's puncture wound. Once, that might have appealed to me.

I knelt beside her while Mike hovered next to me, furious at my intervention.

"Bella. Can you hear me?"

"No," she moaned. "Go away."

The relief was so exquisite that I laughed. She was fine.

"I was taking her to the nurse," Mike said. "But she wouldn't go any farther."

"I'll take her. You can go back to class," I said dismissively.

Mike's teeth clenched together. "No. I'm supposed to do it."

I wasn't going to stand around arguing with the wretch.

Thrilled and terrified, half-grateful to and half-aggrieved by the predicament which made touching her a necessity, I gently lifted Bella from the sidewalk and held her in my arms, touching only her clothes, keeping as much distance between our bodies as possible. I was striding forward in the same movement, in a hurry to have her safe - farther away from me, in other words.

Her eyes popped open, astonished.

"Put me down," she ordered in a weak voice- embarrassed again, I guessed from her expression. She didn't like to show weakness.

I barely heard Mike's shouted protest behind us.

"You look awful," I told her, grinning because there was nothing wrong with her but a light head and a weak stomach.

"Put me back on the sidewalk," she said. Her lips were white.

"So you faint at the sight of blood?" Could it get any more ironic?

She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together.

"And not even your own blood," I added, my grin widening.

We were to the front office. The door was propped an inch open, and I kicked it out of my way.

Ms. Cope jumped, startled. "Oh, my," she gasped as she examined the ashen girl in my arms.

"She fainted in Biology," I explained, before her imagination could get too out of hand.

Ms. Cope hurried to open the door to the nurse's office. Bella's eyes were open again, watching her. I heard the elderly nurse's internal astonishment as I laid the girl carefully on the one shabby bed. As soon as Bella was out of my arms, I put the width of the room between us. My body was too excited, too eager, my muscles tense and the venom flowing. She was so warm and fragrant.

"She's just a little faint," I reassured Mrs. Hammond. "They're blood typing in biology."

She nodded, understanding now. "There's always one."

I stifled a laugh. Trust Bella to be that one.

"Just lie down for a minute, honey," Mrs. Hammond said. "It'll pass."

"I know," Bella said.

"Does this happen often?" the nurse asked.

"Sometimes," Bella admitted.

I tried to disguise my laughter as coughing.

This brought me to the nurse's attention. "You can go back to class now," she said.

I looked her straight in the eye and lied with perfect confidence. "I'm supposed to stay with her."

_Hmm. I wonder… oh well. _Mrs. Hammond nodded.

It worked just fine on her. Why did Bella have to be so difficult?

"I'll go get you some ice for your forehead, dear," the nurse said, slightly uncomfortable from looking into my eyes - the way a human _should _be - and left the room.

"You were right," Bella moaned, closing her eyes.

What did she mean? I jumped to the worst conclusion: she'd accepted my warnings.

"I usually am," I said, trying to keep the amusement in my voice; it sounded sour now. "But about what in particular this time?"

"Ditching is healthy," she sighed.

Ah, relief again.

She was silent then. She just breathed slowly in and out. Her lips were beginning to turn pink. Her mouth was slightly out of balance, her lower lip just a little too full to match the top. Staring at her mouth made me feel strange. Made me want to move closer to her, which was not a good idea.

"You scared me for a minute there," I said to restart the conversation so that I could hear her voice again. "I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods."

"Ha ha," she said.

"Honestly. I've seen corpses with better color." This was actually true. "I was concerned that I might have to avenge your murder." And I would have.

"Poor Mike," she sighed. "I'll bet he's mad."

Fury pulsed through me, but I contained it quickly. Her concern was surely just pity. She was kind. That was all.

"He absolutely loathes me," I told her, cheered by that idea.

"You can't know that."

"I saw his face- I could tell." It was probably true that reading his face would have given me enough information to make that particular deduction. All this practice with Bella was sharpening my skill at reading human expressions.

"How did you see me? I thought you were ditching." Her face looked better. The green undertone had vanished from her translucent skin.

"I was in my car, listening to a CD."

Her expression twitched, like my very ordinary answer had surprised her somehow.

She opened her eyes again when Mrs. Hammond returned with an ice pack.

"Here you go, dear," the nurse said as she laid it across Bella's forehead. "You're looking better."

"I think I'm fine," Bella said, and she sat up while pulling the ice pack away. Of course. She didn't like to be taken care of.

Mrs. Hammond's wrinkled hands fluttered toward the girl as if she were going to push her back down, but just then Ms. Cope opened the door to the office and leaned in. With her appearance came the smell of fresh blood, just a whiff.

Invisible in the office behind her, Mike Newton was still very angry, wishing the heavy boy he dragged now was the girl who was in here with me.

"We've got another one," Ms. Cope said.

Bella quickly jumped down from the cot, eager to be out of the spotlight.

"Here," she said, handing the compress back to Mrs. Hammond. "I don't need this."

Mike grunted as he half-shoved Lee Stevens through the door. Blood was still dripping down the hand Lee held to his face, trickling toward his wrist.

"Oh no." This was my cue to leave - and Bella's, too, it seemed. "Get out to the office, Bella."

She stared up at me with bewildered eyes.

"Trust me- go."

She whirled and caught the door before it had swung shut, rushing through to the office. I followed a few inches behind her. Her swinging hair brushed my hand…

She turned to look at me, still wide-eyed.

"You actually listened to me." That was a first.

Her small nose wrinkled. "I smelled the blood."

I stared at her in blank surprise. "People can't smell blood."

"Well, I can - that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust… and salt."

My face froze, still staring.

Was she really even human? She _looked_ human. She felt soft as a human. She smelled human - well, better actually. She acted human… sort of. But she didn't think like a human, or respond like one.

What other option was there, though?

"What?" she demanded.

"It's nothing."

Mike Newton interrupted us then, entering the room with resentful, violent thoughts.

"_You _look better," he said to her rudely.

My hand twitched, wanting to teach him some manners. I would have to watch myself, or I would end up actually killing this obnoxious boy.

"Just keep your hand in your pocket," she said. For one wild second, I thought she was talking to me.

"It's not bleeding anymore," he answered sullenly. "Are you going back to class?"

"Are you kidding? I'd just have to turn around and come back."

That was very good. I thought I was going to have to miss this whole hour with her, and now I got extra time instead. I felt greedy, a miser hording over each minute.

"Yeah, I guess…" Mike mumbled. "So are you going this weekend? To the beach?"

Ah, they had plans. Anger froze me in place. It was a group trip, though. I'd seen some of this in other student's heads. It wasn't just the two of them. I was still furious. I leaned motionlessly against the counter, trying to control myself.

"Sure, I said I was in," she promised him.

So she'd said yes to him, too. The jealousy burned, more painful than thirst.

No, it was just a group outing, I tried to convince myself. She was just spending the day with friends. Nothing more.

"We're meeting at my dad's store, at ten." _And Cullen's NOT invited._

"I'll be there," she said.

"I'll see you in Gym, then."

"See you," she replied.

He shuffled off to his class, his thoughts full of ire. _What does she see in that freak? Sure, he's rich, I guess. Chicks think he's hot, but I don't see that. Too- Too perfect. I bet his dad experiments with plastic surgery on all of them. That's why they're all so white and pretty. It's not natural. And he's sort of…scary-looking. Sometimes, when he stares at me, I'd swear he's thinking about killing me… Freak._

Mike wasn't entirely unperceptive.

"Gym," Bella repeated quietly. A groan.

I looked at her and saw that she was sad about something again. I wasn't sure why, but it was clear that she didn't want to go to her next class with Mike, and I was all for that plan.

I went to her side and bent close to her face, feeling the warmth of her skin radiating out to my lips. I didn't dare breathe.

"I can take are of that," I murmured. "Go sit down and look pale."

She did as I asked, sitting in one of the folding chairs and leaning her head back against the wall while, behind me, Ms. Cope came out of the back room and went to her desk. With her eyes closed, Bella looked as if she'd passed out again. Her full color hadn't returned yet.

I turned to the secretary. Hopefully Bella was paying attention to this, I thought sardonically. This was how a human was _supposed _to respond.

"Ms. Cope?" I asked, using my persuasive voice again.

Her eyelashes fluttered, and her heart sped up. _Too young, get a hold of yourself! _"Yes?"

That was interesting. When Shelly Cope's pulse quickened, it was because she found me physically attractive, not because she was frightened. I was used to that around human females… yet I hadn't considered that explanation for Bella's racing heart.

I rather liked that. Too much, in fact. I smiled, and Mrs. Cope's breathing got louder.

"Bella has gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?" I stared into her depthless eyes, enjoying the havoc that this wreaked on her thought processes. Was it possible that Bella…?

Mrs. Cope had to swallow loudly before she answered. "Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?"

"No, I have Mrs. Goff. She won't mind."

I wasn't paying much attention to her now. I was exploring this new possibility.

Hmm. I'd like to believe that Bella found me attractive like other humans did, but when did Bella ever have the same reactions as other humans? I shouldn't get my hopes up.

"Okay, it's all taken care of. You feel better, Bella."

Bella nodded weakly- overacting a bit.

"Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again?" I asked, amused by her poor theatrics. I knew she would want to walk; she wouldn't want to be weak.

"I'll walk," she said.

Right again. I was getting better at this.

She got up, hesitating for a moment as if to check her balance. I held the door for her, and we walked out into the rain.

I watched her as she lifted her face to the light rain with her eyes closed, a slight smile on her lips. _What was she thinking? _Something about this action seemed off, and I quickly realized why the posture looked unfamiliar to me. Normal human girls wouldn't raise their faces to the drizzle that way; normal human girls usually wore makeup, even here in this wet place.

Bella never wore makeup, nor should she. The cosmetics industry made billions of dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers.

"Thanks," she said, smiling at me now. "It's worth getting sick to miss gym."

I stared across the campus, wondering how to prolong my time with her. "Anytime," I said.

"So are you going? This Saturday, I mean?" She sounded hopeful.

Ah, her hope was soothing. She wanted me with her, not Mike Newton. And I wanted to say yes. But there were many things to consider. For one, the sun would be shining this Saturday…

"Where are you all going, exactly?" I tried to keep my voice nonchalant, as if it didn't matter much. Mike had said _beach, _though. Not much chance of avoiding sunlight there.

"Down to La Push, to First Beach."

_Damn. _Well, it was impossible, then.

Anyway, Emmett would be irritated if I cancelled our plans.

I glanced down at her, smiling wryly. "I really don't think I was invited."

She sighed, already resigned. "I just invited you."

"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." I thought about snapping _poor Mike _myself, and enjoyed the mental picture intensely.

"Mike-schmike," she said, dismissive again. I smiled widely.

And then she started to walk away from me.

Without thinking about my action, I reached out and caught her by the back of her rain jacket. She jerked to a stop.

"Where do you think you're going?" I was almost angry that she was leaving me. I hadn't had enough time with her. She couldn't go, not yet.

"I'm going home," she said, baffled as to why this should upset me.

"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?" I knew she wouldn't like _that_- my implication of weakness on her part. But I needed to practice for the Seattle trip, anyway. See if I could handle her proximity in an enclosed space. This was a much shorter journey.

"What condition?" she demanded. "And what about my truck?"

"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." I pulled her back to my car carefully as I now knew that walking _forward _was challenging enough for her.

"Let go!" she said, twisting sideways and nearly tripping. I held one hand out to catch her, but she righted herself before it was necessary. I shouldn't be looking for excuses to touch her. That started me thinking about Ms. Cope's reaction to me, but I filed it away for later. There was much to be considered on that front.

I let her go beside the car, and she stumbled into the door. I would have to be even more careful, to take into account her poor balance…

"You are so _pushy_!"

"It's open."

I got in on my side and started the car. She held her body rigidly, still outside, though the rain had picked up and I knew she didn't like the cold and wet. Water was soaking through her thick hair, darkening it to near black.

"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!"

Of course she was. I just wasn't capable of letting her go.

I rolled her window down and leaned toward her. "Get in, Bella."

Her eyes narrowed, and I guessed that she was debating whether or not to make a run for it.

"I'll just drag you back," I promised, enjoying the chagrin on her face when she realized I meant it.

Her chin stiffly in the air, she opened her door and climbed in. Her hair dripped on the leather, and her boots squeaked against each other.

"This is completely unnecessary," she said coldly. I thought she looked embarrassed under the pique.

I just turned up the heater so she wouldn't be uncomfortable and set the music to a nice background level. I drove out toward the exit, watching her from the corner of my eye. Her lower lip was jutting out stubbornly. I stared at this, examining how it made me feel… thinking of the secretary's reaction again…

Suddenly she looked at the stereo and smiled, her eyes widening. "Clair de Lune?" she asked.

A fan of the classics? "You know Debussy?"

"Not well," she said. "My mother plays a lot of classical music around the house. I only know my favorites."

"It's one of my favorites, too." I stared at the rain, considering that. I actually had something in common with the girl. I'd begun to think that we were opposites in every way.

She seemed more relaxed now, staring at the rain like me, with unseeing eyes. I used her momentary distraction to experiment with breathing.

I inhaled carefully through my nose.

Potent.

I clutched the steering wheel tighter. The rain made her smell better. I wouldn't have thought that was possible. Stupidly, I was suddenly imaging how she would taste.

I tried to swallow against the burn in my throat, to think of something else.

"What is your mother like?" I asked as a distraction.

Bella smiled. "She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier."

I doubted that.

"I have too much Charlie in me," she went on. "She's more outgoing than I am, and braver."

I doubted that, too.

"She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook. She's my best friend." Her voice had turned melancholy; her forehead creased.

Again, she sounded more like parent than child.

I stopped in front of her house, wondering too late if I was supposed to know where she lived. No, this wouldn't be suspicious in such a small town, with her father a public figure…

"How old are you, Bella?" She must be older than her peers. Perhaps she'd been late to start school or been held back. That wasn't likely, though.

"I'm seventeen," she answered.

"You don't seem seventeen."

She laughed.

"What?"

"My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year." She laughed again and then sighed. "Well, someone has to be the adult."

This clarified things for me. I could see it now… how the irresponsible mother helped explain Bella's maturity. She'd had to grow up early - to become the caretaker. That's why she didn't like being cared for; she felt it was her job.

"You don't seem much like a junior in high school yourself," she said, pulling me from my reverie.

I grimaced. For everything I perceived about her, she perceived too much in return. I changed the subject.

"So why did your mother marry Phil?"

She hesitated a minute before answering. "My mother…she's very young for her age. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she's crazy about him." She shook her head indulgently.

"Do you approve?" I wondered.  
"Does it matter?" she asked. "I want her to be happy…and he is who she wants."

The unselfishness of her comment would have shocked me, except that it fit in all too well with what I'd learned of her character.

"That's very generous. I wonder…"

"What?"

"Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who your choice was?"

It was a foolish question, and I could not keep my voice casual while I asked it. How stupid to even consider someone approving of _me _for their daughter. How stupid to even think of Bella choosing me.

"I- I think so," she stuttered, reacting in some way to my gaze. Fear… or attraction?

"But she's the parent, after all. It's a little bit different," she finished.

I smiled wryly. "No one too scary then."

She grinned at me. "What do you mean by scary? Multiple facial piercing and extensive tattoos?"

"That's one definition, I suppose." A very non-threatening definition to my mind.

"What's your definition?"

She always asked the wrong questions. Or exactly the right questions, maybe. The ones I didn't want to answer, at any rate.

"Do you think that _I _could be scary?" I asked her, trying to smile a little.

She thought it through before answering me in a serious voice. "Hmm… I think you _could _be, if you wanted to."

I was serious, too. "Are you frightened of me now?"

She answered at once, not thinking this one through. "No."

I smiled more easily. I did not think she was entirely telling the truth, but nor was she truly lying. She wasn't frightened enough to want to leave, at least. I wondered how she would feel if I told her she was having this discussion with a vampire. I cringed internally at her imagined reaction.

"So, now are you going to tell me about your family? It's got to be a much more interesting story than mine."

A more frightening one, at least.

"What do you want to know?" I asked cautiously.

"The Cullens adopted you?"

"Yes."

She hesitated then spoke in a small voice. "What happened to your parents?"

This wasn't so hard; I wasn't even having to lie to her. "They died a very long time ago."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, clearly worried about having hurt me.

_She _was worried about _me._

"I don't really remember them that clearly," I assured her. "Carlisle and Esme have been my parents for a long time now."

"And you love them," she deduced.

I smiled. "Yes. I couldn't imagine two better people."

"You're very lucky."

"I know I am." In that one circumstance, the matter of parents, my luck could not be denied.

"And your brother and sisters?"

If I let her push for too many details, I would have to lie. I glanced at the clock, disheartened that my time with her was up.

"My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me."

"Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go."

She didn't move. She didn't want our time to be up, either. I liked that very, very much.

"And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you don't have to tell him about the Biology incident." I grinned at the memory of her embarrassment in my arms.

"I'm sure he's already heard. There are no secrets in Forks." She said the name of the town with distinct distaste.

I laughed at her words. No secrets, indeed. "Have fun at the beach." I glanced at the pouring rain, knowing it would not last, and wishing more strongly than usual that it could. "Good weather for sunbathing." Well, it would be by Saturday. She would enjoy that.

"Won't I see you tomorrow?"

The worry in her tone pleased me.

"No. Emmett and I are starting the weekend early." I was mad at myself now for having made the plans. I could break them… but there was no such thing as too much hunting at this point, and my family was going to be concerned enough about my behavior without me revealing how obsessive I was turning.

"What are you going to do?" she asked, not sounding happy with my revelation.

Good.

"We're going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier." Emmett was eager for bear season.

"Oh, well, have fun," she said halfheartedly. Her lack of enthusiasm pleased me again.

As I stared at her, I began to feel almost agonized at the thought of saying even a temporary goodbye. She was just so soft and vulnerable. It seemed foolhardy to let her out of my sight where anything could happen to her. And yet, the worst things that could happen to her would result from being with me.

"Will you do something for me this weekend?" I asked seriously.

She nodded, her eyes wide and bewildered by my intensity.

_Keep it light._

"Don't be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So… try not to fall into the ocean, or get run over or anything, all right?"

I smiled ruefully at her, hoping she couldn't see the sadness in my eyes. How much I wished that she wasn't so much better off away from me, no matter what might happen to her there.

_Run, Bella, run. I love you too much, for your good or mine._

She was offended by my teasing. She glared at me. "I'll see what I can do," she snapped, jumping out into the rain and slamming the door as hard as she could behind her.

Just like an angry kitten that believes it's a tiger.

I curled my hand around the key I'd just picked from her jacket pocket and smiled as I drove away.

**7. Melody**

I had to wait when I got back to school. The final hour wasn't out yet. That was good, because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time.

Her scent lingered in the car. I kept the windows up, letting it assault me, trying to get used to the feel of intentionally torching my throat.

Attraction.

It was a problematic thing to contemplate. So many sides to it, so many different meanings and levels. Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably.

I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me.

Would her mental silence somehow continue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad? Or was there a limit that I would eventually reach?

I tried to compare her physical responses to others, like the secretary and Jessica Stanley, but the comparison was inconclusive. The same markers - changes in heart rate and breathing patterns - could just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they did interest. It seemed unlikely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughts that Jessica Stanley used to have. After all, Bella knew very well that there was something wrong with me, even if she didn't know what exactly it was. She had touched my icy skin and then yanked her hand away from the chill.

And yet… as I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me but remembered them with Bella in Jessica's place…

I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat.

What if it had been _Bella _imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragile body? Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her chin? Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face? Tracing the shape of her full lips with my fingertips? Leaning my face closer to hers where I could feel the heat of her breath on my mouth? Moving closer still…

But then I flinched away from the daydream, knowing, as I had known when Jessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to her.

Attraction was an impossible dilemma because I was already too attracted to Bella in the worst way.

Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man?

That was the wrong question. The right question was _should _I want Bella to be attracted to me that way, and the answer was no. Because I was not a human man, and that wasn't fair to her.

With every fiber of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so I could hold her in my arms without risking her life. So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies, fantasies that didn't end with her blood on my hands, her blood glowing in my eyes.

My pursuit of her was indefensible. What kind of relationship could I offer her when I couldn't risk touching her?

I hung my head in my hands.

It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my whole life - not even when I _was _human, as far as I could recall. When I had been human, my thoughts had all been turned to a soldier's glory. The Great War had raged through most of my adolescence, and I'd been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday when the influenza had struck… I had just vague impressions of those human years, murky memories that faded more with every passing decade. I remembered my mother most clearly and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face. I recalled dimly how much she had hated the future I'd raced eagerly toward, praying every night when she said grace at dinner that the "horrid war" would end… I had no memories of another kind of yearning. Besides my mother's love, there was no other love that had made me wish to stay…

This was entirely new to me. I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make.

The love I felt for Bella had come purely, but now the waters were muddied. I wanted very much to be able to touch her. Did she feel the same way?

_That doesn't matter,_ I tried to convince myself.

I stared at my white hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman strength…

I jumped when the passenger door opened.

_Ha. Caught you by surprise. There's a first, _Emmett thought as he slid into the seat. "I'll bet Mrs. Goff thinks you're on drugs, you've been so erratic lately. Where were you today?"

"I was… doing good deeds."

_Huh?_

I chuckled. "Caring for the sick, that kind of thing."

That confused him more, but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car.

"Oh. The girl again?"

I grimaced.

_This is getting weird._

"Tell me about it," I mumbled.

He inhaled again. "Hmm, she does have quite a flavor, doesn't she?"

The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way, an automatic response.

"Easy, kid, I'm just sayin'."

The others arrived then. Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered at me, still not over her irritation. I wondered what her problem was, but all I could hear from her were insults.

I didn't like Jasper's reaction, either. Like Emmett, he noticed Bella's appeal. Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me. It still upset me that her blood was sweet to them. Jasper had poor control…

Alice skipped to my side of the car and held out for Bella's truck key.

"I only saw that I was," she said, obscurely, as was her habit. "You'll have to tell me the whys."

"This doesn't mean-"

"I know, I know. I'll wait. It won't be long."

I sighed and gave her the key.

I followed her to Bella's house. The rain was pounding down like a million tiny hammers, so loud that maybe Bella's human ears couldn't hear the thunder of the truck's engine. I watched her window, but she didn't come to look out. Maybe she wasn't there. There were no thoughts to hear.

It made me sad that I couldn't hear enough even to check on her - to make sure she was happy, or safe, at the least.

Alice climbed in the back, and we sped home. The roads were empty, and so it only took a few minutes. We trooped into the house and then went to our various pastimes.

Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizing eight joined boards - spread out along the glass back wall - and their own complicated set of rules. They wouldn't let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore.

Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them, and I could hear her monitors sing to life. Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalie's wardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and color as Alice's hand traced over the touch sensitive screens. (Carlisle and I had had to tweak the system a bit, given that most such screens responded to temperature). Instead, today Rosalie sprawled sullenly on the sofa and started flipping through twenty channels a second on the flat screen, never pausing. I could hear her trying to decide whether or not to go out to the garage and tune her BMW again.

Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of blueprints.

Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthing Emmett's next moves - Emmett sat on the floor with his back to her - to Jasper, who kept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmett's favorite knight.

And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisite grand piano stationed just off the entryway.

I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch. The tuning was still perfect.

Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side.

I began to first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today, pleased that it sounded even better than I'd imagined.

_Edward is playing again, _Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking across her face. She got up from her desk and flitted silently to the head of the stairs.

I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.

Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her head against he banister. _A new song. It's been so long. What a lovely tune._

I let the melody lead in a new direction, following it with the bass line.

_Edward is composing again? _Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched together in fierce resentment.

In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage. I saw why she was in such a poor temper with me. Why killing Isabella Swan had not bothered her conscience at all.

With Rosalie, it was always about vanity.

The music came to an abrupt halt, and I laughed before I could help myself, a sharp bark of amusement that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth.

Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with chagrined fury.

Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I heard Esme's confusion. Esme was downstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me.

"Don't stop, Edward," Esme encouraged after a strained moment.

I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard to control the grin stretching across my face. She got to her feet and stalked out of the room, more angry than embarrassed. But certainly quite embarrassed.

_If you say anything, I will hunt you like a dog._

I smothered another laugh.

"What's wrong, Rose?" Emmett called after her. Rosalie didn't turn. She continued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if she could bury herself there.

"What's that about?" Emmett asked me.

"I don't have the faintest idea," I lied.

Emmett grumbled, frustrated.

"Keep playing," Esme urged. My hands had paused again.

I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders.

The song was compelling but incomplete. I toyed with a bridge, but it didn't seem right somehow.

"It's charming. Does it have a name?" Esme asked.

"Not yet."

"Is there a story to it?" she asked, a smile in her voice. This gave her very great pleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long. It had been selfish.

"It's …a lullaby, I suppose." I got the bridge right, then. It led easily to the next movement, taking on a life of its own.

"A lullaby," she repeated to herself.

There _was _a story to the melody, and once I saw that, the pieces fell into place effortlessly. The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and twisted like seaweed across the pillow…

Alice left Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench. In her trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless descant two octaves above the melody.

"I like it," I murmured, "but how about this?"

I added her line to the harmony - my hands were flying across the keys now to work all the pieces together - modifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction…

She caught the mood and sung along.

"Yes. Perfect," I said.

Esme squeezed my shoulder.

But I could see the end now, with Alice's voice rising above the tune and taking it to another place. I could see how the song must end because the sleeping girl was perfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness. The song drifted toward that realization, slower and lower now. Alice's voice lowered, too, and became solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral.

I played the last note and then bowed my head over the keys.

Esme stroked my hair. _It's going to be fine, Edward. This is going to work out for the best. You _deserve _happiness, my son. Fate owes you that._

"Thanks," I whispered, wishing I could believe it.

_Love doesn't always come in convenient packages._

I laughed once without humor.

_You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and the brightest of us all._

I sighed. Every mother thought the same of her son.

Esme was still full of joy that my heart had finally been touched after all this time, no matter the potential for tragedy. She'd thought I would always be alone…

_She'll have to love you back, _she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise with the direction of her thoughts. _If she's a bright girl. _She smiled. _But I can't imagine anyone being so slow they wouldn't see the catch you are._

"Stop it, Mom, you're making me blush," I teased. Her words, though improbable, did cheer me.

Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of "Heart and Soul." I grinned and completed the simple harmony with her. Then I favored her with a performance of "Chopsticks."

She giggled then sighed. "So I wish you'd tell me what you were laughing at Rose about," Alice said. "But I can see that you won't."

"Nope."

She flicked my ear with her finger.

"Be nice, Alice," Esme chided. "Edward is being a gentleman."

"But I want to _know._"

I laughed at the whining tone she put on. Then I said, "Here, Esme," and began playing her favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love I'd watched between her and Carlisle for so many years.

"Thank you, dear." She squeezed my shoulder again.

I didn't have to concentrate to play the familiar piece. Instead I thought of Rosalie, still figuratively writhing in mortification in the garage, and I grinned to myself.

Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amount of pity for her. It was a wretched way to feel. Of course, her jealously was a thousand times more petty than mine. Quite the fox in the manger scenario.

I wondered how Rosalie's life and personality would have been different if she had not always been the most beautiful. Would she have been a happier person if beauty hadn't at all times been her strongest selling point? Less egocentric? More compassionate? Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder because the past was done, and she always _had _been the most beautiful. Even when human, she had ever lived in the spotlight of her own loveliness. Not that she'd minded. The opposite - she'd loved admiration above almost anything else. That hadn't changed with the loss of her mortality.

It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that she'd been offended when I had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males to worship. Not that she'd wanted _me _in any way - far from it. But it had aggravated her that I did not want her, despite that. She was used to being wanted.

It was different with Jasper and Carlisle; they were already both in love. I was completely unattached and yet still remained obstinately unmoved.

I'd thought that old resentment was buried. That she was long passed it.

And she had been… until the day that I finally found someone whose beauty touched me the way hers had not.

Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find _her _beauty worth worshiping, then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me. She'd been furious since the moment I'd saved Bella's life, guessing, with her shrewd female intuition, the interest that I was all but unconscious of myself.

Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl more appealing than her.

I suppressed the urge to laugh again.

It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella. Rosalie actually thought the girl was _plain. _How could she believe that? It seemed incomprehensible to me. A product of the jealousy, no doubt.

"Oh!" Alice said abruptly. "Jasper, guess what?"

I saw what she'd just seen, and my hands froze on the keys.

"What, Alice?" Jasper asked.

"Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week! They're going to be in the neighborhood, isn't that nice?"

"What's wrong, Edward?" Esme asked, feeling the tension in my shoulders.

"Peter and Charlotte are coming to _Forks?_" I hissed at Alice.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Calm down, Edward. It's not their first visit."

My teeth clenched together. It _was _their first visit since Bella had arrived, and her sweet blood didn't appeal just to me.

Alice frowned at my expression. "They never hunt here. You know that."

But Jasper's brother of sorts and the little vampire he loved were not like us; they hunted the usual way. They could not be trusted around Bella.

"When?" I demanded.

She pursed her lips unhappily but told me what I needed to know. _Monday morning. No one is going to hurt Bella._

"No," I agreed, and then turned away from her. "You ready, Emmett?"

"I thought we were leaving in the morning?"

"We're coming back by midnight Sunday. I guess it's up to you when you want to leave."

"Okay, fine. Let me say goodbye to Rose first."

"Sure." With the mood Rosalie was in, it would be a short goodbye.

_You really have lost it, Edward, _he thought as he headed toward the back door.

"I suppose I have."

"Play the new song for me, one more time," Esme asked.

"If you'd like that," I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to its unavoidable end - the end that had set me aching in unfamiliar ways. I thought for a moment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty music stand. That helped a bit - my little memento of her _yes._

I nodded to myself and started playing.

Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food?" I called to Emmett.

"Oh, hey Edward!" he shouted back, grinning and waving at me. The bear took advantage of his distraction to rake its heavy paw across Emmett's chest. The sharp claws shredded through his shirt and squealed across his skin.

The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise.

_Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt!_

Emmett roared back at the enraged animal.

I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder. This might take awhile.

But Emmett was almost done. He let the bear try to take his head off with another swipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back. The bear roared, and Emmett roared again through his laughter. Then he launched himself at the animal who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodies fell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. The bear's growls cut off with a gurgle.

A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him. His shirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. His dark curly hair wasn't in much better shape. He had a huge grin on his face.

"That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me."

"You're such a child, Emmett."

He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down. "Weren't you able to track down that mountain lion, then?"

"Of course I was. I just don't eat like a savage."

Emmett laughed his booming laugh. "I wish they were stronger. It would be more fun."

"No one said you had to fight your food."

"Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with? You and Alice cheat, Rose never wants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I _really _go at it."

"Life is hard all around, isn't it?"

Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised to take a charge.

"C'mon Edward. Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair."

"It doesn't turn off," I reminded him.

"Wonder what that human girl does to keep you out?" Emmett mused. "Maybe she could give me some pointers."

My good humor vanished. "Stay away from her," I growled through my teeth.

"Touchy, touchy."

I sighed. Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock.

"Sorry. I know you're going through a tough spot. I really am trying to not be _too _much of an insensitive jerk, but, since that's sort of my natural state…"

He waited for me to laugh at his joke and then made a face.

_So serious all the time. What's bugging you now?_

"Thinking about her. Well, worrying, really."

"What's there to worry about? _You _are _here._" He laughed loudly.

I ignored his joke again but answered his question. "Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to a mortal?"

"Not really. I guess I see what you mean, though. I wasn't much match for a bear that first time around, was I?"

"Bears," I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile. "That would be just her luck, wouldn't it? Stray bear in town. Of course it would head straight for Bella."

Emmett chuckled. "You sound like a crazy person, do you know that?"

"Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett. And she could run into a bear…or get hit by a car…or _lightning_…or fall down stairs…or get sick- get a _disease_!" The words burst from me stormily. It was a relief to let them out. They'd been festering inside me all weekend. "Fires and earthquakes and tornados! Ugh! When's the last time you watched the news? Have you _seen _the kinds of things that happen to them? Burglaries and homicides…" My teeth clenched together, and I was abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another _human _hurting her that I couldn't breathe.

"Whoa, whoa! Hold up, there, kid. She lives in Forks, remember? So she gets rained on." He shrugged.

"I think she has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do. Look at the evidence. Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where _vampires _make up a significant portion of the population."

"Yeah, but we're vegetarians. So isn't that good luck, not bad?"

"With the way she smells? Definitely bad. And then, more bad luck, the way she smells to _me_." I glowered at my hands, hating them again.

"Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle. Good luck again."

"The van?"

"That was just an accident."

"You should have seen it coming for her, Em, again and again. I swear it was like she had some kind of magnetic pull."

"But you were there. That was good luck."

"Was it? Isn't this the worst luck any human could ever possibly have - to have a _vampire _fall in _love _with them?"

Emmett considered that quietly for a moment. He pictured the girl in his head and found the image uninteresting. _Honestly, I can't really see the draw._

"Well, I can't really see Rosalie's allure, either," I said rudely. "_Honestly,_ she seems like more work than any pretty face is worth."

Emmett chuckled. "I don't suppose you'd tell me…"

"I don't know what her problem is, Emmett," I lied with a sudden, wide grin.

I saw his intent in time to brace myself. He tried to shove me off the rock, and there was a loud cracking sound as a fissure opened in the stone between us.

"Cheater," he muttered.

I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction. He was picturing Bella's face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes bright red…

"No," I said, my voice strangled.

"It solves your worries about mortality, doesn't it? And then you wouldn't want to kill her, either. Isn't that the best way?"

"For me? Or for her?"  
"For you," he answered easily. His tone added the _of course._

I laughed humorlessly. "Wrong answer."

"I didn't mind so much," he reminded me.  
"Rosalie did."

He sighed. We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up everything, if it meant she could be human again. Even Emmett.

"Yeah, Rose did," he acquiesced quietly.

"I can't… I shouldn't… I'm _not _going to ruin Bella's life. Wouldn't you feel the same if it were Rosalie?"

Emmett thought about that for a moment. _You really… love her?_

"I can't even describe it, Emmett. All of a sudden, this girl's the whole world to me. I don't see the _point _of the rest of the world without her anymore."

_But you won't change her? She won't last forever, Edward._

"I know that," I groaned.

_And, as you've pointed out, she's sort of breakable._

"Trust me- that I know, too."

Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte. He struggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive.

_Can you even touch her? I mean, if you _love _her… wouldn't you want to, well _touch _her…?_

Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love. He had a hard time understanding how one _could _love, without that aspect.

I sighed. "I can't even think of that, Emmett."

_Wow, so what are your options, then?_

"I don't know," I whispered. "I'm trying to figure out a way to…to leave her. I just can't fathom how to make myself stay away…"

With a deep sense of gratification, I suddenly realized that it was _right _for me to stay - at least for now, with Peter and Charlotte on their way. She was safer with me here, temporarily, than she would be if I were gone. For the moment, I could be her unlikely protector.

The thought made me anxious; I itched to be back so that I could fill that role for as long as possible.

Emmett noticed the change in my expression. _What are you thinking about?_

"Right now," I admitted a bit sheepishly, "I'm dying to run back to Forks and check on her. I don't know if I'll make it till Sunday night."

"Uh-uh! You are _not _going home early. Let Rosalie cool down a little bit. Please! For my sake."

"I'll try to stay," I said doubtfully.

Emmett tapped the phone in my pocket. "Alice would call if there were any basis for your panic attack. She's as weird about this girl as you are."

I grimaced at that. "Fine. But I'm not staying past Sunday."

"There's no point in hurrying back- it's going to be sunny, anyway. Alice said we were free from school until Wednesday."

I shook my head rigidly.

"Peter and Charlotte know how to behave themselves."

"I really don't care, Emmett. With Bella's luck, she'll go wandering off into the woods at exactly the wrong moment and-" I flinched. "Peter isn't known for his self-control. I'm going back Sunday."

Emmett sighed. _Exactly like a crazy person._

Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Monday morning. I'd remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of my way.

I could tell by the way her hair lay smooth across the pillow that she'd had a less restless night than the last time I was here. She had her hands folded under her cheek like a small child, and her mouth was slightly open. I could hear her breath moving slowly in and out between her lips.

It was an amazing relief to be here, to be able to see her again. I realized that I wasn't truly at ease unless that was the case. Nothing was right when I was away from her.

Not that all was right when I was with her either, though. I sighed, letting the thirst-fire rake through my throat. I'd been away from it too long. The time spent without pain and temptation made it all the more forceful now. It was bad enough that I was afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books. I wanted to know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I let myself get that close to her, I would want to be closer still…

Her lips looked very soft and warm. I could imagine touching them with the tip of my finger. Just lightly…

That was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid.

My eyes ran over her face again and again, examining it for changes. Mortals changed all the time- I was sad at the thought of missing anything…

I thought she looked, well, tired. Like she hadn't gotten enough sleep this weekend. Had she gone out?

I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? I didn't own her. She wasn't mine.  
No, she wasn't mine- and I was sad again.

One of her hands twitched, and I noticed that there were shallow, barely healed scrapes across the heel of her palm. She'd been hurt? Even though it was obviously not a serious injury, it still disturbed me. I considered the location and decided she must have tripped. That seemed a reasonable explanation, all things considered.

It was comforting to think that I wouldn't have to puzzle over either of these small mysteries forever. We were _friends _now- or, at least, trying to be friends. I could ask her about her weekend: about the beach and whatever late night activity had made her look so weary. I could ask what had happened to her hands. And I could laugh a little when she confirmed my theory about them.

I smiled gently as I wondered whether or not she _had _fallen in the ocean. I wondered if she'd had a pleasant time on the outing. I wondered if she'd thought about me at all. If she'd missed me even the tiniest portion of the amount that I'd missed her.

I tried to picture her in the sun on the beach. The picture was incomplete, though, because I'd never been to First Beach myself. I only knew how it looked in pictures…

I felt a tiny qualm of unease as I thought about the reason why I'd never once been to the pretty beach located just a few minutes' run from my home. Bella had spent the day at La Push - a place where I was forbidden, by treaty, to go. A place where a few old men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, remembered and believed them. A place where our secret was known…

I shook my head. I had nothing to worry about there. The Quileutes were bound by treaty, too. Had Bella even run into one of those aging sages, they could reveal nothing. And why would the subject ever be broached? Why would Bella think to voice her curiosity there? No- the Quileutes were perhaps the _one _thing I did not have to worry about.

I was angry with the sun when it began to rise. It reminded me that I could not satisfy my curiosity for days to come. Why did it choose to shine now?

With a sigh, I ducked out her window before it was light enough for anyone to see me here. I meant to stay in the thick forest by her house and see her off to school, but when I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on the trail there.

I followed it quickly, curiously, becoming more and more worried as it led deeper into the darkness. What had Bella been doing out _here_?

The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular. She'd gone just a few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where she'd touched the trunk of a fallen tree. Perhaps sat there…

I sat where she had and looked around. All she would have been able to see was ferns and forest. It had probably been raining - the scent was washed out, having never set deeply into the tree.

Why would Bella have come to sit here alone - and she had been alone, no doubt about that - in the middle of the wet, murky forest?

It made no sense, and, unlike those other points of curiosity, I could hardly bring this up in casual conversation.

_So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your room where I'd been watching you sleep… _Yes, that would be quite the ice breaker.

I would never know what she'd been thinking and doing here, and that had my teeth grinding together in frustration. Worse, this was far too much like the scenario I'd imagined for Emmett: Bella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would call to anyone who had the senses to track it…

I groaned. Not only did she have bad luck, but she courted it.

Well, for this moment, she had a protector. I would watch over her, keep her from harm, for as long as I could justify it.

I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an extended stay.

**8. Ghost**

I did not see much of Jasper's guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks. I only went home at all so that Esme wouldn't worry. Otherwise, my existence seemed more like that of a specter than a vampire. I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where I could follow the object of my love and obsession - where I could see her and hear her in the minds of the lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her, sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own. She never reacted to such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers.

The enforced absence from school had never been a trial like this before. But the sun seemed to make her happy, so I could not resent it too much. Anything that pleased her was in my good graces.

Monday morning, I eavesdropped on a conversation that had the potential to destroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her a torture. As it ended up, though, it rather made my day.

I had to feel some little respect for Mike Newton; he had not simply given up and slunk away to nurse his wounds. He had more bravery than I'd given him credit for. He was going to try again.

Bella got to school quite early and, seeming intent on enjoying the sun while it lasted, sat at one of the seldom used picnic benches while she waited for the first bell to ring. Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish shine that I had not anticipated.

Mike found her there, doodling again, and was thrilled at his good luck.

It was agonizing to only be able to watch, powerless, bound to the forest's shadows by the bright sunlight.

She greeted him with enough enthusiasm to make him ecstatic - and me the opposite.

_See, she likes me. She wouldn't smile like that if she didn't. I bet she wanted to go to the dance with me. Wonder what's so important in Seattle…_

He perceived the change in her hair. "I never noticed before- your hair has red in it."

I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when he pinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.

"Only in the sun," she said. To my deep satisfaction, she cringed away from him slightly when he tucked the strand behind her ear.

It took Mike a minute to build up his courage, wasting some time on small talk.

She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday. From the faintly smug expression on her face, I deduced that hers was already done. He'd forgotten altogether, and that severely diminished his free time.

_Dang- stupid essay._

Finally he got to the point - my teeth were clenched so hard they could have pulverized granite - and even then, he couldn't make himself ask the question outright.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to go out."

"Oh," she said.

There was a brief silence.

_"Oh"? What does that mean? Is she going to say yes? Wait-I guess I didn't really ask._

He swallowed hard.

"Well, we could go to dinner or something… and I could work on it later."

_Stupid-that wasn't a question either._

"Mike…"

The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been last week. I broke another tree trying to hold myself here. I wanted so badly to race across the campus, too fast for human eyes, and snatch her up - to steal her away from the boy that I hated so much I could have killed him in this moment and enjoyed it.

Would she say yes to him?

"I don't think that would be the best idea."

I breathed again. My rigid body relaxed.

_Seattle was just an excuse, after all. Shouldn't have asked. What was I thinking? Bet it's that freak, Cullen…_

"Why?" he asked sullenly.

"I think…" she hesitated. "And if you ever repeat what I'm saying right now I will cheerfully beat you to death-"

I laughed out loud at the sound of a death threat coming through her lips. A jay shrieked, startled and launched itself away from me.

"But I think that would hurt Jessica's feelings."

"Jessica?" _What? But… Oh. Okay. I guess… So… Huh._

His thoughts were no longer coherent.

"Really, Mike, are you _blind_?"

I echoed her sentiment. She shouldn't expect everyone to be as perceptive as she was, but really this instance was beyond obvious. With as much trouble as Mike had had working himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasn't just as difficult for Jessica? It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saw everything.

_Jessica. Huh. Wow. Huh. _"Oh," he managed to say.

Bella used his confusion to make her exit.

"It's time for class, and I can't be late again."

Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on. He found, as he turned the idea of Jessica around and around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of her finding him attractive. It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way.

_She's cute, though, I guess. Decent body. A bird in the hand…_

He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones about Bella, but now they only irritated rather than infuriated. How little he deserved either girl; they were almost interchangeable to him. I stayed clear of his head after that.

When she was out of sight, I curled up against the cool trunk of an enormous madrone tree, and I danced from mind to mind, keeping her in sight, always glad when Angela Weber was available to look through. I wished there was someway to thank the Weber girl for simply being a nice person. It made me feel better to think that Bella had one friend worth having.

I watched Bella's face from whichever angle I was given, and I could see that she was sad again. This surprised me-I thought the sun would be enough to keep her smiling. At lunch, I saw her glance time and time again toward the empty Cullen table, and that thrilled me. It gave me hope. Perhaps she missed me, too.

She had plans to go out with the other girls - I automatically planned my own surveillance - but these plans were postponed when Mike invited Jessica out on the date he'd planned for Bella.

So I went straight to her home instead, doing a quick sweep of the woods to make sure no one dangerous had wandered too close. I knew Jasper had warned his one-time brother to avoid the town, citing my insanity as both explanation and warning, but I wasn't taking any chances. Peter and Charlotte had no intention of causing animosity with my family, but intentions were changeable things…

All right, I was overdoing it. I knew that.

As if she knew I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when I couldn't see her, Bella came out to the backyard after a long hour indoors. She had a book in her hand and a blanket under her arm.

Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking the yard.

She spread the blanket on the damp grass and then lay on her stomach and started flipping through the worn book, as if trying to find her place. I read over her shoulder.

Ah-more classics. She was an Austen fan.

She read quickly, crossing and re-crossing her ankles in the air. I was watching the sunlight and wind play in her hair when her body suddenly stiffened, and her hand froze on the page. All I saw was that she'd reached chapter three when she roughly grabbed a thick section of pages and shoved them over.

I caught a glance of the title page, _Mansfield Park. _She was starting a new story; the book was a compilation of novels. I wondered why she'd switched stories so abruptly.

Just a few moments later, she slammed the book angrily shut. With a fierce scowl on her face, she pushed the book aside and flipped over onto her back. She took a deep breath as if to calm herself, pushed her sleeves up and closed her eyes. I remembered the novel, but I couldn't think of anything offensive in it to upset her. Another mystery. I sighed.

She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face. It fanned out over her head, a river of chestnut. And then she was motionless again.

Her breathing slowed. After several long minutes her lips began to tremble. Mumbling in her sleep.

Impossible to resist. I listened as far out as I could, catching voices in the houses nearby.

_Two tablespoons of flour… one cup of milk…_

_ C'mon! Get it though the hoop! Aw, c'mon!_

_ Red, or blue… or maybe I should wear something more casual…_

There was no one close by. I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes.

This was very wrong, very risky. How condescendingly I'd once judged Emmett for his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of discipline- and now I was consciously flouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all. I used to be the responsible one.

I sighed but crept out into the sunshine, regardless.

I avoided looking at myself in the sun's glare. It was bad enough that my skin was stone and inhuman in shadow; I didn't want to look at Bella and myself side by side in the sunlight. The difference between us was already insurmountable, painful enough without this image also in my head.

But I couldn't ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I got closer. My jaw locked at the sight. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined her terror if she opened her eyes now…

I started to retreat, but she mumbled again, holding me there.

"Mmm… Mmm."

Nothing intelligible. Well, I could wait for a bit.

I carefully stole her book, stretching my arm out and holding my breath while I was close, just in case. I started breathing again when I was a few yards away, tasting the way the sunshine and open air affected her scent. The heat seemed to sweeten the smell. My throat flamed with desire, the fire fresh and fierce again because I had been away from her for too long.

I spent a moment controlling that, and then - forcing myself to breathe through my nose - I let her book fall open in my hands. She'd started with the first book… I flipped through the pages quickly to the third chapter of _Sense and Sensibility, _searching for something potentially offensive in Austen's overly polite prose.

When my eyes stopped automatically at my name - the character Edward Ferrars being introduced for the first time - Bella spoke again.

"Mmm. Edward." She sighed.

This time I did not fear that she had awoken. Her voice was just a low, wistful murmur. Not the scream of fear it would have been if she'd seen me now.

Joy warred with self-loathing. She was still dreaming of me, at least.

"Edmund. Ahh. Too… close…"

Edmund?

Ha! She wasn't dreaming of me at all, I realized blackly. The self-loathing returned in force. She was dreaming of fictional characters. So much for my conceit.

I replaced her book and stole back into the cover of the shadows - where I belonged.

The afternoon passed, and I watched, feeling helpless again, as the sun slowly sank in the sky. The shadows crawled across the lawn toward her. I wanted to push them back, but the darkness was inevitable; the shadows took her. When the light was gone, her skin looked too pale - ghostly. Her hair was dark again, almost black against her face.

It was a frightening thing to watch, like witnessing Alice's visions come to fruition. Bella's steady, strong heartbeat was the only reassurance, the sound that kept this moment from feeling like a nightmare.

I was relieved when her father arrived home.

I could hear little from him as he drove down the street toward the house. Some vague annoyance… in the past, something from his day at work. Expectation mixed with hunger - I guessed that he was looking forward to dinner. But his thoughts were so quiet and contained that I could not be sure I was right; I only got the gist of them.

I wondered what her mother sounded like- what the genetic combination had been that had formed her so uniquely.

Bella started awake, jerking up to a sitting position when the tires of her father's car hit the brick driveway. She stared around herself, seeming confused by the unexpected darkness. For one brief moment, her eyes touched the shadows where I hid, but they flickered quickly away.

"Charlie?" she asked in a low voice, still peering into the trees surrounding the small yard.

The door of his car slammed shut, and she looked to the sound. She got to her feet quickly and gathered her things, casting one more look back toward the woods.

I moved into a tree closer to the back window near the small kitchen and listened to their evening. It was interesting to compare Charlie's words to his muffled thoughts. His love and concern for his only daughter were nearly overwhelming, yet his words were always terse and casual. Most of the time, they sat in companionable silence.

I heard her discuss her plans for the following evening in Port Angeles, and I refined my own plans as I listened. Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stay clear of Port Angeles. Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention of hunting any where in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case. After all, there were always others of my kind out there. And then, all those human dangers that I had never much considered before now.

I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone and smiled at this proof to my theory - yes, she was a caretaker.

And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.

I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have. I was here for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were he agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her so crassly.

My house was empty when I returned, which was fine by me. I didn't miss the confused or disparaging thoughts questioning my sanity. Emmett had left a note stuck to the newel post.

_Football at the Rainier Field. Come on! Please?_

I found a pen and scrawled the word _sorry _beneath his plea. The teams were even without me, in any case.

I went for the shortest of hunting trips, contenting myself with the smaller, gentler creatures that did not taste as good as the hunters and then changed into fresh clothes before I ran back to Forks.

Bella did not sleep as well tonight. She thrashed in her blankets, her face sometimes worried, sometimes sad. I wondered what nightmare haunted her…and then realized that perhaps I really didn't want to know.

When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glum voice. Only once, when she sighed out the words, "Come back" and her hand twitched open - a wordless plea - did I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me.

The next day of school, the _last _day the sun would hold me prisoner, was much the same as the day before. Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, and I wondered if she would bow out of her plans; she didn't seem in the mood.

But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends' enjoyment above that of her own.

She wore a deep blue blouse today, and the color set her skin off perfectly, making it look like fresh cream.

School ended, and Jessica agreed to pick the other girls up - A ngela was going, too, for which I was grateful.

I went home to get my car. When I found that Peter and Charlotte were there, I decided could afford to give the girls an hour or so for a head start. I would never be able to bear following behind them. Driving at the speed limit - hideous thought.

I came in through the kitchen, nodding vaguely at Emmett's and Esme's greetings as I passed by everyone in the front room and went straight to the piano.

_Ugh, he's back. _Rosalie, of course.

_Ah, Edward. I hate to see him suffering so. _Esme's joy was becoming marred by concern. She _should _be concerned. This love story she envisioned for me was careening toward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment.

_Have fun in Port Angeles tonight, _Alice thought cheerfully. _Let me know when I'm allowed to talk to Bella._

_ You're pathetic. I can't believe you missed the game last night just to watch somebody sleep, _Emmett grumbled.

Jasper paid me no mind, even when the song I played came out a little more stormily than I'd intended. It was an old song, with a familiar theme: impatience. Jasper was saying goodbye to his friends, who eyed me curiously.

_What a strange creature, _the Alice-sized, white-blond Charlotte was thinking. _And he was so normal and pleasant the last time we met._

Peter's thoughts were in sync with hers, as was usually the case.

_It must be the animals. The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually, _he was concluding. His hair was just as fair as hers and almost as long. They were very similar - except for size as he was almost as tall as Jasper - in both look and thought. A well-matched pair, I'd always thought.

Everyone but Esme stopped thinking about me after a moment, and I played in more subdued tones so that I would not attract notice.

I did not pay attention to them for a long while, just letting the music distract me from my unease. It was hard to have the girl out of sight and mind. I only returned my attention to their conversation when the goodbyes grew more final.

"If you see Maria again," Jasper was saying, a little warily, "tell her I wish her well."

Maria was the vampire who had created both Jasper and Peter - Jasper in the latter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen-forties. She'd looked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary. It had been an eventful visit - we'd had to move immediately. Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future.

"I don't imagine that will happen soon," Peter said with a laugh. Maria was undeniably dangerous, and there was not much love loss between her and Peter. Peter had, after all, been instrumental in Jasper's defection. Jasper had always been Maria's favorite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him. "But, should it happen, I certainly will."

They were shaking hands then, preparing to depart. I let the song I was playing trail off to an unsatisfying end and got hastily to my feet.

"Charlotte, Peter," I said, nodding.

"It was nice to see you again, Edward," Charlotte said doubtfully. Peter just nodded in return.

_Madman, _Emmett threw after me.

_Idiot,_ Rosalie thought at the same time.

_Poor boy. _Esme.

And Alice, in a chiding tone. _They're going straight east, to Seattle. No where near Port Angeles. _She showed me the proof in her visions.

I pretended I hadn't heard that. My excuses were already flimsy enough.

Once in my car, I felt more relaxed; the robust purr of the engine Rosalie had boosted for me - last year, when she was in a better mood - was soothing. It was a relief to be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew away under my tires.

**9. Port Angeles**

It was too bright for me to drive into town when I got to Port Angeles; the sun was still too high overhead, and though my windows were tinted dark, there was no reason to take unnecessary risks. _More _unnecessary risks, I should say.

I was certain I would be able to find Jessica's thoughts from a distance - Jessica's thoughts were louder than Angela's, but once I found the first, I'd be able to hear the second. Then, when the shadows lengthened, I could get closer. For now, I pulled off the road onto an overgrown driveway just outside the town that appeared to be infrequently used.

I knew the general direction to search in. There was really only one place for dress shopping in Port Angeles. It wasn't long before I found Jessica, spinning in front of a three-way mirror, and I could see Bella in her peripheral vision, appraising the long black dress she wore.

_Bella still looks pissed. Ha-ha. Angela was right - Tyler was full of it. I can't believe she's so upset about it, though. At least she knows she has a back up date for the prom. What if Mike doesn't have fun at the dance, and he doesn't ask me out again? What if he asks Bella to the prom? Would she have asked Mike to the dance if I hadn't said anything? Does he think she's prettier than me? Does _she _think she's prettier than me?_

_ "I think I like the blue one better. It really brings out your eyes."_

Jessica smiled at Bella with false warmth while eyeing her suspiciously.

_Does she really think that? Or does she want me to look like a cow on Saturday?_

I was already tired of listening to Jessica. I searched close by for Angela- ah, but Angela was in the process of changing dresses, and I skipped quickly out of her head to give her some privacy.

Well, there wasn't much trouble Bella could get into in a department store. I'd let them shop and then catch up with them when they were done. It wouldn't be long until it was dark - the clouds were beginning to return, drifting in from the west. I could only catch glimpses of them through the thick trees, but I could see how they would hurry the sunset. I welcomed them, craved them more than I had ever yearned for their shadows before. Tomorrow, I could sit beside Bella in school again, monopolize her attention at lunch again. I could ask her all the questions I'd been saving up…

So, she was furious about Tyler's presumption. I'd seen that in his head - that he'd meant it literally when he'd spoken of the prom, that he was staking a claim. I pictured her expression from that other afternoon - the outraged disbelief - and I laughed. I wondered what she would say to him about this. I wouldn't want to miss her reaction.

The time went slowly while I waited for the shadows to lengthen. I checked in periodically with Jessica; her mental voice was the easiest to find, but I didn't like to linger there long. I saw the place they were planning to eat. It would be dark by dinnertime…maybe I would coincidentally choose the same restaurant. I touched the phone in my pocket, thinking of inviting Alice out to eat… She would love that, but she would also want to talk to Bella. I wasn't sure if I was ready to have Bella _more _involved with my world. Wasn't one vampire trouble enough?

I checked in routinely with Jessica again. She was thinking about her jewelry, asking Angela's opinion.

_"Maybe I should take the necklace back. I've got one at home that would probably work, and I spent more than I was supposed to…" My mom is going to freak out. What was I thinking?_

_ "I don't mind going back to the store. Do you think Bella will be looking for us, though?"_

What was this? Bella wasn't with them? I stared through Jessica's eyes first, then switched to Angela's. They were on the sidewalk in front of a line of shops, just turning back the other way. Bella was no where in sight.

_Oh, who cares about Bella? _Jess thought impatiently, before answering Angela's question. _"She's fine. We'll get to the restaurant in plenty of time, even if we go back. Anyway, I think she wanted to be alone." _I got a brief glimpse of the bookshop Jessica thought Bella had gone to.

_"Let's hurry, then," _Angela said. _I hope Bella doesn't think we ditched her. She was so nice to me in the car before… She's really a sweet person. But she's seemed kind of blue all day. I wonder if it's because of Edward Cullen? I'll bet that was why she was asking about his family…_

I should have been paying better attention. What all had I missed here? Bella was off wandering by herself, and she'd been asking about me before? Angela was paying attention to Jessica now - Jessica was babbling about that idiot Mike - and I could get nothing more from her.

I judged the shadows. The sun would be behind the clouds soon enough. If I stayed on the west side of the road, where the buildings would shade the street from the fading light…

I started to feel anxious as I drove through the sparse traffic into the center of the town. This wasn't something I had considered - Bella taking off on her own - and I had no idea how to find her. I _should _have considered it.

I knew Port Angeles well; I drove straight to the bookstore in Jessica's head, hoping my search would be short but doubting it would be so easy. When did Bella ever make it easy?

Sure enough, the little shop was empty except for the anachronistically dressed woman behind the counter. This didn't look like the kind of place Bella would be interested in - too New Age for a practical person. I wondered if she'd even bothered to go in?

There was a patch of shade I could park in… It made a dark pathway right up to the overhang of the shop. I really shouldn't. Wandering around in the sunlight hours was not safe. What if a passing car threw the sun's reflection into the shade at just the wrong moment?

But I didn't know how else to look for Bella!

I parked and got out, keeping to the deepest side of the shadow. I strode quickly into the store, noting the faint trace of Bella's scent in the air. She had been here, on the sidewalk, but there was no hint of her fragrance inside the shop.

"Welcome! Can I help-" the saleswoman began to say, but I was already out the door.

I followed Bella's scent as far as the shade would allow, stopping when I got to the edge of the sunlight.

How powerless it made me feel, fenced in by the line between dark and light that stretched across the sidewalk in front of me. So limited.

I could only guess that she'd continued across the street, heading south. There wasn't really much in that direction. Was she lost? Well, that possibility didn't sound entirely out of character.

I got back in the car and drove slowly through the streets, looking for her. I stepped out into a few other patches of shadow, but I only caught her scent once more, and the direction of it confused me. Where was she trying to go?

I drove back and forth between the bookstore and the restaurant a few times, hoping to see her on her way. Jessica and Angela were already there, trying to decide whether to order or to wait for Bella. Jessica was pushing for ordering immediately.

I began flitting through the minds of strangers, looking through their eyes. Surely, someone must have seen her somewhere.

I got more and more anxious the longer she remained missing. I hadn't considered before how difficult she might prove to find once, like now, she was out of my sight and off her normal paths. I didn't like it.

The clouds were massing on the horizon, and, in a few more minutes, I would be free to track her on foot. It wouldn't take me long then. It was only the sun that made me so helpless now. Just a few more minutes, and then the advantage would be mine again, and it would be the human world that was powerless.

Another mind and another. So many trivial thoughts.

_…think the baby has another ear infection…_

_ Was it six-four-oh or six-oh-four…?_

_ Late again. I ought to tell him…_

_ Here she comes! Aha!_

There, at last, was her face. Finally, someone had noticed her!

The relief lasted for only a fraction of a second, and then I read more fully the thoughts of the man who was gloating over her face in the shadows.

His mind was a stranger to me, yet not totally unfamiliar. I had once hunted exactly such minds.

"NO!" I roared, and a volley of snarls erupted from my throat. My foot shoved the gas pedal to the floor, but where was I going?

I knew the general location of his thoughts, but the knowledge was not specific enough. Something, there had to be something - a street sign, a store front, something in his sight that would give away his location. But Bella was deep in shadow, and his eyes were focused only on her frightened expression - enjoying the fear there.

Her face was blurred in his mind by the memory of other faces. Bella was not his first victim.

The sound of my growls shook the frame of the car but did not distract me.

There were no windows in the wall behind her. Somewhere industrial, away from the more populated shopping district. My car squealed around a corner, swerving past another vehicle, heading in what I hoped was the right direction. By the time the other driver honked, the sound was far behind me.

_Look at her shaking! _The man chuckled in anticipation. The fear was the draw for him, the part he enjoyed.

_"Stay away from me." _Her voice was low and steady, not a scream.

_"Don't be like that, sugar."_

He watched her flinch to a rowdy laugh that came from another direction. He was irritated with the noise - _Shut up, Jeff! _he thought - but he enjoyed the way she cringed. It excited him. He began to imagine her pleas, the way she would beg…

I hadn't realized that there were others with him until I'd heard the loud laughter. I scanned out from him, desperate for something that I could use. He was taking the first step in her direction, flexing his hands.

The minds around him were not the cesspool that his was. They were all slightly intoxicated, not one of them realizing how far the man they called Lonnie planned to go with this. They were following Lonnie's lead blindly. He'd promised them a little fun…

One of them glanced down the street, nervous - he didn't want to get caught harassing the girl - and gave me what I needed. I recognized the cross street he stared toward.

I flew under a red light, sliding through a space just wide enough between two cars in the moving traffic. Horns blared behind me.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I ignored it.

Lonnie moved slowly toward the girl, drawing out the suspense, the moment of terror that aroused him. He waited for her scream, preparing to savor it.

But Bella locked her jaw and braced herself. He was surprised, expecting her to try to run. Surprised and slightly disappointed. He liked to chase his prey down, the adrenaline of the hunt.

_Brave, this one. Maybe better, I guess… more fight in her._

I was a block away. The monster could hear the roar of my engine now, but he paid it no attention, too intent on his victim.

I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the prey. I would see what he thought of _my _style of hunting.

In another compartment of my head, I was already sorting through the range of tortures I had born witness to in my vigilante days, searching for the most painful of them. He would suffer for this. He would writhe in agony. The others would merely die for their part, but the monster named _Lonnie _would beg for death long before I would give him that gift.

He was in the road, crossing toward her.

I spun sharply around the corner, my headlights washing across the scene and freezing the rest of them in place. I could have run down the leader, who leapt out of the way, but that was too easy a death for him.

I let the car spin out, swinging all the way around so that I was facing back the way I'd come and the passenger door was closest to Bella. I threw that open, and she was already running toward the car.

"Get in," I snarled.

_What the hell?_

_ Knew this was a bad idea! She's not alone._

_ Should I run?_

_ Think I'm going to throw up…_

Bella jumped through the open door without hesitating, pulling the door shut behind her.

And then she looked up at me with the most trustful expression I had ever seen on a human face, and all my violent plans crumbled.

It took much, much less than a second for me to see that I could not leave her in the car in order to deal with the four men in the street. What would I tell her, not to watch? Ha! When did she ever do what I asked? When did she ever do the safe thing?

Would I drag them away, out of her sight and leave her alone here? It was a long shot that another dangerous human would be prowling the streets of Port Angeles tonight, but it was a long shot that there was even the first! Like a magnet, she drew all things dangerous toward herself. I could not let her out of my sight.

It would feel like part of the same motion to her as I accelerated, taking her away from her pursuers so quickly that they gaped after my car with uncomprehending expressions. She would not recognize my instant of hesitation. She would assume the plan was escape from the beginning.

I couldn't even hit him with my car. That would frighten her.

I wanted his death so savagely that the need for it rang in my ears and clouded my sight and was a flavor on my tongue. My muscles were coiled with the urgency, the craving, the necessity of it. I _had _to kill him. I would peel him slowly apart, piece by piece, skin from muscle, muscle from bone…

Except that the girl - the only girl in the world - was clinging to her seat with both hands, staring at me, her eyes still wide and utterly trusting. Vengeance would have to wait.

"Put on your seatbelt," I ordered. My voice was rough with the hate and bloodlust. Not the usual bloodlust. I would not sully myself by taking any part of that man inside of me.

She locked the seatbelt into place, jumping slightly at the sound it made. That little sound made her jump, yet she did not flinch as I tore through the town, ignoring all traffic guides. I could feel her eyes on me. She seemed oddly relaxed. It didn't make sense to me - not with what she'd just been through.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice rough with stress and fear.

_She _wanted to know if _I _was okay?

I thought about her question for a fraction of a second. Not long enough for her to notice the hesitation. _Was _I okay?

"No," I realized, and my tone seethed with rage.

I took her to the same unused drive where I'd spent the afternoon engaged in the poorest surveillance ever kept. It was black now under the trees.

I was so furious that my body froze in place there, utterly motionless. My ice-locked hands ached to crush her attacker, to grind him into pieces so mangled that his body could never be identified…

But that would entail leaving her here alone, unprotected in the dark night.

"Bella?" I asked through me teeth.

"Yes?" she responded huskily. She cleared her throat.

"Are you all right?" That was really the most important thing, the first priority. Retribution was secondary. I _knew _that, but my body was so filled with rage that it was hard to think.

"Yes." Her voice was still thick - with fear, no doubt.

And so I could not leave her.

Even if she wasn't at constant risk for some infuriating reason - some joke the universe was playing on me - even if I could be _sure _that she would be perfectly safe in my absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark.

She must be so frightened.

Yet I was in no condition to comfort her - even if I knew exactly how that was to be accomplished, which I did not. Surely she could feel the brutality radiating out of me, surely that much was obvious. I would frighten her even more if I could not calm the lust for slaughter boiling inside me.

I needed to think about something else.

"Distract me, please," I pleaded.

"I'm sorry, what?"

I barely had enough control to try to explain what I needed.

"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," I instructed, my jaw still locked. Only the fact that she needed me held me inside the car. I could hear the man's thoughts, his disappointment and anger… I knew where to find him… I closed my eyes, wishing that I couldn't see anyway…

"Um…" She hesitated, trying to make sense of my request, I imagined. "I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?" She said this like it was a question.

Yes - this was what I needed. Of course Bella would come up with something unexpected. Like it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips was hilarious - so comical, it was jarring. If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, I would have laughed.

"Why?" I barked out, to force her to speak again.

"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom," she said, her voice filled with her tiger-kitten outrage. "Either he's insane or he's still trying to make up for almost killing me last… well you remember it," she inserted dryly, "and he thinks _prom _is somehow the correct way to do this. So I figure if I endanger his life, then we're even, and he can't keep trying to make amends. I don't need enemies and maybe Lauren would back off if he left me alone. I might have to total his Sentra, though," she went on, thoughtful now. "If he doesn't have a ride he can't take anyone to prom…"

It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong. Tyler's persistence had nothing to do with the accident. She didn't seem to understand the appeal she held for the human boys at the high school. Did she not see the appeal she had for me, either?

Ah, it was working. The baffling processes of her mind were always engrossing. I was beginning to gain control of myself, to see something beyond the vengeance and torture…

"I heard about that," I told her. She had stopped talking, and I needed her to continue.

_"You _did?" she asked incredulously. And then her voice was angrier than before. "If he's paralyzed from the neck down, he can't go to the prom either."

I wished there was someway I could ask her to continue with the threats of death and bodily harm with out sounding insane. She couldn't have picked a better way to calm me. And her words - just sarcasm in her case, hyperbole - were a reminder I dearly needed in this moment.

I sighed and opened my eyes.

"Better?" she asked timidly.

"Not really."

No, I was calmer but not better. Because I'd just realized that I could not kill the monster named Lonnie, and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the world. Almost.

The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly justifiable murder was this girl. And though I couldn't have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight- no matter how defensible such a thing might be.

Bella deserved better than a killer.

I'd spent seven decades trying to be something other than that - anything other than a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside me. And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life - the life of a killer - for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn't drink their blood - even if I didn't have that evidence blazing red in my eyes - wouldn't she sense the difference?

I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her…she still made my mouth water.

I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.

"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." I stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. Mostly that she would not. _Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay. _"But it _wouldn't _be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those…" Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."

"Oh."

She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn't screaming. Not yet.

It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be. What I couldn't be.

"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was very calm, and I was not sure how that could be. _Was _she in shock? Maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "I was supposed to meet them."

Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends' worry?  
I didn't answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer I got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so _close _to him…

If it was impossible - if I could never have nor deserve this girl - then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much…

No. I wasn't giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.

We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.

It was not a good night for them to be wandering-

"How did you know where…?" Bella's unfinished question interrupted me, and I realized that I had made yet another gaffe. I'd been too distracted to remember to ask her where she was supposed to meet her friends.

But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.

What did _that _mean?

Well, I didn't have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger knowledge. I opened my door.

"What are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.

_Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order. _"I'm taking you to dinner."

Well this should be interesting. It seemed like another night entirely when I'd imagined bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella and her friends by accident. And now, here I was, practically on a date with the girl. Only it didn't count because I wasn't giving her a chance to say no.

She already had her door half-open before I'd walked around the car - it wasn't usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed - instead of waiting for me to get it for her. Was this because she wasn't used to being treated like a lady or because she didn't think of me as a gentleman?

I waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued in toward the dark corner.

"Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too," I ordered quickly. "I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again." No, I would not be strong enough for that.

She shuddered and then quickly collected herself. She took half a step after them, calling, "Jess! Angela!" in a loud voice. They turned, and she waved her arm over her head to catch their attention.

_Bella! Oh, she's safe! _Angela thought with relief.

_Late much? _Jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that Bella wasn't lost or hurt. This made me like her a little more than I had.

They hurried back and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her.

_Uh-_uh_! _Jess thought, stunned. _No freaking way!_

_ Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him? But why would she ask about them being out of town if she knew he was here… _I got a brief flash of Bella's mortified expression when she'd asked Angela if my family was often absent from school. _No, she couldn't have known, _Angela decided.

Jessica's thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion. _Bella's been holding out on me._

"Where have you been?" she demanded, staring at Bella but peeking at me from the corner of her eye.

"I got lost. And then I ran into Edward," Bella said, waving one hand toward me. Her tone was remarkably normal. Like that was truly all that had happened.

She must be in shock. That was the only explanation for her calm.

"Would it be all right if I joined you?" I asked - to be polite; I knew that they'd already eaten.

_Holy _crap _but he's hot! _Jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent.

Angela wasn't much more composed. _Wish we hadn't eaten. Wow. Just. Wow._

Now why couldn't I do that to Bella?

"Er…sure," Jessica agreed.

Angela frowned. "Um actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting." she admitted. "Sorry."

_What? Shut up! _Jess complained internally.

Bella shrugged casually. So at ease. Definitely in shock. "That's fine. I'm not hungry."

"I think you should eat something," I disagreed. She needed sugar in her bloodstream - though it smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly. The horror was going to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldn't help. She was an easy fainter - as I knew from experience.

These girls wouldn't be in any danger if they went straight home. Danger didn't stalk _their _every step.

And I'd rather be alone with Bella - as long as she was willing to be alone with me.

"Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight?" I said to Jessica before Bella could respond. "That way you won't have to wait while she eats."

"Uh, no problem, I guess…" Jessica stared intently at Bella, looking for some sign that this was what she wanted.

_I want to stay… but she probably wants him to herself. Who wouldn't? _Jess thought. At the same time, she watched Bella wink.

Bella _winked?_

"Okay," Angela said quickly, in a hurry to be out of the way if that was what Bella wanted. And it seemed that she did want that. "See you tomorrow, Bella…Edward." She struggled to say my name in a casual tone. Then she grabbed Jessica's hand and began towing her away.

I would have to find some way to thank Angela for this.

Jessica's car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by a streetlamp. Bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes, until they were in the car, so she must be fully aware of the danger she'd been in. Jessica waved as she drove away, and Bella waved back. It wasn't until the car disappeared that she took a deep breath and turned to look up at me.

"Honestly, I'm not hungry," she said.

Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking? Did she truly want to be alone with me - even now, after witnessing my homicidal rage?

Whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something.

"Humor me," I said.

I held the restaurant door open for her and waited.

She sighed and walked through.

I walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited. Bella still seemed entirely self-possessed. I wanted to touch her hand, her forehead, to check her temperature. But my cold hand would repulse her, as it had before.

_Oh, my, _the hostess's rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. _My, oh my._

It seemed to be my night to turn heads. Or was I only noticing it more because I wished so much that Bella would see me this way? We were always attractive to our prey. I'd never thought so much about it before. Usually - unless, as with people like Shelly Cope and Jessica Stanley, there was constant repetition to dull the horror - the fear kicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction…

"A table for two?" I prompted when the hostess didn't speak.

"Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia." _Mmm! What a voice! _"Please follow me." Her thoughts were preoccupied - calculating.

_Maybe she's his cousin. She couldn't be his sister, they don't look anything alike. But family, definitely. _He _can't be with _her.

Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly. How could this small-minded woman find my physical lures - snares for prey - so attractive and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?

_Well, no need to help her out, just in case, _the hostess thought as she led us to a family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant. _Can I give him my number while she's there…? _she mused.

I pulled a bill from my back pocket. People were invariably cooperative when money was involved.

Bella was already taking the seat the hostess indicated without objection. I shook my head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity. Yes, she would be very curious tonight. A crowd was not the ideal place for this conversation.

"Perhaps something more private?" I requested of the hostess, handing her the money. Her eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed while her hand curled around the tip.

"Sure."

She peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall.

_Fifty dollars for a better table? Rich, too. That makes sense-I bet his jacket cost more than my last paycheck. Damn. Why does he want privacy with _her_?_

She offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one would be able to see us - to see Bella's reactions to whatever I would tell her. I had no clue as to what she would want from me tonight. Or what I would give her.

How much had she guessed? What explanation of tonight's events had she told herself?

"How's this?" the hostess asked.

"Perfect," I told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude toward Bella, I smiled widely at her, baring my teeth, letting her see me clearly.

_Whoa. _"Um…your server will be right out." _He can't be real. I must be asleep. Maybe she'll disappear… maybe I'll write my number on his plate with ketchup… _She wandered away, listing slightly to the side.

Odd. She still wasn't frightened. I suddenly remembered Emmett teasing me in the cafeteria, so many weeks ago. _I'll bet I could have scared her better than that._

Was I losing my edge?

"You really shouldn't do that to people," Bella interrupted my thoughts in a disapproving tone. "It's hardly fair."

I stared at her critical expression. What did she mean? I hadn't frightened the hostess at all, despite my intentions. "Do what?"

"Dazzle them like that- she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."

Hmm. Bella was very nearly right. The hostess was only semi-coherent at the moment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff.

"Oh, come on," Bella chided me when I didn't answer immediately. "You _have _to know the effect you have on people."

"I dazzle people?" That was an interesting way of phrasing it. Accurate enough for tonight. I wondered why the difference…

"You haven't noticed?" she asked, still critical. "Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"

"Do I dazzle _you_?" I voiced my curiosity impulsively and then the words were out, and it was too late to recall them.

But before I had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answer, "Frequently." And her cheeks took on a faint pink glow.

I dazzled her.

My silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than I could ever remember having felt before.

"Hello," someone said, the waitress, introducing herself. Her thoughts were loud and more explicit than the hostess's, but I tuned her out. I stared at Bella's face instead of listening, watching the blood spreading under her skin, noticing not how that made my throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her skin…

The waitress was waiting for something from me. Ah, she'd asked for our drink order. I continued to stare at Bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too.

"I'll have a Coke?" Bella said as if asking for approval.

"Two cokes," I amended. Thirst - normal, human thirst - was a sign of shock. I would make sure she had the extra sugar from the soda in her system.

She looked healthy, though. More than healthy. She looked radiant.

"What?" she demanded - wondering why I was staring, I guessed. I was vaguely aware that the waitress had left.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

She blinked, surprised by the question. "I'm fine."

"You don't feel dizzy, sick, cold?"

She was even more confused now. "Should I?"

"Well, I actually am waiting for you to go into shock." I half-smiled, expecting her denial. She would not want to be taken care of.

It took her a minute to answer me. Her eyes were slightly unfocused. She looked that way sometimes, when I smiled at her. Was she…dazzled?

I would love to believe that.

"I don't think that will happen. I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things," she answered, a little breathless.

Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then? Was her life always this hazardous?

"Just the same," I told her. "I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you."

The waitress returned with the cokes and a basket of bread. She put them in front of me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process. I indicated that she would attend to Bella and then went back to tuning her out. She had a vulgar mind.

"Um…" Bella glanced quickly at the menu. "I'll have the mushroom ravioli."

The waitress turned back to me eagerly. "And you?"

"Nothing for me."

Bella made a slight face. Hmm. She must have noticed that I never ate food. She noticed everything. And I always forgot to be careful around her.

I waited till we were alone again.

"Drink," I insisted.

I was surprised when she complied immediately and without objection. She drank until the glass was entirely empty, so I pushed the second coke toward her, frowning a little. Thirst or shock?

She drank a little more and then shuddered once.

"Are you cold?"

"It's just the Coke," she said, but she shivered again, her lips trembling slightly as if her teeth were about the chatter.

The pretty blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately; it clung to her like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first. She was so frail, so mortal. "Don't you have a jacket?"

"Yes." She looked around herself, a little perplexed. "Oh. I left it in Jessica's car."

I pulled off my jacket, wishing that the gesture was not marred by my body temperature. It would have been nice to have been able to offer her a warm coat. She stared at me, her cheeks warm again. What was she thinking now?

I handed her the jacket across the table, and she put it on at once and then shuddered again.

Yes, it would be very nice to be warm.

"Thanks," she said. She took a deep breath and then pushed the too-long sleeves back to free her hands. She took another deep breath.

Was the evening finally settling in? Her color was still good; her skin was cream and roses against the deep blue of her shirt.

"That color blue looks lovely with your skin," I complimented her. Just being honest.

She flushed, enhancing the effect.

She looked well, but there was no point in taking chances. I pushed the basket of bread toward her.

"Really," she objected, guessing my motives. "I'm not going into shock."

"You should be. A _normal_person would be. You don't even look shaken." I stared at her, disapproving, wondering why she couldn't be normal and then wondering if I really wanted her to be that way.

"I feel very safe with you," she said, her eyes, again, filled with trust. Trust I didn't deserve.

Her instincts were all wrong, backwards. That must be the problem. She didn't recognize danger the way a human being should be able to. She had the opposite reaction. Instead of running, she lingered, drawn to what should frighten her…

How could I protect her from myself when _neither _of us wanted that?

"This is more complicated than I'd planned," I murmured.

I could see her turning my words over in her head, and I wondered what she made of them. She took a breadstick and began to eat without seeming aware of the action. She chewed for a moment and then leaned her head to one side thoughtfully.

"Usually you're in a better mood when your eyes are so light," she said in a casual tone.

Her observation, stated so matter-of-factly, left me reeling. "What?"

"You're always crabbier when your eyes are black - I expect it then. I have a theory about that," she added lightly.

So she had come up with her own explanation. Of course she had. I felt a deep sense of dread as I wondered how close she'd come to the truth.

"More theories?"

"Mm-hmm." She chewed on another bite, entirely nonchalant. As if she weren't discussing the aspects of a monster with the monster himself.

"I hope you were more creative this time…" I lied when she didn't continue. What I really hoped was that she was _wrong _- miles wide of the mark. "Or are you still stealing from comic books?"

"Well, no, I didn't get it from a comic book," she said, a little embarrassed. "But I didn't come up with it one my own, either."

"And?" I asked between my teeth.

Surely she would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream.

As she hesitated, biting her lip, the waitress reappeared with Bella's food. I paid the server little attention as she set the plate in front of Bella and then asked if I wanted anything.

I declined but asked for more Coke. The waitress hadn't noticed the empty glasses. She took them and left.

"You were saying?" I prompted anxiously as soon as we were alone again.

"I'll tell you about it in the car," she said in a low voice. Ah, this would be bad. She wasn't willing to speak her guesses around others. "If…" she tacked on suddenly.

"There are conditions?" I was so tense I almost growled the words.

"I do have a few questions, of course."

"Of course," I agreed, my voice hard.

Her questions would probably be enough to tell me where her thoughts were heading. But how would I answer them? With responsible lies? Or would I drive her away with truth? Or would I say nothing, unable to decide?

We sat in silence while the waitress replenished her supply of soda.

"Well, go ahead," I said, jaw locked, when she was gone.

"Why are you in Port Angeles?"

That was too easy a question - for her. It gave away nothing while my answer, if truthful, would give away much too much. Let her reveal something first.

"Next," I said.

"But that's the easiest one!"

"Next," I said again.

She was frustrated by my refusal. She looked away from me, down to her food. Slowly, thinking hard, she took a bite and chewed with deliberation. She washed it down with more Coke and then finally looked up at me. Her eyes were narrow with suspicion.

"Okay then," she said. "Let's say, hypothetically, of course, that…someone…could know what people are thinking, read minds, you know - with just a few exceptions."

It could be worse.

This explained that little half-smile in the car. She was quick; no on else had ever guessed this about me. Except for Carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, in the beginning, when I'd answer all his thoughts as if he'd spoken them to me. He'd understood before I had…

This question wasn't so bad. While it was clear that she knew that there was something wrong with me, this was not as serious as it could have been. Mind-reading was, after all, not a facet of the vampire cannon. I went along with her hypothesis.

"Just _one _exception," I corrected. "Hypothetically."

She fought a smile - my vague honesty pleased her. "All right, with one exception, then. How does that work? What are the limitations? How would … that someone … find someone else at exactly the right time? How would he know that she was in trouble?"

"Hypothetically?"

"Sure." Her lips twitched, and her liquid brown eyes were eager.

"Well," I hesitated. "If…that someone…"

"Let's call him 'Joe,'" she suggested.

I had to smile at her enthusiasm. Did she really think the truth would be a good thing? If my secrets were pleasant, why would I keep them from her?

"Joe, then," I agreed. "If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldn't have needed to be quite so exact." I shook my head and repressed a shudder at the thought of how close I had been to being too late today. "Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know."

Her lips turned down at the corners and pouted out. "We were speaking of a hypothetical case."

I laughed at her irritation.

Her lips, her skin… they looked so soft. I wanted to touch them. I wanted to press my fingertips against the corner of her frown and turn it up. Impossible. My skin would be repellent to her.

"Yes, we were," I said, returning to the conversation before I could depress myself too thoroughly. "Shall we call you 'Jane'?"

She leaned across the table toward me, all humor and irritation gone from her wide eyes.

"How did you know?" she asked, her voice low and intense.

Should I tell her the truth? And, if so, what portion?

I wanted to tell her. I wanted to deserve the trust I could still see on her face.

"You can trust me, you know," she whispered, and she reached one hand forward as if to touch my hands where they rested on top of the empty table before me.

I pulled them back - hating the thought of her reaction to my frigid stone skin - and she dropped her hand.

I knew that I could trust her with protecting my secrets; she was entirely trustworthy, good to the core. But I couldn't trust her not to be horrified by them. She _should _be horrified. The truth _was _horror.

"I don't know if I have a choice anymore," I murmured. I remembered that I'd once teased her by calling her 'exceptionally unobservant.' Offending her, if I'd been judging her expressions correctly. Well, I could right that one injustice, at least. "I was wrong - you're much more observant than I gave you credit for." And, though she might not realize it, I'd given her plenty of credit already. She missed nothing.

"I thought you were always right," she said, smiling as she teased me.

"I used to be." I used to know what I was doing. I used to be always sure of my course. And now everything was chaos and tumult.

Yet I wouldn't trade it. I didn't want the life that made sense. Not if the chaos meant that I could be with Bella.

"I was wrong about you on one other thing as well," I went on, setting the record straight on another point. "You're not a magnet for accidents. That's not a broad enough classification. You are a magnet for _trouble_. If there is anything dangerous within a ten-mile radius, it will invariably find you." Why her? What had she done to deserve any of this?

Bella's face turned serious again. "And you put yourself in that category?"

Honesty was more important in regards to this question than any other. "Unequivocally."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, not suspicious now but oddly concerned. She reached her hand across the table again, slowly and deliberately. I pulled my hands an inch away from her, but she ignored that, determined to touch me. I held my breath, not because of her scent now, but because of the sudden, overwhelming tension. Fear. My skin would disgust her. She would run away.

She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand. The heat of her gentle, willing touch was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It was almost pure pleasure. Would have been - except for my fear. I watched her face as she felt the cold stone of my skin, still unable to breathe.

A half-smile turned up the corners of her lips.

"Thank you," she said, meeting my stare with an intense gaze of her own. "That's twice now."

Her soft fingers lingered on my hand as if they found it pleasant to be there.

I answered her as casually as I was able. "Let's not try for three, agreed?"

She grimaced at that but nodded.

I pulled my hands out from under hers. As exquisite as her touch felt, I wasn't going to wait for the magic of her tolerance to pass, to turn to revulsion. I hid my hands under the table.

I read her eyes; though her mind was silent, I could perceive both trust and wonder there. I realized in that moment that I _wanted _to answer her questions. Not because I owed it to her. Not because I wanted her to trust me.

I wanted her to _know _me.

"I followed you to Port Angeles," I told her, the words spilling out too quickly for me to edit them. I knew the danger of the truth, the risk I was taking at any moment, her unnatural calm could shatter into hysterics. Contrarily, knowing this only had me talking faster. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes."

I watched her, waiting.

She smiled. Her lips curved up at the edges, and her chocolate eyes warmed.

I'd just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling.

"Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, and that you've been interfering with fate?" she asked.

"That wasn't the first time," I said, staring down at the dark maroon table clothe, my shoulders bowed in shame. My barriers were down, the truth still spilled free recklessly. "Your number was up the first time I met you."

It was true, and it angered me. I had been positioned over her life like the blade of a guillotine. It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel, unjust fate, and - since I'd proven an unwilling tool - that same fate continued to try to execute her. I imagined the fate personified- a grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy.

I wanted something, someone, to be responsible for this so that I would have something concrete to fight against. Something, anything to destroy, so that Bella could be safe.

Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated.

I looked up at her, knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for. Had I not just admitted how close I'd been to killing her? Closer than the van that had come within slim inches of crushing her. And yet, her face was still calm, her eyes still tightened only with concern.

"You remember?" She had to remember that.

"Yes," she said, her voice level and grave. Her deep eyes were full of awareness.

She knew. She knew that I had wanted to murder her.

Where were the screams?

"And yet here you sit," I said, pointing out the inherent contradiction.

"Yes, here I sit…because of you." Her expression altered, turned curious, as she unsubtly changed the subject. "Because somehow you knew how to find me today…?"

Hopelessly, I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts, desperate to understand. It made no logical sense to me. How could she even care about the rest with that glaring truth on the table?

She waited, only curious. Her skin was pale, which was natural for her, but it still concerned me. Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her. If I continued to tell her too much, she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off.

I named my terms. "You eat. I'll talk."

She processed that for half a second and then threw a bite in her mouth with a speed that belied her calm. She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on.

"It's harder than it should be - keeping track of you," I told her. "Usually I can find someone very easily once I've heard their mind before."

I watched her face carefully as I said this. Guessing right was one thing, having it confirmed was another.

She was motionless, her eyes wide. I felt my teeth clench together as I waited for her panic.

But she just blinked once, swallowed loudly, and then quickly scooped another bite into her mouth. She wanted me to continue.

"I was keeping tabs on Jessica," I went on, watching each word as it sank in. "Not carefully - like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles-" I couldn't resist adding that. Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with near-death experiences, or did she think she was normal? She was the furthest thing from normal I'd ever encountered. "And at first I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized that you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn't gone in, and that you'd gone south…and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street, to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried…but I was strangely anxious…" My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic. Her scent blazed in my throat, and I was glad. It was a pain that meant she was alive. As long as I burned, she was safe.

"I started to drive in circles, still…listening." I hoped the word made sense to her. This had to be confusing. "The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out and follow you on foot. And then-"

As the memory took me - perfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the moment again - I felt the same murderous fury wash through my body, locking it into ice.

I wanted him dead. I needed him dead. My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated on holding myself here at the table. Bella still needed me. That was what mattered.

"Then what?" she whispered, her dark eyes wide.

"I heard what they were thinking," I said through my teeth, unable to keep the words from coming out in a growl. "I saw your face in his mind."

I could hardly resist the urge to kill. I still knew precisely where to find him. His black thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them…

I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, a killer. I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her face. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin - like silk stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter. She was too vulnerable for this world. She _needed _a protector. And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I was the closest thing available.

I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand.

"It was very…hard - you can't imagine how hard - for me to simply take you away, and leave them…alive," I whispered. "I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them."

For the second time tonight, I confessed to an intended murder. At least this one was defensible.

She was quiet as I struggled to control myself. I listened to her heartbeat. The rhythm was irregular, but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again. Her breathing, too, was low and even.

I was too close to the edge. I needed to get her home before.

Would I kill him, then? Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me? Was there any way to stop myself?

She'd promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone. Did I want to hear it? I was anxious for it, but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than not knowing?

At any rate, she must have had enough truth for one night.

I looked at her again, and her face was paler than before but composed.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked.

"I'm ready to leave," she said, choosing her words carefully, as if a simple 'yes' did not fully express what she wanted to say.

Frustrating.

The waitress returned. She'd heard Bella's last statement as she'd dithered on the other side of the partition, wondering what more she could offer me. I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she'd had in mind.

"How are we doing?" she asked me.

"We're ready for the check, thank you," I told her, my eyes on Bella.

The waitress's breathing spiked, and she was momentarily - to use Bella's phrasing - dazzled by my voice.

In a sudden moment of perception, hearing the way my voice sounded in this inconsequential human's head, I realized why I seemed to be attracting so much admiration tonight - unmarred by the usual fear.

It was because of Bella. Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening, to be _human, _I truly had lost my edge. The other humans saw only beauty now, with my innate horror so carefully under control.

I looked up at the waitress, waiting for her to recover herself. It was sort of humorous, now that I understood the reason.

"Sure," she stuttered. "Here you go."

She handed me the folder with the bill, thinking of the card she'd slid in behind the receipt. A card with her name and telephone number on it.

Yes, it was rather funny.

I had money ready again. I gave the folder back at once, so she wouldn't waste any time waiting for a call that would never come.

"No change," I told her, hoping the size of the tip would assuage her disappointment.

I stood, and Bella quickly followed suit. I wanted to offer her my hand, but I thought that might be pushing my luck a little too far for one night. I thanked the waitress, my eyes never leaving Bella's face. Bella seemed to be finding something amusing, too.

We walked out; I walked as close beside her as I dared. Close enough that the warmth coming off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body. As I held the door for her, she sighed quietly, and I wondered what regret made her sad. I stared into her eyes, about to ask, when she suddenly looked at the ground, seeming embarrassed. It made me more curious, even as it made me reluctant to ask. The silence between us continued while I opened her door for her and then got into the car.

I turned the heater on - the warmer weather had come to an abrupt end; the cold car must be uncomfortable for her. She huddled in my jacket, a small smile on her lips.

I waited, postponing conversation until the lights of the boardwalk faded. It made me feel more alone with her.

Was that the right thing? Now that I was focused only on her, the car seemed very small. Her scent swirled through it with the current of the heater, building and strengthening. It grew into its own force, like another entity in the car. A presence that demanded recognition.

It had that; I burned. The burning was acceptable, though. It seemed strangely appropriate to me. I had been given so much tonight - more than I'd expected. And here she was, still willingly at my side. I owed something in return for that. A sacrifice. A burnt offering.

Now if I could just keep it to that; just burn and nothing more. But the venom filled my mouth, and my muscles tensed in anticipation as if I were hunting…

I had to keep such thoughts from my mind. And I knew what would distract me.

"Now," I said to her, fear of her response taking the edge off the burn. "It's your turn."

**10. Theory**

"Can I ask just one more?" she entreated instead of answering my demand.

I was on edge, anxious for the worst. And yet, how tempting it was to prolong this moment. To have Bella with me, willingly, for just a few seconds longer. I sighed at the dilemma and then said, "One."

"Well…," she hesitated for a moment as if deciding which question to voice. "You said you knew I hadn't gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south. I was just wondering how you knew that."

I glared out the windshield. Here was another question that revealed nothing on her part, and too much on mine.

"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," she said, her tone critical and disappointed.

How ironic. She was relentlessly evasive without even trying.

Well, she wanted me to be direct. And this conversation wasn't going anywhere good, regardless.

"Fine, then," I said. "I followed your scent."

I wanted to watch her face, but I was afraid of what I would see. Instead, I listened to her breath accelerate and then stabilize. She spoke again after a moment, and her voice was steadier than I would have expected.

"And then you didn't answer one of my first questions…" she said.

I looked down at her, frowning. She was stalling, too.

"Which one?"

"How does it work - the mind-reading thing?" she asked, reiterating her question from the restaurant. "Can you read anybody's mind, anywhere? How do you do it? Can the rest of your family…?" She trailed off, flushed again.

"That's more than one," I said.

She just looked at me, waiting for her answers.

And why not tell her? She'd already guessed most of this, and it was an easier subject than the one that loomed.

"No, it's just me. And I can't hear anyone, anywhere. I have to be fairly close. The more familiar someone's… 'voice' is, the farther away I can hear them. But still, no more than a few miles." I tried to think of a way to describe it so that she would understand. An analogy that she could relate to. "It's a little like being in a huge hall filled with people, everyone talking at once. It's just a hum- a buzzing of voices in the background. Until I focus on one voice, and then what they're thinking is clear. Most of the time I tune it all out. It can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem _normal,_" - I grimaced - "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words."

"Why do you think you can't hear me?" she wondered.

I gave her another truth and another analogy.

"I don't know," I admitted. "The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn't work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency, and I'm only getting FM."

I realized that she would not like this analogy. The anticipation of her reaction had me smiling. She didn't disappoint.

"My mind doesn't work right?" she asked, her voice rising with chagrin. "I'm a freak?"

Ah, the irony again.

"I hear voices in my mind, and you're worried that _you're _the freak." I laughed. She understood all the small things, and yet the big ones she got backwards. Always the wrong instincts…

Bella was gnawing on her lip, and the crease between her eyes was etched deep.

"Don't worry," I reassured her. "It's just a theory…" And there was a more important theory to be discussed. I was anxious to get it over with. Each passing second was beginning to feel more and more like borrowed time.

"Which brings us back to you," I said, divided in two, both anxious and reluctant.

She sighed, still chewing her lip. I worried that she would hurt herself. She stared into my eyes, her face troubled.

"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" I asked quietly.

She looked down, struggling with some internal dilemma. Suddenly, she stiffened and her eyes flew wide open. Fear flashed across her face for the first time.

"Holy crow!" she gasped.

I panicked. What had she seen? How had I frightened her?

Then she shouted, "Slow down!"

"What's wrong?" I didn't understand where her terror was coming from.

"You're going a hundred miles an hour!" she yelled at me. She flashed a look out the window and recoiled from the dark trees racing past us.

This little thing, just a bit of speed, had her shouting in fear?

I rolled my eyes. "Relax, Bella."

"Are you trying to kill us?" she demanded, her voice high and tight.

"We're not going to crash," I promised her.

She sucked in a sharp breath, and then spoke in a slightly more level tone. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"I always drive like this."

I met her gaze, amused by her shocked expression.

"Keep your eyes on the road!" she shouted.

"I've never been in an accident, Bella. I've never even gotten a ticket." I grinned at her and touched my forehead. It made it even more comical - the absurdity of being able to joke with her about something so secret and strange. "Built in radar detector."

"Very funny," she said sarcastically, her voice more frightened than angry. "Charlie's a cop, remember? I was raised to abide by traffic laws. Besides, if you turn us into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away."

"Probably," I repeated and then laughed without humor. Yes, we would fare quite differently in a car accident. She was right to be afraid, despite my driving abilities… "But you can't."

With a sigh, I let the car drift to a crawl. "Happy?"

She eyed the speedometer. "Almost."

Was this still too fast for her? "I hate driving slow," I muttered but let the needle slide another notch down.

"This is slow?" she asked.

"Enough commentary on my driving," I said impatiently. How many times had she dodged my question now? Three times? Four? Were her speculations that horrific? I had to know - immediately. "I'm still waiting for your latest theory."

She bit her lip again, and her expression became upset, almost pained.

I reigned in my impatience and softened my voice. I didn't want her to be distressed.

"I won't laugh," I promised, wishing that it was only embarrassment that made her unwilling to talk.

"I'm more afraid that you'll be angry with me," she whispered.

I forced my voice to stay even. "Is it that bad?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

She looked down, refusing to meet my eyes. The seconds passed.

"Go ahead," I encouraged.

Her voice was small. "I don't know how to start."

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" I remembered her words before dinner. "You said you didn't come up with this on your own."

"No," she agreed, and then was silent again.

I thought about things that might have inspired her. "What got you started - a book? A movie?"

I should have looked through her collections when she was out of the house. I had no idea if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice was there in her stack of warn paperbacks…

"No," she said again. "It was Saturday, at the beach."

I hadn't expected that. The local gossip about us had never strayed into anything too bizarre - or too precise. Was there a new rumor I'd missed? Bella peeked up from her hands and saw the surprise on my face.

"I ran into an old family friend - Jacob Black," she went on. "His dad and Charlie have been friends since I was a baby."

Jacob Black - the name was not familiar, yet it reminded me of something… some _time,_ long ago… I stared out of the windshield, flipping through memories to find the connection.

"His dad is one of the Quileute elders," she said.

Jacob Black. _Ephraim Black. _A descendant, no doubt.

It was as bad as it could get.

She knew the truth.

My mind was flying through the ramifications as the car flew around the dark curves in the road, my body rigid with anguish - motionless except for the small, automatic actions it took to steer the car.

She knew the truth.

But…if she'd learned the truth Saturday… then she'd known it all evening long…and yet…

"We went for a walk," she went on. "And he was telling me about some old legends, trying to scare me, I think. He told me one…"

She stopped short, but there was no need for her qualms now; I knew what she was going to say. The only mystery left was why she was here with me now.

"Go on," I said.

"About vampires," she breathed, the words less than a whisper.

Somehow, it was even worse than knowing that she knew, hearing her speak the word aloud. I flinched at the sound of it and then controlled myself again.

"And you immediately thought of me?" I asked.

"No. He…mentioned your family."

How ironic that it would be Ephraim's own progeny that would violate the treaty he'd vowed to uphold. A grandson, or great-grandson perhaps. How many years had it been? Seventy?

I should have realized that it was not the old men who _believed _in the legends that would be the danger. Of course, the younger generation - those who would have been warned, but would have thought the ancient superstitions laughable - of course that was where the danger of exposure would lie.

I supposed this meant I was now free to slaughter the small, defenseless tribe on the coastline, were I so inclined. Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead…

"He just thought it was a silly superstition," Bella said suddenly, her voice edged with a new anxiety. "He didn't expect me to think anything of it."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her twist her hands uneasily.

"It was my fault," she said after a brief pause, and then she hung her head as if she were ashamed. "I forced him to tell me."

"Why?" It wasn't so hard to keep my voice level now. The worst was already done. As long as we spoke of the details of the revelation, we didn't have to move on to the consequences of it.

"Lauren said something about you - she was trying to provoke me." She made a little face at the memory. I was slightly distracted, wondering how Bella would be provoked by someone talking about me… "And an older boy from the tribe said your family didn't come to the reservation, only it sounded like he meant something different. So I got Jacob alone, and I tricked it out of him."

Her head dropped even lower as she admitted this, and her expression looked…guilty.

I looked away from her and laughed out loud. _She _felt guilty? What could she possibly have done to deserve censure of any kind?

"Tricked him how?" I asked.

"I tried to flirt - it worked better than I thought it would," she explained, and her voice turned incredulous at the memory of the success.

I could just imagine - considering the attraction she seemed to have for all things male, totally unconscious on her part - how overwhelming she would be when she _tried _to be attractive. I was suddenly full of pity for the unsuspecting boy she'd unleashed such a potent force on.

"I'd like to have seen that," I said and then laughed again with the black humor. I wished I could have heard the boy's reaction, witnessed the devastation for myself. "And you accused me of dazzling people - poor Jacob Black."

I wasn't as angry with the source of my exposure as I would have expected to feel. He didn't know better. And how could I expect anyone to deny this girl what she wanted? No, I only felt sympathy for the damage she would have done to his peace of mind.  
I felt her blush heat the air between us. I glanced at her, and she was staring out her window. She didn't speak again.

Time to get back to the horror story. "What did you do then?" I prompted.

"I did some research on the Internet."

Ever practical. "And did that convince you?"

"No," she said. "Nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then-"

She broke off again, and I heard her teeth lock together.

"What?" I demanded. What had she found? What had made sense of the nightmare for her?

There was a short pause, and then she whispered, "I decided it didn't matter."

Shock froze my thoughts for a half-second, and then it all fit together. Why she'd sent her friends away tonight rather than escape with them. Why she had gotten into my car with me again instead of running, screaming to the police…

Her reactions were always wrong - always completely wrong. She pulled danger toward herself. She invited it.

"It didn't _matter_?" I said through my teeth, anger filling me. How was I supposed to protect someone so…so…so determined to be unprotected?

"No," she said in a low voice that was inexplicably tender. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."

She was impossible.

"You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not _human_?"

"No."

I started to wonder if she was entirely stable.

I supposed that I could arrange for her to receive the best care available … Carlisle would have the connections to find her the most skilled doctors, the most talented therapists. Perhaps something could be done to fix whatever was wrong with her, whatever made her content to sit beside a vampire with her heart beating calmly and steadily. I would watch over the facility, naturally, and visit as often as I was allowed…

"You're angry," she sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything."

As if her hiding these disturbing tendencies would help either of us.

"No. I'd rather know what you're thinking - even if what you're thinking is insane."

"So I'm wrong again?" she asked, a bit belligerent now.

"That's not what I was referring to!" My teeth clenched together again. "'It doesn't matter'!" I repeated in a scathing tone.

She gasped. "I'm right?"

"Does it _matter_?" I countered.

She took a deep breath. I waited angrily for her answer.

"Not really," she said, her voice composed again. "But I _am _curious."

Not really. It didn't really matter. She didn't care. She knew I was inhuman, a monster, and this didn't really matter to her.

Aside from my worries about her sanity, I began to feel a swelling of hope. I tried to squash it.

"What are you curious about?" I asked her. There were no secrets left, only minor details.

"How old are you?" she asked.

My answer was automatic and ingrained. "Seventeen."

"And how long have you been seventeen?"

I tried not to smile at the patronizing tone. "A while," I admitted.

"Okay," she said, abruptly enthusiastic. She smiled up at me. When I stared back, anxious again about her mental health, she smiled wider. I grimaced.

"Don't laugh," she warned. "But how can you come out during the daytime?"

I laughed despite her request. Her research had not netted her anything unusual, it seemed. "Myth," I told her.

"Burned by the sun?"

"Myth."

"Sleeping in coffins?"

"Myth."

Sleep had not been a part of my life for so long - not until these last few nights, as I'd watched Bella dreaming…

"I can't sleep," I murmured, answering her question more fully.

She was silent for a moment.

"At all?" she asked.

"Never," I breathed.

I stared into her eyes, wide under the thick fringe of lashes, and yearned for sleep. Not for oblivion, as I had before, not to escape boredom, but because I wanted to _dream. _Maybe, if I could be unconscious, if I could dream, I could live for a few hours in a world where she and I could be together. She dreamed of me. I wanted to dream of her.

She stared back at me, her expression full of wonder. I had to look away.

I could not dream of her. She should not dream of me.

"You haven't asked me the most important question yet," I said, my silent chest colder and harder than before. She had to be forced to understand. At some point, she would have to realize what she was doing now. She must be made to see that this all _did _matter - more than any other consideration. Considerations like the fact that I loved her.

"Which one is that?" she asked, surprised and unaware.

This only made my voice harder. "You aren't concerned about my diet?"

"Oh. That." She spoke in a quiet tone that I couldn't interpret.

"Yes, that. Don't you want to know if I drink blood?"

She cringed away from my question. Finally. She was understanding.

"Well, Jacob said something about that," she said.

"What did Jacob say?"

"He said you didn't…hunt people. He said your family wasn't supposed to be dangerous because you only hunted animals."

"He said we weren't dangerous?" I repeated cynically.

"Not exactly," she clarified. "He said you weren't _supposed _to be dangerous. But the Quileutes still didn't want you on their land. Just in case."

I stared at the road, my thoughts in a hopeless snarl, my throat aching with the familiar fiery thirst.

"So, was he right?" she asked, as calmly as if she were confirming a weather report. "About not hunting people?"

"The Quileutes have a long memory."

She nodded to herself, thinking hard.

"Don't let that make you complacent, though," I said quickly. "They're right to keep their distance from us. We are still dangerous."

"I don't understand."

No, she didn't. How to make her see?

"We try," I told her. "We're usually very good at what we do. Sometimes we make mistakes. Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you."

Her scent was still a force in the car. I was growing used to it, I could almost ignore it, but there was no denying that my body still yearned toward her for the wrong reason. My mouth was swimming with venom.

"This is a mistake?" she asked, and there was heartbreak in her voice. The sound of it disarmed me. She wanted to be with me. Despite everything, she wanted to be with me.

Hope swelled again, and I beat it back.

"A very dangerous one," I told her truthfully, wishing the truth could really somehow cease to matter.

She didn't respond for a moment. I heard her breathing change - it hitched in strange ways that did not sound like fear.

"Tell me more," she said suddenly, her voice distorted by anguish.

I examined her carefully.

She was in pain. How had I allowed _this_?

"What more do you want to know?" I asked, trying to think of a way to keep her from hurting. She should not hurt. I couldn't let her be hurt.

"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," she said, still anguished.

Wasn't it obvious? Or maybe this didn't matter to her either.

"I don't _want _to be a monster," I muttered.

"But animals aren't enough?"

I searched for another comparison, a way that she could understand. "I can't be sure, of course, but I'd compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves vegetarians, our little inside joke. It doesn't completely satiate the hunger - or rather thirst. But it keeps us strong enough to resist. Most of the time." My voice got lower; I was ashamed of the danger I had allowed her to be in. Danger I continued to allow… "Sometimes it's more difficult than others."

"Is it very difficult for you now?"

I sighed. Of course she would ask the question I didn't want to answer. "Yes," I admitted.

I expected her physical response correctly this time: her breathing held steady, her heart kept its even pattern. I expected it, but I did not understand it. How could she not be afraid?

"But you're not hungry now," she declared, perfectly sure of herself.

"Why do you think that?"

"Your eyes," she said, her tone offhand. "I told you I had a theory. I've noticed that people - men in particular - are crabbier when they're hungry."

I chuckled at her description: _crabby. _There was an understatement. But she was dead right, as usual. "You are observant, aren't you?" I laughed again.

She smiled a little, the crease returning between her eyes as if she were concentrating on something.

"Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett?" she asked after my laugh had faded. The casual way she spoke was as fascinating as it was frustrating. Could she really accept so much in stride? I was closer to shock than she seemed to be.

"Yes," I told her, and then, as I was about to leave it at that, I felt the same urge I'd had in the restaurant: I wanted her to know me. "I didn't want to leave," I went on slowly, "but it was necessary. It's a bit easier to be around you when I'm not thirsty."

"Why didn't you want to leave?"

I took a deep breath and then turned to meet her gaze. This kind of honesty was difficult in a very different way.

"It makes me…anxious," I supposed that word would suffice, though it wasn't strong enough, "to be away from you. I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you. And after what happened tonight, I'm surprised that you did make it through a whole weekend unscathed." Then I remembered the scrapes on her palms. "Well, not totally unscathed," I amended.

"What?"

"Your hands," I reminded her.

She sighed and grimaced. "I fell."

I'd guessed right. "That's what I thought," I said, unable to contain my smile. "I suppose, being you, it could have been much worse - and that possibility tormented me the entire time I was away. It was a very long three days. I really got on Emmett's nerves." Honestly, that didn't belong in the past tense. I was probably still irritating Emmett, and all the rest of my family, too. Except Alice…

"Three days?" she asked, her voice suddenly sharp. "Didn't you just get back today?"

I didn't understand the edge in her voice. "No, we got back Sunday."

"Then why weren't any of you in school?" she demanded. Her irritation confused me. She didn't seem to realize that this question was one that related to mythology again.

"Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesn't," I said. "But I can't go out in the sunlight, at least, not where anyone can see."

That distracted her from her mysterious annoyance. "Why?" she asked, leaning her head to one side.

I doubted I could come up with the appropriate analogy to explain this one. So I just told her, "I'll show you sometime." And then I wondered if this was a promise I would end up breaking. Would I see her again after tonight? Did I love her enough yet to be able to bear leaving her?

"You might have called me," she said.

What an odd conclusion. "But I knew you were safe."

"But _I _didn't know where _you _were. I-" she came to an abrupt stop and looked at her hands.

"What?"

"I didn't like it," she said shyly, the skin over her cheekbones warming. "Not seeing you. It makes me anxious, too."

_Are you _happy _now? _I demanded of myself. Well, here was my reward for hoping.

I was bewildered, elated, horrified - mostly horrified - to realize that all my wildest imaginings were not so far off the mark. This was why it didn't matter to her that I was a monster. It was exactly the same reason that the rules no longer mattered to me. Why right and wrong were no longer compelling influences. Why all my priorities had shifted one rung down to make room for this girl at the very top.

Bella cared for me, too.

I knew it could be nothing in comparison to how I loved her. But it was enough for her to risk her life to sit here with me. To do so gladly.

Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her.

Was there anything I could do now that would _not _hurt her? Anything at all?

I should have stayed away. I should never have come back to Forks. I would cause her nothing but pain.

Would that stop me from staying now? From making it worse?

The way I felt right now, feeling her warmth against my skin…

No. Nothing would stop me.

"Ah," I groaned to myself. "This is wrong."

"What did I say?" she asked, quick to take the blame on herself.

"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved. I don't want to hear that you feel that way." It was the truth. It was a lie. The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge that she wanted me as I wanted her. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella-please, grasp that."

"No." Her lips pouted out petulantly.

"I'm serious." I was battling with myself so strongly - half desperate for her to accept, half desperate to keep the warnings from escaping - that the words came through my teeth as a growl.

"So am I," she insisted. "I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."

Too late? The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bella's sleeping form in my memory. Inevitable, unstoppable. They stole the color from her skin, and plunged her into darkness.

Too late? Alice's vision swirled in my head, Bella's blood red eyes staring back at me impassively. Expressionless - but there was no way that she could _not _hate me for that future. Hate me for stealing everything from her. Stealing her life and her soul.

It could not be too late.

"Never say that," I hissed.

She stared out her window, and her teeth bit into her lip again. Her hands were balled into tight fists in her lap. Her breathing hitched and broke.

"What are you thinking?" I had to know.

She shook her head without looking at me. I saw something glisten, like a crystal, on her cheek.

Agony. "Are you crying?" I'd made her _cry. _I'd hurt her that much.

She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand.

"No," she lied, her voice breaking.

Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward her - in that one second, I felt more human than I ever had. And then I remembered that I was…not. And I lowered my hand.

"I'm sorry," I said, my jaw locked. How could I ever tell her how sorry I was? Sorry for all the stupid mistakes I'd made. Sorry for my never-ending selfishness. Sorry that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first, tragic love of mine. Sorry also for the things beyond my control- that I'd been the monster chosen by fate to end her life in the first place.

I took a deep breath - ignoring my wretched reaction to the flavor in the car - and tried to collect myself.

I wanted to change the subject to think of something else. Lucky for me, my curiosity about the girl was insatiable. I always had a question.

"Tell me something," I said.

"Yes?" she asked huskily, tears still in her voice.

"What were you thinking tonight just before I came around the corner? I couldn't understand your expression-you didn't look that scared, you looked like you were concentrating very hard on something." I remembered her face - forcing myself to forget whose eyes I was looking through - the look of determination there.

"I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker," she said, her voice more composed. "You know, self-defense. I was going to smash his nose into his brain." Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation. Her tone twisted until it seethed with hate. This was no hyperbole, and her kittenish fury was not humorous now. I could see her frail figure - just silk over glass - overshadowed by the meaty, heavy-fisted human monsters who would have hurt her. The fury boiled in the back of my head.

"You were going to fight them?" I wanted to groan. Her instincts were deadly - to herself. "Didn't you think about running?"

"I fall down a lot when I run," she said sheepishly.

"What about screaming for help?"

"I was getting to that part."

I shook my head in disbelief. How had she managed to stay alive before she'd come to Forks?  
"You were right," I told her, a sour edge to my voice. "I'm definitely fighting fate trying to keep you alive."

She sighed and glanced out the window. Then she looked back at me.

"Will I see you tomorrow?" she demanded abruptly.

As long as I was on my way to hell, I might as well enjoy the journey.

"Yes - I have a paper due, too." I smiled at her, and it felt good to do this. "I'll save you a seat at lunch."

Her heart fluttered; my dead heart suddenly felt warmer.

I stopped the car in front of her father's house. She made no move to leave me.

"Do you _promise _to be there tomorrow?" she insisted.

"I promise."

How could doing the wrong thing give me so much happiness? Surely there was something amiss in that.

She nodded to herself, satisfied, and started to remove my jacket.

"You can keep it," I assured her quickly. I rather wanted to leave her with something of myself. A token, like the bottle cap that was in my pocket now… "You don't have a jacket for tomorrow."

She handed it back to me, smiling ruefully. "I don't want to have to explain to Charlie," she told me.

I would imagine not. I smiled at her. "Oh, right."

She put her hand on the door handle and then stopped. Unwilling to leave, just as I was unwilling for her to go.

To have her unprotected, even for a few moments…

Peter and Charlotte were well on their way by now, long past Seattle, no doubt. But there were always others. This world was not a safe place for any human, and for her it seemed to be more dangerous than it was for the rest.

"Bella?" I asked, surprised at the pleasure there was in simply speaking her name.

"Yes?"

"Will you promise me something?"

"Yes," she agreed easily, and then her eyes tightened as if she'd thought of a reason to object.

"Don't go into the woods alone," I warned her, wondering if this request would trigger the objection in her eyes.

She blinked, startled. "Why?"

I glowered into the untrustworthy darkness. The lack of light was no problem for _my _eyes, but neither would it trouble another hunter. It only blinded humans.

"I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there," I told her. "Let's leave it at that."

She shivered but recovered quickly and was even smiling when she told me, "Whatever you say."

Her breath touched my face, so sweet and fragrant.

I could stay here all night like this, but she needed her sleep. The two desires seemed equally strong as they continually warred inside me; wanting her versus wanting her to be safe.

I sighed at the impossibilities. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said, knowing that I would see her much sooner than that. She wouldn't see _me _until tomorrow, though.

"Tomorrow, then," she agreed as she opened her door.

Agony again, watching her leave.

I leaned after her, wanting to hold her here. "Bella?"

She turned, and then froze, surprised to find our faces so close together.

I, too, was overwhelmed by the proximity. The heat rolled off her in waves, caressing my face. I could all but feel the silk of her skin…

Her heartbeat stuttered, and her lips fell open.

"Sleep well," I whispered and leaned away before the urgency in my body - either the familiar thirst or the very new and strange hunger I suddenly felt - could make me do something that might hurt her.

She sat there motionless for a moment, her eyes wide and stunned. Dazzled, I guessed.

As was I.

She recovered - though her face was still a bit bemused - and half fell out of the car, tripping over her feet and having to catch the frame of the car to right herself.

I chuckled - hopefully it was too quiet for her to hear.

I watched her stumble her way up to the pool of light that surrounded the front door. Safe for the moment. And I would be back soon to make sure.

I could feel her eyes follow me as I drove down the dark street. Such a different sensation than I was accustomed to. Usually, I could simply _watch_ myself through someone's following eyes, were I of a mind to. This was strangely exciting - this intangible sensation of watching eyes. I knew it was just because they were _her _eyes.

A million thoughts chased each other through my head as I drove aimlessly into the night.

For a long time I circled through the streets, going nowhere, thinking of Bella and the incredible release of having the truth known. No longer did I have to dread that she would find out what I was. She knew. It didn't matter to her. Even though this was obviously a bad thing for her, it was amazingly liberation for me.

More than that, I thought of Bella and requited love. She couldn't love me the way I loved her; such an overpowering, all-consuming, crushing love would probably break her fragile body. But she felt strongly enough. Enough to subdue the instinctive fear. Enough to want to be with me. And being with her was the greatest happiness I had ever known.

For a while - as I was all alone and hurting no one else for a change - I allowed myself to feel that happiness without dwelling on the tragedy. Just to be happy that she cared for me. Just to exult in the triumph of winning her affection. Just to imagine day after day of sitting close to her, hearing her voice and earning her smiles.

I replayed that smile in my head, seeing her full lips pull up at the corners, the hint of a dimple that touched her pointed chin, the way her eyes warmed and melted… Her fingers had felt so warm and soft on my hand tonight. I imagined how it would feel to touch the delicate skin that stretched over her cheekbones - silky, warm…so fragile. Silk over glass…frighteningly breakable.

I didn't see where my thoughts were leading until it was too late. As I dwelt on that devastating vulnerability, new images of her face intruded on my fantasies.

Lost in the shadows, pale with fear - yet her jaw tight and determined, her eyes fierce, full of concentration, her slim body braced to strike at the hulking forms that gathered around her, nightmares in the gloom…

"Ah," I groaned as the simmering hate that I'd all but forgotten in the joy of loving her burst again into an inferno of rage.

I was alone. Bella was, I trusted, safe inside her home; for a moment, I was fiercely glad that Charlie Swan - head of the local law enforcement, trained and armed - was her father. That ought to mean something, provide some shelter for her.

She was safe. It would not take me so very long to avenge the insult…

No. She deserved better. I could not allow her to care for a murderer.

But… what about the others?

Bella was safe, yes. Angela and Jessica were also, surely, safe in their beds.

Yet a monster was loose in the streets of Port Angeles. A human monster - did that make him the humans' problem? To commit the murder I ached to commit was wrong. I knew that. But leaving him free to attack again could not be the right thing either.

The blond hostess from the restaurant. The waitress I'd never really looked at. Both had irritated me in a trivial way, but that did not mean they deserved to be in danger.

Either one of them might be somebody's Bella.

That realization decided me.

I turned the car north, accelerating now that I had a purpose. Whenever I had a problem that was beyond me - something tangible like this - I knew where I could go for help.

Alice was sitting on the porch, waiting for me. I pulled to a stop in front of the house rather than going around to the garage.

"Carlisle's in his study," Alice told me before I could ask.

"Thank you," I said, tousling her hair as I passed.

_Thank _you _for returning my call, _she thought sarcastically.

"Oh." I paused by the door, pulling out my phone and flipping it open. "Sorry. I didn't even check to see who it was. I was…busy."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, too. By the time I saw what was going to happen, you were on your way."

"It was close," I murmured.

_Sorry, _she repeated, ashamed of herself.

It was easy to be generous, knowing that Bella was fine. "Don't be. I know you can't catch everything. Now one expects you to be omniscient, Alice."

"Thanks."

"I almost asked you out to dinner tonight-did you catch that before I changed my mind?"

She grinned. "No, I missed that one, too. Wish I'd known. I would have come."

"What were you concentrating on, that you missed so much?"

_Jasper's thinking about our anniversary. _She laughed. _He's trying not to make a decision on my gift, but I think I have a pretty good idea…_

"You're shameless."

"Yep."

She pursed her lips, and stared up at me, a hint of accusation in her expression. _I paid better attention later. Are you going to tell them that she knows?  
_I sighed. "Yes. Later."

_I won't say anything. Do me a favor and tell Rosalie when I'm not around, okay?  
_I flinched. "Sure."

_Bella took it pretty well._

"Too well."

Alice grinned at me. _Don't underestimate Bella._

I tried to block the image I didn't want to see: Bella and Alice, best of friends.

Impatient now, I sighed heavily. I wanted to be through with the next part of the evening; I wanted it over with. But I was a little worried to leave Forks…

"Alice…" I began. She saw what I was planning to ask.

_She'll be fine tonight. I'm keeping a better watch now. She sort of needs twenty-four hour supervision, doesn't she?_

"At least."

"Anyway, you'll be with her soon enough."

I took a deep breath. The words were beautiful to me.

"Go on-get this done so you can be where you want to be," she told me.

I nodded and hurried up to Carlisle's room.

He was waiting for me, his eyes on the door rather than the thick book on his desk.

"I heard Alice tell you where to find me," he said and smiled.

It was a relief to be with him, to see the empathy and deep intelligence in his eyes. Carlisle would know what to do.

"I need help."

"Anything, Edward," he promised.

"Did Alice tell you what happened to Bella tonight?"

_Almost happened, _he amended.

"Yes, almost. I've got a dilemma, Carlisle. You see, I want…very much… to kill him." The words started to flow fast and passionate. "So much. But I know that would be wrong because it would be vengeance, not justice. All anger, no impartiality. Still, it can't be right to leave a serial rapist and killer wandering Port Angeles! I don't know the humans there, but I can't let someone else take Bella's place as his victim. Those other women-someone might feel about them the way I feel about Bella. Might suffer what I would have suffered if she'd been harmed. It's not right-"

His wide, unexpected smile stopped the rush of my words cold.

_She's very good for you, isn't she? So much compassion, so much control. I'm impressed._

"I'm not looking for compliments, Carlisle."

"Of course not. But I can't help my thoughts, can I?" He smiled again. "I'll take care of it. You can rest easy. No one else will be harmed in Bella's place."

I saw the plan in his head. It wasn't exactly what I wanted, it did not satisfy my craving for brutality, but I could see that it as the right thing.

"I'll show you where to find him," I said.

"Let's go."

He grabbed his black bag on the way. I would have preferred a more aggressive form of sedation - like a cracked skull - but I would let Carlisle do this his way.

We took my car. Alice was still on the steps. She grinned and waved as we drove away. I saw that she had looked ahead for me; we would have no difficulties.

The trip was very short on the dark, empty road. I left off my headlights to keep from attracting attention. It made me smile to think how Bella would have reacted to _this_ pace. I'd already been driving slower than usual - to prolong my time with her - when she'd objected.

Carlisle was thinking of Bella, too.

_I didn't foresee that she would be so good for him. That's unexpected. Perhaps this was somehow meant to be. Perhaps it served a higher purpose. Only…_

He pictured Bella with snow cold skin and blood red eyes and then flinched away from the image.

Yes. _Only. _Indeed. Because how could there be any good in destroying something so pure and lovely?

I glowered into the night, all the joy of the evening destroyed by his thoughts.

_Edward deserves happiness. He's _owed _it. _The fierceness of Carlisle's thoughts surprised me. _There must be a way._

I wished I could believe that - either one. But there was no higher purpose to what was happening to Bella. Just a vicious harpy, an ugly, bitter fate who could not bear for Bella to have the life she deserved.

I did not linger in Port Angeles. I took Carlisle to the dive where the creature named Lonnie was drowning his disappointment with his friends - two of whom had already passed out. Carlisle could see how hard it was for me to be so close - for me to hear the monster's thoughts and see his memories, memories of Bella mixed in with less fortunate girls whom no one could save now.

My breathing sped. I clenched the steering wheel.

_Go, Edward, _he told me gently. _I'll make the rest of them safe. You go back to Bella._

It was exactly the right thing to say. Her name was the only distraction that could mean anything to me now.

I left him in the car and ran back to Forks in a straight line through the sleeping forest. It took less time than the first journey in the speeding car. It was just minutes later that I scaled the side of her house and slid her window out of my way.

I sighed silently with relief. Everything was just as it should be. Bella was safe in her bed, dreaming, her wet hair tangled like seaweed across the pillow.

But, unlike most nights, she was curled into a small ball with the covers stretched taut around her shoulders. Cold, I guessed. Before I could settle into my usual seat, she shivered in her sleep, and her lips trembled.

I thought for a brief moment, and then I eased out into the hallway, exploring another part of her house for the first time.

Charlie's snores were loud and even. I could almost catch the edge of his dream. Something with the rush of water and patient expectation…fishing, maybe?

There, at the top of the stairs, was a promising looking cupboard. I opened it hopefully and found what I was looking for. I selected the thickest blanket from the tiny linen closet and took it back into her room. I would return it before she woke, and no one would be the wiser.

Holding my breath, I cautiously spread the blanket over her. She didn't react to the added weight. I returned to the rocking chair.

While I waited anxiously for her to warm up, I thought of Carlisle, wondering where he was now. I knew his plan would go smoothly. Alice had seen that.

Thinking of my father made me sigh. Carlisle gave me too much credit. I wished I was the person he thought me to be. That person, the one who deserved happiness, might hope to be worthy of this sleeping girl. How different things would be if I could be that Edward.

As I pondered this, a strange, uncalled image filled my head.

For one moment, the hag-faced fate I'd imagined, the one who sought Bella's destruction, was replaced by the most foolish and reckless of angels. A guardian angel-something Carlisle's version of me might have had. With a heedless smile on her lips, her sky-colored eyes full of mischief, the angel formed Bella in such a fashion that there was no way that I could possibly overlook her. A ridiculously potent scent to demand my attention, a silent mind to enflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless soul to earn my awe. Leave out the natural sense of self-preservation so that Bella could bear to be near me-and, finally, add a wide streak of appallingly bad luck.

With a careless laugh, the irresponsible angel propelled her fragile creation directly into my path, trusting blithely in my flawed morality to keep Bella alive.

In this vision, I was not Bella's sentence; she was my reward.

I shook my head at the fantasy of the unthinking angel. She was not much better than the harpy. I could not think well of a higher power that would behave in such a dangerous and stupid manner. At least the ugly fate I could fight against.

And I had no angel. They were reserved for the good-for people like Bella. So where was her angel through all this? Who was watching over her?

I laughed silently, startled, as I realized that, just now, I was filling that role.

A vampire angel- there was a stretch.

After about a half hour, Bella relaxed out of the tight ball. Her breathing got deeper, and she started to murmur. I smiled, satisfied. It was a small thing, but at least she was sleeping more comfortably tonight because I was here.

"Edward," she sighed, and she smiled, too.

I shoved tragedy aside for the moment and let myself be happy again.

**11. Interrogations**

CNN broke the story first.

I was glad it hit the news before I had to leave for school, anxious to hear how the humans would phrase the account, and what amount of attention it would garner. Luckily, it was a heavy news day. There was an earthquake in South America and a political kidnapping in the Middle East. So it ended up only earning a few seconds, a few sentences, and one grainy picture.

"Alonzo Calderas Wallace, suspected serial rapist and murderer wanted in the states of Texas and Oklahoma, was apprehended last night in Portland, Oregon thanks to an anonymous tip. Wallace was found unconscious in an alley early this morning, just a few yards from a police station. Officials are unable to tell us at this time whether he will be extradited to Houston or Oklahoma City to stand trial."

The picture was unclear, a mug shot, and he'd had a thick beard at the time of the photograph. Even if Bella saw it, she would probably not recognize him. I hoped she wouldn't; it would make her afraid needlessly.

"The coverage here in town will be light. It's too far away to be considered of local interest," Alice told me. "It was a good call to have Carlisle take him out of state."

I nodded. Bella didn't watch much TV regardless, and I'd never seen her father watching anything besides sports channels.

I'd done what I could. This monster no longer hunted, and I was not a murderer. Not recently, anyway. I'd been right to trust Carlisle as much as I still wished the monster had not gotten off quite so easily. I caught myself hoping he would be extradited to Texas, where the death penalty was so popular…

No. That didn't matter. I would put this behind me and concentrate on what was most important.

I'd left Bella's room less than an hour ago. I was already aching to see her again.

"Alice, do you mind-"

She cut me off. "Rosalie will drive. She'll act pissed, but you know she'll enjoy the excuse to show off her car." Alice trilled a laugh.

I grinned at her. "See you at school."

Alice sighed, and my grin became a grimace.

_I know, I know, _she thought._ Not yet. I'll wait until you're ready for Bella to know me. You should know, though, this isn't just me being selfish. Bella's going to like me too._

I didn't answer her as I hurried out the door. That was a different way of viewing the situation. Would Bella _want _to know Alice? To have a vampire for a girlfriend?

Knowing Bella… that idea probably wouldn't bother her in the slightest.

I frowned to myself. What Bella wanted and what was best for Bella were two very separate things.

I started to feel uneasy as I parked my car in Bella's driveway. The human adage said that things looked different in the morning - that things changed when you slept on them. Would I look different to Bella in the weak light of a foggy day? More sinister or less sinister than I had in the blackness of night? Had the truth sunk in while she slept? Would she finally be afraid?

Her dreams had been peaceful, though, last night. When she'd spoken my name, time and time again, she'd smiled. More than once she'd murmured a plea for me to stay. Would that mean nothing today?

I waited nervously, listening to the sounds of her inside the house - the fast, stumbling footsteps on the stairs, the sharp rip of a foil wrapper, the contents of the refrigerator crushing against each other when the door slammed. It sounded like she was in a hurry. Anxious to get to school? The thought made me smile, hopeful again.

I looked at the clock. I supposed that - taking in account the velocity her decrepit truck must limit her to - she _was_ running a little late.

Bella rushed out of the house, her book bag sliding off her shoulder, her hair coiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck. The thick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunching against the cold fog.

The long sweater was too big for her, unflattering. It masked her slender figure, turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble. I appreciated this almost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse she'd worn last night… the fabric had clung to her skin in such an appealing way, cut low enough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collar bones curled away from the hollow beneath her throat. The blue had flowed like water along the subtle shape of her body…

It was better - essential - that I kept my thoughts far, far way from that shape, so I was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore. I couldn't afford to make mistakes, and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the strange hungers that thoughts of her lips…her skin…her body… were shaking loose inside of me. Hungers that had evaded me for a hundred years. But I could not allow myself to think of touching her - because that was impossible.

I would break her.

Bella turned away from the door in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by my car without noticing it.

Then she skidded to a stop, her knees locking like a started colt's. Her bag slid further down her arm, and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car.

I got out, taking no care to move at human speed, and opening the passenger door for her. I would not try to deceive her anymore; when we were alone, at least, I would be myself.

She looked up at me, started again as I seemingly materialized out of the fog. And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else, and I was no longer afraid - or hopeful - that her feelings for me had changed in the course of the night. Warmth, wonder, fascination, all swimming in the melted chocolate of her eyes.

"Do you want to ride with me today?" I asked. Unlike dinner last night, I would let her choose. From now on, it must always be her choice.

"Yes, thank you," she murmured, climbing into my car without hesitation.

Would it ever cease to thrill me that I was the one she was saying yes to? I doubted it.

I flashed around the car, eager to join her. She showed no sign of being shocked by my sudden reappearance.

The happiness I felt when she sat beside me this way had no precedent. As much as I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family, despite the various entertainments and distractions the world had to offer, I had never been happy like this. Even knowing that it was wrong, that this couldn't possibly end well, could not keep the smile from my face for long.

My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat. I saw her eyeing it.

"I brought the jacket for you," I told her. This was my excuse, had I needed to provide one, for showing up uninvited this morning. It was cold. She had no jacket. Surely this was an acceptable form of chivalry. "I didn't want you to get sick or something."

"I'm not quite that delicate," she said, staring at my chest rather than my face as if she were hesitant to meet my eyes. But she put the coat on before I had to resort to commanding or coaxing.

"Aren't you?" I mutter to myself.

She stared out at the road as I accelerated toward the school. I could only stand the silence for a few seconds. I had to know what her thoughts were this morning. So much had changed between us since the last time the sun was up.

"What, no twenty questions today?" I asked, keeping it light again.

She smiled, seeming glad that I'd broached the subject. "Do my questions bother you?"

"Not as much as your reactions do," I told her honestly, smiling in response to her smile.

Her mouth turned down. "Do I react badly?"

"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly - it's unnatural." Not one scream so far. How could that be? "It makes me wonder what you're really thinking." Of course, everything she did or didn't do made me wonder that.

"I always tell you what I'm really thinking."

"You edit."

Her teeth pressed into her lip again. She didn't seem to notice when she did this - it was an unconscious response to tension. "Not very much."

Just those words were enough to have my curiosity raging. What did she purposefully keep from me?

"Enough to drive me insane," I said.

She hesitated and then whispered, "You don't want to hear it."

I had to think for a moment, run through our entire conversation last night, word for word, before I made the connection. Perhaps it took so much concentration because I couldn't imagine anything that I wouldn't want her to say to me. And then - because the tone of her voice was the same as last night; there was suddenly pain there again - I remembered. Once, I had asked her not to speak her thoughts. _Never say that,_ I'd all but snarled at her. I had made her cry…

Was this what she kept from me? The depth of her feelings about me? That my being a monster didn't matter to her, and that she thought it was too late for her to change her mind?

I was unable to speak because the joy and pain were to strong for words, the conflict between them too wild to allow for a coherent response. It was silent in the car except for the steady rhythms of her heart and lungs.

"Where's the rest of your family?" she asked suddenly.

I took a deep breath - registering the scent in the car with true pain for the first time; I was getting used to this, I realized with satisfaction - and forced myself to be casual again.

"They took Rosalie's car." I parked in the open spot next to the car in question. I hid my smile as I watched her eyes widen. "Ostentatious, isn't it?"

"Um, wow. If she has _that,_ why does she ride with you?"

Rosalie would have enjoyed Bella's reaction…if she were being objective about Bella, which probably wouldn't happen.

"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We _try_ to blend in."

"You don't succeed," she told me, and then she laughed a carefree laugh.

The blithe, wholly untroubled sound of her laughter warmed my hollow chest even as it made my head swim with doubt.

"So why did Rosalie drive today if it's more conspicuous?" she wondered.

"Hadn't you noticed? I'm breaking _all_ the rules now."

My answer should have been mildly frightening - so, of course, Bella smiled at it.

She didn't wait for me to open her door, just like last night. I had to feign normality here at school - so I couldn't move fast enough to prevent this - but she was just going to have to get used to being treated with more courtesy - and get used to it soon.

I walked as close to her as I dared, watching carefully for any sign that my proximity upset her. Twice, her hand twitched toward me, and then she would snatch it back. It _looked_ like she wanted to touch me… My breath sped.

"Why do you have cars like that at all? If you're looking for privacy?" she asked as we walked.

"An indulgence," I admitted. "We all like to drive fast."

"Figures," she mumbled, her tone sour.

She didn't look up to see my answering grin.

_Nuh-uh! I don't _believe_this! How the hell did Bella pull this off? I don't get it! Why?_

Jessica's mental boggling interrupted my thoughts. She was waiting for Bella, taking refuge from the rain under the edge of the cafeteria's roof, with Bella's winter jacket over her arm. Her eyes were wide with disbelief.

Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment. A faint pink touched her cheek when Bella registered Jessica's expression. The thoughts in Jessica's head _were _fairly clear on her face.

"Hey, Jessica. Thanks for remembering," Bella greeted her. She reached out for the jacket and Jessica handed it to her wordlessly.

I should be polite to Bella's friends, whether they were good friends or not. "Good morning, Jessica."

_Whoa…_

Jessica's eyes popped even wider. It was strange and amusing… and, honestly, a bit embarrassing… to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.

"Er…hi," Jessica mumbled, and her eyes flashed to Bella's face, full of significance. "I guess I'll see you in Trig."

_You are so going to spill. I'm not taking no for an answer. Details. I have to have details! Edward freaking CULLEN! Life is so unfair._

Bella's mouth twitched. "Yeah, I'll see you then."

Jessica's thoughts ran wild as she hurried to her first class, peeking back at us now and then.

_The whole story. I'm not accepting anything less. Did they plan to meet up last night? Are they dating? How long? How could she keep this a secret? Why would she want to? It can't be a casual thing - she has to be seriously into him. Is there any other option? I _will_ find out. I can't stand not knowing. I wonder if she's made out with him? Oh, swoon… _Jessica's thoughts were suddenly disjointed, and she let wordless fantasies swirl through her head. I winced at her speculations and not just because she'd replaced Bella with herself in the mental pictures.

It couldn't be like that. And yet I…I wanted…

I resisted making the admission, even to myself. How many wrong ways would I want Bella in? Which one would end up killing her?

I shook my head and tried to lighten up.

"What are you going to tell her?" I asked Bella.

"Hey!" she whispered fiercely. "I thought you couldn't read my mind!"

"I can't." I stared at her, surprised, trying to make sense of her words. Ah - we must have been thinking the same thing at the same time. Hmm…I rather liked that. "However," I told her, "I can read hers - she'll be waiting to ambush you in class."

Bella groaned and then let the jacket slide off her shoulders. I didn't realize that she was giving it back at first - I wouldn't have asked for it; I would rather she kept it…a token - so I was too slow to offer her my help. She handed me the jacket and put her arms through her own, without looking up to see that my hands were extended to assist. I frowned at that and then controlled my expression before she noticed it.

"So, what are you going to tell her?" I pressed.

"A little help? What does she want to know?"

I smiled and shook my head. I wanted to hear what she was thinking without a prompt. "That's not fair."

Her eyes tightened. "No, you not sharing what you know, now that's unfair."

Right - she didn't like double standards.

We got to the door of her class - where I would have to leave her; I wondered idly if Ms. Cope would be more accommodating about a switch in the schedule of my English class… I made myself focus. I could be fair.

"She wants to know if we're secretly dating," I said slowly. "And she wants to know how you feel about me."

Her eyes were wide - not started but ingenious now. They were open to me, readable. She was playing innocent.

"Yikes," she murmured. "What should I say?"

"Hmmm." She always tried to make me give away more than she did. I pondered how to respond.

A wayward strand of her hair, slightly damp from the fog, draped across her shoulder and curled around where her collar bone was hidden by the ridiculous sweater. It drew my eyes…. Pulled them across the other hidden lines…

I reached for it carefully, not touching her skin - the morning was chill enough without my touch - and twisted it back into place in her untidy bun so that it wouldn't distract me again. I remembered when Mike Newton had touched her hair, and my jaw flexed at the memory. She had flinched away from him then. Her reaction now was nothing the same; instead, there was a slight widening of her eyes, a rush of blood under her skin, and a sudden, uneven thumping of her heart.

I tried to hide my smile as I answer her question.

"I suppose you could say yes to the first…if you don't mind-," _her choice, always her choice_, "- it's easier than any other explanation."

"I don't mind," she whispered. Her heart had not found its normal rhythm yet.

"And as for her other question…" I couldn't hide my smile now. "Well, I'll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself."

Let Bella consider _that._ I held back my laugh as shock crossed her face.

I turned quickly before she could ask for any more answers. I had a difficult time not giving her whatever she asked for. And I wanted to hear _her_ thoughts, not mine.

"I'll see you at lunch," I called back to her over my shoulder, an excuse to check that she was still staring after me, wide-eyed. Her mouth was hanging open. I turned away again and laughed.

As I paced away, I was vaguely aware of the shocked and speculative thoughts that swirled around me - eyes bouncing back and forth between Bella's face and my retreating figure. I paid them little attention. I couldn't concentrate. It was hard enough to keep my feet moving at an acceptable speed as I crossed the soggy grass to my next class. I wanted to run - really run - so fast that I would disappear, so fast that it would feel like I was flying. Part of me was flying already.

I put the jacket on when I got to class, letting her fragrance swim thick around me. I would burn now - let the scent desensitize me - and then it would be easier to ignore it later, when I was with her again at lunch…

It was a good thing that my teachers no longer bothered to call on me. Today might have been the day that they would have caught me out, unprepared and answerless. My mind was in so many places this morning; only my body was in the classroom.

Of course I was watching Bella. That was becoming natural - as automatic as breathing. I heard her conversation with a demoralized Mike Newton. She quickly directed the conversation to Jessica, and I grinned so wide that Rob Sawyer, who sat at the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat, away from me.

_Ugh. Creepy._

Well, I hadn't lost it entirely.

I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching her refine her questions for Bella. I could barely wait for fourth period, ten times as eager and anxious as the curious human girl who wanted fresh gossip.

And I was also listening to Angela Weber.

I had not forgotten the gratitude I felt for her - for thinking nothing but kind things toward Bella in the first place and then for her help last night. So I waited through the morning, looking for something that she wanted. I assumed it would be easy; like any other human, there must be some bauble or toy she wanted particularly. Several, probably. I would deliver something anonymously and call us even.

But Angela proved almost as unaccommodating as Bella with her thoughts. She was oddly content for a teenager. Happy. Perhaps this was the reason for her unusual kindness - she was one of those rare people who had what they wanted. _Or wanted what they had._ If she wasn't paying attention to her teachers and her notes, she was thinking of the twin little brothers she was taking to the beach this weekend - anticipating their excitement with an almost maternal pleasure. She cared for them often but was not resentful of this fact… It was very sweet.

But not really helpful to me.

There had to be something she wanted. I would just have to keep looking. But later. It was time for Bella's trig class with Jessica.

I wasn't watching where I was going as I made my way to English. Jessica was already in her seat, both her feet tapping impatiently against the floor as she waited for Bella to arrive.

Conversely, once I settled into my assigned seat in the classroom, I became utterly still. I had to remind myself to fidget now and then. To keep up the charade. It was difficult, my thoughts were so focused on Jessica's. I hoped she would pay attention, really try to read Bella's face for me.

Jessica's tapping intensified when Bella walked into the room.

_She looks…glum. Why? Maybe there's nothing going on with Edward Cullen. That would be a disappointment. Except…then he's still available… If he's suddenly interested in dating, I don't mind helping out with that…_

Bella's face didn't look glum; it looked reluctant. She was worried - she knew I would hear all of this. I smiled to myself.

_"Tell me everything!" _Jess demanded while Bella was still removing her jacket to hang it on the back of her seat. She was moving with deliberation, unwilling.

_Ugh, she's so slow. Let's get to the juicy stuff!_

_ "What do you want to know?"_ Bella stalled as she took her seat.

_"What happened last night?"_

_ "He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home."_

_ And then? C'mon, there has to be more than that! She's lying anyway, I know that. I'm going to call her on it._

_ "How did you get home so fast?"_

I watched Bella roll her eyes at the suspicious Jessica.

_"He drives like a maniac. It was terrifying."_

She smiled a tiny smile, and I laughed out loud, interrupting Mr. Mason's announcements. I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one was fooled. Mr. Mason shot me an irritated look, but I didn't even bother to listen to the thought behind it. I was hearing Jessica.

_Huh. She sounds like she's telling the truth. Why is she making me pull this out of her, word by word? I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me._

_ "Was it like a date - did you tell him to meet you there?"_

Jessica watched surprise cross Bella's expression and was disappointed at how genuine it seemed.

_"No - I was very surprised to see him there," _Bella told her.

_What is going on?? "But he picked you up for school today?" There has to be more to the story._

_ "Yes - that was a surprise, too. He noticed I didn't have a jacket last night."_

_ That's not very much fun, _Jessica thought, disappointed again.

I was tired of her line of questioning - I wanted to hear something I didn't already know. I hoped she wasn't so dissatisfied that she would skip the questions I was waiting for.

_"So are you going out again?" _Jessica demanded.

_"He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks my truck isn't up to it - does that count?"_

_ Hmm. He sure is going out of his way to…well, take care of her, sort of. There must be something there on his side, if not on hers. How could THAT be? Bella's crazy._

_ "Yes," _Jessica answered Bella's question.

_"Well, then," _Bella concluded. _"Yes."_

_ "Wow…Edward Cullen." Whether she likes him or not, this is major._

_ "I know," _Bella sighed.

The tone of her voice encouraged Jessica. _Finally - she sounds like she gets it! She must realize…_

_ "Wait!" _Jessica said, suddenly remembering her most vital question. _"Has he kissed you?" Please say yes. And then describe every second!_

_ "No," _Bella mumbled, and then she looked down at her hands, her face falling. _"It's not like that."_

_ Damn. I wish… Ha. Looks like she does too._

I frowned. Bella did look upset about something, but it couldn't be disappointment like Jessica assumed. She couldn't want that. Not knowing what she knew. She couldn't want to be that close to my _teeth. _For all she knew, I had fangs.

I shuddered.

_"Do you think Saturday…?" _Jessica prodded.

Bella looked even more frustrated as she said, _"I really doubt it."_

_ Yeah, she does wish. That sucks for her._

Was it because I was watching all this through the filter of Jessica's perceptions that it seemed like Jessica was right?

For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would be like to try to kiss her. My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk…

And then she dies.

I shook my head, wincing, and made myself pay attention.

_ "What did you talk about?" Did you talk to him, or did you make him drag every ounce of information out of you like this?_

I smiled ruefully. Jessica wasn't far off.

_"I don't know, Jess, lots of stuff. We talked about the English essay a little."_

A very little. I smiled wider.

_Oh, come ON. "Please, Bella! Give me some details."_

Bella deliberated for a moment.

_"Well…okay, I've got one. You should have seen the waitress flirting with him - it was over the top. But he didn't pay any attention to her at all."_

What a strange detail to share. I was surprised Bella had even noticed. It seemed a very inconsequential thing.

_Interesting… "That's a good sign. Was she pretty?"_

Hmm. Jessica thought more of it than I did. Must be a female thing.

_"Very," _Bella told her, _"And probably nineteen or twenty."_

Jessica was momentarily distracted by a memory of Mike on her date Monday night - Mike being a little too friendly with a waitress who Jessica did not consider pretty at all. She shoved the memory away and returned, stifling her irritation, to her quest for details.

_"Even better. He must like you."_

_ "I _think_ so," _Bella said slowly, and I was on the edge of my seat, my body rigidly still. _"But it's hard to tell. He's always so cryptic."_

I must not have been as transparently obvious and out of control as I'd thought. Still…observant as she was… How could she not realize that I was in love with her? I sifted through our conversation, almost surprised that I hadn't said the words out loud. It had felt like that knowledge had been the subtext of every word between us.

_Wow. How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation? "I don't know how you're brave enough to be alone with him," _Jessica said.

Shock flashed across Bella's face. _"Why?"_

_ Weird reaction. What does she think I meant? "He's so…" What's the right word? "Intimidating. I wouldn't know what to say to him." I couldn't even speak English to him today, and all he said was good morning. I must have sounded like such an idiot._

Bella smiled. _"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him."_

She must be trying to make Jessica feel better. She was almost unnaturally self-possessed when we were together.

_"Oh well," _Jessica sighed. _"He _is_ unbelievably gorgeous."_

Bella's face was suddenly colder. Her eyes flashed the same way they did when she resented some injustice. Jessica didn't process the change in her expression.

_"There's a lot more to him than that," _Bella snapped.

_Oooh. Now we're getting somewhere. "Really? Like what?"_

Bella gnawed her lip for a moment. _"I can't explain it right," _she finally said. _"But he's even more unbelievable _behind_ the face." _She looked away from Jessica, her eyes slightly unfocused as if she was staring at something very far away.

The feeling I felt now was loosely similar to how it felt when Carlisle or Esme praised me beyond what I deserved. Similar, but more intense, more consuming.

_Sell stupid somewhere else - there's _nothing _better than that face! Unless it's his body. Swoon. "Is that possible?" _Jessica giggled.

Bella didn't turn. She continued to stare into the distance, ignoring Jessica.

_A normal person would be gloating. Maybe if I keep the questions simple. Ha ha. Like I'm talking to a kindergartener. "So you like him, then?"_

I was rigid again.

Bella didn't look at Jessica. _"Yes."_

_ "I mean, do you _really _like him?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ Look at that blush!_

I was.

_ "How _much _do you like him?" _Jessica demanded.

The English room could have gone up in flames, and I wouldn't have noticed.

Bella's face was bright red now - I could almost feel the heat from the mental picture.

_"Too much," _she whispered. _"More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."_

_ Shoot! What did Mr. Varner just ask? "Um - which number, Mr. Varner?"_

It was good that Jessica could no longer quiz Bella. I needed a minute.

What on earth was that girl thinking _now? More than he likes me? _How did she come up with _that? But I don't see how I can help that? _What was that supposed to mean? I couldn't fit a rational explanation to the words. They were practically senseless.

It seemed I couldn't take anything for granted. Obvious things, things that made perfect sense, somehow got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of hers. _More than he likes me? _Maybe I shouldn't rule out the institution just yet.

I glared at the clock, gritting my teeth. How could mere minutes feel so impossibly long to an immortal? Where was my perspective?

My jaw was tight throughout Mr. Varner's entire trigonometry lesson. I heard more of that than the lecture in my own class. Bella and Jessica didn't speak again, but Jessica peeked at Bella several times, and once her face was brilliant scarlet again for no apparent reason.

Lunch couldn't come fast enough.

I wasn't sure If Jessica would get some of the answers I was waiting for when the class was over, but Bella was quicker than she was.

As soon as the bell sounded, Bella turned to Jessica.

_"In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night," _Bella said, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I understood this for what is was - offence as the best defense.

_Mike asked about me? _Joy made Jessica's mind suddenly unguarded, softer, without its usual snide edge. _"You're kidding! What did you say?"_

_ "I told him you said you had a lot of fun - and he looked pleased."_

_ "Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer!"_

That was all I was going to get from Jessica today, clearly. Bella was smiling like she was thinking the same thing. Like she'd won the round.

Well, lunch would be another story. I would have better success with getting answers out of her than Jessica, I would make sure of that.

I could hardly bear to check in occasionally with Jessica through the fourth hour. I had no patience for her obsessive thoughts of Mike Newton. I'd had more than enough of him in the last two weeks. He was lucky to be alive.

I moved apathetically through gym class with Alice, the way we always moved when it came to physical activity with humans. She was my teammate, naturally. It was the first day of badminton.. I sighed with boredom, swinging the racket in slow motion to tap the birdie back to the other side. Lauren Mallory was on the other team; she missed. Alice was twirling her racket like a baton, staring at the ceiling.

We all hated gym, Emmett especially. Throwing games was an affront to his personal philosophy. Gym seemed worse today than usual - I felt just as irritated as Emmett always did.

Before my head could explode with impatience, Coach Clapp called the games and sent us out early. I was ridiculously grateful that he'd skipped breakfast - a fresh attempt to diet - and the consequent hunger had him in a hurry to leave campus to find a greasy lunch somewhere. He promised himself he would start over tomorrow…

This gave me enough time to get to the math building before Bella's class ended.

_Enjoy yourself, _Alice thought as she headed off to meet Jasper. _Just a few days more to be patient. I suppose you won't say hi to Bella for me, will you?_

I shook my head, exasperated. Were all psychics so smug?

_FYI, it's going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend. You might want to rearrange your plans._

I sighed as I continued in the opposite direction. Smug but definitely useful.

I leaned against the wall by the door, waiting. I was close enough that I could hear Jessica's voice through the bricks as well as her thoughts.

"You're not sitting with us today, are you?" _She looks all…lit up. I bet there's tons she didn't tell me._

"I don't _think_ so," Bella answered, oddly unsure.

Hadn't I promised to spend lunch with her? What was she _thinking?_

They came out of the class together, and both girls' eyes widened when they saw me. But I could only hear Jessica.

_Nice. Wow. Oh, yeah, there's more going on here than she's telling me. Maybe I'll call her tonight… Or maybe I shouldn't encourage her. Huh, I hope he moves past her in a hurry. Mike is cute but…wow._

"See you later, Bella."

Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure. Her skin was pink across her cheekbones.

I knew her well enough now to be sure that there was no fear behind her hesitation. Apparently, this was about some gulf she imagined between her feelings and mine. _More than he likes me. _Absurd!

"Hello," I said, my voice a tad curt.

Her face got brighter. "Hi."

She didn't seem inclined to say anything else, so I led the way to the cafeteria and she walked silently beside me.

The jacket had worked - her scent was not the blow it usually was. It was just an intensification of the pain I already felt. I could ignore it more easily than I once would have believed possible.

Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with the zipper on her jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot. She glanced at me often, but whenever she met my gaze, she looked down as if she were embarrassed. Was this because so many people were staring at us? Maybe she could hear the loud whispers - the gossip was verbal as well as mental today.

Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that she was in trouble.

She didn't say anything until I was assembling her lunch. I didn't know what she liked - not yet - so I grabbed one of everything.

"What are you doing?" she hissed in a low voice. "You're not getting all that for me?"

I shook my head and shoved the tray up to the register. "Half is for me, of course."

She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the food and escorted her to the table we'd sat at last week before her disastrous experience with blood typing. It seemed like much more than a few days. Everything was different now.

She sat across from me again. I pushed the tray toward her.

"Take whatever you want," I encouraged.

She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face.

"I'm curious."

What a surprise.

"What would you do if someone dared you to eat food?" she continued in a low voice that wouldn't carry to human ears. Immortal ears were another matter, if those ears were paying attention. I probably should have mentioned something to them earlier…

"You're always curious," I complained. Oh well. It wasn't like I hadn't had to eat before. It was part of the charade. An unpleasant part.

I reached for the closest thing and held her eyes while I bit off a small bite of whatever it was. Without looking, I couldn't tell. It was as slimy and chunky and repulsive as any other human food. I chewed swiftly and swallowed, trying to keep the grimace off my face. The gob of food moved slowly, and uncomfortably, down my throat.

Bella's expression was shocked. Impressed.

I wanted to roll my eyes. Of course we would have perfected such deceptions.

"If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldn't you?"

Her nose wrinkled and she smiled. "I did once…on a dare. It wasn't so bad."

I laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."

_They look cozy, don't they? Good body language. I'll give Bella my take later. He's leaning toward her just the way he should, if he's interested. He looks interested. He looks…perfect. _Jessica sighed. _Yum._

I met Jessica's curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl next to her.

_ Hmmm. Probably better to stick to Mike. Reality, not fantasy…_

"Jessica's analyzing everything I do," I informed Bella. "She'll break it down for you later."

I pushed the plate of food back towards her - pizza, I realized - wondering how best to begin. My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: _More than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that. _

She took a bite from the same slice of pizza. It amazed me how trusting she was. Of course, she didn't know I was poisonous - not that sharing food would hurt her. Still, I expected her to treat me differently. As something other. She never did - at least, not in a negative way…

I would start off gently.

"So the waitress was pretty, was she?"

She raised an eyebrow again. "You really didn't notice?"

As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella. Absurd, again.

"No. I wasn't paying attention. I had a lot on my mind." Not the least of which had been the soft cling of her thin blouse…

Good thing she'd worn the ugly sweater today.

"Poor girl," Bella said, smiling.

She liked that I hadn't found the waitress interesting in any way. I could understand that. How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biology room?

She couldn't honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeen short mortal years, could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been building up in me for a century.

"Something you said to Jessica…" I couldn't keep my voice casual. "Well, it bothers me."

She was immediately on the defensive. "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdroppers."

_Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves_, that was the saying.

"I warned you I would be listening," I reminded her.

"And I warned you that you didn't want to know everything I was thinking."

Ah, she was thinking of when I'd made her cry. Remorse made my voice thicker. "You did. You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking - everything. I just wish…that you wouldn't be thinking some things."

More half-lies. I knew I _shouldn't_ want her to care about me. But I did. Of course I did.

"That's quite a distinction," she grumbled, scowling at me.

"But that's not really the point at the moment."

"Then what is?"

She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat. It drew my eye - distracted me. How soft that skin must feel…

_Focus, _I commanded myself.

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?" I asked. The question sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled.

Her eyes were wide, her breathing stopped. Then she looked away, blinking quickly. Her breath came in a low gasp.

"You're doing it again," she murmured.

"What?"

"Dazzling me," she admitted, meeting my eyes warily.

"Oh." Hmm. I wasn't quite sure what to do about that. Nor was I sure that I didn't _want _to dazzle her. I was still thrilled that I _could._ But it wasn't helping the progression of the conversation.

"It's not your fault." She sighed. "You can't help it."

"Are you going to answer my question?" I demanded.

She stared at the table. "Yes."

That was all she said.

"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" I asked impatiently.

"Yes, I really think that," she said without looking up. There was a faint undertone of sadness in her voice. She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously to worry her lip.

Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit because she truly believed it. And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking for her to confirm her feelings before I'd confirmed my own. It didn't matter that I felt I'd make my side abundantly clear. It hadn't gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse.

"You're wrong," I promised. She must hear the tenderness in my voice.

Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away. "You can't know that," she whispered.

She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldn't hear her thoughts. But, in truth, the problem was that she was underestimating _mine._

"What makes you think so?" I wondered.

She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lips. For the millionth time, I wished desperately that I could just _hear _her.

I was about the beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with, but she held up a finger to keep me from speaking.

"Let me think," she requested.

As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient.

Or I could pretend to be.

She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers. She was watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke.

"Well, aside from the obvious," she murmured. "Sometimes… I can't be sure - _I _don't know how to read minds - but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else." She didn't look up.

She'd caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness and selfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?

"Perceptive," I breathed and then watched in horror as pain twisted her expression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though-" I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation. They bothered me, though I wasn't sure I understood exactly. "What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"

"Well, look at me," she said.

I _was _looking. All I ever did was look at her. What did she mean?

"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for the bad things like all the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it wasn't worth spelling out.

She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable to her? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful… most exquisite… Those words weren't even enough.

And she had no idea.

"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I told her. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things…" I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil fate who haunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing. Would she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she would find corroboration more persuasive. "But you didn't hear what every human male was thinking on your first day."

Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with which they'd turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible because she wanted none of them.

I was the one she said yes to.

My smile must have been smug.

Her face was blank with surprise. "I don't believe it," she mumbled.

"Trust me just this once - you are the opposite of ordinary."

Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world.

She wasn't used to compliments, I could see that. Another thing she would just _have _to get used to. She flushed and changed the subject. "But I'm not saying goodbye."

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most because if I can do it…" Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seen coming for her. "If leaving is the right thing to do…" And it had to be the right thing, didn't it? There was no reckless angle. Bella didn't belong to me. "Then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

As I said the words, I willed them to be true.

She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. "And you don't think I would do the same?" she demanded furiously.

So furious - so soft and so fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? "You'd never have to make the choice," I told her, depressed anew by the wide difference between us.

She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the little pucker between them.

There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.

_Well, _I thought with dark humor, _at least she has a guardian vampire._

I smiled. How I loved my excuse to stay. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."

She smiled, too. "No one has tried to do away with me today," she said lightly, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.

"Yet," I added dryly.

"Yet," she agreed to my surprise. I'd expected her to deny any need for protection.

_How could he? That selfish jackass! How could he do this to us? _Rosalie's piercing mental shriek broke through my concentration.

"Easy, Rose," I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria. His arm was around her shoulders, holding her tight into his side - restraining her.

_Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily. She could tell Bella knew too much from your conversation…and, well, it would have been worse if I hadn't told her the truth right away. Trust me on that._

I winced at the mental picture that followed at what would have happened if I'd told Rosalie that Bella knew I was a vampire at home, where Rosalie didn't have a façade to keep up. I'd have to hide my Aston Martin somewhere out of state if she didn't calm down by the time school was over. The sight of my favorite car, mangled and burning, was upsetting - though I knew I'd earned the retribution.

Jasper was not much happier.

I'd deal with the others later. I only had so much time allotted to be with Bella, and I wasn't going to waste it. And hearing Alice had reminded me that I had some business to attend to.

"I have another question for you," I said, tuning out Rosalie's mental hysterics.

"Shoot," Bella said, smiling.

"Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to get out of saying no to all your admirers?"

She grimaced at me. "You know, I haven't forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet. It's your fault that he's deluded himself into thinking I'm going to prom with him."

"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me. I just really wanted to watch your face."

I laughed now, remembering her aghast expression. Nothing I'd ever told her about my own dark story had ever made her look so horrified. The truth didn't frighten her. She wanted to be with me. Mind-boggling.

"If I'd asked you, would you have turned _me_ down?"

"Probably not," she said. "But I would have cancelled later - faked an illness or a sprained ankle."

How strange. "Why would you do that?"

She shook her head as if she was disappointed that I did not understand at once. "You've never seen me in gym, I guess, but I would have thought that you would understand."

Ah. "Are you referring to the fact that you can't walk across a flat, stable surface without finding something to trip over?"

"Obviously."

"That wouldn't be a problem. It's all in the leading."

For a brief fraction of a second, I was overwhelmed by the idea of holding her in my arms at a dance - where she would surely wear something pretty and delicate rather than this hideous sweater.

With perfect clarity, I remembered how her body had felt under mine after I'd thrown her out of the way of the oncoming van. Stronger than the panic or the desperation or the chagrin, I could remember that sensation. She'd been so warm and so soft, fitting easily into my own stone shape…

I wrenched myself back from the memory.

"But you never told me-" I said quickly, preventing her from arguing with me about her clumsiness as she clearly intended to do. "Are you resolved on going to Seattle, or do you mind if we do something different?"

Devious - giving her a choice without giving her the option of getting away from me for the day. Hardly fair of me. But I had made her a promise last night… and I liked the idea of fulfilling it - almost as much as the idea terrified me.

The sun would be shining Saturday. I could show her the real me if I was brave enough to endure her horror and disgust. I knew just the place to take such a risk…

"I'm open to alternatives," Bella said. "But I do have a favor to ask."

A qualified yes. What would she want from me?  
"What?"

"Can I drive?"

Was this her idea of humor? "Why?"

"Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically asked if I was going alone and, at the time, I was. If he asked again, I probably wouldn't lie, but I don't think he _will _ask again and leaving my truck at home would just bring up the subject unnecessarily. And also, because your driving frightens me."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you worry about my driving." Truly, her brain worked backwards. I shook my head, disgusted.

_Edward, _Alice called urgently.

Suddenly I was staring into a bright circle of sunlight, caught up in one of Alice's visions.

It was a place I knew well, the place I'd just considered taking Bella - a little meadow where no one ever went beside myself. A quiet, pretty place where I could count on being alone - far enough from any trail or human habitation that even my mind could have peace and quiet.

Alice recognized it, too, because she had seen me there not so long ago in another vision - one of those flickering, indistinct visions that Alice had shown me the morning I'd saved Bella from the van.

In that flickering vision, I hadn't been alone. And now it was clear - Bella was with me there. So I _was _brave enough. She stared at me, rainbows dancing across her face, her eyes fathomless.

_It's the same place, _Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match the vision. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, _the same place?_

And then I saw it.

_Edward! _Alice protested shrilly. _I love her, Edward!_

I shut her out viciously.

She didn't love Bella the way I did. Her vision was impossible. Wrong. She was blinded somehow, seeing impossibilities.

Not even a half a second had passed. Bella was looking curiously at my face, waiting for me to approve her request. Had she seen the flash of dread, or had it been to quick for her?

I focused on her, on our unfinished conversation, pushing Alice and her flawed, lying visions far from my thoughts. They didn't deserve my attention.

I wasn't able to keep up the playful tone of our banter, though.

"Won't you want to tell your father that you're spending the day with me?" I asked, darkness seeping into my voice.

I shoved at the visions again, trying to push them farther away, to keep them from flickering through my head.

"With Charlie, less is always more," Bella said, certain of this fact. "Where are we going, anyway?"

Alice was wrong. Dead wrong. There was no chance of that. And it was just an old vision, invalid now. Things had changed.

"The weather will be nice," I told her slowly, fighting the panic and indecision. Alice was wrong. I would continue as if I hadn't heard or seen anything. "So I'll be staying out of the public eye…and you can stay with me, if you'd like to."

Bella caught the significance at once; her eyes were bright and eager. "And you'll show me what you meant, about the sun?"

Maybe, like so many times before, her reaction would be the opposite of what I expected. I smiled at the possibility, struggling to return to the lighter moment. "Yes. But…" She hadn't said yes. "If you don't want to be…alone with me, I'd still rather you didn't go to Seattle by yourself. I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city that size."

Her lips pressed together; she was offended.

"Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattle - just in population. In physical size-"

"But apparently your number wasn't up in Phoenix," I said, cutting off her justifications. "So I'd rather you stayed with me."

She could stay forever, and it would not be long enough.  
I shouldn't think that way. We didn't have forever. The passing seconds counted more than they ever had before; each second changed her while I remained untouched.

"As it happens, I don't mind being alone with you," she said.

No - because her instincts were backwards.

"I know," I sighed. "You should tell Charlie, though."

"Why in the world would I do that?" she asked, sounding horrified.

I glared at her, the visions I couldn't quite manage to repress swirling sickeningly through my head.

"To give me some small incentive to bring you back," I hissed. She should give me that much - one witness to compel me to be cautious.

Why had Alice forced this knowledge on me now?

Bella swallowed loudly and stared at me for a long moment. What did she see?

"I think I'll take my chances," she said.

Ugh! Did she get some thrill out of risking her life? Some shot of adrenaline she craved?

I scowled at Alice, who met my glare with a warning glance. Beside her, Rosalie was glowering furiously, but I couldn't have cared less. Let her destroy the car. It was just a toy.

"Let's talk about something else," Bella suggested suddenly.

I looked back at her, wondering how she could be so oblivious to what really mattered. Why wouldn't she see me for the monster I was?

"What do you want to talk about?"

Her eyes darted to the left and then the right as if checking to make sure there were no eavesdroppers. She must be planning to introduce another myth-related topic. Her eyes froze for a second and her body stiffened, and then she looked back to me.

"Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekend…to hunt? Charlie said it wasn't a good place to hike because of the bears."

So oblivious. I stared at her, raising one eyebrow.

"Bears?" she gasped.

I smiled wryly, watching that sink in. Would this make her take me seriously? Would anything?  
She pulled her expression together. "You know, bears are not in season," she said severely, narrowing her eyes.

"If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons."

She lost control over her face again for a moment. Her lips fell open.

"Bears?" she said again, a tentative question this time rather than a gasp of shock.

"Grizzly is Emmett's favorite."

I watched her eyes, seeing this settle in.

"Hmm," she murmured. She took a bite of the pizza, looking down. She chewed thoughtfully and then took a drink.

"So," she said, finally looking up. "What's your favorite?"

I supposed I should have expected something like that, but I hadn't. Bella was always interesting, at the very least.

"Mountain lion," I answered brusquely.

"Ah," she said in a neutral tone. Her heartbeat continued steady and even, as if we were discussing a favorite restaurant.

Fine, then. If she wanted to act like this was nothing unusual…

"Of course, we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting," I told her, my voice detached and clinical. "We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators - ranging as far away as we need. There's always plenty of deer and elk here, and they'll do, but where's the fun in that?"

She listened with a politely interested expression as if I were a teacher giving a lecture. I had to smile.

"Where indeed," she murmured calmly, taking another bite of pizza.

"Early spring is Emmett's favorite bear season," I said, continuing with the lecture. "They're just coming out of hibernation, so they're more irritable."

Seventy years later, and he still hadn't gotten over losing that first match.

"Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear," Bella agreed, nodding solemnly.

I couldn't hold back a chuckle as I shook my head at her illogical calm. It had to be put on. "Tell me what you're really thinking, please."

"I'm trying to picture it - but I can't," she said, the crease appearing between her eyes. "How do you hunt a bear without weapons?"

"Oh, we have weapons," I told her, and then flashed her a wide smile. I expected her to recoil, but she was very still, watching me. "Just not the kind they consider when writing hunting laws. If you've ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able to visualize Emmett hunting."

She glanced toward the table where the others sat and shuddered.

Finally, and then I laughed at myself, because I knew part of me was wishing she would stay oblivious.

Her dark eyes were wide and deep as she stared at me now. "Are you like a bear, too?" she asked in an almost-whisper.

"More like the lion, or so they tell me," I told her, striving to sound detached again. "Perhaps our preferences are indicative."

Her lips pulled up a tiny bit at the corners. "Perhaps," she repeated. And then her head leaned to the side and curiosity was suddenly clear in her eyes. "Is that something I might get to see?"

I didn't need pictures from Alice to illustrate this horror - my imagination was quite enough.

"Absolutely not," I snarled at her.

She jerked away from me, her eyes bewildered and frightened.

I leaned back, too, wanting to put space between us. She was never going to see, was she? She wouldn't do one thing to help me keep her alive.

"Too scary for me?" she asked, her voice even. Her heart, however, was still moving in double time.

"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," I retorted through my teeth. "You _need _a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you."

"Then why?" she demanded, undeterred.

I glared at her blackly, waiting for her to be afraid. _I _was afraid. I could imagine only too clearly having Bella near when I hunted…

Her eyes remained curious, impatient, nothing more. She waited for her answer, not giving in.

But our hour was up.

"Later," I snapped, and I rose to my feet. "We're going to be late."

She looked around herself, disoriented, like she'd forgotten we were at lunch. Like she'd forgotten we were even at school - surprised that we were not alone in some private place. I understood that feeling exactly. It was hard to remember the rest of the world when I was with her.

She got up quickly, bobbling once, and threw her bag over her shoulder.

"Later, then," she said, and I could see the determination in the set of her mouth; she would hold me to that.

**12. Complications**

Bella and I walked silently to biology. I was trying to focus myself on the moment, on the girl beside me, on what was real and solid, on anything that would keep Alice's deceitful, meaningless vision out of my head.

We passed Angela Weber, lingering on the sidewalk, discussing an assignment with a boy from Trigonometry class. I scanned her thoughts perfunctorily, expecting more disappointment, only to be surprised by their wistful tenor.

Ah, so there _was_ something Angela wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't something that could be easily gift-wrapped.

I felt strangely comforted for a moment, hearing Angela's hopeless yearning. A sense of kinship that Angela would never know about passed through me, and I was, in that second, at one with the kind human girl.

It was oddly consoling to know that I wasn't the only one living out a tragic love story. Heartbreak was everywhere.

In the next second, I was abruptly and thoroughly irritated. Because Angela's story didn't _have_ to be tragic. She was human, and he was human, and the difference that seemed so insurmountable in her head was ridiculous, truly ridiculous compared to my own situation. There was no _point_ in her broken heart. What a wasteful sadness, when there was no valid reason for her not to be with the one she wanted. Why shouldn't she have what she wanted? Why shouldn't this one story have a happy ending?

I wanted to give her a gift… Well, I would give her what she wanted. Knowing what I did of human nature, it probably wouldn't even be very difficult. I sifted through the consciousness of the boy beside her, the object of her affections, and he did not seem unwilling, he was just stymied by the same difficulty she was. Hopeless and resigned, the way she was.

All I would have to do was plant the suggestion…

The plan formed easily, the script wrote itself without effort on my part. I would need Emmett's help - getting him to go along with this was the only real difficulty. Human nature was so much easier to manipulate than vampire nature.

I was pleased with my solution, with my gift for Angela. It was a nice diversion from my own problems. Would that mine were as easily fixed.

My mood was slightly improved as Bella and I took our seats. Maybe I should be more positive. Maybe there was some solution out there for us that was escaping me, the way Angela's obvious solution was so invisible to her. Not likely…But why waste time with hopelessness? I didn't have time to waste when it came to Bella. Each second mattered.

Mr. Banner entered pulling an ancient TV and VCR. He was skipping through a section he wasn't particularly interested in - genetic disorders - by showing a movie for the next three days. _Lorenzo's Oil_ was not a very cheerful piece, but that didn't stop the excitement in the room. No notes, no test-able material. Three free days. The humans exulted.

It didn't matter to me, either way. I hadn't been planning on paying any attention to anything but Bella.

I did not pull my chair away from hers today, to give myself space to breathe. Instead, I sat close beside her like any normal human would. Closer than we sat inside my car, close enough that the left side of my body felt submerged in the heat of her skin.

It was a strange experience, both enjoyable and nerve-racking, but I preferred this to sitting across the table from her. It was more than I was used to, and yet I quickly realized that it was not enough. I was not satisfied. Being this close to her only made me want to be closer still. The pull was stronger the closer I got.

I had accused her of being a magnet for danger. Right now, if felt like that was the literal truth. I _was_ danger, and with every inch I allowed myself nearer to her, her attraction grew in force.

And then Mr. Banner turned the lights out.

It was odd how much of a difference this made, considering that the lack of light meant little to my eyes. I could still see just as perfectly as before. Every detail of the room was clear.

So why the sudden shock of electricity in the air, in this dark that was not dark to me? Was it because I knew that I was the only one who could see clearly? That both Bella and I were invisible to the others? Like we were alone, just the two of us, hidden in the dark room, sitting so close beside one another…

My hand moved toward her without my permission. Just to touch her hand, to hold it in the darkness. Would that be such a horrific mistake? If my skin bothered her, she only had to pull away…

I yanked my hand back, folded my arms tightly across my chest and clenched my hands closed. No mistakes. I'd promised myself that I would make no mistakes, no matter how minimal they seemed. If I held her hand, I would only want more - another insignificant touch, another move closer to her. I could feel that. A new kind of desire was growing in me, working to override my self-control.

No mistakes.

Bella folded her arms securely across her own chest, and her hands balled up into fists, just like mine.

_What are you thinking?_ I was dying to whisper the words to her, but the room was too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation.

The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit. Bella glanced up at me. She noted the rigid way I held my body - just like hers - and smiled. Her lips parted slightly, and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations.

Or perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to see.

I smiled back; her breathing caught with a low gasp, and she looked quickly away.

That made it worse. I didn't know her thoughts, but I was suddenly positive that I had been right before, and that she _wanted_ me to touch her. She felt this dangerous desire just as I did.

Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed.

She didn't move all through the hour, holding her stiff, controlled pose as I held mine. Occasionally she would peek at me again, and the humming current would jolt through me with a sudden shock.

The hour passed - slowly and yet not slowly enough. This was so new that I could have sat like this with her for days, just to experience the feeling fully.

I had a dozen different arguments with myself while the minutes passed, rationality struggling with desire as I tried to justify touching her.

Finally, Mr. Banner turned the lights on again.

In the bright fluorescent light, the atmosphere of the room returned to normal. Bella sighed and stretched, flexing her fingers in front of her. It must have been uncomfortable for her to hold that position for so long. It was easier for me - stillness came naturally.

I chuckled at the relieved expression on her face. "Well, that was interesting."

"Umm," she murmured, clearly understanding what I referred to, but making no comment. What I wouldn't give to hear what she was thinking _right now._

I sighed. No amount of wishing was going to help with that.

"Shall we?" I asked, standing.

She made a face and got unsteadily to her feet, her hands splayed out as if she were afraid she was going to fall.

I could offer her my hand. Or I could place that hand underneath her elbow - just lightly - and steady her. Surely that wouldn't be such a horrible infraction…

No mistakes.

She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym. The crease was evident between her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought. I, too, was thinking deeply.

One touch of her skin wouldn't hurt her, my selfish side contended.

I could easily moderate the pressure of my hand. It wasn't exactly difficult, as long as I was firmly in control of myself. My tactile sense was better developed than a human's; I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without breaking any of them; I could stroke a soap bubble without popping it. As long as I was firmly in control…

Bella was like a soap bubble - fragile and ephemeral. _Temporary._

How long would I be able to justify my presence in her life? How much time did I have? Would I have another chance like this chance, like this moment, like this second? She would not always be within my arm's reach…

Bella turned to face me at the gym's door, and her eyes widened at the expression on my face. She didn't speak. I looked at myself in the reflection of her eyes and saw the conflict raging in my own. I watched my face change as my better side lost the argument.

My hand lifted without a conscious command for it to do so. As gently as if she were made of the thinnest glass, as if she were fragile as a bubble, my fingers stroked the warm skin that covered her cheekbone. It heated under my touch, and I could feel the pulse of blood speed beneath her transparent skin.

_Enough,_ I ordered, though my hand was aching to shape itself to the side of her face. _Enough._

It was difficult to pull my hand back, to stop myself from moving closer to her than I already was. A thousand different possibilities ran through my mind in an instant - a thousand different ways to touch her. The tip of my finger tracing the shape of her lips. My palm cupping under her chin. Pulling the clip from her hair and letting it spill out across my hand. My arms winding around her waist, holding her against the length of my body.

_Enough._

I forced myself to turn, to move away from her. My body moved stiffly - unwilling.

I let my mind linger behind to watch her as I walked swiftly away, almost running from the temptation. I caught Mike Newton's thoughts - they were the loudest - while he watched Bella walk past him in oblivion, her eyes unfocused and her cheeks red. He glowered and suddenly my name was mingled with curses in his head; I couldn't help grinning slightly in response.

My hand was tingling. I flexed it and then curled it into a fist, but it continued to sting painlessly.

No, I hadn't hurt her - but touching her had still been a mistake.

It felt like fire - like the thirsting burn of my throat had spread throughout my entire body.

The next time I was close to her, would I be able to stop myself from touching her again? And if I touched her once, would I be able to stop at that?

No more mistakes. That was it. _Savor the memory, Edward, _I told myself grimly, _and keep your hands to yourself. _That, or I would have to force myself to leave… somehow. Because I couldn't allow myself near her if I insisted on making errors.

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my thoughts.

Emmett caught up to me outside the English building.

"Hey, Edward." _He's looking better. Weird but better. Happy._

"Hey, Em." Did I look happy? I suppose, despite the chaos in my head, I felt that way.

_ Way to keep your mouth shut, kid. Rosalie wants to rip your tongue out._

I sighed. "Sorry I left you to deal with that. Are you angry with me?"

"Naw. Rose'll get over it. It was bound to happen anyway." _With what Alice sees coming…_

Alice's visions were not what I wanted to think about right now. I stared forward, my teeth locking together.

As I searched for a distraction, I caught sight of Ben Cheney entering the Spanish room ahead of us. Ah - here was my chance to give Angela Weber her gift.

I stopped walking and caught Emmett's arm. "Hold on a second."

_ What's up?_

"I know I don't deserve it, but would you do me a favor anyway?"

"What is it?" he asked, curious.

Under my breath - and at a speed that would have made the words incomprehensible to a human no matter how loud they'd been spoken - I explained to him what I wanted.

He stared at me blankly when I was done, his thoughts as blank as his face.

"So?" I prompted. "Will you help me do it?"

It took him a minute to respond. "But, _why?_"

"C'mon, Emmett. Why _not?_"

_Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?_

"Aren't you the one who complains that school is always the same? This is something a little different, isn't it? Consider it an experiment - and experiment in human nature."

He stared at me for another moment before he caved. "Well, it _is_ different, I'll give you that… Okay, fine." Emmett snorted and then shrugged. "I'll help you."

I grinned at him, feeling more enthusiastic about my plan now that he was on board. Rosalie was a pain, but I would always owe her one for choosing Emmett; no one had a better brother than mine.

Emmett didn't need to practice. I whispered his lines to him once under my breath as we walked into the classroom.

Ben was already in his seat behind mine, assembling his homework to hand in. Emmett and I both sat and did the same thing. The classroom was not quiet yet; the murmur of subdued conversation would continue until Mrs. Goff called for attention. She was in no hurry, appraising the quizzes from the last class.

"So," Emmett said, his voice louder than necessary - if he were really speaking only to me. "Did you ask Angela Weber out yet?"

The sound of papers rustling behind me came to an abrupt stop as Ben froze, his attention suddenly riveted on our conversation.

_Angela? They're talking about Angela?_

Good. I had his interest.

"No," I said, shaking my head slowly to appear regretful.

"Why not?" Emmett improvised. "Are you chicken?"

I grimaced at him. "No. I heard that she was interested in someone else."

_Edward Cullen was going to ask Angela out? But… No. I don't like that. I don't want him near her. He's.. not right for her. Not…safe._

I hadn't anticipated the chivalry, the protective instinct. I'd been working for jealousy. But whatever worked.

"You're going to let that stop you?" Emmett asking scornfully, improvising again. "Not up for the competition?"

I glared at him but made use of what he gave me. "Look, I guess she really likes this Ben person. I'm not going to try to convince her otherwise. There are other girls."

The reaction in the chair behind me was electric.

"Who?" Emmett asked, back to the script.

"My lab partner said it was some kid named Cheney. I'm not sure I know who he is."

I bit back my smile. Only the haughty Cullens could get away with pretending not to know every student at this tiny school.

Ben's head was whirling with shock. _Me? Over Edward Cullen? But why would she like me?_

"Edward," Emmett muttered in a lower tone, rolling his eyes toward the boy. "He's right behind you," he mouthed, so obviously that the human could easily read the words.

"Oh," I muttered back.

I turned in my seat and glanced once at the boy behind me. For a second, the black eyes behind the glasses were frightened, but then he stiffened and squared his narrow shoulders, affronted by my clearly disparaging evaluation. His chin shot out and an angry flush darkened his golden-brown skin.

"Huh," I said arrogantly as I turned back to Emmett.

_He thinks he's better than me. But Angela doesn't. I'll show him…_

Perfect_._

"Didn't you say she was taking Yorkie to the dance, though?" Emmett asked, snorting as he said the name of the boy that many scorned for his awkwardness.

"That was a group decision apparently." I wanted to be sure that Ben was clear on this. "Angela's shy. If B- well, if a guy doesn't have the nerve to ask her out, she'd never ask him."

"You like shy girls," Emmett said, back to improvisation. _Quiet girls. Girls like… hmm, I don't know. Maybe Bella Swan?_

I grinned at him. "Exactly." Then I returned to the performance. "Maybe Angela will get tired of waiting. Maybe I'll ask her to the prom."

_No, you won't, _Ben thought, straightening up in his chair. _So what if she's so much taller than me? If she doesn't care, then neither do I. She's the nicest, smartest, prettiest girl in this school… and she wants _me.

I liked this Ben. He seemed bright and well-meaning. Maybe even worthy of a girl like Angela.

I gave Emmett a thumbs-up under the desk as Mrs. Goff stood and greeted the class.

_Okay, I'll admit it - that was sort of fun, _Emmett thought.

I smiled to myself, pleased that I'd been able to shape one love story's happy ending. I was positive that Ben would follow through, and Angela would receive my anonymous gift. My debt was repaid.

How silly humans were. To let a six inch height differential confound their happiness…

My success put me in a good mood. I smiled again as I settled into my chair and prepared to be entertained. After all, as Bella had pointed out at lunch, I'd never seen her in action in her gym class before.

Mike's thoughts were the easiest to pinpoint in the babble of voices that swarmed through the gym. His mind had gotten far too familiar over the last few weeks. With a sigh, I resigned myself to listening through him. At least I could be sure that he would be paying attention to Bella.

I was just in time to hear him offer to be her badminton partner; as he made the suggestion, other partnering ran through his mind. My smile faded, my teeth clenched together, and I had to remind myself that murdering Mike Newton was not a permissible option.

_"Thanks, Mike - you don't have to do this, you know."_

_ "Don't worry. I'll keep out of your way."_

They grinned at each other, and flashes of numerous accidents - always in some way connected to Bella - flashed through Mike's head.

Mike played alone at first while Bella hesitated on the back half of the court, holding her racket gingerly - as if it was some kind of weapon. Then Coach Clapp ambled by and ordered Mike to let Bella play.

_Uh oh, _Mike thought as Bella moved forward with a sigh, holding her racquet at an awkward angle.

Jennifer Ford served the birdie directly toward Bella with a smug twist to her thoughts. Mike saw Bella lurch toward it, swinging the racket yards wide of her target, and he rushed in to try to save the volley.

I watched the trajectory of Bella's racquet with alarm. Sure enough, it hit the taut net and sprung back at her, clipping her forehead before it spun out to strike Mike's arm with a resounding _thwack_.

_Ow. Ow. Ungh. That's going to leave a bruise._

Bella was kneading her forehead. It was hard to stay in my seat where I belonged, knowing she was hurt. But what could I do, if I were there? And it didn't seem to be serious… I hesitated, watching. If she intended to continue to try to play, I was going to have to manufacture an excuse to pull her out of class.

The coach laughed. _"Sorry, Newton." That girl's the worst jinx I've ever seen. Shouldn't inflict her on the others…_

He turned his back deliberately and moved to watch another game so that Bella could return to her former spectator's role.

_Ow, _Mike thought again, massaging his arm. He turned to Bella. _"Are you okay?"_

_ "Yeah, are you?" _she said sheepishly, blushing.

_"I think I'll make it." Don't want to sound like a crybaby. But, man, that hurts!_

Mike swung his arm in a circle, wincing.

_"I'll just stay back here," _Bella said, embarrassment and chagrin on her face rather than pain. Maybe Mike had got the worst of it. I certainly _hoped _that was the case. At least she wasn't playing anymore. She held her racquet so carefully behind her back, her eyes wide with remorse… I had to disguise my laughing as coughing.

_What's funny? _Emmett wanted to know.

"Tell you later," I muttered.

Bella didn't venture into the game again. The coach ignored her and let Mike play alone.

I breezed through the quiz at the end of the hour, and Mrs. Goff let me go early. I was listening intently to Mike as I walked across the campus. He'd decided to confront Bella about me.

_Jessica swears they're dating. Why? Why did he have to pick her?_

He didn't recognize the real phenomenon - that she'd picked _me._

_ "So."_

_ "So what?" _she wondered.

_"You and Cullen, huh?" You and the freak. I guess, if a rich guy is that important to you…_

I gritted my teeth at his degrading assumption.

_"That's none of your business, Mike."_

_ Defensive. So it's true. Crap. "I don't like it."_

_ "You don't have to," _she snapped.

_Why can't she see what a circus sideshow he is? Like they all are. The way he stars at her. It gives me chills to watch. "He looks at you like… like you're something to eat."_

I cringed, waiting for her response.

Her face turned bright red, and her lips pressed together like she was holding her breath. Then, suddenly, a giggle burst through her lips.

_Now she's laughing at me. Great._

Mike turned, thoughts sullen, and wandered off to change.

I leaned against the gym wall and tried to compose myself.

How could she have laughed at Mike's accusation - so entirely on target that I began to worry that Forks was becoming too _aware… _Why would she laugh at the suggestion that I could kill her, when she knew that it was entirely true? Where was the humor in that?

What was _wrong_ with her?

Did she have a morbid sense of humor? That didn't fit with my idea of her character, but how could I be sure? Or maybe my daydream of the giddy angel was true in the one respect, in that she had no sense of fear at all. Brave - that was one word for it. Others might say stupid, but I knew how bright she was. No matter what the reason, though, this lack of fear or twisted sense of humor wasn't good for her. Was it this strange lack that put her in danger so constantly? Maybe she would always need me here…

Just like that, my mood was soaring.

If I could just discipline myself, make myself safe, then perhaps it would be right for me to stay with her.

When she walked through the gym doors, her shoulders were stiff, and her lower lip was between her teeth again - a sign of anxiety. But as soon as her eyes met mine, her rigid shoulders relaxed, and a wide smile spread across her face. It was an oddly peaceful expression. She walked right to my side without hesitation, only stopping when she was so close that her body heat crashed over me like a tidal wave.

"Hi," she whispered.

The happiness I felt in that moment was, again, without precedent.

"Hello," I said, and then - because with my mood suddenly so light I couldn't resist teasing her - I added, "How was gym?"

Her smile wavered. "Fine."

She was a poor liar.

"Really?" I asked, about the press the issue - I was still concerned about her head; was she in pain? - but then Mike Newton's thoughts were so loud they broke my concentration.

_I _hate_ him. I wish he would die. I hope he drives that shiny car right off a cliff. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Stick to his own kind - to the freaks._

"What?" Bella demanded.

My eyes refocused on her face. She looked at Mike's retreating back, and then at me again.

"Newton's getting on my nerves," I admitted.

Her mouth fell open, and her smile disappeared. She must have forgotten that I'd had the power to watch through her calamitous last hour, or hoped that I hadn't utilized it. "You weren't listening again?"

"How's your head?"

"You're unbelievable!" she said through her teeth, and then she turned away from me and stalked furiously toward the parking lot. Her skin flushed dark red- she was embarrassed.

I kept pace with her, hoping that her anger would pass soon. She was usually quick to forgive me.

"You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen you in gym," I explained. "It made me curious."

She didn't answer; her eyebrows pulled together.

She came to a sudden halt in the parking lot when she realized that the way to my car was blocked by a crowd of male students.

_I wonder how fast they've gone in this thing…_

_ Look at the SMG shift paddles. I've never seen those outside of a magazine…_

_ Nice side grills…_

_ Sure wish I had sixty thousand dollars laying around…_

This was exactly why it was better for Rosalie to only use her car out of town.

I wound through the throng of covetous boys to my car; after a second of hesitation, Bella followed suit.

"Ostentatious," I muttered as she climbed in.

"What kind of car is that?" she wondered.

"An M3."

She frowned. "I don't speak _Care and Driver._"

"It's a BMW." I rolled my eyes and then focused on backing out without running anyone down. I had to lock eyes with a few boys that didn't seem willing to move out of my way. A half-second meeting my gaze seemed to be enough to convince them.

"Are you still angry?" I asked her. Her frown had relaxed.

"Definitely," she answered curtly.

I sighed. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. Oh well. I could try to make amends, I supposed. "Will you forgive me if I apologize?"

She thought about that for a moment. "Maybe… if you mean it," she decided. "_And_ if you promise not to do it again."

I wasn't going to lie to her, and there was no way I was agreeing to _that._ Perhaps if I offered her a different exchange.

"How about if I mean it, _and_ I agree to let you drive this Saturday?" I cringed internally at the thought.

The furrow popped into existence between her eyes as she considered the new bargain. "Deal," she said after a moment of thought.

Now for my apology… I'd never _tried_ to dazzle Bella on purpose before, but now seemed like a good time. I stared deep into her eyes as I drove away from the school, wondering if I was doing it right. I used my most persuasive tone.

"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."

Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato. Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned.

I half-smiled. It seemed like I'd gotten it right. Of course, I was having a bit of difficulty looking away from her eyes, too. Equally dazzled. It was a good thing I had this road memorized.

"And I'll be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning," I added, finishing the agreement.

She blinked swiftly, shaking her head as if to clear it. "Um," she said, "it doesn't help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway."

Ah, how little she still knew me. "I wasn't intending to bring a car."

"How-" she started to ask.

I interrupted her. The answer would be hard to explain without a demonstration, and now was hardly the time. "Don't worry about it. I'll be there, no car."

She put her head on one side and looked for a second like she was going to press for more. But then she seemed to change her mind.

"Is it later yet?" she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation in the cafeteria today; she'd let go of one difficult question just to return to another that was more unappealing.

"I suppose it is later," I agreed unwillingly.

I parked in front of her house, tensing as I tried to think of how to explain… without making my monstrous nature too evident, without frightening her again. Or was that wrong? To minimalize my darkness?

She waited with the same politely interested mask she'd worn at lunch. If I'd been less anxious, her preposterous calm would have made me laugh.

"And you still want to know why you can't see me hunt?" I asked.

"Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction," she said.  
"Did I frighten you?" I asked, positive that she would deny it.

"No."

I tried not to smile and failed. "I apologize for scaring you." And then my smile vanished with the momentary humor. "It was just the very thought of you being there… while we hunted."

"That would be bad?"

The mental picture was too much - Bella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness; myself, out of control… I tried to banish it from my head. "Extremely."

"Because…?"

I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst. Feeling it, managing it, proving my dominion over it. It would never control me again - I willed that to be true. I _would_ be safe for her. I stared at the welcome clouds without seeing them, wishing I could believe that my determination would make any difference if I were hunting when I crossed her scent.

"When we hunt… we give ourselves over to our senses," I told her, thinking through each word before I spoke it. "Governed less with our minds. Especially our sense of smell. If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way…"

I shook my head in agony at the thought of what would - not what _could, _but what _would - _surely happen then.

I listened to the spike in her heartbeat and then turned, restless, to read her eyes.

Bella's face was composed, her eyes grave. Her mouth was pursed just slightly in what I guessed was concern. But concern for what? Her own safety? Or my anguish? I continued to stare at her, trying to translate her ambiguous expression into sure fact.

She gazed back. Her eyes grew wider after a moment, and her pupils dilated, though the light had not changed.

My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed to be humming, just like in the darkened biology room this afternoon. The pulsing current raced between us again, and my desire to touch her was, briefly, stronger even than the demands of my thirst.

The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again. My body sang with it. Like I was human. More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat of her lips against mine. For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, the control, to be able to put my mouth so close to her skin…

She sucked in a ragged breath, and only then did I realize that when I had started breathing faster, she had stopped breathing altogether.

I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us.

No more mistakes.

Bella's existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes, all so easily disrupted. The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, was life or death to her. The fluttering cadence of her fragile heart could be stopped by so many stupid accidents or illnesses or… by me.

I did not believe that any member of my family would hesitate if he or she were offered a chance back - if he or she could trade immortality for mortality again. Any one of us would stand in fire for it. Burn for as many days or centuries as were necessary.

Most of our kind prized immortality above anything else. There were even humans who craved this, who searched in dark places for those who could give them the blackest of gifts…

Not us. Not my family. We would trade anything to be human.

But none of us had ever been as desperate for a way back as I was now.

I stared at the microscopic pits and flaws in the windshield, like there was some solution hidden in the glass. The electricity had not faded, and I had to concentrate to keep my hands on the wheel.

My right hand began to sting without pain again, from when I'd touched her before.

"Bella, I think you should go inside now."

She obeyed at once, without comment, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind herself. Did she feel the potential for disaster as clearly as I did?

Did it hurt her to leave like it hurt me to let her go? The only solace was that I would see her soon. Sooner than she would see me. I smiled at that then rolled the window down and leaned across to speak to her one more time - it was safer now, with the heat of her body outside the car.

She turned to see what I wanted, curious.

Still curious, though she'd asked me so many questions today. My own curiosity was entirely unsatisfied; answering her questions today had only revealed my secrets - I'd gotten little from her but my own conjectures. That wasn't fair.

"Oh, Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Tomorrow it's my turn."

Her forehead puckered. "Your turn to what?"

"Ask the questions." Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded by witnesses, I would get my own answers. I grinned at the thought, and then I turned away because she made no move to leave. Even with her outside of the car, the echo of that electricity zinged in the air. I wanted to get out, too, to walk her to her door as an excuse to stay beside her…

No more mistakes. I hit the gas and then sighed as she disappeared behind me. It seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying in place. I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to have any peace.

---------

end note- BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??? Yeah.. that's what I asked myself about his character. We know where he is by the end of the book but HOW does he get there... the journey is quite a ride.


	3. Revelations 13

And here's where I take over. Stephanie Meyer owns all the rights to this of course (and no I'm not her... I'd publish this if I were and put you all out of your misery! But, this is the best I can do...) :]

So, WHY does Edward love Bella? What is it about her that has him so interested? Stephanie Meyer got it up to the point that Edward had been waiting for and then dropped the ball. Poor guy... it finally comes to the moment and the writing ends. Well, enter me.. an overachieving type person that's always been fascinated with Edward. I felt like the reason I liked the original series was only because of him and I had to read so much in between the lines. What Stephanie Meyer posted on her web site from his point of view was EXACTLY what I'd wanted, suddenly he was so clear, but then... I wanted to find out HOW he got from the end of what she wrote to the place at the end of the book. Here's is that journey for you all to enjoy.

**Revelations - 13**

Contemplating the conundrum of how to stay in one place while I drove around aimlessly wasn't particularly helpful, yet I didn't want to go home. I was stalling, waiting as long as I could before walking into the arguments that I was sure to be the center of when I got home.

They all knew now that Bella had found out the truth.

I suppose it could look cowardly of me to postpone my inevitable return home. Perhaps the fact that I didn't care if Rosalie trashed my Vantage meant that my mental health was in question, but in truth, I was just tired of fighting. I didn't want to listen to their thoughts, annoyances, accusations, or worry. Ever since I met Bella I'd been in a civil war. Almost entirely an internal war_, _and I was both the enemy and the ally.

This mental exhaustion was beyond anything I'd ever experienced as a vampire. It didn't seem possible, yet I couldn't escape the feeling. There was no alternative besides this. The war might never end and I would have to learn to live with that.

Regardless, I couldn't stay away all evening.

I turned the car around and drove quickly home to make my nightly appearance, knowing that soon I would leave again, to take solace in Bella's dreams. Although a part of me still felt voyeuristic, I couldn't find any other moment of rest, other than when I watched her sleep. Besides, staying away wasn't possible.

I was a sick twisted infatuated vampire, trying not to annihilate my reason for existing while I watched her sleep, and telling myself that I was there to 'protect' her.

I shook my head in disgust, and as I got closer to the turn off, I caught the tone of each of my family members minds, divided all because of me.

"_Rose… Babe, she had to figure it out sometime. It won't help wrecking the car." _

"_I'm not wrecking it, Emmett. I'm just taking what is _mine_." The jerk would deserve it even if I did wreck his precious car._

I moved my attention to Esme's mind as she was looking out the back window toward the garage where Rosalie was disassembling my Aston Martin. _Poor boy. Going through all that he has and Rose has to do this. "Alice?" _Esme said aloud, _"are you sure we shouldn't… intervene?" _

Alice shook her head. "_Trust me. Our lives will be easier if we leave her alone right now." _Alice didn't bring to mind what vision had made her assure everyone that letting Rosalie disassemble my car was the best outlet for her anger, but I did see her newest vision. Rosalie ignoring me. I could live with that. That, in itself, was almost worth losing my car. I could always buy a new sports car, and it wasn't like I had a chance to use it much.

_He deserves better than that. He's trying so hard._ Esme thought, but Rosalie wasn't ruining it. No, she was just taking it apart piece by piece to get to the tiny oil pressure sending unit that I'd let her replace 5 years earlier. Parts of, not only the engine, but the interior, hood, seats, tires, and anything that could be removed without damage were scattered over the lawn.

It was a depressing sight.

Though Rosalie's voice was even as she answered Emmett's questions, she was still angry. Her thoughts were smug through the anger and somewhat victorious as she took back what was hers in the most inconvenient way possible. Self-centered as always, I tried to ignore what was happening outside and listened to the more important discussion indoors.

Jasper's unsaid thoughts where angry as well. _And Edward thought Emmett and I were reckless. How long do we let her stay human when she knows too much as it is? _I'd known how upset Jasper and Rosalie would be when they knew that Bella had found out, but it was too late to give them the prepared speech I'd come up with.

I was surprised when I realized that Jasper was preparing his own speech. It wasn't like him to bring a topic of argument up. I was suddenly apprehensive and sped up as I followed the winding driveway.

"_Every moment she spends with him puts us at risk, Carlisle," _Jasper said aloud._ "They have been seen together, and if this ends badly there are sure to be questions." _His thoughts were calculating and logical, but he mainly felt protective of Alice. Worrying about her sadness if her new best friend died before she even got to be introduced.

"_You see!" _Rosalie screeched from the backyard as she tossed another screw into the grass. _"We should have dealt with her when we had the chance!" _She'd heard Jasper of course and her mental insults were punctuated with a clank as she tossed the muffler onto the hood of my Vantage that was only a few feet away from the river bank.

Esme watched Rosalie's progress in disbelief, as I speed up to the house.

"_That wouldn't have helped, Rosalie," _Carlisle assured her evenly, speaking just loud enough so she could hear him. _"He's falling in love with her just as Alice predicted, and Bella would have had to find out the truth at some point."_

"_I wasn't referring to killing her, but you must see, Carlisle," _Jasper went on, _"That he is not strong enough to change her. If he tried, he would fail and she must be changed soon. It is the safest way to proceed." _Leave no evidence.

That was why Jasper was arguing with Carlisle. He was trying to convince Carlisle to turn her.

I remembered the vision of Bella, pale with red eyes again. Her expression fathomless, forced into a soulless existence because of my own stupidity.

"NO!" I shouted. He wouldn't do it, I couldn't let anyone do that to her. I stopped the car in front of the house, jumped out, and raced inside.

Carlisle heard me coming and knew that I'd caught the last part of their conversation. He held his hand up to me, his face was full of concern. I saw my own panicked expression reflected in his eyes. _Let me finish speaking, Edward. _He thought quickly and then said, "Bella's transformation is between Edward and herself. We have no right to force either him or her to make that decision."

I felt easier at his words, but the tension did not leave my limbs.

_Calm down, Edward, _Jasper thought as he sensed the anxiety rolling off of me,_ You must see that it's the easiest way._

"Easiest for who?" I looked at him pointedly. "You can keep your distance. I'm not going to take her life away just for convenience."

Jasper turned to Alice and asked, "What is the likely-hood of Bella surviving Saturday?"

"Hopefully, not much," Rosalie muttered as she tossed a wrench to Emmett.

"Rosalie…" Esme said sternly, turning back to look through the window, "I don't want to hear any more from you. You're getting your part back and after this you won't say another word about Edward _or _Bella."

Rosalie nodded, and didn't say anything more, but I knew she'd prefer Bella's death than have her join our family at this moment in time. Her reasoning was utterly ridiculous though and I brushed her thoughts away like the toothless insults that they were.

Alice glared toward Rosalie for a moment before her eyes glazed over as she concentrated. I saw in her mind again the meadow with Bella looking at me and sunshine on us both. Rainbows danced across her face, her eyes were deep pools of wonder, then the vision was hazier, more blurry. It was hard to see it clearly, but I was almost sure that in the vision my ear was pressed to Bella's heart. I gasped, how could I be so close to her? Was that right? The possible futures blurred through Alice's mind, my reaction effecting them.

But I couldn't be sure of what I'd seen. Could that really be a possibility? I was suddenly elated and equally devastated, because I _wasn't_ strong enough. The blurry futures so jumbled by my own insecurity showed the possibility of her death as well. One minute I'm close to her and the next she's lifeless, broken in my arms.

_No, _that wouldn't happen. I shook my head, the internal war raged on and I saw the visions again swirling in Alice's mind, now Bella was leaning against me. _Like a bird trapped in the claws of a tiger, _I told myself.

I couldn't speak.

Carlisle and Esme watched me curiously, puzzling over the conflicting expressions that played across my face.

Jasper was weighing Alice's feelings of growing confidence, as well as sensing my own conflict while the visions played out.

When Alice looked at Jasper again she said, "There's still a chance of course, but Edward is getting more sure that he won't hurt her. The odds are definitely better. Maybe 70/30 that she lives."

I groaned, that wasn't good enough.

She looked at me and silently apologized. _I'm sorry about earlier. I freaked out, but it's changing all the time. I don't think you will hurt her. You must be doing something right._

Yes, the thing that I was doing right was _attempting_ to make no mistakes. The only problem is knowing what things _are _mistakes. I thought of earlier today when I'd touched her face. Even the memory made my hand tingle, _that _had been a mistake, so how could the visions Alice had just had of my being close to her _not_ be mistakes too?

I was suddenly aware of Esme's beaming face. _Can it be? _Esme thought, _It will work out…I'm so glad. What a sweet girl she must be… She still wants to spend time with him… of course she would._

Half of myself rejoiced along with Esme and the other half as always tried to explain why it was so wrong. I read my own euphoric and despairing feelings in Jasper's mind as he thought of is own confidence in Alice, but he knew as well as I did how quickly the future could change from one snap decision. And that's what the problem was.

"Is her smell less appealing to you then?" Carlisle asked, curious as usual. _Or have you simply gained more strength by resisting?_

"No," I admitted feeling ashamed again, "But I have noticed that it's easier to resist and ignore my instincts when I'm around her often."

_Ah, of course. _Carlisle nodded. _Just as I learned to resist._

I wanted to roll my eyes, but didn't want to be rude. What he'd learned to endure was far beyond what I was capable of, but it did give me hope.

Emmett entered the room just then, since, apparently, Rosalie was finished using him as a tool rack. "Hey, sorry about the car, Edward," he said quietly. _I'll help you put it back together if you want. _He told me in his mind so that Rosalie wouldn't hear his promise. _Or I could get you a Vanquish. The top speed is one-ninety. _He grinned at the thought of an even more powerful sports car. _Only, don't tell Rose it was my idea._

"Don't worry about it." I shrugged, answering all his thoughts at once. A disassembled car was the least of my worries at the moment. Perhaps I'd donate the parts to some college or trade school and give the mechanic students something memorable to put together. And a new faster car wouldn't do me much good when Bella could barely stand it when I drove at a hundred. I wanted to have her with me more than I wanted another toy.

Alice smiled and waved her tiny hand at me. "So if you don't care about the car and Bella's safer the more you get used to her, then what are you doing here? You'd better go get used to Bella some more." _The sooner you gain some confidence the sooner I'll get to talk to her!_

Emmett chuckled. _Self-torture… yep… just like a mad-man._

_This is wonderful…Perhaps a new car for a wedding gift…_

"What?" I said involuntarily, my progress to the door halted immediately. Esme's forward thinking was a little too much for me.

"Oh, sorry… I'd talked to Alice before, and… it's a possibility," she said sheepishly.

"Alice…." I said tentatively, not sure if I should be angry or not, knowing how she couldn't seem to help herself from getting caught up in visions of the future.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Alice waved at me again, guessing what Esme must have thought about. She danced to my side, pushing me back toward the door. "You just go and smell Bella some more for me and everything will be fine, you'll see." Her tinkling laughter mixed in with her words.

_Hey, whatever floats your boat. _Emmett was chuckling at his interpretation of what our unexplained conversation could have meant and at my expression as Alice shoved me. My shoes were slippery enough on the hard floor that I was sliding slowly backwards, my body was still ridged from the shock of Esme's thoughts.

I stared into the faces of my family for a moment- all but Rosalie of course who was very pointedly trying not to think about me as she put her tools away. The doubts and fears and pride and confidence and humor in their varied minds, just compounded my own internal struggle. Yet, I knew where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.

Carlisle smiled at the indecision on my face. His thoughts were only slightly concerned, wanting me to be happy, but he simply said, "Go to her."

It was the only thing I needed to hear right then. Turning, I raced out the door. Before I'd made it to the bottom of the stairs, however, I heard them making bets for Saturday on if I'd bring Bella back alive or not. I groaned inwardly.

_No mistakes_. I vowed again.

As I moved through the damp wood, I wondered how it was possible that each night when I ran away from my family and all that was familiar, every step closer to Bella felt more like home. The magnetic pull, growing stronger just as I'd sensed before, was equally frightening as it was wonderful.

She was already asleep when I reached her house and I quickly moved from the shadows of the forest, climbing up to her window and inside her room noiselessly.

There was something wrong tonight. Though her face remained calm, not a single worried line taking away any of the peace from her face, she was obviously restless. She tossed and turned, and several times she startled herself awake, though her eyes didn't ever stay open long enough to focus on anything around her. Her sleep was so important to her health and it bothered me that I couldn't do anything to help her sleep.

I kept a careful distance, knowing it was wise, but struggling with every thought I had of how to calm her. Each thing that I came up with, stroking her hair, singing to her, all were tainted by who I am. She would recoil at my touch, or anything I did would shock her awake. Finally, after too many hours of tossing, Bella fell into a deeper, dream filled sleep.

Looking again at the stack of books near her bed, I finally felt brave enough to move closer to see them, or perhaps my curiosity was finally too much to handle. I held my breath and forced myself to only look at the books and not at her as I bent to retrieve the stack. I felt an odd relief as I held the tattered books that I'd been eyeing for so long. Before I was overcome with the desire to move even closer to her, I swiftly carried the books to the rocking chair and then allowed myself to breathe and look at her again. She was still deeply asleep, her tangled hair was the only evidence of how she'd tossed previously.

Her scent hit me again as I let myself breathe, but it was becoming more tolerable. The pain scorched my throat, I had the stack of books to distract me. Emmett was probably right. It was insanity to put myself in this fire every night, trying to desensitize myself, yet what was the alternative? The more I burned, the safer Bella would be. Many people would have thought the same of Carlisle when he began practicing medicine, and I forced myself to remember that hope.

What was she interested in? _Whuthering Heights_, _Shakespeare, _and the complete works of Jane Austin, the same worn copy that I'd seen her reading before. These three were all at the top of the stack and seemed the most used. Under them, I was surprised to see _Sophie's world - a novel of the history of philosophy_. It looked almost new compared to the other books, and I was surprised that had a book that I'd never even heard of. I decided I'd have to read it some other night while I watched over her sleep.

What other books were in her head? A poetry collection of _Emily Dickinson _and _Tennyson. _These I knew well, and as I gazed at her hair tangled across her pillow and, as I thought of the Lullaby that she'd inspired, I remembered a line from Tennyson. _There is sweet music here, that softer falls than petals from blown roses on the grass, or night-dews on still waters between walls of shadowy granite, in a gleaming pass._ I closed my eyes and thought of the meadow I was going to take her too and of Alice's most recent vision, blurry though it was. I inhaled deeply, willing myself to grow stronger, more accustomed to her scent.

After I finished looking at all the other titles and took note of their variety, I carefully placed the stack back on the floor by her bed exactly as I'd found them. Then I walked around to her nightstand to look at the stack of CD's.

I was closer to her now than I'd ever allowed myself to be during my nightly visits. She was on her side facing toward the nightstand, and the urge to touch her face, as I had done only once before, felt overwhelming. My hand tingled again and I moved quickly back to the rocking chair before I could read the titles on the CD cases.

No mistakes.

I couldn't touch her now and risk her waking up. I would just have to be patient and go very, very slowly. Losing control even if it was just wanting to be closer to her wasn't acceptable, and I knew I needed more practice being near her. _If _being close to her wasn't a mistake in itself.

Why did love have to be so complicated?

_Knowing what her favorite music is will just have to wait for my questions tomorrow. _I smiled at the thought of finally being able to ask her all the questions that had been burning in my mind.

For the rest of the night I sat in the rocking chair and compiled my list so that I'd be ready when I picked her up for school. The real question that I always had in the back of my mind I wouldn't be able to just ask her. Knowing how she thought, the tone of the voice in her head, was probably something I could never experience, but perhaps I could somehow ask enough specific questions to piece together what her mind might sound like.

_If only I could hear it myself._

How many minds did I wish I could block out forever and the one person that I would give anything to just get a glimpse into the inner workings of her mind was, apparently, forever barred from me.

Some people thought in linier ways, and other people thought disjointedly or like they were finding their way through a maze. I wondered how her mind worked, trying to imagine the sound. Would her minds voice sound like? Her speaking voice? She always said so little in school and yet her expressions said so much more than her mouth, and whenever she did speak it seemed that everything she said surprised me. What _was_ her process of thought?

The night passed quickly as I mused and thought of ways to encourage her to speak her mind. I was ecstatic when the morning light filtered through the fog, brightening her room. Once I heard Charlie stir, I knew it was time to leave her side.

I ran home, changed, and quickly drove my car back to Bella's house, arriving just as Charlie was heading out the front door. I waited where he wouldn't notice me, until he drove out of sight and parked where the cruiser had been.

I saw Bella sneak a peak out her window, and laughed at the surprised look on her face. Hadn't she figured out by now that I was unable to stay away from her? I thought about knocking on her door so I could properly escort her to the car, but also didn't want to rush her if she wasn't ready yet. After all, she'd still been in bed just a short time ago.

Before I had time to wonder what the proper etiquette for our newfound situation was, Bella was shutting the door and making her way to the car, while I tried to remind myself to tone down my enthusiasm and ordered my list of questions with the easiest ones first.

She paused before opening the passenger door. It reminded me of how I'd scared her yesterday when she asked why she couldn't see me hunt, but today was my turn for questions and I was going to make her feel as safe as possible.

"Good morning," I said, my non-scary voice forced, it came easily around her. I smiling at her expression as she took her seat. She was staring at me with those wonder filled eyes again, like she was still waiting for me to disappear. I looked over her face, seeing the tiredness that was inevitable after the way she'd tossed and turned last night, "How are you today?" I added.

"Good, thank you," she said, and her face brightened as she smiled at me.

I was worried about the circles under her eyes. I wished I could help her sleep more soundly, wondering again if singing the song that she'd inspired would help. But, she'd have to know that I was there, and it seemed unlikely that she'd appreciate my nightly vigilance. No matter how often I heard her say my name as she slept, I couldn't believe she'd actually appreciate the idea of me watching her each night. I stared at the circles under her eyes again and wondered what she had dreamed of that kept her from sleeping deeply. Maybe the dreams of me weren't exactly peaceful ones.

"You look tired," I said, and quickly started trying to count the actual number of hours since she'd calmed down. The time I spent with her always flew by in such a blur, it was hard to determine. Not enough for her to feel awake and refreshed.

"I couldn't sleep," she admitted, shifting her hair over her shoulder as she usually did when she didn't want me to see her face.

"Neither could I," I said, unable to resist, and trying to make her feel more comfortable. As strange as it was getting used to the idea that Bella wasn't bothered by the realities of my life, in truth, it was nice being able to be so honest with her.

"I guess that's right," she laughed. "I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

"I'd wager you did."

"So what did you do last night?" she asked.

"Not a chance," I told her with a quiet laugh. "It's my day to ask questions."

"Oh, that's right," she said in a tone that made me think she wished I'd forgotten. "What do you want to know?"

_What didn't I want to know… _So much about her was a mystery to me.

"What's your favorite color?" I asked, starting with the easy questions but intensely interested at every detail that made her unique.

"It changes from day to day," she shrugged, not taking the question seriously I guessed.

"What's your favorite color today?"

"Probably brown," she answered, glancing down at her sweater. Did she only say that because she happened to be wearing that color today?

"Brown?" I snorted, this wasn't going to work if she didn't answer my questions seriously.

"Sure. Brown is warm. I _miss _brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown – tree trunks, rocks, dirt – is all covered up with squashy green stuff here." Her face had pulled together into an almost scowl with the pucker between her eye-brows appearing again.

I was wrong. She _was_ taking my question seriously, but even the answer to a simple question like what her favorite color was surprised me. Her reactions were always so fascinating. I stared into the pool of her deep brown eyes, filled with sincerity, and agreed with her. Brown was the most beautiful color I'd ever seen. I was struck by how everything about her was warm and trusting, and in that instant I understood her answer.

"You're right. Brown is warm," I said, and without thinking I lifted my hand and brushed her chestnut hair back behind her shoulder. It felt like silk threads between my fingers. I had to force myself to put my hand back on the steering wheel, gripping it tightly. I wasn't following my no mistakes rule as well as I should.

When we pulled up to the school I quickly thought through the next section of my questions, and still plagued by the mystery of what the stack of CD's by her bed consisted of, I started with that.

"What music is in your CD player right now?" I asked, remembering the empty jewel case at the top of the stack.

"Linkin Park," she said, smiling in such a way that I knew there must be a story behind it. I grinned at her in return, reaching to pull my own copy out to show her. It was always nice when I learned something else we had in common.

"Debussy to this?" I asked skeptically, hoping she'd explain what the look had meant. Instead, she just stared at the CD and shrugged.

Sensing she still wasn't truly at ease talking about herself with me, I exited the car and walked around to open her door for her. But again, the slow pace I was forced to move at in the crowded parking lot prevented me from reaching her door before she opened it herself. I contented myself with walking close to her, but kept my hands in my pockets so I wouldn't be tempted to take her hand in mine as I wanted to do.

Before she had time to speak I started questioning her again. Mainly just going through the questions about her favorite things.

"What's your favorite season?"

"In Phoenix, fall. In Forks, summer."

I could understand that, she loved the sun and warmth, but apparently not the hottest time in Phoenix.

"Favorite breakfast food?"

"Eggs."

"Why?" Perhaps it was a dumb question, but I wanted to know.

"They're cheep and fill me up more than pop tarts."

"Do you have them often?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I'm generally running late."

"Do you like them scrambled?"

"Not as much as fried, but I'm not very good at making them that way."

"Sunny-side-up?"

"Eww. No."

I chuckled quietly. What was it with humans and how their eggs were cooked? And why did this small detail about her fascinate me so much?

"What's your favorite household chore?"

"Cooking, I guess. I almost always cooked for my Mom." She made a slight face at that and I wondered why. "Charlie's a terrible cook."

"Why did you cook for your mom?"

"Well, she liked to experiment in the kitchen and it didn't always turn out so good."

"You don't experiment?"

"I do actually, but I tend to put things together that were actually meant to be together." Her expression turned bemused and she smiled up at the ceiling and I held the door of the school open for her.

"What are you thinking? You looked like you were remembering something just then." How I wished I could see that memory too.

"Oh, well… I was just thinking about the time my mother put cumin and cloves in the spaghetti sauce." She glanced at my blank expression, but I asked the follow-up question before she could say more.

"What are they supposed to go in?"

"Usually cumin goes in chili, or something, and cloves goes in pies or cookies." She looked up at me and smiled. "It was a little weird to say the least."

I couldn't remember much about the taste of food and wondered at the skill that she had. Perhaps I could learn to recognize the proper combinations of ingredients by their smell even if it wasn't appealing to me? I was suddenly sad, only because I could never properly experience anything that she prepared.

"What is your least favorite chore?" I continued quickly, hiding my sudden despondency.

"Well, folding clothes is like torture, so probably that." She chuckled softly, and I gladly thought of how quickly I could do that job for her, but perhaps she'd think it was too personal a thing for me to help with. I wondered if I could fold clothes without her knowing it. Maybe while she slept? She might just think that Charlie had done it. I didn't want to offend her though, or give away my uninvited presence in her house at night. I shook my head, picturing myself as not only the guarding vampire but the helpful elf.

I was pathetic.

After a few more random questions, I had to leave her at her first class and walk the opposite direction to my own classroom. I thought about ditching. It wasn't like I was learning anything in my classes anyway, but contented myself to simply being right at her classroom door when she came back out so I wouldn't lose any time for my next round of questions.

"What was the last book that you read before moving to Forks?"

She paused briefly before answering. "_Gone With the Wind. _I finished it on the trip up here."

"Why did you start reading it?" I wondered if it was some school assignment or if she chose to read it voluntarily.

"My mom always wanted to read it, but never got more than half way through. She ended up just watching the movie, but I wondered if the book was any better than the movie was."

"Did you like the book more than the movie?"

"No, they were pretty similar, but when I read the book I understood the characters more than just watching the movie."

"Which part of the story did you appreciate the most," I asked, thinking of the beginning of the story and how innocent their lives were before the war.

"The ending."

I looked at her in surprise wondering how she could think that. I'd always thought it was so depressing.

She answered my unspoken question before I could ask it. "When she's begging Rhett to stay she's finally realized what she had all along. She had the pot of gold and coveted the pot of bronze, but didn't know till the end."

"But he doesn't believe that she's sincere and he leaves. The story ends with her alone." How could she appreciate an ending like that? She was such an unusual girl. Didn't most girls adore happy endings above all else?

"It's a good ending because even though it's sad and ironic she doesn't feel defeated. She cries at first but then she just knows she can win him back because she's Scarlett O'Hara and can just think about it tomorrow, like it's a challenge to her."

"Because she can endure anything?" I guessed, wondering what it was about the character that appealed to her.

"Yes… in a way, but at the end she has nothing left to prove to herself because she's proven over and over again that nothing will stand in her way. She knows that and is stronger by all that she went through. So, it's not just endurance, she knows she can overcome things."

At that point I had to leave her at her next class and go to my own again. I still couldn't believe that each moment she could surprise me more, and we'd only talked about one book.

I never could understand Scarlett O'Hara's appeal, she'd always reminded me too much of Rosalie, self-absorbed and grasping for more. Yet, Bella was able to see something else in the character that I'd never considered. Maybe the appeal to Bella was the strength that she perceived in the character. Bella always seemed so frail and so helpless, and she was physically more frail than other humans, but I remembered the look of fierce determination when she was about to be attacked in Port Angeles. I realized suddenly that her strength of spirit was infinitely more substantial than I'd considered before.

In between each of our classes I continued to ask her questions about the books that she'd read. Each answer seemed to give me more hints into her character, and though it did reveal more about her in some ways, it only made me see just how much I still didn't understand.

When we got to talking about _Sense and Sensibility_, for instance, she explained how she disliked Marianne at first because she came across as childish and superficial for most of the book and flung herself into her love for Willoughby ignoring the quiet pain of her sister. I could completely agree with this admission, but noted how she said she'd viewed Marianne at first and how she'd described Scarlett.

"You said you disliked her at first, but what about the end?" I asked, wondering as I always did if there was more to her thought process.

"Well, I still didn't like her at the end, but she was the character that I remembered the most." Bella looked down the hall as if she were seeing a different world in her mind than the one around her.

"What did you keep remembering about her?" I couldn't keep from trying to read her mind even though it was useless.

"It was sad because she agreed to a half-life in a way. Her marriage with Colonel Brandon was probably a happy marriage, but she left most of herself behind." Bella's eyes pooled momentarily with unshed tears and I was struck by her tenderness. She obviously felt more deeply than she ever let on. "The real Marianne is gone at the end," Bella went on sadly, "She's more mature by then, but that carefree passion that was so much apart of who she was, burned away through her grief."

The sadness in Bella's eyes struck me. I'd always seen Colonel Brandon and Marianne as a beautiful example of the right kind of love, not just the passionate fiery love, but a love that was alive and healing to both of them. I could see Marianne's sadness, but more than that was the wisdom that she'd gained. I saw the beginning of their love at the end of the book as something that would keep growing, getting better and being better for them rather than just a 'happy marriage.' But Bella hadn't seemed to admire the type of love that Marianne exemplified either. In fact, Bella seemed more reserved and shy, the very opposite of Marianne, yet she obviously felt deeply for her. Even if she said she didn't like the character really.

What did this mean? Did she wish she were more outgoing?

My speculations about how she'd answered each question plagued me as I sat through my classes. Fortunately, none of the teachers felt inclined to call on me and I was free to speculate until I was with Bella again at lunch.

I wanted to talk further about these things, about the characters and my own opinions of them as well. I could have discussed the plot and character qualities of each part from all the books I asked her about, but there would be time later. Right now I needed to just get an overview of as much of her life and opinions as possible.

Unable to get away from the topic of books for a while though I picked another good overview question. "What's the oldest book that you've read?"

"_Don Quixote, _probably. I didn't finish it though," she said in between bites of her lunch. "Does it still count?"

"Sure it counts, but why didn't you finish it." Sometimes the act of leaving something undone told just as much about a person as finishing it, and she didn't seem like the type of person that would normally abandon anything.

"I thought it was interesting enough, but parts of it were…just… vulgar," She wrinkled her nose like she'd just smelled something terrible, "It got on my nerves."

I laughed and wondered again if she'd ever stop saying things that would surprise me. My reaction must have surprised her too. She looked up quickly when I laughed and choked on a bite of food, blushing deeply.

"Okay, so _Don Quixote _can be tossed in the loony bin," I said, hoping that she would see that I wasn't laughing at her.

I continued the list of questions each time I walked her to her classes and hardly let her eat as I worked through the list at lunch.

My list didn't seem to get any shorter though as I kept thinking of new questions to ask. We talked about Mrs De Winter in Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca. Bella's combined revulsion in the character and pride that the character had been able to pull off all her deception off was fascinating to me, and this was coming from one who was so bothered by double standards and who had said that she didn't like to lie. It seemed that the only accomplishment I would get from all of these questions was just a deeper fascinating into her personality and the silent workings of her mind.

She began to respond more quickly with her answers as the day progressed without over thinking, but there was the occasional blush after an answer that always lead me to ask more questions. Like when I'd asked her what her favorite gemstone was.

"Topaz," she blurted out and then blushed deeply.

I was about to ask her favorite flower, but I had to find out why she flushed and turned her head away from me. Such strange reactions she had. Why would she blush at such a thing?

I tried the persuasive "Please" that seemed to work so well before, but she wouldn't look at me, finally I reminded her that we were past the evasiveness.

"Tell me," I blurted out, feeling like I'd lose my mind with curiosity, and asking questions was supposed to be helping that!

"It's the color of your eyes today," she said quietly, looking down at a strand of her hair that she was fiddling with. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."

I was speechless for a second and then felt happier than I'd been all day, but I couldn't let that feeling reign in me or take the time to remind myself why she shouldn't know me so well. It was too late for remorse regardless, and I couldn't stop asking her more questions now that I'd started. So when I found my voice again, I just launched into the next round.

I had to stop my quizzing when Mr. Banner came into the Biology lab to set up the boring movie that we'd started the day before. Remembering how hard it had been yesterday, being so close to Bella in the dark, I scooted my chair farther away from her just before Mr. Banner turned out the light.

It didn't help.

That same electric spark was ignited between us. Bella seemed tense as she leaned forward over our table and rested her chin on her folded arms. Her fingertips gripped the edge of the desk. I wondered again what she was thinking, having the answers to some of my questions only made me want to know her even more deeply. She grew more fascinating to me at each passing moment. Even though I still wished I could just read her mind, I realized in that moment that, in some ways, learning about her in this conventional way was more enjoyable. It was like putting puzzle pieces together instead of just seeing the picture. Or perhaps it was more like exploring a maze or a garden. Perhaps exploring a jungle would be a more appropriate description of her thoughts, filled with surprising exotic rarities around every corner.

.._Can't believe she likes him. Just look at him stare at her… Disgusting, Freak._

Mike interrupted my thoughts as the movie started, brightening the room slightly. He was thinking daggers at me again, but it didn't matter anymore. I just smiled when I remembered how Bella had chosen me, said "yes" to me, and now I was the one allowed to unlock her secrets. He'd done a pretty poor job of it when he'd had the chance, and his imaginary Bella was not at all like the girl who sat beside me and who I was getting to know.

It was easy to tune him out when I was watching Bella. I wanted to touch her hair, brush it away from her face again so that I could see her eyes. The electricity between us jolted me as I thought of this and I forced my hands to stay in their tight fists.

_It would never be enough so don't start. No mistakes. No _more_ mistakes. _

I kept telling myself this, thinking of her delicacy, and the more I thought of her in that way the more I wanted to feel her soft skin under my finger tips. I thought of Alice's hazy vision of Bella in the meadow with me so close to her, but I couldn't be sure that's really what I saw. Knowing I wanted to be near to her could effect one of Alice's visions, yet I've already decided not to make any mistakes. Could _not _touching her be the mistake? But what if I was only thinking that now because I was trying to give myself an excuse to allow a mistake?

_Either way I shouldn't touch her now because I'm not sure. It is always better to err on the side of caution. _I told myself, yet the more I thought of touching her, the more I really knew I shouldn't and the more I wanted to anyway. I breathed in deeply, focusing on the burning that I felt in my throat to clear my head. It helped only marginally.

When the lights were finally turned back on, Bella sighed. I stood up waiting for her. I couldn't say anything as I walked her to gym. My list of questions disregarded for the moment as I tried to convince myself why I should not allow myself to touch her face again.

_It was a good memory, _I told myself, _but that's all you get._

My finger tips tingled again with that same fire I'd felt before, this same time yesterday, when I allowed myself to touch her face. As we approached the door to the gym I wondered if I'd feel that same fire if her skin touched the back of my hand.

My good sense lost the battle and I reached slowly up to her temple and stroked down to her jaw. I turned, before I could talk myself into anything more than that, and walked away. My entire hand was now on fire and the tingle went part way up my arm.

Emmett saw me then as we walked into Spanish class together. _Any new experiments with humans on your mind? _He thought, chuckling, as he remembered the little performance we put on yesterday.

"Not today," I said, still thinking about how I should not touch Bella anymore.

_Wow. _Emmett thought looking at me closely, _he looks different. _

I saw myself through Emmett's eyesand wondered what he was talking about. "What?" I whispered under my breathe.

_You've lost your touch man. I bet you couldn't scare anyone now even if you wanted to. _He chuckled again. _Seriously, you look like Bambi did when he was in love._

I glared at him.

_Oooh, like that look can scare me. _

I saw my face through his mind and had to agree with his assessment. He'll be laughing over this for the next decade.

_I bet I could beat you in a fight now, even if you did cheat. _

Hearing his thoughts wasn't cheating. "Don't count on it." I whispered, smirking at his childish humor.

He just had time to chuckle again before class started and we both had to fain the usual amount of attention.

When I met Bella outside of her Gym class her smile beamed up at me and I grinned back before I launched into my cross-examination again. We'd already made it through over half of the questions that I'd compiled and I began asking her things about her childhood.

"What activities were you interested in when you were younger?"

"I took ballet for awhile, but I was never any good at it. I think Mom was hoping to find something that would help my coordination, but the year I twisted my ankle at the big recital, she decided it was probably a lost cause."

"Anything else?"

"I tried ice skating once."

"And how did that go?"

"She considered putting me back in ballet."

I laughed loudly, and was happy to see her laughing with me. With every question I asked, she grew more and more animated. Perhaps one day I would be able to see a photo album or something form when she was young.

We sat in my car in front of her house while the sudden down pour blurred the scenery outside. I asked about her home in Phoenix and what things she missed. She told me about the scent of creosote, "bitter, slightly resinous, but still pleasant," she'd said. The sound of cicadas in July, how the trees looked feathery in their barrenness, the expansive sky. Why she thought the barren landscape was so beautiful, how each shape and angle of the rocks and spiny vegetation was held in stark beauty by the sun. I was full of wonder with each passing moment as her eyes seemed to light up, as if the sun that she described was shinning from their brown depths. Not even the rain that continued to pour outside the car seemed to dampened her spirits.

When she'd finished describing almost poetically the beauty of the Arizona landscape, I asked her about the house she'd grown up in. She described in detail what her cluttered room looked like, and what books and things she left behind that she wanted to ask her mom to send to her. When she was finished telling me about her mother and how mush she missed her, she looked up at me. I was thinking of all that she'd said and the life she'd left behind. She should go back to that.

"Are you finished?" She probably wondered why I didn't have another question immediately ready, but I didn't have much more time with her.

"Not even close – but your father will be home soon."

"Charlie!" she gasped, then looked around bewildered, like she'd forgotten everything else in the world but us. I knew exactly how she felt. "How late is it?" she asked, and I hated to admit that our day was coming to an end.

"It's twilight," I muttered, realizing that this used to be my favorite time of day. It meant the sun no longer hindered me or my family, and we felt freer somehow. Yet now, with Bella at my side, I found I wanted the day to keep going. She loved the sun and light, and when she was asleep I wouldn't be able to talk with her. Talking to her seemed to be the only thing that mattered in my life now. She was truly changing my perspective.

When I turned, seeing her curiosity, I recognized that earnest desire to know every detail of my world.

"It's the safest time of day for us," I explained. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way...the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"

"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars. Not that you see them here much," she added, and I laughed at the childlike way she nearly pouted. I'd never admit it to her, I didn't want her to think I was patronizing or belittling her, but I couldn't help but find her petulance endearing. The strangest things seemed to irritate her. She'd surprised me once again by her sudden appreciation for the darkness when so much of what she missed was the warmth and sunshine.

"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Saturday..." I suggested, wishing hopefully the she'd help me protect her in some small way.

"Thanks, but no thanks," she said stubbornly, grabbing her books. "So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"

"Certainly not!" I said, feigning shock. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

"What more is there?" she asked, a hint of her earlier nervousness coming back.

"You'll find out tomorrow," I teased, reaching to open her door for her. I was just beginning to enjoy the sound of her heart racing from my close proximity, when something completely unwelcome interrupted it.

_This is totally out of line. The treaty _should _cover this. He shouldn't be here… and with Charlie's daughter… _

"Not good," I said under my breath, debating for a moment whether I should whisk Bella away to somewhere she wouldn't have to deal with what was surely coming. Of course, I knew that would only make things worse.

"What is it?" Bella asked worriedly.

I looked toward her and willed myself to remain calm. "Another complication," I said, trying to keep the edge out of my voice.

_Wow, awesome car… nothings stock at all on that thing… man I wish I had the money for the part I need._

I quickly opened Bella's door and sat back firmly in my seat, determined to hold my ground steadily with Charlie so near and Billy's son beside him. This was not the time or place for a confrontation.

"Charlie's around the corner," I said to Bella, as I heard his muffled thoughts drawing closer. I was actually more concerned with the other people coming, and assumed they were the Blacks. Jacob did seem to be smitten remembering Bella's attempted flirtation to pump him for information, but I didn't think I needed to worry about him. No, his father was the one wishing that he could interfere in our relationship.

Bella jumped out of the car, and I hated that I had to leave her there. She'd understand soon enough the necessity of it, but it didn't make it any easier to drive away. With a hard pump on the accelerator, I put as much distance between Billy and me as I could. Part of me wanted to stay behind, to make sure Billy didn't do or say anything to upset her, but I knew no good could come of my staying and listening in.

Even after I got home, I was upset with the thoughts that I'd heard in Billy's head. After all, I hadn't broken any treaty, even though Billy's own son did. I hadn't done anything wrong, I hadn't even informed my family about how Bella was _told _about us. They just thought that she'd figured it out on her own. It irked me that Billy would think this was any of his business.

When I got home I decided to calm my mind at the piano. Much to Esme's delight, I played all of her favorites, as well as the piece Bella had inspired.

Emmett and Jasper were outside wrestling the entire time I was home. Rosalie was with them, watching and giving them pointers, much to their annoyance, I realized with a smile. Alice occasionally thought of her visions of being friends with Bella, but nothing to give me any concern. Thankfully their thoughts and opinions didn't disturb me much, and I let the music surround me until my mind turned to a more pleasant topic.

While I played, I stared at the bottle cap that I'd placed on the piano again and thought through everything that Bella had said. What was it about her that was so compelling? I realized that it was a certain spark, a passion, hidden from the unobservant, but still there, underneath everything that she loved and believed. In some ways she was an odd blend of opposites, yet unlike myself they weren't warring against each other. The unlikely and unique, seemingly opposite things about her that I'd only gotten a glimpse of today, fascinated me more than anything else. The backwards way in which she seemed to think was baffling. She was utterly dissimilar to any other seventeen year old mind that I'd ever known.

Knowing her more fully gave me a small amount of confidence, even through my doubts, to believe that there would not be a time that I would ever hurt her. I'd come to realize that hurting her would be like hurting myself and that was even more true now the more I grew to love her.

_I could hurt her _accidentally_ though…_The thought tortured me again, _but I wouldn't do that if I could keep perfectly controlled around her. _

I wondered how likely that was, if that were truly possible. I'd begun to sense so many strange and unexpected feelings around her that I didn't know if I _could _trust myself. If I did allow myself to touch her again or hold her I'd have to be concentrating the whole time on every side of my nature. Keeping the thirst back and not killing her in that way, and holding her gently enough to not crush her and kill her in that way. Add all that to balancing these new human emotions that I wasn't used to feeling let alone controlling.

If Alice's blurry vision was remotely possible, this was going to take a lot of concentration. I had no way to gauge my reaction to that electricity that always sparked between us when we touched, and I was afraid that it might distract me enough to lose a measure of concentration, and then I _could_ hurt her.

Panic overwhelmed me for an instant as I envisioned her death, that other blurry possible future in the meadow. I couldn't let that happen above all else.

_Maybe I should cancel our plans._

Suddenly, Alice interrupted my thoughts. _Edward, stop freaking out! Whatever you keep thinking about is messing up this weekend and I wanted to say hi to Bella tomorrow! _She frowned at me from across the room. _Anyway, you promised I could at least meet her when we leave to go hunting after lunch._

I sighed, realizing it wasn't helping anything to perpetuate these thoughts of indecision. I had decided today that I would ask Alice to go hunting with me tomorrow, but _hadn't _promised that she could officially meet Bella. She had not only seen the vision of me asking for her to join me but apparently had seen an unsaid promise too_,_ and I let it go, nodding at Alice.

_I'll take her to my meadow on Saturday as we planned. _I thought firmly. Alice smiled then and turned back to her computer.I couldn't help smiling too. She could be extremely irritating, just like any little sister, but the camaraderie we shared always squelched any anger that I felt toward her.

Bella was counting on our time together regardless, and at any other place I wouldn't be able to stand in the sun with her. If I didn't keep her with me she would probably go to Seattle like she'd originally planned and the inevitable catastrophe waiting for her wherever she went was a given. At least if I kept her with me I was the one in control of her safety rather than some uncaring fate. I could stand in the sun with her in two days and she would see me for what I am.

And she would finally run, screaming at my alienness.

How could I delude myself by thinking otherwise? Really, what good was it to be so concerned with being able to hold her or not when she wouldn't want that after seeing me anyway?

It's bound to happen at some point.

If it were possible to walk on the edge of this painful blade without falling into either chasm of her death or the death of her soul, she would still be giving up too much by loving me. Our time together was numbered no matter how I looked at it.

Especially after learning so much about her today, I knew that she deserved far more than anything I could give her. But she needed to know why she shouldn't love me, and I wondered if seeing me in the sun, seeing how utterly different we are would convince her why she should run.

_I would let her go, but how will I survive if she leaves me?_


	4. Balancing 14 and Confessions 15

--Stephanie Meyer owns the rights to all of this (of course, but I have to say that all the time so I don't get into trouble.)

-- I like to visit about all this, so if anyone wants to write to me feel free!

**Balancing- 14**

I timed my arrival to Bella's house the same as yesterday, parking immediately after Charlie was gone. Bella came out of the house and walked straight to the passenger side and jumped in. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face when she was near me.

"How did you sleep?"

"Fine. How was your night?"

My smile widened as I remembered how I'd watched her sleeping peacefully and how I'd heard my name cross her lips more than once. "Pleasant."

"Can I ask what you did?" She sounded like she knew I was keeping something from her. Or maybe that was just my guilty conscious.

"No." I was glad I still had a good excuse. "Today is still _mine,_" I reminded her, unable to hold back the satisfied smile that spread across my face.

We were far enough down the list to the part where I had sectioned out questions about the people in her life. I had more questions about her Mom and what they did together. Other relatives and school friends, what she missed about them and what she didn't miss.

By lunch, she was no longer showing any signs of embarrassment as I pressed for more details, and I felt a sudden bout of confidence, finally asking the question I'd been the most interested in.

"What about old boyfriends?" I asked as casually as I could manage. "Did you leave any broken hearts behind when you left?"

Her face turned red, and I wondered if perhaps she was about to tell me something I didn't really want to hear. After all, I was still getting used to the feeling of jealousy. I tried to keep my expression relaxed as I waited for her answer.

"Not really," she finally said, though she was still blushing. "I mean, no one showed me much attention, which was pretty much how I wanted it. I guess I had a crush or two growing up, but I never felt compelled to do anything about it."

"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked, watching her face closely. Why would she blush so much if that were really the case?

"Not in Phoenix," she replied firmly, her eyes staring unblinkingly into mine.

Ah, she wasn't blushing about the past, and I again wasn't sure quite how to handle her assurtion. Caught again between what I wanted and what I kept telling myself I _should _want, I wasn't sure what to say. To have her so often admitting that she wanted me when I knew that I was the last person she should be around was at once frustrating and oddly…gratifying. I desperately desired to give her anything and everything she wanted, yet the only thing she seemed to want was to spend time with the one person she shouldn't be with. It was the world's most ironic paradox.

_Edward. Don't forget about her truck. And can't I please talk to her yet? You have to tell her why we are leaving early from school anyway._

Alice's not so subtle commentary, along with a quick smile in my direction, interrupted my thoughts from across the room.

"I should have let you drive yourself today," I said, but knew why I'd intentionally let this dilemma slip my memory.

"Why?" she asked in surprise.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch." Was it wrong for me to conveniently arrainge everything so that I could spend as much time with her as possible?

"Oh," she said, frowning slightly. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."

"I'm not going to make you walk home." I couldn't believe she'd think that I could be so unchivalrous. As I'd surmised before, she was obvious not used to being taken care of. That would be changing for her very soon. "We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

"I don't have a key with me," she sighed sadly. "I really don't mind walking."

Like a little thing as not having a key would stop me. "Your truck will be here, and the key will be in the ignition – unless you're afraid someone might steal it," I teased, laughing at the thought.

"All right," she said, a hint of defiance in her voice. I could almost hear the challenge as she was obviously trying to figure out what I was up to.

"So where are you going?" she asked when I refused to divulge my secret.

"Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I can." I wondered if this would make her realize the danger she would be in and change her mind.

"You can always cancel, you know," I felt compelled to add. If she showed even the slightest bit of hesitation, I would not allow myself to go through with our plans.

"No," she said quietly. "I can't."

"Perhaps you're right." It seemed to be too late to back out now, and the war in my mind of right and wrong raged on again as it had since the first moment I was near her.

"What time will I see you tomorrow?" she asked quietly. Her eyes dropped down to the table, and once again her obvious desire to be with me made the one side of my nature euphoric at the realization.

"That depends ... it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?"

"No," she answered quickly, and I tried to hide my smile along with the secret of my nightly vigilence.

"The same time as usual, then. Will Charlie be there?"

"No, he's fishing tomorrow," she said, clearly elated about the fact. I felt my fists clench at the realization that I couldn't even tell myself he was at home waiting for her.

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I pressed. _Please, give me something._

"I have no idea," she said casually. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."

She was trying to make light of what I was most fearful of, and I was suddenly infuriated. She really did have no sense of self-preservation at all. It was such a basic survival instinct that I often had felt like there must be something truly wrong with her brain, yet all humans were like this to a degree and I knew now that she was just being stubborn. She met my glare with her own and I knew I would not be able to change her mind about telling Charlie.

"What are you hunting tonight?" she asked calmly after a few moments of our glaring match, obviously in a hurry to remind me how completely normal she found my atrocious existence. I might have thought she was putting on an act for my benefit, but her heartbeat and breathing remained perfectly steady. It was as if she'd simply asked me what I was having for lunch, which was, in fact, the case.

"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going far."

"Why are you going with Alice?"

"Alice is the most...supportive." That was an understatement; she was practically flying out her seat at this very moment as she saw how many minutes it would be before she'd get to be introduced to her future best friend.

"And the others? What are they?"

I tried to think of the nicest possible way to say it.

"Incredulous, for the most part," I sighed, and I saw her glance nervously toward my family.

"They don't like me," she said flatly, and I wondered suddenly why it should bother her to think that a family of vampires didn't care for her.

"That's not it," I said, though it wasn't entirely true. Rosalie had made her opinion very clear. "They don't understand why I can't leave you alone," I added, hoping that would help her understand that it wasn't about her.

"Neither do I, for that matter," she mumbled, the little pucker between her eyebrows appeared again.

I shook my head in disbelief. "I told you: you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."

She glared at me, clearly doubting my words. She didn't seem to realize what a great compliment it was for someone who can read minds and has existed for so long to say this about her.

"Having the advantages I do, I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you ... you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise," I said, trying to explain it to her. By the look on her face, I didn't think she could accept the compliment.

Her gaze left mine, her expression turned dismal, and I hoped she didn't think that I found her fascinating just because I couldn't read her mind. What may have started as pure intrigue had quickly grown to admiration and affection, and before I knew what was happening, I'd fallen unwittingly in love with her.

"That part is easy enough to explain," I continued when she still didn't look at me. I had to make her see how extraordinary she was in every way. "But there's more...and it's not so easy to put into words—"

_That's it, Edward. I'm done. I just don't have it in me to sit here and listen to your ridiculous lunchtime love confessions..._

Rosalie's sharp thoughts broke through my already disjointed speech, and I turned to see her staring directly at Bella. Bella was staring back with wide eyes at Rosalie's hateful glare.

_She's not worth it. Look at her, she's the most uninteresting looking human here. And for _that _we are risking our way of life. _

I hissed softly in her direction, and it was enough. Without a glance at me, she turned to Emmett and motioned for them to leave. When I looked back at Bella, her eyes were wide. I could only imagine how much worse it would have been if she'd heard what I'd been forced to hear.

"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see...it's dangerous for more than just me if, after spending so much time with you so publicly..." I turned away, ashamed, not wanting to finish the thought.

"If?"

"If this ends...badly." I couldn't bear to look into her eyes any longer. I dropped my head into my hands and let the guilt and the fear wash over me. I should have left, I should have let her hate me from the start. At least then she'd be safe. Though my head was in my hands, I saw her inch her hand toward my hair, and I longed to feel her soothing touch in my miserable moment. I couldn't blame her, though, when she pulled away at the last second. Why would she want to be near me when I had just confessed my family's fears that I would kill her? I was amazed again that she wasn't running for the door.

"And you have to leave now?" she asked.

"Yes," I whispered, chancing a glance at her face. She was looking at me with disappointment – but not fear. She must just be sad that I was leaving and not afraid. Ridiculous, of course, but a part of me was thrilled again at the thought of how she wanted to be with me.

"It's probably for the best," I added, trying to lighten the mood. "We still have fifteen minutes of that wretched movie left to endure in Biology— I don't think I could take any more."

Bella jumped when she noticed how Alice suddenly was standing behind me.

"Alice," I acknowledged.

"Edward," she said for Bella's benefit. I knew she was beaming without so much as a glance at her.

_I'm here. It would be rude not to introduce us. _

"Alice, Bella – Bella, Alice," I said flatly. I couldn't hold off the introduction forever.

_There, now that wasn't so bad was it?_

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you," she said, and thought. _It's about time_. I glared at her for one quick moment.

"Hi, Alice," Bella said shyly.

"Are you ready yet?" She said and then thought excitedly. _Or can I join you and get to know Bella too?_

"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car." She quickly walked away, mentally complaining the whole time about having to wait so long to get to officially meet her best friend and then not even get to talk to her.

I marveled at her unwavering persistence.

Bella looked away from Alice's retreating figure and said, "Should I say 'have fun,' or is that the wrong sentiment?"

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything." I smiled at her, trying to brighten her mood.

"Have fun, then," but she was obviously trying to sound happier than she felt.

"I'll try." I couldn't stop smiling as I was amazed to realize again how she didn't want me to leave her "And you try to be safe, please."

"Safe in Forks. What a challenge," she muttered sarcastically.

"For you it _is _a challenge. Promise."

"I promise to try to be safe," she said, placating me. "I'll do the laundry tonight. That ought to be fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in," I teased.

"I'll do my best."

It was clear that we were now simply stalling, so I reluctantly stood up. The sooner I finished hunting, the sooner I could get back to her.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She sounded morose now.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I asked, realizing again how every second away from her felt like an hour. She nodded at this, and I smiled again, gratified in an odd way that she felt pained about our time apart.

"I'll be there in the morning," I said, allowing myself to reach over to her face for only the third time and stroke down her fragile cheek bone. Her eyes sparked at my touch as my fingers tingled from her warmth. I forced myself to turn quickly and walk away.

Once I was out of sight from the school, it didn't take long to run to Bella's house and climb through her window as I always did. The key was easy enough to find. I thought of Bella's incredulous face when I told her not to worry about the key. Everything has a distinct smell, and humans weren't as sensitive to this. It didn't take long to find it in a pocket of a pair of jeans under a pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room.

I chuckled a little when I realized she wasn't kidding about needing to do laundry. I almost felt bad that I'd been keeping her so distracted.

Almost.

I drove her truck back to school and fished a piece of paper out of my pocket. I penned, "Be safe," across it and, as I gently folded my little reminder, wondered if Bella would think me too pessimistic. It didn't seem likely that anything would happen to her in the few hours I was away, but I hoped that knowing I was thinking of her would make her especially cautious.

It was never difficult to meet up with Alice when she always could see where I'd be going next, so quite soon, we were in the park hunting together. As we caught the scent of a few deer a hundred or so feet away, I made a face at the smell.

She noticed my grimace and turned to me. "You know, I wouldn't have minded if you wanted to go farther for a better variety_," _she said.

"I know, but I wanted to stay close to home."

_Bella's ruined your appetite in more than one way it seems, _she thought, laughing at the face I made again.

"Come on Let's get this over with." I rolled my eyes at her and we started to run.

When we were on the way back from hunting, Alice was thinking of Bella and saw that she would take something to make her sleep more deeply than usual. _Hey, that's it! _She thought excitedly. _You can practice being close to her since she took that, and there won't be a chance that you'll wake her up!_

"Alice," I said slowly shaking my head while I ran next to her, "It's already wrong for me to be in her room without her knowing I'm there when she's asleep, and now, what? You're saying I should lean over her and smell her so I can tempt myself even more to practice _not _killing her?"

She shrugged. "Seems logical to me."

I suppose it did, but it still seemed wrong.

Once we got back home, I went straight to Bella's house to watch her sleep again. I couldn't help myself anymore, and after tomorrow she might not want to have anything to do with me. How many minutes did I have left before the running and screaming came? Maybe Alice was right, and I should try and prepare myself more. It was better in this controlled environment and with her lying perfectly still. Charlie was in the next room, and that would remind me to stay grounded. It was right for me to keep her safe by coming nearer to her than I normally would, but first I wanted to do something.

She'd done laundry while I was hunting, and I wondered if she'd left any clean clothes unfolded. I went to the laundry room where I'd found her key earlier and saw two baskets full of clean clothes. One basket was folded, and the other wasn't. I moved quickly even for me, folding all the clothes in the basket in just a few minutes. A chuckle rumbled quietly in my chest as I pictured myself as the helpful vampire -elf and also how Alice had probably laughed at my odd behavior as soon as I thought of doing it.

When I was back in Bella's room, my good mood made it easier to be nearer to her. My helpfulness didn't make my uninvited presence any more acceptable, but it made me feel better. Less guilty.

I did practice some as Alice had suggested, kneeling by Bella's bed. I watched her sleep from a much closer distance than I had before. She barely moved all night, lying on her back with her hair smoothed out across her pillow. One strand of hair slipped down from her pillow, and I leaned closer to look at it. I could see each individual hair and the slight variations in the brown, a slight red shone from one strand, an almost gold seemed to glow in another. The color all together was more lively and glossy than a fresh chestnut. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair. Just once while I was here, I pinched the little gathering of hair that had slipped down her pillow between my fingers and moved it up above her head on her pillow again. I couldn't allow myself more, the overwhelming pull to be closer to her terrified me, and I moved away.

Watching her from my usual spot in the rocking chair, I began to wish that it were possible for me to sleep—not just so that I could be human and not be a continual source of danger to her, but just so that I could dream about her and speak her name in my own sleep.

I left before dawn to run home and give her some time to wake and get ready before I ran back to her house. I changed clothes and cleaned up, only saying a brief good morning to my family before taking off again. My nerves were frayed enough as it was without their dubious, concern, and joyful thoughts hammering in on me from every side.

I left quickly.

The light of morning filtered through the trees as I ran to Bella's house. Since she'd said Charlie would be fishing today, I deduced that he would be long gone by the time I arrived. Not wanting to interrupt her morning routine though, I stood off to one side of the house, just out of sight. I grinned when Bella peeked out the window not once, but twice, each time with increasing excitement. Far too anxious, I found myself knocking at her door a bit before our normal meeting time, but since I knew she was up, I couldn't seem to make myself wait any longer.

As I listened to her fumble with the lock, the gravity of the day seemed to come crashing back in on me. Worried for about the millionth time that we were making a mistake, I felt my mood darken as doubt filled me again.

When Bella finally got the door open and was staring adoringly up at me, for a moment, all my worries disappeared. She looked lovely in her tan sweater and blue jeans, casual, comfortable, and magnificently warm. The neutral colors highlighted the pink in her cheeks and the warm brown of her eyes.

"Good morning," I smiled, unable to stop myself from taking another head-to-toe look at her, and chuckled.

"What's wrong?"

"We match," I said lightly. I always liked when our dissimilarities were lessened. She smiled too when she saw what I was wearing.

We walked toward the truck, and with a triumphant smirk, Bella went straight to the driver's side, reminding me of our agreement.

"We made a deal," she said, not hesitating for a moment before climbing in. I sighed, reluctantly taking my seat on the passenger side. "Where to?" she asked.

"Put your seat belt on – I'm nervous already."

She sighed but put on her belt and repeated, "Where to?"

"Take the one-oh-one north," I instructed.

I wasn't sure if it was because of how wary I was about the day, or if I simply wasn't used to traveling at normal, human speeds, but Bella seemed to be driving slower than even the speed limit allowed.

"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I teased, but it would take some time to hike to the meadow after all, and I didn't want to waste our day in this oxidizing hunk of metal.

"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather – have some respect."

Although I was tempted to resume asking her questions, I didn't want anything to make her uncomfortable today, and she seemed perfectly content driving together in silence. I thought it odd at first – most people were so eager to break the silence – but after a few minutes, I decided to accept it with welcome relief. With my constantly having to hear everyone's internal chatter, I relished the quiet, and if Bella was happy, then I was happy. I leaned back and focused on the steady rhythm of her heart beat and quiet breathing. Alice had been right about practicing last night. Even though the burn in my throat and scent of her blood was as potent it seemed more tolerable at this easy distance than when I was so close to her as she slept.

I waited until the last possible moment to break our peaceful silence, by telling her, "Turn right on the one-ten." She turned, and I settled back into my seat again. "Now we drive until the pavement ends."

"And what's there, at the pavement's end?"

"A trail," I said noncommittally.

"We're hiking?" she asked, a hint of fear in her voice. I knew it wasn't her first choice for Saturday afternoon activities – she'd never seemed the outdoorsy type – but I was fairly certain the beauty of where we would end up would make it worth it for her.

"Is that a problem?"

"No." She attempted a smile, but I could hear her heart start to race.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry."

We returned to our mutual silence, but now that I'd sensed her nervousness, it was not as comfortable as it had been before. Her heartbeat didn't slow, and small drops of sweat dewed along her hair line. What had she thought we were driving to? She couldn't have thought we were going to a populated area since I'd explained how she would get to see me in the sunlight. What else is there to do in the forest besides hike? Was she finally beginning to realize the danger? The evil huntsman taking Snow White into the forest to cut out her heart could be playing through her mind right now. Yet, I could not know this.

"What are you thinking?" I finally asked. I felt like I'd asked it so many times before, and I never knew if she was telling me the whole truth or filtering for my benefit.

"Just wondering where we're going," she said lightly.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I said, glancing at the clouds Alice had promised would be gone by later this morning.

"Charlie said it would be warm today." Bella nodded, she too was watching the clouds. I knew she'd been curious about the mystery of my appearance in the sun, and I could feel her growing more anxious as the moment of truth approached. Was that why her heart was racing? The ideas of what I could look like in sunlight. The odd alienness of a non-human? I was growing more nervous as the minutes ticked by, and I wondered again if she was starting to see the danger in being alone with me.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope."

I'd suspected as much, but I had a fall back plan.

"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I confirmed. As much as I hated to think of Jessica during our day together, reminding myself without a doubt that I would be held responsible if Bella went missing seemed like the wisest thing to do.

"No, I told her you canceled on me – which is true."

"No one knows you're with me?" The monster inside me reared up at the thought while venom pooled in my mouth.

"That depends...I assume you told Alice?"

"That's very helpful, Bella." My voice was far too harsh, and I hated myself for snapping at her, but I couldn't contain all the things that were simultaneously running through me. Couldn't she have given me any help at all?

"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I asked, too viciously again. I had to get myself under control.

"You said it might cause trouble for you...us being together publicly," she said calmly, as if it were the most normal thing in the world she were discussing.

"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause _me_ if _you _don't come _home_?" I was nearly snarling at her, though some remaining sane portion of my brain told me that she'd been acting out of the best intentions. The fact that those intentions were utterly absurd, however, was hard to ignore.

She just nodded in response to my accusation. Looking for any outlet to channel my frustration, I started muttering under my breath.

_Of all the ridiculous things...she's looking out for me, doesn't even care about herself at all...how am I supposed to keep her safe when she has no sense of self-preservation...no wonder she's always getting into trouble..._

I could feel the anxiety radiating from her. My change in mood hadn't helped her already nervous attitude, and I was determined to regain my composure by the time we arrived at the end of the road. I focused again on her steady breathing and closed my eyes as the truck bumped over the road and came to a stop.

She parked and got out of the car without looking at me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see her taking off her sweater. The heat didn't matter to me, but she'd wanted to see me in the sunlight and taking off my own sweater now would be more natural as I followed her example.

"This way," I said. As I turned away from her to look into the dim forest, I unbuttoned the top few buttons of my white shirt, deciding that it would be less of a shock to her if she could get used to my inhuman skin before seeing it fully in the sun.

"The trail?" she asked, and I felt a twinge of guilt for having misled her. I heard her frenzied steps as she circled the truck and stumbled to my side.

"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it." I was still looking into the forest, trying to compose myself, not only of my own fearfulness and anger – but of a sudden bashfulness. What would she think as she saw more of my alienness?

"No trail?" she asked warily. I'd been hoping for something that would calm me, and sure enough, her panic was enough to remind me of my role as her protector. Venom stopped pooling in my mouth, and I swallowed, my muscles relaxing.

"I won't let you get lost," I said, smiling as I turned to look at her.

I had expected her to relax at my assurance, but she stared at my chest for a moment and her face looked angry and even slightly sad. She was shocked at how different I am, I was sure of it. That could explain the sadness, but the anger? Maybe I'd done more damage than I realized by speaking harshly to her before. I couldn't think what else could cause this reaction.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked, part of me hoping she wouldn't want to go through with our plans today.

"No," she said, stepping closer. She looked at me as if I were the one going to run away. I couldn't understand what her expressions meant.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, cursing myself for having upset her.

"I'm not a good hiker. You'll have to be very patient," she said, and even without being able to read her mind, I knew she wasn't telling me the whole truth. Still, I didn't want to force her to talk about anything she wasn't comfortable with.

"I can be patient," I said, playing along. "If I make a great effort."

I'd tried to make my voice light and teasing, hoping to urge a smile from her. Though the corner of her mouth turned up, she still looked miserable.

_Great. _

I'd ruined our whole day because of my own fears and insecurities, but if our time ended with her being too upset by how different I am and she runs, then, at least she will finally be safe.

So what if no one knew we were together. _I _knew we were together, and that I was personally responsible for keeping her safe. That would be enough. It had to be.

When she still didn't speak, I sighed deeply. "I'll take you home," I offered, giving her one more chance to retreat if it was what she truly wanted. I felt I was back to my former, more trustworthy self, but if I'd frightened her too deeply to proceed, I would respect her wishes.

"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way." She nearly spat the words at me, and I was baffled that her mood today seemed to be shifting as often as mine usually did.

She just stood there, glaring at me, and I eventually realized she was waiting for me to decide. Although at the moment, neither of us seemed emotionally stable enough to go through with our plans. I started walking, knowing I couldn't disappoint her.

I did my best to help make the hike easier for Bella, hoping that would improve her mood. As I helped her through the rougher parts in the forest, the electricity between us unbelievably heightened each time I accidentally touched her skin. Occasionally, I noticed her glancing in my direction, but she still seemed upset. I wasn't sure how to respond to this new mood of hers. _Was I really this repulsive?_ Of course I was, but she seemed determined to follow through with our plans regardless.

Hoping to break her from her sullen mood, I asked her a few random questions that I didn't have a chance to get to in the last two days. I found out that birthdays had never been a big thing for her. Bella's Mom generally threw something together at the last minute and often the plans wouldn't work out, so they'd do something quiet and at home.

"That's how I like it," she shrugged. "Usually when my Mom tried to do something big, I could talk her out of it before it got out of hand."

"What was your favorite birthday present?" I asked, wondering what sorts of trinkets she liked.

"I can't remember any that stand out." She shrugged.

Hmm…was this normal for humans? To care so little about birthdays and presents? Perhaps this was another thing I could remedy for her, but knowing Alice as I did, she'd already be planning the next big events for several years down the road and all their possibilities depending on the decisions that her new "best friend" could make regarding them.

Later, I asked about her grade school teachers, wondering if she'd had a favorite teacher that influenced her. I asked anything and everything I could think of to try to make her smile. Eventually, she started to relax again, and I noticed it made her pace speed up slightly.

"Did you have any pets as a child?" I asked.

"Well, my Mom is allergic to dogs, so that was out. I did get a goldfish once, but it died, and after the third replacement died too, I just gave up on the whole institution."

I laughed loudly.

Both our moods were beginning to brighten, and the more animated she became, talking about her life, the faster she seemed to climb over the trees and rocks. She even stumbled significantly less.

As the hours passed, the clouds began to disappear. The sun was shining, but the trees created a dense cover above us. Bella's expression brightened when she looked up toward the green light brightening above us.

"Are we there yet?" she asked, feigning a frown at me.

"Nearly," I promised, feeling my own anticipation growing. "Do you see the brightness ahead?"

"Um, should I?" she asked, squinting.

"Maybe it's a bit soon for _your _eyes," I teased.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she mumbled.

I slowed down as we approached the trees that veiled the sun-lit meadow from Bella's view and watched as she hurried toward the glow of light. She looked like an explorer about to unlock a hidden treasure. Walking a few steps behind her, I found myself holding my breath as she burst through the edge of the forest and stepped into the sun. Her skin bathed in the warm light, and her hair shone with that same reddish tint that I saw only once before. Only today, unlike that time before, I would be able to stand beside her in the sun.

I waited at the edge of the meadow, still hidden under the shade of the tress.

Bella walked slowly through the grass, sighing appreciatively. I couldn't help but smile right along with her – but for a different reason. The beauty of the meadow could have been a swamp in contrast to how lovely she was in comparison. Her fair skin glowed delicately in the light, as if she were a rare porcelain doll, and her reddish brown hair shimmered and moved as she walked.

I wanted desperately to join her, but I couldn't bring myself to step out into the sunlight yet. She needed to truly take in all the beauty of my personal sanctuary before I forever marred it by adding the image of myself.

Of course she would be frightened, and her odd behavior before we started hiking confirmed my fears. Yet, would she be frightened enough to run away? Or would she have some other odd reaction that I never could seem to predict?

Soon she seemed to realize that I wasn't next to her and turned to look for me. I was surprised that her expression was concerned and feared for a moment that I had walked too far into the sun and inadvertently revealed the truth before I was ready. Then her eyes found mine, and her face instantly softened. She took a step towards me and reached her hand out like she wanted me to take it and join her. As much as I wanted to hold her hand in mine, longed to feel that spark her touch always ignited, I refused to feel the rejection that would most certainly follow when she saw my alienness. I couldn't bear to feel her hand ripped away from mine when the repulsion set in. So I held my hand up, silently urging her to wait just a little longer.

I sighed and took in a deep breath of air I didn't need. Preparing for the worst, I closed my eyes and stepped out into the sunlight.

**Confessions -15**

As I lay on the grass, my skin reflecting a rainbow of light on Bella's face, all I could think was, _She can see what I really look like and she's still with me. _

She hadn't run. I'd expected fear, curiosity, repulsion, but her main expression seemed to be a pleasant surprise. I didn't understand her.

I could not comprehend how her reaction was possible, and couldn't help but wonder what else she was thinking and not saying. Yet all I wanted to do at this moment was bask in her acceptance. I could finally be myself with her, and even more astonishing was that she seemed to want me to be myself.

I kept my eyes closed for the most part and just let her get used to seeing me. Occasionally I peeked at her when my curiosity got the better of me, but her expression was the same surprised enjoyment. So odd. All she did was sit near me with her hands and chin resting on her knees and stared at me.

Her warm brown eyes were deep pools of wonder. She looked at me as if I would disappear at any moment and seemed to be memorizing me in case I vanished. I so often felt that way when I watched her sleep, that it only seemed far that I should give her a similar opportunity to look at me.

More than once I wanted to reach out to her, to touch her warm, sun-kissed skin, but wasn't sure she would appreciate the gesture and the coldness I would inflict. Besides, she was still getting used to me. To calm this desire, I sang Bella's lullaby softly. Eventually she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was singing, but wasn't ready to explain that she'd inspired it's composition.

The wind tangled her hair gently and blew her scent around me, but the pain and thirst were easier to manage after being near her as much as I had in the last week. I felt a warm tingle on the back of my hand and opened my eyes to see her stroking my skin with one shaking finger.

I smiled and asked the question that I'd wondered ever since I stepped into the sun, "I don't scare you?" I tried to keep the question light, playful, even though I meant it seriously.

"No more than usual," she said,

Her reaction made me smile even wider. and I wondered how much I usually scared her. I closed my eyes again, enjoying her light touch, and heard her move closer to me as she traced invisible lines up my arm.

"Do you mind?" Her voice sounded shy.

"No," I said, thinking that her touch was better than anything I'd known in the whole of my existence. The tingling fire that I felt in my hand each time I'd touched her face was nothing compared to this. I sighed. "You can't imagine how that feels."

She traced back down my arm to the inside of my elbow. I flipped my hand over so she could trace my palm. She jumped when I did this, and I opened my eyes for a second, worried that I'd frightened her, but was relieved to find that she was only startled.

"Sorry," I closed my eyes again, "It's just so easy to be myself with you."

She lifted my hand then and I saw her holding my palm inches away from her face staring with an unreadable expression. With no other voice in my head but my own, and this mysterious mind next to me, I couldn't help myself from finally asking, "Tell me what you are thinking. It's still so strange for me, not knowing."

"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."

Touché. "It's a hard life," I said, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my tone. I thought again of how much I wished I could be human with her. I would give up everything and endure the fire of the venom again if I could be human, to be close to her without fighting the desire to take slaughter her at each second. "But you didn't tell me," I reminded her.

"I _was_ wishing I could know what you were thinking…" she hesitated.

Another deflection. "And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid," I said softly. How could I so often _want_ her to fear me and yet still wish she didn't? Was it right to desire her trust if I didn't deserve it?

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."

Surprised, I sat up to look more closely into her eyes. What did she mean? I was so curious that I didn't realize I'd allowed myself to be closer than I'd ever been before.

My face was only a few inches away from hers when I asked, "What are you afraid of then?"

Instead of answering me, she leaned closer and breathed in deeply.

The pulsing rhythm at her throat and the maddening scent of her blood assaulted my every sense. The monster within rejoiced and nearly took over my mind. I could only run the other way, ripping my hand from her grasp. At the edge of the meadow I stared at her, fighting to regain control of my mind. The monster gnashed it's teethe, attempting to break free from my careful control.

"I'm… sorry… Edward," she whispered her face full of shock and hurt.

"Give me a moment," I said, and as I looked at her sad, longing eyes, I knew I could deserve her. She saw something I never wanted her to experience, just how close I was to losing control and killing her. I felt ashamed, hating myself again. How could she ever believe I love her when she knew how desperately I was trying not to murder her?

After a few seconds the venom stopped pooling in my mouth. I held my breath as I walked slowly towards here, making sure that I could come nearer without hurting her. Assuring myself that I was in control again.

When I sat down a few feet away, I was composed enough to take a few experimental breaths. She still looked so sad that I smiled hoping to comfort her. "I am so sorry," I said, and then wanting to lighten the mood with a joke I added, "Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?"

She only nodded once without smiling and slowly her heart rate quickened as understanding spread across her face. I could smell the adrenaline pulsing through her veins.

She finally fully understood. She was afraid of me.

Though I hadn't imagined it possible, it only made her smell more desirable. I smiled at the irony. Isn't this what I'd wanted? For her to be afraid of me enough to leave so I couldn't hurt her?

I could guess what she was thinking now, but I needed to say it out loud. She had to fully understand what I was. "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in - my voice, my face, even my _smell_. As if I need any of that!"

Without thinking I jumped up again and raced around the meadow in half a second. "As if you could outrun me," I laughed humorlessly, and grabbed a two-foot-thick branch from a spruce. Ripping it from the trunk, I threw it into another tree, leaving a gash in it's bark when the branch shattered into it.

I ran back to stand two feet in front of her then, willing her to finally realize why she should leave, why I should have left long ago. "As if you could fight me off," I said gently, wanting her to understand. She needed to know what I was.

Her eyes were wide staring at me, more afraid than I'd ever seen her, but she didn't run.

Suddenly, I realized that I didn't want her to leave.

I didn't care if it would be better for us both if she did. All I could feel was regret for my rash behavior.

"Don't be afraid," I pleaded. Suddenly it didn't matter that I couldn't deserve her because I would never stop trying. "I promise…" I started to say, stopping when I realized the statement wasn't strong enough. "I _swear_ not to hurt you." In that instant I decided that I _was _strong enough. I would keep her safe from myself. It didn't make any of this easier, but making that decision gave me enough determination to keep my promise. When she didn't respond I wondered if I was already too late. Had I scared her too much? If she left now it would be only what I deserve, but I was selfish enough to try again.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered taking a slow step towards her. Cautiously watching her stunned expression, I sat down even more slowly just a foot away, and said, "Please forgive me. I _can_ control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."

She still didn't say anything and I sought to lighten this dark mood. "I'm not thirsty today, honestly," I winked, and at that, she finally laughed breathlessly.

"Are you all right?" I asked, wanting to reverse time and have her trust again.

I carefully put my hand back in hers and she looked down at it before looking into my eyes. Then looking down at my hand again, she started to deliberately trace my skin with her finger tips. She looked at me then with a timid smile, and I smiled brightly back, ecstatic that she still wanted to be near me.

"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

"I honestly can't remember."

Again, I felt ashamed for my behavior as I perfectly remembered what she'd said before I frightened her. "I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."

"Oh, right."

"Well?" I prompted, but she just went back to tracing my hand. How could a few moments seem like an eternity to an immortal?

After several seconds ticked slowly by, I couldn't stand the silence anymore. "How easily frustrated I am," I sighed.

She looked at me then with a new spark of understanding in her eyes and immediately said, "I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't _stay_ with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." She looked down again depriving me of her eyes to know further what she meant.

There seemed to be more, but I could understand what she'd already said. It was what I'd expected. She'd thought of becoming a vampire and doesn't want that.

"Yes," I nodded, "That is something to be afraid of indeed." I thought of the horror of taking her soul away, and Alice's vision of her with blood red eyes, no longer the deep brown that revealed so much to me when her voice did not. The vision couldn't show if Bella regretted the change or if she hated me for ever coming into her life.

"That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest."

She frowned when I said that, and I said again what I'd been thinking for so long, "I should have left long ago. I should leave now, but I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave," she mumbled, staring at my hand.

"Which is exactly why I should," I said, thinking again of why she shouldn't care for me. "But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."

"I'm glad."

"Don't be!" I pulled my hand from hers thinking of how her scent burned in my throat at this moment and every other. I knew what I was and I never could escape this life. "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget _that._ Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I stared into the forest, disgusted at how I'd had to run away from her just a few minutes ago to keep myself from sinking my teeth into her neck.

"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway," she said.

I smiled at the simple curiosity in her expression, and the irony considering the subject she so calmly brought up.

"How do I explain? And without frightening you again… hmmm." I put my hand back in hers and looked down as she tightly held my hand again in both of hers.

"That is amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I admitted, and then thought of how I could explain her scent without using a food analogy. When I couldn't think of anything else that would make any sense to her I just hoped the analogy wouldn't be too offensive.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

She nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn't think of another way to explain."

She smiled encouragingly, and I smiled back wryly knowing that she was encouraging my explanation and not the topic behind it.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with it's warm aroma - how do you think he would fare then?"

We sat silently, staring into each other's eyes. She seemed to be trying to read my mind now as I'd so often tried to read hers. I thought the analogy wasn't vivid enough so I attempted a different one.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

"So what you're saying," understanding sparking in her eyes, "Is, I'm your brand of heroin?" Her tone sounded teasing, though her observation was quite accurate.

"Yes," I smiled rejoicing that I could make her understand even a little bit. "You are _exactly_ my brand of heroin."

"Does that happen often?"

I looked away from her, feeling ashamed again for what I am and what I've done. "I spoke to my brothers about it," I started to say, not wanting to admit the truth of our dark world, but she needed to know. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I looked at her then wondering if I'd offended her when I referenced tasting human blood.

"Sorry,"

"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."

I looked into the sky, away from her eyes and took a deep breathe before finishing my explanation. "So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as," I paused looking for the right word. _Appetizing? Delectable? Savory? Umm… "Appealing_ as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?"

"Never."

She seemed to be watching the word I'd just spoken as if it were hung in the air in between us.

"What did Emmett do?"

That was the wrong question to ask, and I wasn't going to answer it. I clenched my fist inside of her open hands, willing myself to not think of what I'd seen in his mind when Bella was so near to me, so fragile and accepting.

"I guess I know," she finally said.

I looked at her then wanting her to understand just how hard it was for us to deny our nature in the first place, to live the lifestyle that we'd chosen. Trying to defend Emmett I said, "Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"

"What are you asking? My permission?" Her voice was sharper than I'd ever heard it. Then more quietly she asked, "I mean, is there no hope, then?"

"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't…" I stared into her eyes wishing I could make her see just how much she meant to me, how much I'd already suffered through, forcing myself to keep her safe.

"It's different for us. Emmett… these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as… practiced, as careful, as he is now." I watched her as she thought of these things and understanding flickered in her eyes.

"So if we'd met.. Oh, in a dark alley or something…"

"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and -" I couldn't finish the thought and looked away from her, swallowing the venom that pooled in my mouth. The repulsion I felt for myself made it easier to speak of these things without bringing back the uncertainty that I'd felt at the beginning of the day. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."

I looked at her then, remembering my rudeness that day. "You must have thought I was possessed."

"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly…"

"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin… I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…" I looked at her then seeing the shocked realization spreading across her face. She had no idea that she'd been in such danger.

"You would have come," I said, expecting her to deny it.

"Without a doubt."

I looked at our hands again frowning at my futile attempts to avoid her. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there - so easily dealt with."

She shivered once, and then again. She was realizing what really was going on that day. Probably picturing too much, so I went on quickly, "But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself _not_ to wait for you, _not_ to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."

Of all the things I'd told her throughout the day, I didn't understand how that would be the piece of information that shocked her. But there she sat, wide eyed and clearly surprised. Didn't she realize that I'd left? I'd thought about her every second I was away. I wanted to ask her what she did during those days. It had been nagging at me, wondering what I'd missed during my pathetic escape attempt, but her eyes were urging me to continue, and this day was hers.

"I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary…" I paused, ashamed to be admitting my cowardice. "By the next morning I was in Alaska.

"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl" - I grinned thinking of how blind I was then to this beautiful woman sitting before me - "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…"

I looked away from her then, letting the truth finally spill out, "I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it.

"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I would save her from the knowledge of _just_ how irritating it really had been hearing Jessica's unkind thoughts and seeing Mike's fantasies.

"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions… and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again…

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes." I knew this was the answer to the question that had plagued her for far too long, so I continued quickly, "Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'" I closed my eyes, agonizing for what I am and for admitting all of it. Out loud, my confession sounded so much more horrendous to my own ears.

"In the hospital?" she asked, and I was startled that after all I'd confessed, she was still searching for more answers from my darkest moments. How much more truth could she take? Yet I forced myself to continue.

"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power - you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched as I let that word slip out and I continued quickly, "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time… the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice." I tried my best not to show anything on my face, but it was impossible to think of Alice and that night without also thinking about her two unacceptable visions for Bella's future.

"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I shook my head remembering her motherly thoughts of wanting me to stay and rejoicing at Alice's vision that I'd fall in love with Bella.

"All that next day," I went on, "I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair… it hit me as hard as the very first day."

I looked into her eyes then thinking of my love for her. "And for all that, I'd have fared better if I _had_ exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to stop me - I were to hurt you."

"Why?" she asked, not seeing, even though I'd told her everything I'd done to keep her safe, how much I love her.

"Isabella," I carefully said, wanting her to fully understand how much she meant to me, and then quickly decided it might be better to keep the mood lighter, I ruffled her hair playfully. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I dropped my head again in shame. "The thought of you, still, white, cold…to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable."

With that, I met her gaze and all the pain I was feeling, all the agony I'd suffered fighting the monster inside disappeared, and I realized that there was no reason to hide my feelings. She was finally going to know the truth. She would finally understand.

"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

I watched her closely she didn't say anything, and I wondered if I'd said too much. If she could ever care for me after I'd admitted my abhorrent desire and cowardice.

She stared at our hands for a moment and then said, "You already know how I feel, of course. I'm here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She frowned for a moment and then said, "I'm an idiot."

That sent me over the edge. I grinned, like the absolute fool that I was and laughed in agreement, because her reactions really were ridiculous.

"You _are_ an idiot," I said and as I laughed she looked into my eyes and laughed with me. We laughed together at the sheer impossibility of our love and what had brought us to this moment.

Then we just smiled at each other for a while.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…" I finally said, and she looked away, hiding her eyes, but her heart rate sped up and her hands felt warmer around mine than they had before. I recognized her shy reaction at my confession of love, and if she needed time to let it sink in, I'd give her as much as she needed. I'd give her anything.

"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.

"What a sick, masochistic lion," I said, correcting her. I looked back to the forest where I'd had to run from her only a few minutes before.

"Why…?" she began, pausing uncomfortably.

I smiled, encouraging her to continue. "Yes?"

"Tell me why you ran from me before."

"You know why," I said bitterly, not wanting to think of it again, more determined than ever to keep complete and perfect control when we were together, to never let her be afraid again.

"No, I mean, _exactly_ what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" - she stroked the back of my hand again - "seems to be all right."

I smiled again, enjoying her touch. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."

"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you," she insisted, tender concern written on her face.

"Well," I said reluctantly, not wanting to re-live the moment, but wanting to be honest with her. "It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness…I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your _throat._" I said urgently, the burn flaring in my own throat again as I remembered, but I was in control this time. There was nothing for her to worry about and I checked to make sure her eyes weren't fearful.

"Okay, then," she said as if I were talking about something completely unimportant, rather than her survival. Then in possibly the cutest gesture I'd ever seen her make, she tucked her chin under her collar, smiled, and said, "No throat exposure."

I laughed, ecstatic that I was able to talk openly with her about everything now.

Of course I didn't want her to think she needed to start wearing turtlenecks everyday, so I quickly clarified.

"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."

Slowly, I reached up to touch the side of her neck. Her skin was so soft, so delicate, and I wondered what it would be like to brush against it with my nose… my lips... She seemed to like my touch as much as I relished hers, so I left my hand on her neck, feeling her pulse under my fingertips.

"You see," I told her calmly. "Perfectly fine." And I really was. Even as I listened to her pulse race, took in her luxurious scent, I couldn't feel even the slightest lapse in my control. All I could think about was how I wanted to touch her more and make her heart race faster.

The man was finally winning the battle with the monster. Even though part of my mind still gnashed for control my decision to never hurt her gave me that strength that I'd been so desperate for. Knowing this and feeling overwhelmed with the thought that I could finally touch her the way I'd longed to do, I decided to test myself just a bit further.

As Bella's heart raced, her cheeks turned their familiar shade of pink. I didn't want her to be embarrassed about her reactions to me. I enjoyed them. They reminded me that at least some part of her longed for me as I longed for her and gave me another glimpse into her mind.

"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I said softly, and watched, pleased as the shade deepened.

Reluctantly, I took my other hand from hers and it fell lifelessly to her side. She didn't want me to let go either. It was the most amazing feeling to be so wanted. Eager to show her my intentions, I brushed my fingers lightly along her soft cheek. She sighed and I felt her relax beneath my touch. Encouraged, I brought my other hand up from her neck and cupped her face delicately between my hands, always aware of how utterly breakable she was.

"Be very still," I whispered. Keeping my eyes locked with hers, I silently reminded her not to make any sudden movements as I leaned closer. My fingers were still tingling from the sensation of touching her face and neck. I wanted to feel that warmth on my face, wanted to feel that much more human with her.

I pressed my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat, and took one shallow breath to see how much more potent her scent would be in such close proximity. The thirst raked at my throat, but I was so happy to be touching her that I could almost forget the pain.

Assured that I was still in complete control, I listened to her uneven heart beat and her quick breathing, reveling in the fact that it wasn't brought on by fear. When her breathing slowed, I carefully let my hands slide down the sides of her neck.

She shivered and my breath caught in my throat. I marveled at the impossibility that she cared for me and wanted me near her as much as I wanted her. I left my hands resting on her shoulders and brushed my nose gently across her collarbone, inhaling her sweetness. The burn in my throat was nearly forgotten because I was finally touching her as I'd longed to do, and she was actually safe in my arms.

So often, since the moment that I'd realized I loved her, I had wished this were possible. My nose and face tingled as I skimmed down her collar bone to her chest, pressing my ear to the thumping rhythm of her heart. Eventually her heart slowed to a normal pace and she relaxed into me. I lost all track of time, treasuring each precious beat of her heart. I realized then that there was a middle point to Alice's visions and we were enjoying it now. Now I knew that I could be with her as she was. She could stay human, she wouldn't have to lose her soul to be with me or risk near death every time I was in her presence. I could be near her, even as close as this, feeling her warm breath in my hair, and she would be safe. Impossibly, I'd made myself safe enough for her to be near me.

The side of my face grew warmer the longer I held my ear against her heart, and eventually I no longer felt the burn in my throat at all because so many new human emotions and desires were overshadowing it and growing stronger as I held her.

I sighed, finally releasing her. "It won't be so hard again," I said assuredly.

"Was that very hard for you?" she asked.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad…for me."

I smiled at her inflection. "You know what I mean."

She smiled, and I took her hand. "Here," I said, placing her hand on my face. "Do you feel how warm it is?"

Her eyes were intent. "Don't move," she whispered.

I closed my eyes and held perfectly still as she traced the outlines of my cheek, up to my forehead, down across my eye lids, tracing a warm tingle down my nose, and across my lips. Feelings I had never known filled me as she touched my face and mouth. I let my lips part and breathed her scent in, almost tasting her sweetness and feeling the tingly fire from her finger tips spread through my lips.

Did she have any idea what she was doing to me? This feeling was so new, and so completely unexpected. On the one hand I wanted to pull her close and inhale her luscious scent until it drove me mad. But more than that, I felt a new kind of desire, one I hadn't believed myself capable of and still didn't understand fully. My lips burned under her touch in a completely different way than my throat.

Too soon, she stopped. I opened my eyes then, hungry for more, and I saw the desire in her eyes as well. Could I find the strength to kiss her as well? I pictured leaning into her and feeling the heat of her lips against mine. Her pulse speed as my eyes bore into hers.

"I wish," I started to say, "I wish you could feel the…complexity…the confusion…I feel. That you could understand." I lifted my hand to her hair and gently brushed back a strand that had blown across her face.

"Tell me," she breathed.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though" - I half-smiled - "as you are not addicted to any illegal substance, you probably can't empathize completely. But…" I paused, lightly tracing her lips with my fingertips remembering her touch on my own. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understand _that _better than you think." She smiled.

"I'm not used to feeling so human," I admitted, "Is it always like this?"

"For me?" She paused. "No, never. Never before this."

I held her hands in mine, looking at their fragile delicacy. Could I always be able to handle her as softly as I needed to and not break her? "I don't know how to be close to you," I said aloud. "I don't know if I can."

She leaned closer to me, cautioning me with her eyes and placed her cheek against my chest. "This is enough," she sighed.

Even with her desirable scent floating around her head right under my nose and completely vulnerable leaning against me, at each moment I felt more human. I carefully wrapped my arms around her and leaned my face against her hair.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she commented.

"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there."

And they were, so many new feelings that I'd never known. I never could have known them in all the decades of my existence because she wasn't alive then. We held each other until the light began to fade and the shadows of the trees crept close to us. She sighed and I knew what she must be thinking.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind."

"It's getting clearer." I smiled at how I was beginning to know her in so many ways. Then I had an idea and pulled her away from me so that I could look at her face. "Can I show you something?" I was excited that she could now be close enough to me to experience this.

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you how _I_ travel in the forest."

She looked nervous.

"Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned in anticipation, sure that she'd enjoy the ride as much as I always enjoyed running.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

I had to laugh then, the look on her face was priceless. "Like I haven't heard _that_ one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

She hesitated still looking at me as if I'd turn into some winged creature at any moment. I smiled at the thought, and reaching for her, I swung her onto my back. She clamped her legs and arms around me and said, "I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack."

"Hah!" I snorted, rolling my eyes at the thought of her feathery lightness being a problem for me. In fact, _I_ had never felt so light as I did now. I took her hand and pressed her palm to my nose, inhaling deeply. "Easier all the time." I noted.

And then I couldn't hold my excitement in any longer.

I started running.

The exhilaration was even more intense as I realized just how far we'd come today. I never thought it would be possible to be so close to her, and when I remembered her fingertip on my lips I wondered again if it would be possible to be closer still, to kiss her. I'd never even considered this as remotely possible before today, but I was certain now that if it became too hard for me, I would be able to stop. I wouldn't hurt her. I was sure of this now, and my joy at this revelation led me to run even faster. We were at her truck in just a few minutes.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I said when I stopped, then waited for her to climb off my back. When she didn't move I was worried.

"Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped.

"Oh, sorry," I said, realizing that she might be feeling some motion sickness, but she still didn't move.

"I think I need help." Her voice was weak.

I gently loosened her hold on me and couldn't help laughing quietly. I was still so elated with this new sensation of having her close without fear. I moved her from my back and cradled her in my arms for a moment before laying her on some springy turf.

"How do you feel?" I asked, observing the look that I'd seen before - after the blood-typing in biology.

"Dizzy, I think."

"Put your head between your knees," I suggested, remembering how it had helped her then..

Eventually, she raised her head. She still looked pale. "I guess that wasn't the best idea," I thought aloud.

"No, it was very interesting." Her voice was still shaky.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white as _me_!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" She groaned in alarm.

I laughed again at the look on her face.

"Show-off," she muttered.

I knew that it would just be a matter of practice, like everything else about our relationship. She was apart of my world now, and I was apart of hers. I leaned close to her face, wanting more to practice.

"Open your eyes, Bella," I said quietly. She was surprised, but didn't shy away, so I continued, "I was thinking, while I was running…" I hesitated, trying to find the right words.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off," she muttered again.

I smiled at her. "No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

I took her soft face, holding it gently between my palms, and for a moment, she stopped breathing altogether. It wasn't until then that I realized I'd been holding my breath. I took one careful breath in. Even with her face inches from mine, her intoxicating scent filling my nose, and her moist lips parting as she realized what I wanted to do - I was in control.

I moved very slowly toward her until I could taste her scent as well as smell it. Her breath washing over my face was so warm, just like her touch, and I paused to marvel at how wonderful it felt. Taking another deep and cautious breath I knew I was still in control, and I watched her eyes close softly. A quiet sigh escaped her lips and it was all the reassurance I needed. There was no need great enough to make me harm her, now or ever. So I let my own eyes close, and pressed my lips to hers.

It was the most magnificent feeling, the painless burning that I felt from her fingertips multiplied into a tingling passion. I could taste her on my lips but it didn't ignite the painful thirst as I had expected. It made me long for more of her embrace. The electricity that sparked between us when we touched was now a bolt of lightning.

Suddenly, Bella's heart beat erratically and I could smell adrenaline pumping through her veins. Her fingers knotted in my hair as she pulled me closer. Her warm lips parted with wild gasps, and the hint of her flavor became a real taste as her breath and saliva found my tongue.

Her reaction was too much.

I froze, clamping my jaw shut.

Gently, I moving her face a few inches away from me while simultaneously forcing the beast back under my control. I held my breath for a moment as I stared into her eyes to calm myself. The maddening desire to drink her blood raged inside of me, gnashing at the bars of my control.

After a moment of taking in my expression she just whispered, "Oops."

"That's an understatement," I said with the air that I was holding in my lungs.

She tried to move her head from between my hands and said, "Should I…?" Probably thinking it would be easier for me, but I didn't want her to disturb the air with her scent and looking into her eyes was helping me.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I was growing more practiced with controlling myself. I could hear the snarling and desire ringing in my head, but it wouldn't escape my control. And after a few moments, I'd calmed myself enough to breathe normally again and let her go. I smiled slightly at the thought of her reaction to my kiss.

"There."

"Tolerable?" she asked.

I laughed, thrilled by the success. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

I wasn't quite as sorry for her reaction as she seemed to be and joked. "You _are_ only human, after all."

"Thanks so much," she said, looking annoyed.

I jumped to my feet then and offered her my hand. She still seemed a bit off balance and I was enjoying the fact that now I could take her hand in mine and act like myself around her. For so long I'd wished I could simply hold her hand and we'd come much farther than I'd imagined could be possible. I felt carefree for the first time in so long, it probably would have made me dizzy if I were human.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I teased, grinning at how utterly human I felt at this moment. For the first time in my existence I was untroubled by my monstrous desires. Today, the beast was the loser.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she said shakily, "I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" She gasped, shock written on her face. Was she teasing me?

"I can drive better than you on your best day," I said. Her fear of my driving of _all_ things was what was insane. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust, please, Bella." It seemed a silly thing to remind her when she'd already trusted me with her life so often today.

She pursed her lips and stared at me a moment before shaking her head. "Nope. Not a chance."

I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. Was she really _that_ afraid of my driving? I didn't think she was really serious till she started to walk to the drivers side. When she swayed slightly, I caught her around the waist and said, "Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," I quoted, chuckling at the thought of _why _she appeared that way.

"Drunk?" she objected.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I grinned, enjoying the fact that she felt the same way around me as I felt when I was with her.

"I can't argue with that," she sighed and dropped the keys, knowing I'd catch them before they hit the ground. "Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible," I nodded. I wouldn't mind driving slowly this once.

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" She sounded annoyed.

I looked at her then, willing her to understand just how much I loved her. I simply bent my face to hers and brushed my lips slowly along her jaw. Back and forth from her ear to her chin, breathing in her intoxicating aroma. Inside I felt like I _could_ be drunk, reeling from her touch, her scent, and this new exuberance after being depressed and unsure for so long.

"Regardless," I finally murmured, "I have better reflexes."


	5. Mind over Matter 16

Stephanie Meyer does own this, but I'm going to thank my husband right now. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be able to understand the type of love a man should have for a woman and wouldn't have been able to write from Edward's point of view. Yes, ladies, there even men more wonderful than Edward, but the point is not to be "looking" for him, the point is to be the best that YOU can be in who YOU are. If you don't do that then when he comes near you you'll miss each other because you haven't made yourself ready (that all goes for guys too, but I figured there wouldn't be as many guys reading this as girls.) :]

**Mind over Matter - 16**

The trucks sluggish speed and loud engine seemed like a blessing now instead of a frustration, because I was holding Bella's hand. After today's accomplishments I thought that nothing could bother me again. It didn't matter right now about the future, of right and wrong, of Alice's visions, I could only enjoy this moment. We were closer now than I'd ever dreamed possible. I'd not only been able to control myself enough to kiss her, but she had actually wanted me too.

I had never kissed anyone before today (at least not this kind of kiss) and I smiled again at her reaction.

We drove south-west, and as I looked into the setting sun, I thought of what Bella meant to me. I'd thought of an analogy before, but now it was more true than ever. Her chestnut hair blowing out the open window, twisting in and out, tangling around her neck and shoulder, and her exquisite face beaming up at me.

She was my sun.

I didn't know how or why I was so fortunate that she could care for me. It was an impossibility. The sun rising in the middle of my night, yet here she was.

My carefree mood made me feel like singing. I turned on her radio and smiled at the song that filled the car. It was "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke. I'd heard it many times and sang along, knowing now what the writer might have felt like when he came up with the lyrics. The words were a poor, rather trite, interpretation for my emotions, but it made me chuckle to think how appropriate it felt right now.

"You like fifties music?" she asked, looking curiously at me.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shuddered in mock disgust. "The eighties were bearable."

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked quietly.

"Does it matter much?" I smiled at her, feeling too happy to think that anything could matter at this moment except basking in our new love.

"No, but I still wonder…" she grimaced, making me think it might matter at least a little to her. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

"I wonder if it will upset you," I mused, staring into the setting sun again. There seemed no reason to keep my past from her after all, but there was always the chance that something I say could be too much to handle and she'd run screaming like she should have long ago. I wanted to prolong the time that I had with her before she changed her mind about me, but, I couldn't refuse to tell her more about myself. I didn't want her to continue to love me under false pretenses.

"Try me," she said interrupting my thoughts.

I sighed and looked into her eyes, wondering if my real age would bother her too much. She seemed just curious though, so I looked again at the sun sinking below the trees, the shadows growing longer, and after turning the radio down, I started my story.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901." I paused briefly to glance at her face. Her reaction was unsurprised and I smiled at how her responses were always so opposite from a normal persons. "Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

She gasped and I looked at her again, wondering what had shocked her. Her eyes were full of concern and I realized that she must be worried for my suffering.

"I don't remember it well - it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I thought back to those hazy memories. They were of course much more clear in Carlisle's mind and I'd seen them from his perspective, but I couldn't remember how it felt to have that disease. "I do remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget."

"Your parents?"

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

"How did he…save you?"

I wondered how much I could truthfully say without giving her too much information. I didn't want her to know how to become a vampire because I never would allow that to happen to her. The least she knew about the mechanics of it, the safer her soul would be.

"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us…I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." I paused wondering again how much she should know. "For me, it was merely very, very painful."

I knew of course that she'd want more information, but she didn't need to know more and I wasn't going to explain it. To distract her from the questions that were inevitably still rolling in her mind, I said, "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff." I edited Esme's story slightly. It wasn't for me to tell, but perhaps one day Esme would choose to tell Bella about the death of her child and attempted suicide. "They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating."

"So you must be dying, then, to become…" she trailed off seeming afraid to say the word.

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do this to someone who had another choice." I knew how hard it had been for him being alone so many hundreds of years and felt my respect for him grow as I thought again of his compassion and pure intentions. "It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak." I looked at the dark shadows of the trees blackening the road in front of us, and hoped she'd let the subject go.

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him - he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled my eyes, thinking how absurdly mismatched Rosalie and I would be. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting - we were in Appalachia at the time - and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." I glanced at Bella, thinking of how hard today had been even without fresh blood as Rosalie had to endure. I lifted our joined hands and brushed down her cheek with the back of my fingers.

"But she made it," Bella prompted looking out the window again.

"Yes," I murmured. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." I laughed. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, _again_." The charade seemed a little silly sometimes, but Alice always had fun designing a new wedding dress for her, and the honey-moon trip was always a welcome relief for me from Rosalie's thoughts. Though I did miss Emmett when they were gone.

"Alice and Jasper?

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another…family, a _very_ different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

"Really?" Bella interrupted, looking fascinated. "But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

"That's true. She knows other things. She _sees_ things - things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

My jaw clenched shut as I remembered the two futures that Alice had seen of Bella. One of her cold and lifeless, drained of blood, and the other of her with the flaming red eyes of a newborn vampire. I glanced at her quickly resolving again that I wouldn't let either future come to pass. I knew now that there was a middle ground.

"What kinds of things does she see?"

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

"Are there a lot of…your kind?" She seemed surprised and I wondered if the knowledge of what we are was finally sinking in.

"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people"- I glanced at her quickly-"can live together with humans for any length of time." I wasn't quite sure how to admit what our natural food source was when I was _talking_ to my natural food source. She didn't flinch however so I continued, "We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live…differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."

"Why is that?"

I parked in front of Bella's house and turned off the engine. Knowing that her father wasn't home yet, I wasn't worried about staying next to her for a while longer.

"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years."

"So that's where the legends came from?"

"Probably." I shrugged.

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

"No, and that _is_ a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage."

Bella seemed on the verge of asking more questions when her stomach growled. I realized that she hadn't eaten during the whole day that she was with me.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner."

"I'm fine, really."

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget." I was bothered that I wasn't taking better care of her and vowed to pay more attention to all her needs in the future.

"I want to stay with you," she pleaded.

"Can't I come in?" I asked, hopeful about the idea that I'd be invited in, instead of sneaking in as I'd been doing every other night.

"Would you like to?" She seemed surprised that I'd even consider the idea.

"Yes, if it's all right," I said, and before waiting for an answer I was already out of the drivers seat and around to her side of the truck opening the door for her.

"Very human," she commented.

"It's definitely resurfacing." I marveled again thinking back through our day, and feeling a little smug that I'd finally been able to get her door open before she did it herself.

We walked silently towards the house, and I wondered how I should tell her that I'd been here every night watching her sleep. It would be wrong to keep it from her, but I didn't know how it would effect her. Would she think it was creepy? Would she be angry? I thought through what I knew about her and decided that since it would be _normal_ to be angry, she would be the opposite. I didn't want to just blurt it out either though, so as we stepped closer to the door I snagged the key from it's hiding place and unlocked the door. This could be a gentle way to let her figure it out.

"The door was unlocked?" She sounded surprised.

"No, I used the key from under the eave."

She flipped the porch light on then and turned to look at me. Her eyebrows were raised, a flicker of accusation in her eyes.

"I was curious about you," I said quietly, waiting for her reaction.

"You spied on me?" Her words were only mildly upset and the accusation in her eyes softened.

I just shrugged, glad that she was taking the truth so well and pointed out, "What else is there to do at night?"

We then walked into the house and down the hall. I beat her to the kitchen and sat in the chair her father usually occupied. She ignored me as she rummaged through the fridge and I started thinking about plans for tomorrow. I'd told her all about my family and she hadn't seemed upset in any way, just curious. I wondered if I could take her to my house to meet them. Alice and Esme would be the most ecstatic of course, and Rosalie could leave if she refused to be civil.

"How often?"

"Hmmm?" I still wasn't used to being surprised by anything someone said, and wondered where the beginning of this conversation was. I must have missed it.

"How often did you come here?" she asked without turning away from what she was doing with the food.

"I come here almost every night."

She whirled around then looking stunned. "Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep," I admitted. "You talk."

"No!" She gasped and her face grew red.

I felt guilty then and I supposed I couldn't always expect her to have an opposite reaction. "Are you very angry with me?"

"That depends!" she sounded breathless and then didn't speak.

"On?" I urged wondering just how angry she was.

"What you heard!"

Suddenly I realized that she wasn't mad, just embarrassed, and I went to her side to take her hand.

"Don't be upset!" I pleaded. Lowering my face to the level of her eyes, I saw the embarrassment in her eyes and wanted her to realize that she had nothing to be ashamed of. I had adored her every word.

"You miss your mother," I whispered. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too _green._'" I laughed softly enjoying the memory, but hoping I wouldn't offend her more.

"Anything else?" She demanded.

I realized now exactly why she was embarrassed. "You did say my name," I admitted.

She sighed, "A lot?"

Now I was the one who was embarrassed because I realized that I new the exact number. "How much do you mean by 'a lot', exactly?"

"Oh no!" She hung her head.

I pulled her close to me, hugging her gently.

"Don't be self-conscious," I whispered in her ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."

Then we both heard her father's car pulling into the driveway. The headlights flashed through the front window and down the hall to us. Bella stiffened in my arms.

"Should your father know I'm here?" I wondered.

"I'm not sure…"

She looked worried so I just said, "Another time then…" and noiselessly, I ran up the stairs to her room.

"Edward!" she hissed after me.

I chuckled, still in high spirits from the day, I found this new experience quite amusing. Hide from the scary father like I really was an immature 17 year old. I'll have to insist on being introduced soon, but for now it didn't matter. I went into her room and grinned as I lay down across her small bed. Lacing my fingers behind my head, I listened to Charlie greet Bella as he stomped through the front door.

I listened to their nightly small talk and could hear Bella's voice sounding slightly more hurried than usual. Charlie's mind, though still clouded, was full of emotion. Very protective, loving his daughter fiercely, worried about her. Such strong emotions compared to his indifferent words. I was struck again by the tone of his mind and how important Bella was to him. She was so precious, so worth protecting.

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" His mind was suddenly suspicious, but still mostly concerned.

Ah, he must be concerned that she wasn't going to the dance tonight.

"No, none of the boys have caught my eye yet."

Well, that was true. I'm not a _boy _in any strict definition.

"I thought maybe that Mike Newton… you said he was friendly."

I tensed at the sound of Mike's name and gritted my teethe. I was glad that Charlie wasn't actually thrilled with him either, though his words, as always might give a slightly different impression for those who couldn't read his mind.

"He's _just_ a friend, Dad."

"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking." His mind was relieved, but mainly because he felt so strongly that she was too good for anyone.

He was right of course, but especially in Mike Newton's case.

Being able to read all the minds of the guys that were interested in her, I knew that none of them realized how special she was and how unworthy they all really were. I seemed to be the only person who agreed whole heartedly with her father's views and smiled ruefully at the irony. If he knew what I was, he wouldn't want me to ever come near his daughter again. He would, of course, be right. The only difference in my case, compared to the other guys that liked Bella, was that I knew I wasn't good enough for her.

I've known that since the beginning, but this was the first day that I felt a glimmer of hope. To add to the irony, was how she proved today that she wanted me near her as much as I wanted to be with her. Her acceptance always stunned me and made me realize even more why I wasn't worthy of such a person.

She came into the room then, shutting the door more loudly than necessary. I'd been so deep in thought and trying to ignore the perfect memories that I had of the minds of each boy that had thought of Bella, that I hadn't noticed her coming up the stairs until she opened her door and her heavenly scent preceded her into the room. I didn't say anything, thinking that she'd see me right away laying as I was, cheekily in the middle of her bed, but she went straight to the window.

She opened it and leaning out, whispered, "Edward?"

I laughed quietly. "Yes?"

She whirled around to face me. Her dark eyes were wide with shock, and I could hear her heart racing. Her hand flew to her throat as if to keep her wildly beating heart from choking her. My smile spread as I saw the look on her face.

"Oh!" she breathed, and sank to the floor.

"I'm sorry," I said and pressed my lips together to keep from laughing.

"Just give me a minute to restart my heart."

I really shouldn't have laughed. I _could_ give her a heart attack if I weren't more careful, but her surprised face was such a funny thing to see. Vampires really can't be surprised, what with our heightened senses. I sat up slowly, not wanting to surprise her again with any sudden movements. I gently picked her up and set her next to me on her bed.

"Why don't you sit with me," I suggested. As hard as it was to be near her, it was even harder being away from her. "How's the heart?" I asked, as if I didn't know.

"You tell me - I'm sure you hear it better than I do."

I laughed quietly again at how true her statement was and then we were both silent until her heart had slowed. She bit her lower lip and the pucker appeared between her eyebrows again, making me wonder what she was thinking.

"Can I have a minute to be human?" she asked.

"Certainly," I said.

I wondering if I should leave, but before I could ask she said, "Stay," in a mock-severe voice.

"Yes, ma'am." I said, playing along and sat up straighter holding perfectly still.

She grabbed some clothes from a pile on the floor and a small bag off her desk and left the room, closing the door more quietly than before. I heard her slam the bathroom door and wondered vaguely why she'd banged it so loudly.

With a small part of my mind I could hear her turning on the water of the sink and brushing her teethe, but mainly I let my thoughts return to this remarkable day. Maybe there was a way for us. Just like with Angela and Ben, there's always a way for love to succeed no matter what the odds. It was beyond difficult to be near Bella, to always be controlling myself so closely, but these other feelings I have for her, so human, were now equal in strength as the desire for her blood. It made controlling my thirst easier in a way.

When I first met Bella and thought I couldn't stop myself from killing her, I thought that nothing I'd ever felt or would feel could be stronger than that desire. Yet today at certain times I was so overcome with these new human emotions that everything else was pushed far behind them in my mind. At those times it wasn't hard to control myself, at least in regards to drinking her blood. I still had to mind my every action, as I knew I would when I first let myself touch her. It didn't make me any more worthy of her.

I was still a killer, a murderer with that desire inside of me; my very nature was evil, but I knew that I could be safe for her now. Only because I _would _be that careful. It didn't change who I was or what I could do to her, but _deciding _today as I had that there was nothing that would distract me from minding each of my actions gave me the strength I'd been looking for.

Even when I'd kissed her and she'd taken me so completely by surprise, trying to pull me closer and seeming so completely unaware of how close to my teeth she was, even after I'd admitted how often I struggled with my vampiric nature, even after her reaction and being so close to her with my instinct raging at me to bite her… I had held her face between my hands as I calmed myself, and I hadn't hurt her.

Incomprehensible.

I was still riding the high of today's revelation when the sound of the running water distracted me. I wondered if Bella usually took a shower at night rather than in the morning. As I listened, I began to hear each water droplet from the shower. The ones that fell from the shower head to the floor and the ones that fell a shorter distance, hitting her skin. Bella's scent was strong in her room of course, but I thought I could even smell her more now, heightened by the steam from the shower. I thought of the water droplets hitting her hair and trickling down her back, warming her delicate skin. But I couldn't let myself dwell on these thoughts for long. I refused to fantasize about her the way Mike Newton would have, it was wrong to treat Bella so disrespectfully, and the idea of being like him disgusted me just as much as Mike always had.

Soon, I heard the shower turned off and Bella banging around like she was in a hurry, and her foot steps running down the stairs.

_"Night, Dad."_

_"Night, Bella." _ His mind was startled, but was mainly absorbed with the game he watched on TV.

I heard Bella run back up the stairs and into her room. She looked at me and smiled, relief in her expression. She wore the same old sweats and t-shirt that she usually slept in, and looked warm and comfortable and completely herself.

I smiled at her. "Nice," I said, approvingly.

She grimaced, and I was vaguely reminded of the conversations I've always been privy to in the minds of men and woman.

"No, it looks good on you." It did of course, she was herself. She was beautiful and feminine and though something more alluring would make her harder to resist, nothing she could wear would make her more lovely to me. I was glad she hadn't changed her normal habits with me here.

She whispered a thanks and came to sit next to me on her bed. She stared at the floor.

"What was all that for?" I asked, thinking of how loudly she'd slammed the doors and banged around.

"Charlie thinks I'm sneaking out."

"Oh," I said wondering what I'd missed in his thoughts that would lead to that conclusion. "Why?"

"Apparently, I look a little overexcited."

I lifted her chin up to look more closely at her face.

"You look very warm, actually."

I lowered my face to hers and pressed my face against her soft cheek, inhaling her steamed fragrance, I sighed, "Mmmmmm…"

I thought of the analogy that I'd described this afternoon, of an alcoholic in a room with the scent of warmed brandy filling the air, and how I was beginning to actually enjoy her scent rather than seeing it as something that was just torturing me. It still did torture me in a way, but I was beginning to appreciate it. Such an odd balance, to be able to enjoy her scent even with the painful burning in my throat.

"It seems to be…" Bella hesitated, shaking her head slightly. "Much easier for you, now, to be close to me."

"Does it seem that way to you?" I whispered, skimming my nose up her jaw and inhaling again. I carefully brushed her wet hair away from her ear and kissed the delicate skin of her neck below her earlobe. The electricity that I always felt when I was close to her or touched her made me forget the pain in my throat again.

"Much, much easier," she said hesitantly.

"Hmm." I wondered absently if this new human desire to hold her closer was stronger now than even my thirst.

"So I was wondering…" I felt her warm breathe on my neck as she spoke and I began to trace her collarbone with one finger.

"Yes?" I prompted.

"Why is that," her voice was shaking, "do you think?"

I laughed quietly against her neck and just said, "Mind over matter."

Suddenly, she pulled away from me. The predator instinct that felt it's prey trying to escape wanted to lash out. I held my breath and forced myself to hold still until I was in control again. We stared at each other for a moment until I could relax my clenched jaw. Then I was confused. Why did she pull away from me?

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No - the opposite. You're driving me crazy," she explained.

I wasn't hurting her or doing anything she disliked? I was ecstatic and said, "Really?" I grinned, feeling like I'd won the grand prize in a contest.

"Would you like a round of applause?" She said facetiously.

That would feel appropriate right now, but I simply said, "I'm just pleasantly surprised. In the last hundred years or so, I never imagined anything like this. I didn't believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with… in another way than my brothers and sisters. And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it…at being with you…"

"You're good at everything," she interrupted.

I just shrugged and we both laughed quietly.

"But how can it be so easy now?" she pressed. "This afternoon…"

"It's not _easy,_" I sighed thinking of just a few moments ago when I'd had to hold my breath. "But this afternoon, I was still…undecided. I am sorry about that, it was unforgivable for me to behave so."

"Not unforgivable." She shook her head.

"Thank you." I smiled. "You see," I started to explain, looking away from her eyes, "I wasn't sure if I was strong enough…" I picked up her hand and pressed it to my face. "And while there was still that possibility that I might be…overcome" - I breathed in the scent at her wrist - "I was…susceptible. Until I made up my mind that I _was_ strong enough, that there was no possibility at all that I would…that I ever could…" I was ashamed even now to admit what we both already knew I was struggling with.

"So there's no possibility now?"

"Mind over matter," I repeated and smiled at her again.

"Wow, that was easy," she said so nonchalantly that it made me laugh.

"Easy for _you_!" I corrected, playfully tweaking the end of her nose.

Abruptly the exuberance that I felt turned serious when I remembered again how the predator instinct in me surfaced so quickly just a moment ago. It was painful to think I could ever even come close to hurting her.

"I'm trying," I whispered. "If it gets to be…to much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."

She scowled at me.

"And it will be harder tomorrow," I went on. "I've had the scent of you in my head all day, and I've grown amazingly desensitized. If I'm away from you for any length of time, I'll have to start over again. Not quite from scratch, though, I think."

"Don't go away, then," she said quickly, longingly.

"That suits me. Bring on the shackles - I'm your prisoner." I wrapped my fingers around her wrists to illustrate and laughed quietly at her surprised expression.

"You seem more… optimistic than usual," she observed. "I haven't seen you like this before."

"Isn't it supposed to be like this?" I smiled. "The glory of first love, and all that. It's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"

"Very different," she agreed. "More forceful than I'd imagined."

"For example" - I quickly said still feeling like I was flying - "the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a hundred thousand times, seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me…" I paused grimacing at the memory. "Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?"

She nodded. "The day you started talking to me again."

I smiled at the way she referred to that same day, and went on with my explanation, "I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt - I didn't recognize what it was at first. I was even more aggravated than usual that I couldn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him. Was it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way. I _tried_ not to care.

"And then the line started forming," I chuckled at the memory while Bella scowled in the same way that she had back then.

"I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions. I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face. But I couldn't be sure.

"That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was _right,_ moral, ethical, and what I _wanted._ I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.

"And then," I whispered, relieved that I could finally share all this with her, "as you were sleeping, you said my name. You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you'd woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed. The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering. And I knew I couldn't ignore you any longer."

I was silent for a moment and listened to the uneven beat of her heart, reveling in the meaning behind the uneven thumps.

"But jealousy…" I continued, "it's a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…" I felt the anger again and shook my head.

"I should have known you'd be listening," she groaned.  
"Of course."

"_That_ made you feel jealous, though, really?" she asked incredulously.

"I'm new at this; you're resurrecting the human in me, and everything feels stronger because it's fresh."

"But honestly," her voice was teasing now, "for that to bother you, after I have to hear that Rosalie - Rosalie, the incarnation of pure beauty, _Rosalie _- was meant for you. Emmett or no Emmett, how can I compete with that?"

"There's no competition." I smiled at her and pulled her arms around me so that her face was leaning against my chest.

"I _know_ there's no competition," she mumbled against my shirt. "That's the problem."

"Of course Rosalie _is _beautiful in her way, but even if she wasn't like a sister to me, even if Emmett didn't belong with her, she could never have one tenth, no, one hundredth of the attraction you hold for me," I said seriously, wondering if I'd be able to explain how much she means to me. "For almost ninety years I've walked among my kind, and yours… all the time thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking. And not finding anything, because you weren't alive yet."

"It hardly seems fair," she whispered, "I haven't had to wait at all. Why should I get off so easily?"

"You're right," I agreed, amused at her conclusion. "I should make this harder for you, definitely." I stroked her wet hair down her back to her waist. "You only have to risk your life every second you spend with me, that's surely not much. You only have to turn your back on nature, on humanity…what's that worth?"

"Very little - I don't feel deprived of anything," she responded in the same teasing tone, but I abruptly felt the seriousness of what we were talking about.

"Not yet," I said, not wanting to think about how long she would feel this way. How long I could enjoy being near her before she would change her mind about me. Before she would see how much she would miss by loving me and want something more.

She tried to pull away from my hug just when I heard Charlie moving up the stairs with his mind thinking of Bella. "What -" she started to stay.

I released her and disappeared into the closet. "Lie down!" I hissed.

She caught herself before landing face first into the bed and laying back on her pillow, curled up under her quilt. The door creaked open and Charlie peered into the room. I rolled my eyes at the way Bella was exaggerating the movement of her breaths, but her father seemed to be fairly certain she wasn't up to anything. Never-the-less, when I saw him close the door, I heard the protective fatherly tone of his thoughts as he went down the stairs and outside to her truck.

I went to Bella's bed, sliding quietly under the covers near her. Her back was towards me and I wrapped my arm around her waist, leaning close to her ear.

"You are a terrible actress -" I whispered, "I'd say that career path is out for you."

"Darn it," she muttered and smiled slightly.

Her heart was racing again and I hummed her lullaby to help her calm down. She rolled onto her back and I moved my left arm from around her waist, so that the weight of it wouldn't bother her. I was still humming when I paused, wondering if she was ready to fall asleep. "Should I sing you to sleep?"

"Right," she chuckled. "Like I could sleep with you here!"

"You do it all the time."

"But I didn't _know_ you were here," she pointed out.

"So if you don't want to sleep…," I started to say and then was distracted when I heard her breath catch in her throat.

"If I don't want to sleep…?"

I chuckled, "What do you want to do then?"

She was quiet, staring up at the ceiling.

I was laying on my side, watching her as she contemplated. It was dark enough in the room now that I didn't think she could see me the way I could see her. Of course, I could think of a few things to do, like kissing her again for instance, but I wanted to know what she was thinking without my interference.

"I'm not sure," she finally said.

"Tell me when you decide," I said sliding my nose along her jaw line again and inhaling her sweet scent.

"I thought you were desensitized," she said.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," I whispered into her neck. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender…or freesia," I said. I didn't think I could ever find a perfect comparison. "It's mouthwatering."

"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get _somebody_ telling me how edible I smell," she said facetiously.

I chuckled and then sighed in contentment.

"I've decided what I want to do," she told me suddenly. "I want to hear more about you."

"Ask me anything."

I propped my head up with my right hand so I could see her face. Her expression showed concentration for a moment as she stared at the ceiling, then she said, "Why do you do it? I still don't understand how you can work so hard to resist what you…_are._ Please don't misunderstand, of course I'm glad that you do," she added quickly. "I just don't see why you would bother in the first place."

I deliberated a moment. "That's a good question, and you are not the first one to ask it. The others- the majority of our kind who are quite content with our lot - they, too, wonder at how we live. But you see, just because we've been… dealt a certain hand… it doesn't mean that we can't choose to rise above - to conquer the boundaries of a destiny that none of us wanted. To try to retain whatever essential humanity we can."

She didn't move for a few minutes and I finally whispered, "Did you fall asleep?"

"No."

"Is that all you were curious about?" I wondered at her silence.

"Not quite," she said, sounding like there was a lot more that she wanted to ask.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Why can you read minds - why only you? And Alice, seeing the future…why does that happen?"

I shrugged. "We don't really know. Carlisle has a theory…he believes that we all bring something of our strongest human traits with us into the next life, where they are intensified - like our minds, and our senses. He thinks that I must have already been very sensitive to the thoughts of those around me. And that Alice had some precognition, where she was."

"What did he bring into the next life, and the others?"

"Carlisle brought his compassion. Esme brought her ability to love passionately. Emmett brought his strength, Rosalie her…tenacity. Or you could call it pigheadedness," I chuckled. "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the emotions of those around him - calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift."

She was quiet for a moment again and I waited for her to ask another question.

"So where did it all start? I mean, Carlisle changed you, and then someone must have changed him, and so on…"

"Well, where did you come from? Evolution? Creation? Couldn't we have evolved in the same way as other species, predator and prey? Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal with the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

"Let me get this straight -" her voice was teasing, "I'm the baby seal, right?"

"Right." I laughed and leaned forward kissing the side of her head.

She was quiet for a moment again. "Are you ready to sleep?" I asked, "Or do you have any more questions?"

"Only a million or two."

"We have tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…" I smiled, wondering how many days this bliss could last.

"Are you sure you won't vanish in the morning?" Her voice was uncertain, "You are mythical, after all."

"I won't leave you," I promised and carefully slid my right arm under her neck so she could rest her head on my shoulder.

"One more, then, tonight…" She blushed, warmth emanating from her face against my shoulder.

"What is it?" I asked, wondering what she would want to ask me that made her so uncomfortable.

"No, forget it. I changed my mind."

"Bella, you can ask me anything."

She didn't speak and I groaned.

"I keep thinking it will get less frustrating, not hearing your thoughts. But it just gets worse and _worse_."

"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleep-talking."

"Please?" I wasn't above begging.

She shook her head.

"If you don't tell me, I'll just assume It's something much worse than it is," I said darkly, wondering if she wanted to ask me what human blood tasted like or the mechanics of becoming a vampire. No matter how bad it was I needed to know what she was thinking. "Please?" I said again, hoping my voice was persuasive enough.

"Well," she said hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"You said that Rosalie and Emmett will get married soon…Is that…marriage…the same as it is for humans?"

I laughed, understanding what she was hinting at and was relieved that this was a pretty simple question to answer. "Is _that_ what you're getting at?"

She just fidgeted, still embarrassed I surmised.

"Yes, I suppose it is much the same," I said, still laughing softly. "I told you, most of those human desires are there, just hidden behind more powerful desires."

"Oh," was her only response, but she was still tense and her heart hadn't slowed to a normal pace yet.

"Was there a purpose behind your curiosity?"

"Well, I did wonder…about you and me… someday…"

My teasing mood turned serious when I realized what she was really getting at.

"I don't think that…that…would be possible for us." Now It was my turn to feel uncomfortable, but for a different reason.

"Because it would be too hard for you, if I were that…close?" she asked blushing again.

"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." I gently placed my left hand on her flushed cheek, saying quietly, "If I were too hasty…if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly _breakable _you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

She didn't say anything to this and I began to worry that she was finally afraid of me. "Are you scared?" I asked.

After a moment she evenly said, "No. I'm fine."

I thought of something then and wondered if she'd mind my asking her, "I'm curious now, though," I said, trying to make my tone sound easygoing. "Have _you _ever…?"

"Of course not." She said quickly, her face grew warm again from another blush. "I told you I've never felt like this about anyone before, not even close."

"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."

"They do for me. Now, anyway, that they exist for me at all," she sighed and leaned into me.

"That's nice. We have that one thing in common, at least." I was glad there wasn't anything real for me to be jealous about. If I felt such anger towards Mike's fantasies and pathetic attempts to ask Bella out, I doubted I would be able to handle something that really happened in her past.

"Your human instincts…," she began, and I waited while she deliberated. "Well, do you find me attractive, in _that_ way, at all?"

I laughed and rumpled her damp hair.

"I may not be human, but I am a man," I assured her, thinking of how so many woman were needlessly concerned about being able to attract men, and Bella, to me, was more beautiful than any woman I'd ever known.

She yawned widely then, and I knew it was time for her to sleep.

"I've answered your questions, now you should sleep."

"I'm not sure if I can."

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" she said too loudly. Charlie didn't notice however, so I just laughed quietly at her reaction and began to hum her lullaby softly by her ear. I didn't want to tell her that it was her song until I could play it for her tomorrow, if she agreed to come to my house.

She fell asleep swiftly and wasn't as restless as most nights when I'd watched her sleep. It was comforting to realize that I could help her fall asleep. I kept holding her, humming and lightly stroking her hair away from her face until it was completely dry.

After a while, she began to twitch slightly and I wondered what she was dreaming. Then, she said my name as she had so many nights before. It meant even more after all we'd come through today, but I felt that same swell of joy when I knew again that she was dreaming of me.

"Edward," she mumbled again and snuggled closer, pushing her nose under the collar of my shirt, then sighed, "I love you."

For a moment, I heard no other sound but her breathing and the steady rhythm of her heartbeat. I felt as if my own dead heart would restart at the shock of her unconscious declaration. Realizing I was holding my breath, I lost the ability to move my limbs. Her words repeated over and over in my mind - as if she were repeating them to me. In every action today, she told me that she loved me, but to hear the words, undiluted, coming straight from her subconscious, was more amazing than any other part of this incredible day.

Bella loved me.

I've always felt so unworthy of her, yet, remarkably, she has given me her love. No matter how long she is able to love me, even if it were only for this one day, it would be far beyond what I could have imagined. She felt like the other half of myself that I didn't know I was missing, fitting perfectly into my side as she slept. Her soft delicate frame seemed to melt into my ribs as if she were made to be by my side.

And Bella loved _me_.

So unlikely, so impossible, yet somehow true. I imagined her voice in my mind again, declaring her love, and I felt as if my ribs wouldn't be able to contain the pressure of my swelling chest. Never before had I felt so completely filled, so overcome by a human emotion. During this day, I'd come to realize that the desire I had for her blood and the desire for her love were equal, but now I knew, impossible as it was, that one had grown stronger than even the other.

I inhaled her scent, no longer thinking of it as a torment like I did at first. I was grateful. Thankful for the pain burning in my throat, because it meant that she existed.

_ Bella is my life. _

Existence without her was no longer a possibility. Bella was the sun of my universe, yet _she_ loved _me_. I let the realization sink into my limbs until my imagined paralysis left my fingers tingling and I could move my arms again. I held her more closely and stroked her hair away from her ear.

"Bella," I whispered, "I love you too."


	6. The Cullens 17

Disclaimer-- Stephanie Meyer's owns all thing Twilight --

And now for some fun family times! These are the hardest and often the best chapters to go through!

**The Cullens - 17**

I held Bella for several hours just stroking her hair, counting her heartbeats, and breathing in her torturously sweet smell. There wasn't a possibility that I could grow tired of doing this, but when Bella was deeply asleep and it was very early morning, she began to shiver. Slipping carefully away from her, I got an extra blanket from the hall closet as I'd done once before and tucked it around her before leaving out the window.

I felt too euphoric to notice anything around me as I raced home, and when I got to the house and ran into the main room my family was waiting for me. Well, all of them, but one. Rosalie was upstairs very obviously trying to not even think of me. In between the ideas she was crowding her mind with, to tweak Emmett's jeep, a few expletives directed at me slipped through her mind. I ignored her as best as I could.

Alice beamed, dancing across the room to me, _Now everything will be perfect, and I can talk to her now right? _She hugged me quickly and said, "I told them that you would bring her back alive."

I laughed and saw myself in all of their minds as they watched me and knew that my wide grin looked idiotic. Alice had told them that I'd kissed her and I felt embarrassed when I heard the admiration for my self-control in their minds, but I couldn't care right now. I was too happy.

Esme's dimpled face was glowing and she was, quite possibly, even happier for me than I felt for myself at the moment.

"Jasper has to wrestle with Emmett whenever he wants for the next week," Alice continued gleefully, "And Emmett's jeep will soon be a bit more powerful, and…"

"Yes, yes," I interrupted her. "I have no idea why anyone would bet against you, Alice."

Emmett chuckled. _You're insane, bro. _He shrugged and pointed out, "I took a chance on your lunacy, and it paid off."

"Emmett!" Esme swatted his arm. "Edward is not a lunatic, don't say things like that." She was too happy about me to scold with any force and failed miserably, laughing instead.

I was slightly surprised that even Jasper had bet against what Alice had seen, but I knew it made him feel better in an odd way, that I was struggling so much right now. Of course, he could have easily won the bet even with what she saw. I looked over at Jasper by the glass wall as he picked up the chess boards and pieces from his latest conquest.

"Alice…" I began.

"Yes, I told them," Alice said jubilantly, "You want to bring Bella here in the morning. Don't worry. She's going to love it! And I won't have to pretend that she isn't my friend anymore. Do you think I could take her shopping soon?" Alice was bouncing on her toes as she talked.

"Slow down," Carlisle said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "If Bella decides to come here, we need to be sensitive, to ease her into this first meeting." Carlisle was thinking of ways to make Bella more comfortable when she came and wondered if they should be introduced one at a time.

"She's very interested in all of you," I said, "and seems to want to get to know more about you."

_Well, I won't be here! _ Rosalie's thoughts shouted angrily at me before she made herself concentrate again. I didn't acknowledge her; she'd get over her jealousy soon enough.

"Bella has already met you, Carlisle," I went on, "Maybe if she saw you and Esme first it would make her the most comfortable."

_Will she be afraid of us?_

"I really don't know, Esme," I said, answering her thoughts, "She hardly ever seems to be afraid of anything." I shook my head. "It's like she has no sense of self-preservation at all."

Emmet chuckled. "She's just as insane as he is. I guess that's a good thing in this case."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Hardly, Emmett."

Even if Bella felt comfortable with meeting my family, I was still feeling overly protective. An accident could happen, and if I was going to protect her soul and future, I would need to make sure she would be as safe as possible. All of us posed a risk.

"When she seems comfortable with Carlisle and Esme…" I began.

"Then, Jasper and I can come meet her, right?" Alice verified, "We'll be at the top of the stairs and you can just say our names or something so we'll know when to come down." _That would probably seem the most natural to her. _

Jasper could almost taste the unease that was emanating from me, especially when I looked at him. _Just spit it out, Edward. _

_Fine. _"Jasper, could you keep your distance when I introduce you?"

He nodded and thought, _This will be a lot easier when she's one of us._

"That's not going to happen." I growled.

"Don't worry about it, Edward," Alice said quickly, bouncing on her toes again, "We'll be ready when you bring her. Anyway, Bella will be waking up soon. You'd better change and get back over there so you can bring her here _soon_."

Bella was still asleep when I got back to her room. The muted morning light brightened the room gradually as I sat in my usual spot, in the rocking chair, watching her peaceful face. She began to move restlessly as the morning light grew brighter until she moaned and rolled over. Then without warning she sat up quickly.

"Oh!" She said, looking dizzy.

Every other time I had been here to watch her sleep, I always left before she woke up and I wondered if she normally woke so quickly. She looked adorable when she was sleepy, and her hair was tangled from how I'd been playing with it for most of the night. "Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it."

"Edward! You stayed!" She said, throwing herself across the room and into my lap.

"Of course." I was surprised, but it was much easier to be near her now, that her exuberance didn't bother me at all. To hold Bella again was exactly what I wanted, but she looked up at me as if she were afraid she'd moved too quickly. I laughed at her shocked expression.

I rubbed her back in small circles to help her calm down, and she laid her head against my shoulder.

She took a deep breath. "I was sure it was a dream."

"You're not that creative," I scoffed, remembering her first speculations of what she thought I could be. _Superhero indeed. _I rolled my eyes.

"Charlie!" She gasped, and leaping up, she rushed toward the door.

"He left an hour ago - after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?"

She just stood there staring at me for a moment, biting her lower lip.

"You're not usually this confused in the morning," I commented and then held my arms out to her, inviting her to come back.

"I need another human minute."

"I'll wait," I said, dropping my arms.

Bella skipped from the room. Even confused as she was, I never saw her move so gracefully before, so coordinated. Her eyes were brighter this morning than any other day. I heard her turn the water on and brush her teethe. Then I heard a brush being pulled through her hair. Soon she bounded back into her room, her face was freshly washed.

"Welcome back," I said as I pulled her into my lap again and folded my arms around her.

We rocked quietly for a while just looking into each others eyes.

She looked over my face and hair as if she were memorizing me. Then she touched the collar of my shirt. "You left?" she accused.

"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in - what would the neighbors think?"

Her lower lip popped out, pouting adorably. Apparently, my joke wasn't appreciated.

"You were very deeply asleep," I said quickly to reassure her, "I didn't miss anything. The talking came earlier."

She groaned. "What did you hear?"

I looked into her eyes, all the tenderness I felt for her washing over me. "You said you loved me."

"You knew that already," she said blushing, and looked down.

"It was nice to hear, just the same."

She hid her face in my shoulder and whispered into my neck, "I love you."

"You are my life now." I simply said the truth that was now the basis of my existence.

I rocked her quietly, neither of us feeling the need to speak, until the morning light was brighter in the room and I remembered that she would need to eat soon.

"Breakfast time," I said casually.

Bella leaned away from me, clutching her throat with wide eyes. I was shocked. She couldn't possibly think I meant that.

"Kidding!" she snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"

I frowned. Maybe she was a better actress than I thought, but that was hardly the best way to prove it. "That wasn't funny."

"It was very funny, and you know it." She looked cautiously into my eyes for a moment.

I decided that even if I couldn't find humor in the _topic_ she was making fun of, I could agree that _she_ was quite funny at least. "Shall I rephrase? Breakfast time for the human."

"Oh, okay," she said lightly.

I decided it was my turn to tease her, so I threw her gently over my shoulder, carried her down the stairs, and into the kitchen. She protested the whole way, much to my amusement. I sat her up in one of the chairs at the table.

"What's for breakfast?" she asked sweetly.

"Er, I'm not sure." I admitted, wishing that I'd paid more attention to the food network channel. "What would you like?" I remembered her telling me that she liked fried eggs, but I realized that I had no idea how to cook them. I decided then that this was a good time in my life to learn a new skill.

She hopped up and grinned at me. "That's all right, I fend for myself pretty well. Watch me hunt."

I sat down at the table and watched her hunt up a bowl of cereal and pour milk over it. It didn't look like it contained much nutritional substance. She grabbed a spoon and came back to the table. I wondered if I should add a study of nutritional foods to my knew project of learning to cook. Anything to improve her health and keep her well was important after all.

Bella paused before taking a bite and said, "Can I get you anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Just eat, Bella."

As she ate I watched each movement of her arm and mouth. It was oddly fascinating to see her eating, graceful in a way. I hadn't noticed before how the corners of her mouth puckered slightly as she chewed. Her lips were shaped like a strawberry as her chin moved up and down in rhythm. I never saw a human look so lovely while they ate, though perhaps it was just because I'd never paid attention before.

She swallowed, blushing slightly and asked, "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Hmmm…" I wondered what would be the best way to ask her. "What would you say to meeting my family?"

She gulped.

"Are you afraid now?" I asked hopefully, it would be easier to protect her if she was.

"Yes," she admitted, her eyes were wide with fright.

"Don't worry. I'll protect you." I said to assure her and myself.

"I'm not afraid of _them_," she scoffed. "I'm afraid they won't… like me. Won't they be, well, surprised that you would bring someone…like me…home to meet them? Do they know that I know about them?"

"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know" - I smiled ruefully - "on whether I'd bring you back, though why anyone would bet against Alice, I can't imagine. At any rate, we don't have secrets in the family. It's not really feasible, what with my mind reading and Alice seeing the future and all that."

"And Jasper making you feel all warm and fuzzy about spilling your guts, don't forget that."

"You paid attention," I smiled approvingly.

"I've been known to do that every now and then." She grimaced and asked, "So did Alice see me coming?"

"Something like that," I said, looking away from her so she couldn't see how the memory of Alice's visions upset me. After a moment I tried to change the subject. Abruptly turning to her, I asked, "Is that any good?" I couldn't imagine that it was. It mainly smelled like cardboard and sugar. "Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."

"Well, it's no irritable grizzly…" she murmured.

I frowned at how she could so easily accept my way of life. It wasn't natural.

She ate more quickly, the pucker appeared between her eye-brows as she contemplated something.

I stood up and stared out the back window, thinking about how often I'd be hanging around her house. I smiled at her, saying, "And you should introduce me to your father, too, I think."

"He already knows you," she pointed out.

"As your boyfriend, I mean."

She stared at me suspiciously. "Why?"

"Isn't that customary?" I know the times have changed, but why did it always bother her when I suggested that Charlie be aware of my interest?

"I don't know," she admitted and looked confused. "That's not necessary, you know. I don't expect you to…I mean, you don't have to pretend for me."

"I'm not pretending." I smiled patiently, and sat down again across the table from her.

She pushed the leftover cereal crumbs around with her spoon, biting her lower lip, and saying nothing.

"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" I demanded, wondering why this conversation was so difficult for her.

"Is that what you are?" Her expression was slightly pained.

"It's a loose interpretation of the word 'boy,' I'll admit." I shrugged nonchalantly.

"I was under the impression that you were something more actually," she confessed, blushing at the table.

"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details." I reached across the table and lifted her chin gently so I could see her eyes. "But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."

"Will you be?" she asked anxiously. "Will you really be here?"

"As long as you want me," I assured her.

"I'll always want you," she said eagerly. "Forever."

I got up and walked around the table looking at her eager expression. I stood near her and gently stroked her cheek. I could see she meant what she was saying. She meant what she said right now anyway, but I knew she wouldn't always feel this way. It was just a matter of time before it was too much and she chose another path.

"Does that make you sad?" she asked.

I couldn't answer. I was lucky to have even this short time with her. To have her love at all, no matter how long it lasted, was more than I deserved. Looking deeply into her eyes I was sure I could see into her soul. So beautiful, so pure. I could never take her soul away from her just for my own selfishness. _And that is what it would be_. I told myself. _Just selfishness. She doesn't really want this. _She said "forever" so easily, but how could she have any idea what eternity feels like?

Finally I was able to compose myself and ask, "Are you finished?"

"Yes," she said, jumping up.

"Get dressed - I'll wait here."

I was having a hard time shaking my melancholy mood as Bella changed upstairs in her room, but when she'd finished and I saw her at the top of the stairs, my mind changed gears immediately.

"Okay," she announced. "I'm decent." And she skipped down the stairs so quickly that she ran right into me at the bottom of them.

I steadied her and held her away from me for a moment to look at her. She was wearing a long, tan-colored skirt and the dark blue blouse that I'd complemented once before. She looked exquisitely feminine, the shade of blue made her skin look like honey and cream, and her blouse clung to her slight shape like a flower petal. She had pulled her hair back and it accentuated the curve of her neck.

I drew her close to me and whispered in her ear, "Wrong again. You are utterly indecent - no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."

"Tempting how?" she asked, sounding concerned. "I can change…"

I sighed realizing that she had no idea what I meant and shook my head. "You are _so_ absurd." I pressed my lips to her forehead and breathed in the floral scent of her hair.

"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" I suggested, slowly tracing my fingers down her spine. As if the way she dressed could change effect a vampires desire for her blood. No, she was tempting me in a far more human way. My breath sped as I pulled her closer to me and tilted my head down to press my lips gently to hers.

And then she collapsed in my arms.

"Bella?" I couldn't understand what just happened. Did her heart suddenly stop for no reason?

"You…made…me…faint," she accused dizzily.

_"What am I going to do with you?" _ I groaned, exasperated. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"

She laughed weakly while I held her up.

"So much for being good at everything," I sighed and shook my head.

"That's the problem," she said faintly. "You're _too_ good. Far, far too good."

"Do you feel sick?" I asked remembering the other times when she'd felt faint.

"No - that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." She shook her head, her tone sounding apologetic. "I think I forgot to breathe."

"I can't take you anywhere like this," I said, exasperated. Bella was so fragile, how could I expect her to handle meeting all of my family.

"I'm fine," she insisted. "Your family is going to think I'm insane anyway, what's the difference?"

I looked at her for a moment, gauging if she really was well enough to go, and again I was struck by her loveliness. "I'm very partial to that color with your skin." My sudden compliment made her blush, emphasizing the truth to my words.

"Look, I'm trying really hard not to think about what I'm about to do, so can we go already?" she asked quickly.

"And you're worried, not because you're headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won't approve of you, correct?"

"That's right," she said immediately.

I shook my head and said truthfully. "You're incredible."

Bella didn't protest when I helped her into the passenger side of her truck, insisting that I drive again. I held her hand as I drove and thought again about how fragile humans were. She "forgets" to breathe and faints. I shook my head and decided I needed to be even more careful in the future, wondering what her reaction to my family would be. She never reacted in a way that I expected. It wasn't natural, but she just became all the more fascinating to me. Of anyone that I'd ever met, she was definitely the one in need of the most protection. At first I thought it was mainly protection from me that she needed, then I realized a natural disaster or a sadistic human or a random accident anything could hurt her. Now I began to wonder if she really wasn't really a magnet for danger or extremely unlucky. No, it wasn't some outside force, she just had no idea what was good for her, and she didn't seem to care at all! I felt a little angry that she cared so little for herself when I loved her so deeply. I couldn't stand the thought of her being hurt or getting sick, or… "forgetting" to breathe… I sighed and began to listen closely to each of her breaths, taking note of how often she breathed in and out as she sat quietly next to me. I was already attune to her heartbeats, but I made myself listen even more closely. Soon I would be able to recognize her heart from miles away.

As I turned onto the winding driveway to the house, Bella grew more excited, her heart rate sped slightly and she leaned where she sat, trying to see around the next curve in the road.

Her eyes grew wide as she looked over our large house. "Wow."

"You like it?" I smiled at her expression.

"It …has a certain charm."

I pulled the end of her ponytail and chuckled, guessing what she might have been expecting, and then went around the truck to open her door. "Ready?" I asked.

"Not even a little bit - let's go." She chocked on a laugh and nervously smoothed her hair back. So needlessly worried about what they would think of her.

"You look lovely." I took her hand and led her across the porch. She still seemed nervous so I rubbed gentle circles on the back of her hand with my thumb, and slowly opened the door.

Carlisle and Esme were waiting on the raised floor next to the grand piano, but Bella didn't notice them right away. She gazed appreciatively around the large room, looking surprised.

_Oh, dear, _Esme though, _listen to her heart race. I hope we don't frighten her too much._

I looked at Esme and barely smiling, shook my head slightly. I didn't think Bella was afraid of them in that way, but I was so often surprised by her reactions that I knew it was wise for them to be cautious.

When Bella noticed them standing in the room, they smiled at her and I said, "Carlisle, Esme, this is Bella."

"You're very welcome, Bella," Carlisle said and stepped carefully toward us. He raised his hand tentatively, Bella stepped easily up to him and shook hands.

"It's nice to see you again, Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle."

"Carlisle." She grinned and her heart rate slowed. I was relieved that she was taking this all so easily now. _She's so relaxed, so at ease with him. Truly remarkable_.

Esme stepped forward then and shook Bella's hand. "It's very nice to know you," she said and thought, _She really isn't afraid at all, is she? _Unconsciously I squeezed Bella's hand and Esme's eyes flickered down to our twined fingers. Her thoughts were barely coherent as she beamed with satisfaction.

"Thank you. I'm glad to meet you too," Bella said, and I wished she could know as I could how much they really did like her. I could tell she was genuinely excited to be there, happy to be welcomed into my life so completely. I didn't know how she was doing it, but she was acting as if we were just a normal family. Maybe that was really how she saw us.

"Where are Alice and Jasper?" I asked, knowing of course that they were waiting for me to say their names before appearing. Besides that, Alice's excited thoughts had been buzzing in the back of my mind even before we'd turned onto the driveway.

"Hey, Edward!" Alice called from the top of the stairs.

_Where are we. _Jasper chuckled as hefollowed behind Alice. _Right, real funny, Edward._

Alice raced down then, too impatient to walk at a human pace. "Hi, Bella!" Alice bounced up to her, and to everyone's astonishment, she leaned over and kissed Bella on the cheek. Bella was clearly surprised but didn't appear to be bothered by it. _Welcome to the family, _Alice thought cheerfully and I instinctively tightened my grip on Bella's hand as Alice's mind flicked briefly to the vision that she'd had of Bella as a newborn vampire their arms around each other as best friends. I stiffened, trying to control the outburst I knew would happen if I allowed myself to acknowledge Alice's thoughts. She was determined to just be herself, and said easily, "You do smell nice, I never noticed before."

Bella blushed, but didn't seem to be bothered by Alice's exuberance.

Carlisle and Esme, however, were shocked at her behavior, and as they took in Bella's expression, realizing that she wasn't afraid their thoughts were even more surprised that Bella was handling this so well.

Jasper slowly came down to join us. I could tell he was taking in the atmosphere, surprised by how relaxed it felt given the events he'd just witnessed.

_ I'm fine, Edward. Really, _he thought, sensing my nervousness. _Trust me, Alice would never forgive me if I did anything to mess this up._ Jasper let a wave of calm wash over the room.

I looked at him skeptically.

_ What? Even if she doesn't need it, you do._

He was right. I was more worried than Bella was, and I knew I needed to relax. Enjoy this time instead of freaking out.

"Hello, Bella," Jasper said, but didn't offer to shake her hand.

"Hello, Jasper." Bella smiled shyly at him and then smiled at the others, saying, "It's nice to meet you all - you have a very beautiful home."

"Thank you. We're so glad that you came." Esme was literally beaming at Bella. _So brave, so at home with him, _she thought. _Now if Emmett and Rosalie would only have stayed to meet her…_Her thoughts trailed off, longing to have all of her family together. I realized then that Esme already thought of Bella as her daughter.

Carlisle looked pointedly at me then and told me of Alice's latest vision of some visitors coming, he didn't want to say it out loud, afraid that it would scare Bella. I nodded slightly, wondering if Bella had noticed the exchange, but she was looking at my piano thoughtfully.

Esme was watching Bella's face, she thought that her expression was longing for some reason. "Do you play?" she asked.

"Not at all." Bella shook her head. "But it's beautiful. Is it yours?"

"No," she laughed."Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"

Bella glared narrowly at me. "No. I should have known, I guess."

Esme was confused and raised her eyebrows, questioningly.

"Edward can do everything, right?" Bella tried to explain.

Jasper snickered at Bella's sweeping statement and Esme, looking sternly at me, said, "I hope you haven't been showing off - it's rude,"

I laughed at her trying to scold me, when she would like nothing better than for me to show off some more. "Just a bit," I confirmed.

_She _is_ a smart girl. I knew she would be able to see what a catch you are. _

"He's been too modest, actually," Bella said, she seemed to be trying to defend me but there was no need.

"Well, play for her." Esme's hints weren't usually subtle.

"You just said showing off was rude," I teased.

"There are exceptions to every rule," she said quickly.

"I'd like to hear you play," Bella commented, stepping toward the piano.

"It's settled then." Esme pushed me towards the piano bench and was practically bursting with her motherly pride as she watched Bella sit down next to me.

I looked at Bella and smiled with exasperation before letting go of her hand and turning to the keys. Beginning with Esme's favorite, a tribute to her and Carlisle's love, I watched Bella through their minds. They all chuckled quietly when her mouth fell open and her eyes grew wide as she listened.

Turning to her casually I winked, asking, "Do you like it?"

"You wrote this?" she gasped.

I just nodded and shrugged. "It's Esme's favorite."

Bella closed her eyes and shook her head.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm feeling extremely insignificant."

I didn't want her to feel bad in any way. The only reason I was able to play so well was because I had a century of practice to my name and no other good way to spend my time. She was my inspiration now, and the most significant part of my life.

Transitioning from Esme's song, I changed keys easily and began to play Bella's Lullaby. It was slower, less complicated, and I hoped that it would make her feel more comfortable. My family had one by one been slipping away, and Esme was the last to leave, but I wasn't paying much attention to their thoughts now. I glanced at the bottle cap still sitting on top of the piano and wondered if Bella would notice it there and be curious.

"You inspired this one," I said quietly. Her eyes softened and she inhaled as if she could smell the sweetness in the music. I had never played it as well as I did at this moment. My inspiration was sitting next to me and she was the one that brought the song, and myself, to life.

After a moment I said, "They like you, you know." I hoped to ease her mind, such a silly worry. "Esme especially."

She looked behind us at the empty room. "Where did they go?"

"Very subtly giving us some privacy, I suppose."

"_They _like me." She sighed. "But Rosalie and Emmett…" she trailed off and the pucker between her eyebrows came back while she bit her lower lip.

I frowned. "Don't worry about Rosalie." It annoyed me that she couldn't put her vanity aside to even be civil to Bella, but what bothered me most was that it seemed to worry Bella so much. "She'll come around." I assured her.

She pursed her lips. "Emmett?"

"Well, he thinks _I'm_ a lunatic, it's true, but he doesn't have a problem with you. He's trying to reason with Rosalie."

"What is it that upsets her?"

I listened to Emmett's progress as he spoke with her in the garage. Rosalie was busy with his jeep and doing her best to ignore his reasoning. I sighed deeply. "Rosalie struggles the most with…with what we are. It's hard for her to have someone on the outside know the truth. And she's a little jealous."

_"Rosalie_ is jealous of _me?_" Her tone was incredulous and she looked as if she were trying to do a complicated math problem in her head.

"You're human." I shrugged. "She wishes that she were, too." That was the main problem at least.

"Oh," she mumbled. "Even Jasper, though…"

"That's really my fault," I interrupted, "I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."

"Esme and Carlisle…?" she asked quickly.

"Are happy to see me happy. Actually, Esme wouldn't care if you had a third eye and webbed feet. All this time she's been worried about me, afraid that there was something missing from my essential makeup, that I was too young when Carlisle changed me… She's ecstatic. Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction."

"Alice seems very…enthusiastic."

"Alice has her own way of looking at things," I said, pressing my lips together, I vowed again to do everything I could to keep her vision from coming to pass.

"And you're not going to explain that, are you?"

She was always too observant, but I _wasn't_ going to explain Alice's vision. She would want "forever" to happen now and the less she knew the better. I would never allow it, and I was not about to give her any more ideas than she already had. We stared each other down for a few minutes until she broke the silence.

"So what was Carlisle telling you before?"

"You noticed that, did you?" Why was I even surprised?

She shrugged. "Of course."

I stared at her for a few minutes wondering if it would be wise to tell her what Carlisle had said. It might scare her, but then I've been wrong before, yet if it did scare her I doubted that would be a bad thing. She needed a healthy dose of fear. "He wanted to tell me some news - he didn't know if it was something I would share with you."

"Will you?" she asked hopefully.

"I have to, because I'm going to be a little…overbearingly protective over the next few days - or weeks - and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, exactly. Alice just sees some visitors coming soon. They know we're here, and they're curious."

"Visitors?" Bella looked confused.

"Yes…well, they aren't like us, of course - in their hunting habits, I mean. They probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone."

She shivered.

"Finally, a rational response!" I muttered. "I was beginning to think you had no sense of self-preservation at all."

She ignored my comment and looked around the large room again.

"Not what you expected, is it?"

"No," she admitted.

"No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don't even think we have cobwebs…what a disappointment this must be for you," I continued glancing up from the keys slyly.

"It's so light…so open," she said, ignoring my teasing, so I answered seriously.

"It's the one place we never have to hide." I thought of the way my life had to be and how very little she understood of it. She saw the human charade and couldn't see the reality, the struggles we all have to live with. I had continued to play her song while we spoke and now seemed like an appropriate time to end it. The major key reverting to the miner, fitting my melancholy thoughts, and reminding me where our love story was bound to end. The last note, unresolved, hung in the air suspended like a tear. When I looked at Bella again there were real tears in her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered, and quickly dabbed at her wet face, blushing.

Before she could remove them all, I reached up to the corner of her eye and caught one on my finger. I examined it closely, wishing again for the impossible. I wished I could cry as she could, that I were human, and we could grow old together. Have children and grandchildren. Perhaps it was morbid curiosity, but suddenly, I wanted to experience her tears. Without thinking, I quickly put the tear in my mouth to taste it.

Bella's heart rate sped slightly and I stared at her for a moment wondering if I'd offended her. Her eyes were only full of questions though and I finally smiled. Not particularly wanting to explain what I'd just been thinking about, I changed the subject.

"Do you want to see the rest of the house?"

"No coffins?" she verified sarcastically, but seeming anxious.

I laughed and took her hand again as I lead her away from the piano and into the rest of the house. "No coffins," I promised.

As we walked up the stairs, Bella gazed appreciatively at the light wood paneling and floors. Tracing her hand up the railing as we walked. When we were at the top of the stairs I gave a quick commentary for our tour and gestured at the doors that we passed. "Rosalie and Emmett's room… Carlisle's office… Alice's room…" I would have continued with my commentary, but she stopped at the end of the hallway and stared at the wall above us. I chuckled when I realized she was staring at Carlisle's cross.

"You can laugh," I told her kindly. I didn't want her to worry about offending me. "It _is _sort of ironic."

Curiosity was written all over her face. "It must be very old," she said wonderingly.

"Early sixteen-thirties, more or less." I shrugged.

She looked away from it, staring incredulously at me. "Why do you keep this here?"

"Nostalgia. It belonged to Carlisle's father."

"He collected antiques?" her voice sounded doubtful.

"No. He carved this himself. It hung on the wall above the pulpit in the vicarage where he preached."

I watched her closely as she processed this new piece of information. Now she really was doing a math problem in her head, and I waited for her to speak. She stared at me for a long time, then let her gaze drift back to the cross. Her eyes had taken on a new expression, one I wasn't expecting and didn't fully understand. She seemed to be having some internal struggle and she was so quiet that I started to worry.

"Are you all right?"

"How old is Carlisle?" Bella whispered, still staring at the cross.

"He just celebrated his three hundred and sixty-second birthday."

She looked at me then with so many questions behind her eyes that I immediately began to explain.

"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though."

Her face showed no sign of distress at this information so I continued.

"He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves… and vampires." Bella was so absorbed that she was practically frozen in front of me, staring into my face like she couldn't take in a sufficient amount of information fast enough to answer her questions. I continued swiftly.

"They burned a lot of innocent people - of course the real creatures that he sought were not so easy to catch.

"When the pastor grew old, he placed his obedient son in charge of the raids. At first Carlisle was a disappointment; he was not quick to accuse, to see demons where they did not exist. But he was persistent, and more clever than his father. He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt. In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends, that was the way many lived.

"The people gathered their pitchforks and torches, of course" - I laughed darkly at the absurdity of it - "and waited where Carlisle had seen the monsters exit into the street. Eventually one emerged."

My voice grew quieter as I thought of Carlisle's memories, vivid in his mind even 300 years later. In the beginning, it was despair that had made him cling so desperately to his human memories.

"He must have been ancient, and weak with hunger. Carlisle heard him call out in Latin to the others when he caught the scent of the mob. He ran through the streets, and Carlisle - he was twenty-three and very fast - was in the lead of the pursuit. The creature could have easily outrun them, but Carlisle thinks he was too hungry, so he turned and attacked. He fell on Carlisle first, but the others were close behind, and he turned to defend himself. He killed two men, and made off with a third, leaving Carlisle bleeding in the street."

I paused thinking through the next part of the story. I knew exactly how many times Carlisle had been bitten. It was unfortunate, not only for Carlisle but for myself, since he'd used the details of his change as a model for how to change me. Bella noticed my hesitation and looked as if she knew I was keeping something from her, so I quickly went on, skipping the details of how he was changed.

"Carlisle knew what his father would do. The bodies would be burned - anything infected by the monster must be destroyed. Carlisle acted instinctively to save his own life. He crawled away from the alley while the mob followed the fiend and his victim. He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days. It's a miracle he was able to keep silent, to stay undiscovered.

"It was over then, and he realized what he had become."

Bella was so still that I was afraid she might forget to breathe again. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she said, biting her lower lip.

I smiled at her. "I expect you have a few more questions for me." As she always did.

"A few."

My smile grew wider when I saw how eager her expression was compared to the words she chose, and I led her back through the hallway to Carlisle's office. "Come on, then," I encouraged. "I'll show you."


	7. Carlisle 18

--- Stephanie Meyer owns this, and unfortunately I can't make any money or get any recognition from all the hard work I put into this. It was rewarding for me personally though and I hope you all enjoy it too!

Edward doesn't have much time to really be happy, so.. Lets let him have a few moments with these chapters shall we? :]

**Carlisle -18**

Carlisle had, of course, heard our entire conversation, but I paused outside his office door for a moment, waiting politely for an invitation.

"Come in," he said aloud, for Bella's benefit.

When I opened the door, Bella inhaled quickly and I watched her gaze as she looked up at the towering book shelves.

Carlisle was sitting at his desk, always studying, bettering himself; he put a ribbon in the thick book that he held. "What can I do for you?" he said, rising and smiling at Bella. _She has her own thirst for knowledge, I can see it in her eyes_, he thought, glancing briefly at me before looking back at Bella.

"I wanted to show Bella some of our history. Well, your history, actually."

"We didn't mean to disturb you," Bella said apologetically. Needlessly worried again, but I knew that Carlisle couldn't be happier to share any knowledge he had with her, to make her feel more at home and know us better. He already thought of Bella as a daughter just as Esme had.

"Not at all. Where are you going to start?" He said glancing at the framed paintings on the wall behind us.

"The Waggoner," I said excited now, and I put my hand on Bella's shoulder, spinning her around to look at the wall of pictures. Her heart quickened as it always did whenever I touched her.

Carlisle noticed the change of course and was amused. _You have quite an effect on her, _he thought.

Bella scanned the large and small paintings checkered over the wall. Her expression looked overwhelmed, as if she didn't know where to look first. I nudged her to the left and pointed out the smallest painting. "London in the sixteen-fifties," I said.

"The London of my youth," Carlisle added. Bella flinched slightly at the sound of his voice so near to us. She was so easily startled, always endearing in an odd way. I squeezed her hand reassuringly.

Bella examined the painting closely, her eyes glancing over the slanted roofs and spires of the city, the wide river in the foreground, and the tower encrusted bridge.

I glanced at Carlisle. "Will _you _tell the story?"

Bella looked over her shoulder to look at him too, curiosity flickering in her eyes.

"I would, but I'm actually running a bit late. The hospital called this morning - Dr. Snow is taking a sick day. Besides, you know the stories as well as I do" He said, and thought, _She might be more comfortable hearing the stories from you, regardless. _Carlisle smiled at Bella again before leaving.

I watched Bella for several minutes while she stared at the little painting. What was she thinking? She seemed so shocked when she heard how old Carlisle is. I wondered if she was starting to get a glimpse at what forever looks like.

"What happened then?" she finally asked, staring up at me. "When he realized what had happened to him?"

I looked at another painting, of a shadowed meadow in a forest, remembering his memories of that place, and how he'd tried to do away with himself. I stared at the tall cliff in the background. "When he knew what he had become, he rebelled against it," I said quietly. "He tried to destroy himself. But that's not easily done."

"How?" Bella gasped.

"He jumped from great heights," I shrugged. "He tried to drown himself in the ocean…but he was young to the new life, and very strong. It is amazing that he was able to resist…feeding…while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything. But he was so repelled by himself that he had the strength to try to kill himself with starvation."

"Is that possible?"

"No, there are very few ways we can be killed." I didn't particularly want to get into just how we really can be killed, so I continued before Bella could ask the question that I could see in her eyes. "So he grew very hungry, and eventually weak. He strayed as far as he could from the human populace, recognizing that his willpower was weakening, too. For months he wandered by night, seeking the loneliest places, loathing himself.

"One night, a herd of deer passed his hiding place. He was so wild with thirst that he attacked without a thought. His strength returned and he realized there was an alternative to being the vile monster he feared. Had he not eaten venison in his former life? Over the next months his new philosophy was born. He could exist without being a demon. He found himself again.

"He began to make better use of his time. He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn. Now he had unlimited time before him. He studied by night, planned by day. He swam to France and -"

"He _swam _to France?"

"People swim the Channel all the time, Bella," I pointed out, but suddenly realized that I never told her we don't need to breathe.

"That's true, I guess. It just sounded funny in that context. Go on."

I'd already told her so much about myself, what was one more fact? "Swimming is easy for us -"

"Everything is easy for _you,_" she complained.

I waited until her brief annoyance dissipated. I always found her irritation or anger humorous, it was like watching a fluffy kitten growling, adorable and harmless.

"I won't interrupt again, I promise."

I doubted she'd be able to keep that promise and chuckled. "Because, technically, we don't need to breathe."

"You -"

"No, no, you promised." I laughed and put a finger to her lips.

"You can't spring something like that on me," she mumbled against my finger, "and then expect me not to say anything."

I moved my hand to her neck under her hair, freeing her lips to talk. She was truly adorable when she was excited

"You don't have to _breathe?_" she demanded.

I shrugged. "No, it's not necessary. Just a habit."

"How long can you go… without _breathing?_"

"Indefinitely, I suppose; I don't know. It gets a bit uncomfortable - being without a sense of smell."

"A bit uncomfortable," she repeated.

Her eyes were full of such a strange look, almost of horror for a moment. She didn't say anything more. _This is it, _I thought sadly, _it's finally too much for her_. She realized that we were utterly different, that I'm an inhuman monster.

Dropping my hand from her neck, I waited quietly for her to run from me. I wouldn't try to stop her. I shouldn't stop her. I wanted her to go, yet I had to force myself to hold still, to not show any emotion on my face. The horror of my life without her was insignificant compared to her safety. Her life and humanity needed to be free from me.

I waited, willing myself to stay calm when she ran.

Gradually the strange look in her eyes softened, and then she looked wary and touched my face. "What is it?" She said quietly, only concerned in the tone of her voice.

I felt myself relax under her touch. Perhaps she was only been taken by surprise. That was understandable right? I was instantly grateful that I would have more time with her before the inevitable and sighed, "I keep waiting for it to happen."

"For what to happen?"

"I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go." I smiled sadly. "I won't stop you. I want this to happen, because I want you to be safe. And yet, I want to be with you. The two desires are impossible to reconcile…" I couldn't explain any better, and just stared into her face, wondering how much more information she would be able to take.

"I'm not running anywhere," she said assuredly.

A kitten could sound just as brave, but that bravery couldn't always last. "We'll see," I smiled again, hoping for a little more time before the inevitable.

She frowned at me. "So, go on - Carlisle was swimming to France."

I looked back to the wall and pointed at the largest painting. As I stared at the sweeping robes of the Volturi standing on a marble balcony with Carlisle beside them, I remembered where we left off.

"Carlisle swam to France, and continued on through Europe, to the universities there. By night he studied music, science, medicine - and found his calling, his penance, in that, in saving human lives." Whenever I thought of Carlisle's sincerity, his passion for doing good, his ability to overcome every instinct that we have to retain his humanity, I always felt my respect for him grow. "I can't adequately describe the struggle; it took Carlisle two centuries of torturous effort to perfect his self-control. Now he is all but immune to the scent of human blood, and he is able to do the work he loves without agony. He finds a great deal of peace there, at the hospital…" I remembered his memories with a new outlook. My own struggle with Bella, as hard as she was to resist she was perfectly whole and not even tempted me with a pin prick of blood. Yet, what Carlisle endured for centuries was truly remarkable. The surgeries, the bleeding people that he worked over, that he endured a painful burning torture just so that they could live. His self control staggered me. And never once did he falter. No one ever died because Carlisle became a vampire. He only brought life.

Bella shuffled next to me, pulling me back to the story that she was waiting to hear. I looked at the painting again and pointing at the figures in it. "He was studying in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers."

Looking closely at the figures I pointed out, Bella laughed quietly, recognition in her eyes as she stared at Carlisle in the painting.

"Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods," I chuckled at the absurd way humans viewed us, and pointed out the three other men in the painting. "Aro, Marcus, Caius, nighttime patrons of the arts."

"What happened to them?" Bella's voice was full of wonder as she pointed at the figures. Her finger was very close to the painting but she seemed almost afraid of touching it.

"They're still there." I shrugged. "As they have been for who knows how many millennia. Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to 'his normal food source,' as they called it. They tried to persuade him, and he tried to persuade them, to no avail. At that point, Carlisle decided to try the New World. He dreamed of finding others like himself. He was very lonely, you see.

"He didn't find anyone for a long time. But, as monsters became the stuff of fairy tales, he found he could interact with unsuspecting humans as if he were one of them. He began practicing medicine. But the companionship he craved evaded him; he couldn't risk familiarity.

"When the influenza epidemic hit, he was working nights in a hospital in Chicago. He'd been turning over an idea in his mind for several years, and he had almost decided to act - since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one. He wasn't absolutely sure how his own transformation had occurred, so he was hesitant. And he was loath to steal anyone's life the way his had been stolen. It was in that frame of mind that he found me. There was no hope for me; I was left in a ward with the dying. He had nursed my parents, and knew I was alone. He decided to try…" My voice had grown to a whisper, and suddenly, I couldn't say more. The memory Carlisle had of my mother, begging him to save me, as if she knew what he was. Her eyes fierce with intensity while she spoke to him right before the fever took her life. I wondered if she knew what I would really become or if she thought Carlisle was something else. Would she have asked him to save me if she knew the truth? If she knew that by saving my life, I would lose my soul and humanity?

I shook the memories away, there was no need to think of them. I've never blamed Carlisle or my mother, they both made their choices with good intentions and wanted the best for me.

I turned back to Bella and smiled. "And so we've come full circle."

"Have you always stayed with Carlisle, then?" She asked, always so curious.

"Almost always." I put my hand around her waist and pulled her through the door with me. Her eyes were still full of questions as she looked back over her shoulder to Carlisle's office, and we walked up the hallway again in silence.

"Almost?" she asked.

Of course she wouldn't be able to let it go. I sighed. I didn't want to explain why I'd left Carlisle, but she needed to know. I wouldn't allow her to be with me, to love me, under any false assumption of my goodness. A delusion that I wasn't able to cure her from. Maybe this would finally convince her.

"Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence - about ten years after I was… born… created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time." I made it sound so normal. _Typical? Resented? _My own thoughts loathed myself for trying to make the worst part of my life sound acceptable.

We started walking up the next flight of stairs and she turned her head looking closely at me for a moment. Apparently what I'd said had just sunk in.

"Really?" Her voice showed no sign of fear in it at all. I looked at her for a moment to be sure she wasn't just trying to hide another emotion. She only seemed intrigued.

"That doesn't repulse you?'

"No."

"Why not?" I never would be able to understand her backward reactions. I hadn't wanted to scare her too much but perhaps I should have explained just what I'd meant?

"I guess…" she paused, thinking through her answer. "It sounds reasonable."

_Reasonable? _I threw my head back and laughed.

It was so utterly absurd of her to think so. Most normal humans would see that part of my life as monstrous, a defection to any shred of humanity that I'd retained, but Bella thought it was _reasonable. _

We'd reached the top of the stairs and I grew serious again. Clearly there was something wrong with her brain, and I was glad of it. Glad for whatever it was inside of her that could accept me so well because it was good for me. _Selfish, _I thought, and shook my head. _It's not good for her. _She should understand more of that time in my life. Why she shouldn't think of it as a reasonable thing - to be a murderer.

"From the time of my new birth," I murmured, not particularly wanting to reveal these things about myself. "I had the advantage of knowing what everyone around me was thinking, both human and non-human alike. That's why it took me ten years to defy Carlisle - I could read his perfect sincerity, understanding exactly why he lived the way he did." If I couldn't read his mind I _would_ have left right away and I knew this was just more evidence that I am the monster that Bella doesn't realize yet.

"It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision. I thought I would be exempt from the…depression…that accompanies a conscience. Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil. If I followed a murderer down a dark alley where he stalked a young girl - if I saved her, then surely I wasn't so terrible."

Bella shivered slightly and I wondered if she was remembering the night in Port Angeles when she was so close to being attacked. If she was remembering how I'd been so angry that I nearly lost control. I remembered that feeling too clearly, and hated that part of myself. Letting myself be so consumed by their evil minds that I could actually enjoy their suffering. There really was no humor in that, and it certainly wasn't reasonable.

I shook my head sadly. I wanted, needed to explain the whole truth about the darkest time in my life. "But as time went on, I began to see the monster in my eyes. I couldn't escape the debt of so much human life taken, no matter how justified. And I went back to Carlisle and Esme. They welcomed me back like the prodigal. It was more than I deserved." I have been granted so many things and all of them were completely undeserved. Their grace has always been too much for me, but I would never stop trying to deserve their love… or Bella's.

We reached the end of the hallway on the top floor and stood in front of the door to my room. I felt suddenly bashful as I opened the door and pulled her inside.

"My room," I was unable to say anything else at the moment.

It seemed unreasonable that after everything I've told Bella about myself, the very worst things that I've done or wanted to do, that I should feel hesitant for her to know me even more. To see my room, clearly revealing my interests to her in each book title and in the shelves of records and CD's.

Bella wandered through the room, taking even the smallest detail in. She looked from the sound system to the curtained wall and down to the carpet. With her sharp eye and careful examination, I was sure that there was nothing that would escape her notice.

"Good acoustics?" she guessed right.

I nodded to her, chuckling at how observant she always was. I picked up the remote and turned on the soft jazz that I'd been listening to, so she could experience it for herself.

She walked to the shelves of music. The look in her eyes was that of a collector minutely looking at each figurine at a flee market. She examined every detail of my room, and of my life, I realized then, with such concentration, always hungry for more.

"How do you have these organized?" she asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"Ummm, by year, and then by personal preference within that frame."

I stared at her as she ran a finger across the CD titles. I was unable to identify the emotion I was feeling. She knew everything about me. I actually had no secrets from her at all anymore. Carlisle and Esme's acceptance, their love, was hard to understand, but for Bella to know everything about me, so human, so fragile, and accepting me in spite of everything was.… unbelievable.

She turned to meet my gaze. "What?"

"I was prepared to feel…relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn't expect to feel more than that. I _like _it. It makes me… happy." I shrugged and smiled feeling oddly bashful after this revelation.

"I'm glad." Her smile was sincere, but she could, of course, run screaming at something else. It did seem less likely though. How did that happen?

My smile faded though when I realized that our time together was still numbered. I wouldn't delude myself about that. She would change, grow beyond me eventually. She would run for a different reason.

"You're still waiting for the running and the screaming, aren't you?" she guessed, observing my expression closely.

I barely smiled and nodded slightly.

"I hate to burst your bubble," she flipped her hair behind her shoulder, "but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually."

She was such a bad liar.

The kitten was obviously putting on a brave face in front of the lion. I grinned widely at her when I decided what I was going to do. "You _really _shouldn't have said that," I chuckled, and shifting suddenly into a half-crouch, I growled deeply and bared my teeth.

Bella backed away, glaring at me. "You wouldn't," she gasped.

Yes, I would.

I pounced on her, trapping her safely in my arms. Spinning us around in mid-air, my back hit the couch. It banged against the wall when we landed. Bella was gasping as she tried to squirm out of my arms.

She was hardly jostled and letting her escape was just not acceptable. I curled her up into a ball and hugged her closely. Much to my amusement, she was glaring fiercely at me with that same kittenish fury.

"You were saying?" I growled playfully again.

"That you are a very, very terrifying monster." Her tone was a sad attempt at sarcasm, but I'd at least made my point.

"Much better," I said.

"Um." She struggled in my arms. "Can I get up now?"

I just laughed, this was too much fun to let her go. I heard Alice and Jasper outside of the door now and I wanted to keep holding her even more because they would see us. The entire would could see me hugging Bella and it would feel absolutely perfect.

"Can we come in?" Alice called from the hallway.

Bella tried to wiggle free. I ignored her attempt and readjusted her so she wasn't facing me anymore, but still kept her on my lap.

"Go ahead." I chuckled while Bella blushed deeply.

When they opened the door, shock crossed Jaspers face. _Wow. Unexpected. _Jasper looked at me closely, sensing my emotions and relaxed after the first surprise of seeing Bella sitting unafraid and annoyed on my lap.

Alice was never surprised at anything of course, and danced into the room, sitting in front of us on the floor. "It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," she announced.

I grinned at the way Bella stiffened in my arms for an instant. Yes, teaching her a lesson was a good idea. That was a healthy response.

"Sorry, I don't believe I have enough to spare," I held her closer, still ecstatic that she accepted everything about me.

"Actually," Jasper said, smiling at the irony he felt when he saw Bella's closeness and sensed my emotions. "Alice says there's going to be a real storm tonight, and Emmett wants to play ball. Are you game?"

I was even more excited now. I was always ready for baseball because it was one of the only games they'd let me play with them, thinking I couldn't "cheat" as easily by reading their minds. Bella could come and watch, experience even more of my life. I wondered then if it would be a good idea to bring her. If it would be safe.

"Of course you should bring Bella," Alice said recognizing my hesitancy and seeing visions of the future shift as my indecision did. _Our visitors won't be close enough yet to be a problem, don't worry about it._

Jasper glanced quickly at Alice, his thoughts had been in line with my own, but was assured by the confidence he felt from her.

"Do you want to go?" I asked Bella hopefully, excited at the idea of having her there.

"Sure." She looked doubtful. "Um, where are we going?"

"We have to wait for thunder to play ball - you'll see why," I promised.

"Will I need an umbrella?"

The three of us laughed. It was such a human question. We never worried about the rain when we played.

"Will she?" Jasper asked Alice.

"No. The storm will hit over town. It should be dry enough in the clearing." Alice was picturing the vision again, and I was glad to see that even the ground would be quite dry. Bella would like that.

"Good, then." Jasper's enthusiasm spread through the room as his moods often did and Bella relaxed into me, looking more eager rather than nervous as she had before.

"Let's go see if Carlisle will come." Alice bounced up, reaching to her cell phone as she took Jaspers hand.

"Like you don't know," Jasper teased her and they swiftly left the room, closing the door.

"What will we be playing?" Bella demanded. Clearly she thought we wouldn't do something so normal.

"_You_ will be watching," I clarified. "We will be playing baseball."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Vampires like baseball?"

_Why not? _I feigned shock. "It's the American pastime."


	8. The Game 19

Disclaimer - Stephanie Meyer owns this and alas I am not associated with her or get any financial benefit from any of this.

Two things -- THIS is the LAST time Edward gets to be "Young and in love" because after this chapter the joy that he felt is over… enter the angst. Second thing is that Emmett always cracks me up (my husband doesn't know why, but perhaps it's how completely opposite he is in ways from Edward.)

Oh, and a third thing was that this was stinking hard to write! I hope you all appreciate it. It was also really fun to write too. What would Edward pay attention to in the game? Bella didn't hardly know what she was looking at, but from Edward's point of view I had to make sure that I understood some strategy and other things to make it all work. And of course, with everything else I've kept all the original dialog and even actions as they are in Twilight, but just made them all come from Edward. Very difficult, but also much more accurate to what "Midnight Sun" *would* have been if Stephanie had of finished this herself.

**The Game -19**

We spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon listening to music in my room. Bella wanted to hear my favorite song from each decade of my life. I was pleased that she could appreciate the songs that I enjoyed. I also let her hear my _least _favorite from each decade, well, the least favorite of what I owned. Her expressions of distaste always made me laugh.

Later in the afternoon I led Bella around the outside of the house so that she could see the river, and far too soon it was time for me to take Bella home again.

I thought it would be impossible to live through a better day than yesterday when I took her to the meadow, but today, though impossible for me to believe, actually had been better. It felt… normal to be with her.

The rain began as I drove Bella's truck toward her house. Holding her hand in my own, I thought that nothing could dampen my good mood.

And then I heard it.

_I can't believe we're here. Bella's going to hate me. Stupid… superstitious old man… Not that I thought I had a chance with her before, but this sure won't help. …She probably won't even want to be friends now…_

When I turned into the driveway to Bella's house I felt her stiffen as she saw the black Ford car, and I was immediately furious. Jacob Black stood behind Billy's wheel chair, pulling him farther back under the porch.

Billy's face was ridged as he glared at me. _Confirmed. He's with her again… Charlie needs to know what's going on._

_ "_Who the hell does he think he is?" I muttered too low for Bella to hear. _I haven't done anything wrong, _I thought angrily._ What, are we not allowed to interact with humans at all? We stay off their land. They leave us alone. _

"This is crossing the line," I said just loud enough for Bella to hear. I was still furious, but tried to control my voice. I didn't want to upset Bella.

"He came to warn Charlie?" she gasped, sounding horrified.

I nodded to her and glared at Billy. His thoughts were incoherent half insults and challenges. I wondered for a moment what would be the best way to handle this situation, but I felt Bella relax beside me and I hoped she would be all right if I left.

"Let me deal with this," she suggested.

"That's probably best," I knew I wasn't calm enough right now to handle the situation well, and it wasn't good for me to be near them regardless. "Be careful, though. The child has no idea."

She stiffened suddenly. "Jacob is not that much younger than I am."

I looked at her then, feeling my own anger fade as it always did when she was angry. "Oh, I know," I said, grinning at her fluffy fury.

Bella sighed and put her hand on the door handle.

"Get them inside, so I can leave. I'll be back around dusk."

"Do you want my truck?"

Right. I rolled my eyes at her. "I could _walk_ home faster than this truck moves."

"You don't have to leave," she said wistfully.

I looked closely at her expression and smiled. She was sad to be away from me. I didn't want her to feel bad, but at the same time it pleased me that she wanted to be with me so much. "Actually, I do. After you get rid of them" -I threw a dark glance toward the porch- "you still have to prepare Charlie to meet your new boyfriend." I grinned widely, showing all of my teeth, and childishly wished that my smile would scare them, as much as it always reassured Bella.

She groaned. "Thanks a lot."

I knew Bella wasn't looking forward to telling her father about me and I wished I could stay with her, or at least be close by, or even just understand why the idea of introducing us was so upsetting to her. "I'll be back soon," I promised her as well as reassuring myself.

I hated having to leave her like this. To face the unjust scrutiny that was sure to come. I suddenly felt defiant. Perhaps it was immature, but I wanted to annoy them. It wasn't their business anyway. Flickering a glance their direction, I leaned over to Bella and quickly kissed her just under her jaw on her neck.

_No! It's not right! _

_Get a grip old man. _Jacob eyed his father as Billy gripped his wheelchair and jerked forward. _People kiss all the time. Why do I have to be here? This is so embarrassing. …She's going to hate me._

I watched Bella get out of the truck. "Soon," she whispered, and jogged to the porch, ducking through the rain.

_ She must know what he is… Charlie should know… How could she? What if he…_

"Hey, Billy. Hi, Jacob." Her voice sounded cheerful enough. I hoped it wouldn't be too hard for her to diffuse the situation. "Charlie's gone for the day - I hope you haven't been waiting long."

"Not long," Billy's voice sounded subdued, but his thoughts certainly weren't. "I just wanted to bring this up." He pointed at the brown paper bag he held.

_Right, great excuse, _I thought as I took in his expression. He was eyeing her as if she might transform into a vampire right in front of him. And his thoughts weren't far from believing that possibility. It was all I could do to keep myself from jumping out of the truck and carrying Bella away from his scrutiny forever. _Self-righteous, interfering_… but… I shouldn't interfere. It would only make her life harder.

"Why don't you come in for a minute and dry off?" Bella unlocked the door and gestured for them to go inside. "Here, let me take that," she said, reaching for the paper bag. She turned, our eyes met for an instant, and she closed the door.

Free from their scrutiny, I jumped out of the truck and raced to the woods toward home. I felt angry the entire run, and tried to reason with myself.

It's understandable that Billy Black would be concerned, right? Charlie was his friend after all. I wanted to protect Bella even more than Billy did. We had the same concerns in that way.

Then _why_ was he so irritating? We've never come close to breaking the treaty in all these decades, yet they don't trust us. Of course they don't. They have normal reactions to what we are.

But, Bella _is _safe with me. I've proven that again and again to myself. Even when I thought that anything between us would be impossible. I _would _take myself out of her life before letting any part of my world hurt her.

Suddenly, I realized why their interference was bothering me so much. I stopped running and stood ridged at the edge of the lawn to our house.

I didn't think there was anything that he could say to Bella that would change her mind about me, but it still felt like it could shorten the time I had with her. Nothing I've told her made her run screaming, but eventually something would change. He _could _say something that would bother her, and regardless, she would change eventually. I only had a short time with her. I didn't want anything to come between us, not yet. This time, right now, is all I can expect to have with Bella.

Anxiety crashed over me and I knew I had to get back to her. Just as suddenly as I'd stopped, I started running again, straight to where I heard Emmett.

"Hey, can I borrow your jeep?"

"What for?" He was distracted, having a little too much fun forming lumber with his bare hand for Esme's next remodeling project. "Hey, you mind tossing that tree over here?" Emmett gestured to the doubled topped pine tree that was next to me.

I nodded to him and pulled the small fifty foot tree out of the ground. The roots were weak, and it had a familiar blue ribbon tied to it that Esme used to mark the diseased or unhealthy trees that needed to be taken out and used for other purposes.

Caber-tossing the pine to Emmett, he leapt up to meet it in the air and ran his hands along the trunk removing each branch as it came closer to the ground. In a few seconds, the naked tree lay at his feet, ready to be formed into more two by fours.

"I didn't think Bella would want to run the whole way to the clearing."

"Yeah, sure." He nodded, dropping the two by four on the other boards and brushing some saw-dust onto his jeans. _Do me a favor? _He thought pointedly as I reached for the keys in his pocket.

I nodded to him.

_Keep Bella away from Rosalie for a while. It'll make my life easier._

"No problem." He threw me his keys as I ran to the garage.

I listened for Rosalie's thoughts as I drove away and was glad that she mainly was just determined on ignoring me. I could live with that. Anyway, I didn't need to worry about one more thing.

Thankfully, the Blacks were gone by the time I parked near Bella's house and Charlie was just walking through the door, so I wouldn't have to wait too long before seeing her again. I was grateful for the chance to at least see her through Charlie's mind.

_"I put it out in the freezer." _Charlie was looking at his hands covered in soap as he washed them in the sink.

_"I'll go grab a few pieces before they freeze - Billy dropped off some of Harry Clearwater's fish fry this afternoon." _

Ah, the contents of the paper bag.

_"He did? That's my favorite." _

Apparently, that was a good enough reason for someone to stop by without notice. I was glad he didn't have any other questions about why Billy had come. When he left Bella to go up stairs and clean up, I stopped paying attention to his mind and concentrated on the sounds Bella was making in the kitchen as she cooked.

Soon they were at the table eating dinner. Charlie was enjoying his food in silence, but he noticed that Bella seemed uncomfortable.

_"What did you do with yourself today?"_

_ "Well, this afternoon I just hung out around the house… And this morning I was over at the Cullens'."_

Charlie's fork dropped with a clang, shock echoing through his mind.

_"Dr. Cullen's place?" _

_ "Yeah."_

_ "What were you doing there?"_

Here it comes.

_ "Well, I sort of have a date with Edward Cullen tonight, and he wanted to introduce me to his parents…"_

Charlie's mind was full of protection and shock, pictures of Emmett flashing through his mind.

_"Dad, are you all right?"_

_ "You are going out with Edward Cullen?" _He yelled, and Bella flinched.

_"I thought you liked the Cullens."_

_ "He's too old for you!"_

Well, that was true, but not in the way that he thought.

_"We're both juniors," _Bella said evenly.

_"Wait…" _Charlie pictured Emmett again and Jasper and me. _"Which one is Edwin?"_

"Edward _is the youngest, the one with the reddish brown hair."_

_ "Oh, well, that's" -_ he struggled to calm himself- _"better, I guess. I don't like the look of that big one. I'm sure he's a nice boy and all, but he looks too…mature for you. Is this Edwin your boyfriend?"_

_ "It's Edward, Dad."_

_ "Is he?"_

_ "Sort of, I guess." _Charlie noticed Bella's face flush.

_"You said last night that you weren't interested in any of the boys in town." _Charlie began eating again and his thoughts were still wary but more accepting.

"_Well, Edward doesn't live in town, Dad."_

He looked at Bella and I could hear the silent sarcasm in his mind.

_"And, anyways, it's kind of at an early stage, you know. Don't embarrass me with all the boyfriend talk, okay?"_

_ "When is he coming over?"_

_ "He'll be here in a few minutes."_

_ "Where is he taking you?" _His thoughts were mainly concern for her safety.

Bella groaned. _"I hope you're getting the Spanish Inquisition out of your system now. We're going to play baseball with his family."_

This was the cue I was waiting for and I started the jeep. I continued to listen to their conversation as I drove around the block to their driveway.

Charlie tried not to laugh as he pictured Bella when she was a little girl hating anything to do with the outdoors or sports. "You're _playing baseball?" _Images of her tripping also passed through his mind.

_"Well, I'll probably watch most of the time."_

His humor quickly turned to suspicion. _"You must really like this guy."_

Charlie watched Bella closely as she rolled her eyes. He wasn't entirely convinced, but let it pass.

I parked in front of the house.

Charlie watched Bella jump up from the table and hurriedly put the dishes in the sink to wash them.

_"Leave the dishes, I can do them tonight. You baby me too much." _

As protective and apprehensive as he felt, even more than that, he wanted Bella to be happy. I recognized in his veiled mind those same feelings that I'd had this afternoon of wanting to cherish the short time that he had with her.

I was on the porch then and rang the door bell. I heard Charlie's loud footsteps clumping to the door.

"Come on in, Edward," he said, opening the door.

Saying my name correctly was a good sign. I smiled.

Bella was right behind him and relief spread across her face when she saw me. I felt the same way.

"Thanks, Chief Swan."

"Go ahead and call me Charlie. Here, I'll take your jacket."

"Thanks, sir."

"Have a seat there, Edward," he said the words casually, but there was a challenge in his thoughts. He was testing me. I chose to sit in the only chair by myself, leaving Bella to sit by her Dad on the couch. She gave me a dirty look and I winked at her when Charlie's back was turned.

Once they were seated, Charlie eyed me suspiciously, but his thoughts were somewhat approving. I'd passed the chair test.

"So I hear you're getting my girl to watch baseball."

"Yes, sir, that's the plan." Charlie's suspicion dissipated as he believed my words.

"Well, more power to you, I guess." Charlie laughed and I couldn't help laughing with him. It was a good feeling to have him approve of me

"Okay," Bella said, standing up. "Enough humor at my expense. Let's go." She walked to the hallway and threw on her jacket.

"Not too late, Bell." Her father was anxious again.

"Don't worry, Charlie, I'll have her home early."

"You take care of my girl, all right?"

Bella groaned, but the strength of Charlie's mental concern and love for her crashed over me again as it so often did. I wanted to reassure him.

"She'll be safe with me, I promise, sir."

He smiled, relieved at my tone. I realized that Charlie saw her fragility almost as much as I did, and when Bella stalked out of the house, both he and I laughed at her irritation. Harmless, endearing…

Bella jerked to a stop, still on the porch, and her mouth fell open as she took in Emmett's huge jeep.

Charlie let out an impressed whistle.

He was stunned, and only managed to choke out, "Wear your seat belts."

I followed Bella around to the passenger side of the jeep to help her up and opened the door. The pucker between her eyebrows appeared and I wondered if she was afraid of riding in it, until I saw that she was about to jump for it. I sighed, wishing she would just ask for my help. I easily lifted her with one hand up to the seat.

I had to walk slowly around the jeep because Charlie was still on the porch watching us through the heavy down-pour. By the time I was at the drivers side, Bella had the seat belts tangled up.

"What's all this?"

"It's an off-roading harness."

"Uh-oh." She looked concerned and continued to tangle the buckles up as she tried to find the right places for each to fit.

I let her fumble for a second, hoping she'd just ask for my help. When she didn't, I sighed again and reached over to help her anyway. I took more time than I needed to buckle them, enjoying the curve of her neck and the shape of her collarbone. The time we were apart had been relatively short, but it felt far too long.

It wasn't till after I'd started the jeep and pulled away from the house that Bella said anything more.

"This is a…um…_big _Jeep you have."

"It's Emmett's. I didn't think you'd want to run the whole way."

"Where do you keep this thing?"

"We remodeled one of the outbuildings into a garage."

"Aren't you going to put on your seat belt?"

I looked at her, unable to believe that she could ask that after all she knew. The jeep was in far more danger of my body hurting _it_, rather than anything it could do to me. Besides, it's not like I'd crash it into anything to begin with.

Suddenly, her eyes were huge. "Run the _whole _way?" Her voice growing higher as she started to panic. "As in, we're still going to run part of the way?"

I grinned. "You're not going to run."

_"I'm _going to be sick."

"Keep your eyes closed, you'll be fine."

She bit her lip, anxiety and panic clouding her face.

I leaned over to her, hoping to calm her down, and kissed the top of her head. I groaned and I leaned away, her wet hair smelled intoxicating, delicious, desirable. My throat burned more strongly.

She looked at me questioningly.

"You smell so good in the rain," I explained.

"In a good way, or in a bad way?" she asked cautiously.

I sighed. "Both, always both."

Bella was quiet as I turned onto the path leading up the mountain. It was always fun driving Emmett's jeep. It could drive practically over anything, which was good in this case because most people wouldn't consider this path a road. Bella bounced up and down in her seat, still looking nervous. I however, felt ecstatic to have her with me and couldn't stop smiling for the entire trip.

The rain was slowly dissipating as we got closer to our final destination and soon we couldn't drive any farther.

"Sorry, Bella, we have to go on foot from here."

"You know what?" she said quickly. "I'll just wait here."

"What happened to all your courage? You were extraordinary this morning."

"I haven't forgotten the last time yet."

She looked like she wanted to glue herself to the seat, so I raced around to her side and started unbuckling her.

"I'll get those," she tried to push my hands away, "you go on ahead."

"Hmmm…," This was going to be a bit harder than I thought. I quickly finished unbuckling her and said, "It seems I'm going to have to tamper with your memory." I pulled her out of the jeep and lightly set her down. For her sake I was very glad that it was barely misting now.

"Tamper with my memory?" she asked nervously.

"Something like that." I was amused at her response. As if I really might be able to manipulate someone's memory. No, there was a better way that I had in mind. I placed my hands against the jeep on either side of her head. She pressed her back into the vehicle as I leaned closer, my face only inches from hers.

I whispered, "Now, what exactly are you worrying about?"

She looked a little disoriented. "Well, um, hitting a tree-" she gulped "-and dying. And then getting sick."

I tried not to smile at her convoluted answer and just leaned down to kiss the soft hollow at the base of her throat. "Are you still worried now?" I murmured against her skin.

"Yes." She struggled to say, "About hitting trees and getting sick."

I brushed my nose up her neck to the point of her chin, breathing in her heavenly scent. "And now?" I whispered against her jaw.

"Trees," she gasped. "Motion sickness."

I drew my face up to kiss her eye lids. "Bella, you don't really think I would hit a tree, do you?"

"No, but _I _might." Her voice sounded less sure and I could see this type of mental tampering was working quite well. I was enjoying it too.

I kissed slowly down her cheek to the corner of her mouth. It felt as if that electric current between us would leave a trail under my lips. "Would I let a tree hurt you?" I said, brushing my lips against her trembling lower lip.

"No," she breathed, relaxing slightly.

"You see," I said as I brushed my lips against hers. "There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"

"No," she sighed, her sweet breath washed over my face, and she seemed to give up any further argument.

Her surrender was too much to resist.

I took her face in my hands less gently than I should, and kissed her with more force than I'd allowed before. I felt more human in that one moment than I could have dreamed. The hum of electricity between us pulsed through her lips into my own. She threw her arms around my neck and pressed herself against the length of my body, kissing back fiercely. Every hair follicle on the back of my head that her fingers brushed against felt separately drawn to her warmth, as if magnetized to the iron in her blood. When she pressed her soft frame against me, the pulsing electricity from our lips moved deeply into my chest as if my heart had been shocked to life and beat again. The throbbing spread down my leg to my toes, and I desperately wanted to hold her tighter. Her lips parted against mine and she sighed. Inhaling her breath, I could taste her sweetness.

I almost lost control of my mind, but not in the way that I had before. I didn't feel the venom pool in my mouth as I had when I first kissed her and the need to crush her bones as I drank her blood. No, in this moment I almost lost control because I wanted her so badly. In that moment, I wanted to love her with all of my strength… which is just another way for her to die.

I barely managed to push her back and stumble away from her. "Damn it, Bella!" I was gasping for the air that I didn't need. "You'll be the death of me, I swear you will."

She leaned over, her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. "You're indestructible," she mumbled.

"I might have believed that before I met _you._ Now let's get out of here before I do something really stupid," I growled. Forcing myself to concentrate with more effort than usual to be gentle, I threw her across my back.

"Don't forget to close your eyes." Because I was angry at myself, my voice was too harsh.

Bella wrapped her limbs around me tightly and pressing her face against my back, I began to run.

Frustrated at my own weakness, I berated myself as the cool air cleared my head. I was stronger than I'd been a few days ago, but still far, far too weak. If I ever, in any way, was the cause of hurting her, I knew I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Or more accurately I would have to find a way to put an end to my existence because I wouldn't live without her. I could never let myself get that close to losing control again. I would need to draw some very careful lines in our physical relationship if I wanted her to stay whole. This was so much more complicated than I'd first thought, and my first thought had been that our relationship would be impossible. I knew now that what we had wasn't impossible, it was merely insane in every visible angle imaginable. But if I could grow accustomed to her scent so well, desensitize my desire for her blood perhaps I could desensitize myself to her physical touch and my need for her? More insanity. How could any man, let alone one who was vampire and a 108 year old virgin expect to NOT want to hold the only woman he'd ever loved more tightly. Desensitizing seemed ridiculous in this sense, but perhaps, if I drew those careful lines and just made sure I never crossed them, I could keep the control that we both needed to survive.

The only problem of course was not being able to anticipate Bella's reactions. Her responses to me where so completely wonderful and desirable and terrifyingly irresistible all at once. I began to make a mental list of do's and don'ts for when I showed affection for her, and mentally tried to prepare myself for her possible responses.

The cool air and mossy smell of the forest helped to distract me from the desirable beauty clinging to my back while my mental organization also helped to calm me down.

I stopped running a little ways from the clearing, still in the forest, so that Bella could compose herself before seeing my family again. Reaching back to touch her hair, I said, "It's over Bella."

She let go of me, slipping to the ground. She landed and gasped. "Oh!" She said, and I turned in time to see her laying on her back with her arms and legs still out in front of her for a second.

I stared at her for a moment, unable to believe that she would be sick again. She couldn't have felt the movement, and she had closed her eyes, but she looked so confused. As if she simply had forgotten to put her legs down to stand up. I realized suddenly that that's what had happened. It was impossible to keep the howls of laughter from coming. Her expression was priceless and beyond endearing.

She scrambled up and brushed the mud and leaves from the back of her jacket. I shouldn't have, but that only made me laugh harder.

Bella looked annoyed and stomped off into the forest, tripping over the dead branches. I stopped laughing and caught her around the waist.

"Where are you going, Bella?"

"To watch a baseball game. You don't seem to be interested in playing anymore, but I'm sure the others will have fun without you."

"You're going the wrong way."

She turned around without a look at me and stomped off in the opposite direction. I caught her again.

"Don't be mad, I couldn't help myself. You should have seen your face." I chuckled before I could stop myself.

"Oh, you're the only one who's allowed to get made?" She raised an accusing eyebrow and I realized what she was referring to.

"I wasn't mad at you," I said quietly.

"'Bella, you'll be the death of me'?" she quoted scowling at the ground.

"_That_ was simply a statement of fact." I wondered why this was so hard for her to understand, and how I could explain it better?

She tried to turn away from me again, but I wouldn't let her leave.

"You were mad," she insisted.

"Yes."

"But you just said -"

"That I wasn't mad at _you._ Can't you see that, Bella?" I was desperate to make her realize this. "Don't you understand?"

"See what?" She was obviously confused, and I wondered if she had always thought I was mad at her all those times when I was only frustrated at myself.

"I'm never angry with you - how could I be? Brave, trusting…warm as you are." How could she have ever blamed herself?

"Then why?" she whispered. The hurt in her eyes was unbearable.

I carefully put my hands on either side of her face. "I infuriate myself," I said gently. "The way I can't seem to keep from putting you in danger. My very existence puts you at risk. Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to.."

She put her hand over my mouth. "Don't," she said in a shaky voice.

I moved her hand to the side of my face, and said the only explanation that I new she would accept, "I love you."

Her eyes softened and her hand grew warmer against my face as she blushed.

"It's a poor excuse for what I'm doing, but it's still true. Now, please try to behave yourself." I wanted to try kissing her again and do it properly; without any near death experience.

Bella didn't move while I softly brushed my lips against hers.

After a few minutes that weren't long enough, she sighed. "You promised Chief Swan that you would have me home early, remember? We'd better get going."

"Yes, ma'am."

I smiled wistfully, never feeling like I could get enough of her embrace. I released her and took her hand in mine, leading her through the last of the forest and to the edge of the clearing.

Carlisle was marking bases, Jasper and Alice were warming up, and Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie were the closest to us, about a hundred yards away sitting on some rocks.

_Great. They're here. _Rosalie thought sarcastically._ And I'm gone. _ She stood up and walked away from us into the field.

Emmett stared after her. _I wonder how mad she'll be tonight… oh well. _He stood up coming after Esme toward us.

As Esme came towards us, full of smiles and gushing thoughts of welcome that she tried to hide so she wouldn't overwhelm Bella she said, "Was that you we heard, Edward?"

"It sounded like a bear chocking," Emmett clarified.

Bella smiled shyly at them. "That was him."

"Bella was being unintentionally funny," I explained glaring at Emmett as his mind filled with humor and more ways to tease me for the next decade.

_I would have liked to see that. _Emmett smirked and looked at Bella as if he hoped to see her do some funny human thing.

I rolled my eyes at him and then turned to see Alice running toward us.

She was remembering the vision of the storm and it was starting to sync with the clouds and light around us. She stopped suddenly and announced, "It's time." Immediately a rumble of thunder echoed through the mountains.

Emmett turned to Bella. "Eerie, isn't it?" He winked.

"Let's go." Alice said, and taking Emmett's hand, they ran to the field.

I turned excitedly to Bella. "Are you ready for some ball?"

"Go team!" she said, obviously making an effort to sound enthusiastic.

Chuckling, I ruffled her hair before taking off to join the others.

I was even more eager then the rest of them. We didn't have many chances to play and this time I was more excited than any other. There was something so satisfying in having an even number of people. I'd been the odd man out for so long, and didn't realize till now just how much I'd been missing. I wanted to be watching Bella's expressions through Esme's mind as she saw us play, but, I'll admit, I felt like showing off even more.

We split the teams up. Alice would be pitching for us. Carlisle and I ended up on the same team as Alice. I was in the outfield as usual and Carlisle covered the bases. Emmett was first up to bat. Jasper was catching for now.

Esme and Bella had made it to the edge of the field. "All right," Esme called, "Batter up."

_He won't see this one coming._

Alice released the ball like a bullet from a gun and it smacked into Jasper's bare hand. _Strike one. _She grinned briefly before masking her expression again.

Emmett was ready for the next pitch. He never did anything half way, and always hit as hard as he could. He grinned. _Eat this, bro. _And the bat crashed into the ball.

But I started running even before he'd made contact. As I ran I could see the trajectory of the ball through Alice's and Emmett's minds especially and was already in the woods, snagging it before it hit the ground.

Esme heard me catch it of course and cried "Out!" before I got back to the field, grinning at Bella, though I doubted that she could see well from this distance.

_I've never seen Edward smile so much._

_ Hilariously idiotic, man. _Jasper was truly enjoying my good humor right now after the days and years of my moodiness.

Next up was Jasper and he absorbed my excitement to supposedly further his batting strategy. He hit a ground ball toward Carlisle and they raced to first. When they crashed into each other, I saw Bella jump up, her face looked worried. So needlessly concerned, but now she understood another reason why we needed the thunder to play besides to cover for the sound of batting.

"Safe," Esme called.

Rosalie was up then and hit one that managed to get past Carlisle, bouncing once before I snagged it and threw it to third where Carlisle got Jasper out. Rosalie's thoughts were smug as she made it to second.

Emmett was at bat again.

_Right field, left field, right field…_he was doing the familiar chant in his mind._ Up high, down low, where it stops no one will know._

I rolled my eyes. Emmett was always trying to throw me off so I wouldn't know where he was going to hit the ball. Not that it mattered much. I caught Emmett's long fly for the third out, but Rosalie had made it home while the ball was in the air. They were up by one.

Sprinting up to Bella, I asked, "What do you think?"

"One thing's for sure, I'll never be able to sit through dull old Major League Baseball again."

"And it sounds like you did so much of that before," I laughed.

"I am a little disappointed," Humor sparkled in her eyes.

"Why?" I was puzzled.

"Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn't do better than everyone else on the planet."

I smiled, enjoying her praise.

"I'm up," I said and headed for the plate.

Rosalie was in the outfield. _Just try and get it past me, you jerk._

_ What's it going to be? High? Low? I'm ready for anything. _Emmett knew that if I could hit the ball high enough I could feasibly run around the bases, even though they were of course spread out much more than in normal baseball, and make it home before either of them could catch the ball. I'd done it before, but depending on how ready he was to jump I might not get the chance.

Jasper tried to empty his mind so I wouldn't know when he was going to pitch. Alice was catching now, but couldn't see what Jasper was going to throw because he was trying to keep himself from decided until he threw the ball.

A half second before he pitched, I knew he was going to, and I was ready. I swung the bat as if I were going to hit the ball high.

_It's going up. _Emmett tensed to spring.

At the last second I slowed the speed of the bat and changed the angle, hitting a ground ball. In the split second that it took Emmett to change his posture and snag it, I'd made it to second.

"Hey, what was that?" Emmett asked

"What, was what?"

"You know what." He tossed the ball to Jasper.

Yeah, I did, but I liked teasing him.

_Don't look now, Edward, but Carlisle's going to hit it out of the park. _

Not that it was an advantage to know that, but it was always entertaining to play with Alice.

Carlisle's home run brought us up by two. Alice was waiting at home to slap us high-fives as we came in.

Alice was up at bat next. Jasper was pretty good at keeping himself from making a decision about what kind of pitch he'd make, but Alice always managed to hit anything regardless. Hitting low, she made it to first before Rosalie snagged it.

When I was up I managed to knock a low one past Emmett, but Rosalie made a impressive dive and tossed it to Emmett at third, getting Alice out, before he flicked the ball to Jasper getting me out at second.

"Yeah, now we're warmed up!" Emmett hooted.

"Nice play," Carlisle called, "but you're still going to lose."

"You wish," Rosalie said.

"He's right though," Alice grinned. "You _are_ going to lose. I know these things."

"You don't know that yet!" Jasper teased back. "There are too many variables."

"All right, all right!" Esme said, "Carlisle's up, let's get back into the game."

Carlisle knocked the ball twenty feet above Emmett's head. Emmett sprang for it, making the third out, then went to bat.

The game continued pretty much the same as usual, we took turns taking the lead and razzing each other. At the top of the third the score was 7 to 5 in our favor. Alice was on second, Carlisle was batting and I was catching, when Alice gasped.

My head snapped up and we stared at each other. Her vision was of the three visitors.

They were coming here…. now.

Immediately, I raced to Bella's side.

"Alice?" Esme asked tensely.

"I didn't see - I couldn't tell," she whispered.

Everyone was around us now. "What is it, Alice?" Carlisle asked calmly.

"They were traveling much quicker than I thought. I can see I had the perspective wrong before," she mumbled.

Jasper leaned over her protectively. "What changed?"

"They heard us playing, and it changed their path." _I'm sorry Edward, this is my fault. _She felt responsible, but it wasn't her fault. It was mine for bringing Bella here at all, for not being able to leave her alone to begin with.

Everyone glanced quickly at Bella for an instant.

"How soon?" Carlisle asked, turning to me.

I listened for their minds, gauging how far away they were to how fast they were moving. "Less than five minutes. They're running - they want to play." I scowled.

"Can you make it?" He glanced at Bella.

"No, not carrying -" I couldn't finish the sentence. "Besides, the last thing we need is for them to catch the scent and start hunting."

"How many?" Emmett asked Alice.

"Three."

"Three!" he scoffed. "Let them come." _We can take out three. What's the big deal? _Emmett flexed eagerly.

Carlisle weighed the options for a split second. No one was as eager to fight as Emmett was. "Let's just continue the game," Carlisle decided. "Alice said they were simply curious."

_Edward, _Esme looked at me, _are they thirsty? _

I shook my head. But with the way Bella smells it wouldn't matter, even if they fed recently, they wouldn't be safe around her.

"You catch, Esme," I said. "I'll call it now."

I stood in front of Bella, the others were warily watching the woods as they took their positions again. "Take your hair down," I told her. I didn't want her neck exposed.

She slid the rubber band from her pony-tail and her hair spilled over her shoulders. "The others are coming now," she stated.

"Yes, stay very still, keep quiet, and don't move from my side, please." I tried to hide the stress in my voice, but I wondered if she could hear it all the same. I pulled her hair forward and tucked it around her neck and face.

"That won't help," Alice said softly. "I could smell her across the field."

"I know," I said, frustrated. I had to at least try, there was a small chance.

I barely noticed Carlisle as he stood at the plate. No one was paying much attention to the game now.

"What did Esme ask you?" Bella whispered.

I didn't want to answer her, but I wasn't going to hide it from her either. "Whether they were thirsty," I muttered. Her eyes were wide, but she was quiet and stayed behind me.

I turned my head back toward the field and forest. The game continued, but no one hit harder than a bunt. Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper hovered in the infield. I was grateful for their nearness to protect Bella.

Rosalie was resentful. _Told you so… idiot…she's not worth it._

But I couldn't pay much attention to her, or to Jasper's strategies, or Carlisle's concerns for what could happen, or any of my family's thoughts. My mind was too full of my own fears and guilt.

I kept my mind intent only on the strangers. I scanned the forest trying to anticipate where they would come through the edge of the woods into the clearing. I gauged the distance and the time, and anything I could pick from their brains that would tell me what sort of vampires they were. Their only thoughts were anticipation and a natural wariness, not knowing what to expect from us.

After the few minutes that seemed to stretch for hours, I could see the light from the clearing growing closer through their minds. The shadows of the trees lessened, they slowed their pace as they came close to the edge of the woods.

Before they were in hearing range, I muttered, "I'm sorry, Bella." Knowing it could never be enough, I still had to apologize. "It was stupid, irresponsible, to expose you like this. I'm so sorry."

Suddenly, my breath caught in my throat. I could see my family through their minds. Angling myself in front of Bella, I put myself between her and their approach. Carlisle, Emmett, and the others heard them now and turned as well.

Of everyone around me, Emmett's eager thoughts were the most intense. _Yeah… show time._


	9. The Hunt 20

Disclaimer still applies... I'm sure you've seen it enough to get the point. :]

Here's where I have to acknowledge a brilliant writer "Blondie aka Robin" who wrote a brilliant version of Edwards POV from "New Moon" .. She's a favorite on my profile if you want to read that after this (I really must insist that you do because it is just so wonderful.. and I'm really picky.) ;] Anyway, she had some quotes from Victoria in her work as she has Edward trying to hunt Victoria.. so.. I swiped a few of those lines to make sense in the EPOV cannon Fanfic works that I admire the most.

Now, back to the story, and yes.. everything goes down hill from here on out. ;]

**The Hunt -20**

It was excruciating standing here, waiting for them to approach. Every ounce of my being wanted to take Bella away from here, away from them, of any possible danger. My jaw was clenched tightly and it was a struggle to keep from reaching out to hold onto her. Everything in me wanted to wrap my arms around her, protect her, shelter her from whatever was coming.

But I knew better.

And even if I didn't, Carlisle silently reminded me of the necessity of acting normal. _She needs to blend in...we can't draw attention to her. _

I knew this, and I would play my part. I forced myself to look more at ease than I felt and I focused all of my attention on the thoughts of the strangers.

One by one they stepped into the clearing several meters apart. The first male to emerge from the forest had short light brown hair, and he immediately stepped back, orienting himself behind the other darker-haired male. Their muscles were tense and they walked in a half crouch as they gradually closed rank. The third, a female, had brilliant orange hair filled with leaves and twigs from the forest. Her thoughts were edgy, acutely sensing any possible danger as they approached us.

Carlisle, flanked by Emmett and Jasper, stepped guardedly forward to meet them.

Each of the three strangers took a mental note of Carlisle's tailored appearance and easy, more human manner of walking. They each stood straighter relaxing their tensed muscles, the dark-haired male in the lead smiled easily.

_Males and females evenly balanced, mates no doubt. Perhaps there's some fun in that._

_Look how they stand there, pretending that we are nothing to them… but they have nothing to offer us. Surely none of them could rival James_

_ They're different, gold eyes… how odd… _The leading male's thoughts were mainly curious and as he observed each of us, slightly envious of our clean appearance.

_The tall blond, he is the true fighter. He stands tall, but his eyes and his scars say more than words. He is the dangerous one._

_There certainly are a lot of them, _the female thought, analyzed our strengths, and who the formidable fighters among us would be. She immediately discounted all the women as fighters in her mind, assuming her experience would allow her to best any one of them. Routinely, marking an escape route in her mind, should it be necessary.

Halting their approach several feet from Carlisle, the leader stepped forward, still smiling.

"We thought we heard a game," he said easily, with a slight French accent. "I'm Laurent, these are Victoria and James."

"I'm Carlisle. This is my family, Emmett and Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Alice, Edward and Bella."

"Do you have room for a few more players?" Laurent's thoughts were merely interested in being sociable.

Victoria's thoughts were less trusting, watching each of us closely, but she didn't notice Bella especially, simply considering her the weakest of us all. The slight wind was in our favor at the moment. Blowing Bella's scent away from them. James was surprised and even frustrated, forming half sentences in his mind that I couldn't follow, but there was no indication that they sensed anything wrong.

"Actually," Carlisle said, matching Laurent's friendly tone, "we were just finishing up. But we'd certainly be interested another time. Are you planning to stay in the area for long?"

"We're headed north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighborhood. We haven't run into any company in a long time."

Jasper took in the emotions of the three strangers, sensing Victoria's unease and James' intensity, he emanated a calming atmosphere. Both of their minds were mostly quiet, mainly just taking in the conversation, unsure what to expect. Yet there was a deceptive vicious edge to their thoughts. I got the impression that they only came here because Laurent was curious.

"No, this region is usually empty except for us and the occasional visitor, like yourself." Carlisle smiled genially.

"What's your hunting range?" Laurent inquired casually.

"The Olympic Range here, up and down the Coast Ranges on occasion. We keep a permanent residence nearby. There's another permanent settlement like ours up near Denali."

Laurent rocked back on his heels, surprised.

_ How is that possible? _ _Eight… in one place? _

_ So many of them are here, yet this is hardly a populated area. _

_ "_Permanent? How do you manage that?"

"Why don't you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?" Carlisle invited. "It's a rather long story."

_ A permanent settlement? What kind of vampires are these? _

James and Victoria were shocked when they heard the word "home." They glanced at each other quickly, wondering at our strange coven.

Laurent hid his surprise more easily. "That sounds very interesting, and welcome. We've been on the hunt all the way down from Ontario, and we haven't had the chance to clean up in a while." He looked appreciatively over Carlisle's refined appearance.

Victoria seemed willing to come, though still wary. James didn't seem to care either way, he pictured their hunt from Ontario, slightly bored that it had been so easy to track.

"Please don't take offense, but we'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from hunting in this immediate area." Carlisle explained, "We have to stay inconspicuous, you understand."

"Of course." Laurent nodded, untroubled. "We certainly won't encroach on your territory. We just ate outside of Seattle, anyway," he laughed.

I heard Bella's heart rate speed slightly at his words.

"We'll show you the way if you'd like to run with us - Emmett and Alice, you can go with Edward and Bella to get the Jeep."

As Carlisle spoke the wind changed direction, and Bella's speeding heart pulsed under her skin, emphasizing her desirable scent. I stiffened, clenching my jaw as James whipped his head around, staring right at Bella. His nostrils flared as he smelled her scent. _Delicious, the most luscious I've encountered, almost… _Lurching one step into a crouch, James focused on Bella's pulse at her neck. Ready to attack. At the same instant, I bared my teethe, crouching in defense. An involuntary snarl ripped from my throat. He would _not _touch her.

"What's this?" Laurent exclaimed in surprised.

"She's with us." Carlisle firmly said, glaring at James.

James thought of ways to get around me, moving slightly to one side or the other. I moved at the same time, hearing his thoughts and anticipating.

_ Well this should be interesting. _Victoria thought, _A whole family of vampires protecting one pathetic little human. One of whom seems rather attached to her._

Laurent caught Bella's scent then, as well. "You brought a snack?" He stepped forward, involuntarily drawn to her luscious scent.

I snarled harshly, fiercer, baring my teeth at him. Laurent stepped back in surprise and thought, _Such an overreaction. James will enjoy this one a bit too much. _

"I said she's with us," Carlisle corrected in a hard voice.

"But she's _human,_" Laurent's astonishment was tangible.

"Yes," Emmett said eying James, _Don't worry Edward. If the twerp tries anything I'll take him out._

James slowly straightened up, his eyes never left mine. He was angry, not used to being thwarted. _I can wait, _he thought_. I'll start tracking tonight. He won't be able to protect the human forever. _His anger turned to excitement, his nostrils still wide, taking in her desirable scent. _What a fascinating challenge. We came for one game and found another… even better… I _will_ taste her. But not yet, there are too many players in this game to grow sloppy. She will be worth the wait…_

I was still crouching in front of Bella and suddenly I wished he would try something immediately so that I could kill him. End this now. End him for even thinking of hurting her.

But how could I do that in front of Bella? Dismember a sentient being right in front of her? She would see the monster then and run screaming from me as I always expected her to. How could she ever look at me the same way if she saw that?

No, I would have to take her far away. Keep hiding her, always running. I would protect her from him.

Laurent spoke, a placating tone in his voice and embarrassment filling his thoughts, "It appears we have a lot to learn about each other."

"Indeed," Carlisle said coolly.

"But we'd like to accept your invitation." Laurent glanced at Bella quickly. "And, of course, we will not harm the human girl. We won't hunt in your range, as I said."

James glanced in disbelief and aggravation at him. _He might not hunt with me, but Victoria will. Useful as she is. I'll need some help with so many adversaries. _Then he exchanged a brief look with Victoria. She barely nodded at him, knowing from experience what he would be planning. Her thoughts were in line with his, immensely confident that he would succeed, because apparently, he always did.

Carlisle wondered for a moment how to safely proceed, if it was a good idea to lead them to our home. _It's for the best Edward, _he thought with no outward display that he was speaking to me, _the leader will surely be able to convince the others, and perhaps they will join us as well. _He was assured by Laurent's open expression, hopeful to change their minds about their lifestyle. Always ready to evangelize and give the benefit of any doubt he said confidently, "We'll show you the way. Jasper, Rosalie, Esme?" As soon as he called their names they gathered closely behind him, blocking Bella from view. Alice was instantly by Bella's side and Emmett kept his eyes locked on James as he backed toward us.

When Bella was completely blocked from their view I turned to her. Knowing this would just be the beginning, the words seemed to mean more. "Let's go, Bella." And we would go, and keep going. Alice's visions echoed my decisions as she searched for something positive, something that would let us be together as a whole again, but that was impossible now. I had to tug sharply on Bella's elbow to make her move. We wouldn't be able to stop running now. She looked terrified, her eyes wide with horror. How could I be so stupid? Why did I bring her at all? When I found out they were coming, I should have taken Bella and run to begin with.

I wanted to run immediately, but I forced myself to walk at a human pace to the forest. I didn't want James to get more excited then he already was. It was excruciating to walk away. Knowing, that everything that I was trying to avoid from the first moment I saw Bella was starting to crash down around me. She was in danger because of me. My family would have to move, ruining the life we'd built here, because of my own weakness.

And all I could do was walk away, leaving _him _back there, the euphoric hunter in his twisted adventure story. I grew angrier as I kept listening to his mind, his plans to capture Bella, his excitement of how I'd defend and avenge her. He viewed himself as a strategist, brave, and confident, winning the "game" at whatever cost.

As soon as we were under the cover of the forest, I slung Bella over my back without breaking stride and took off. My fury drove me faster than I'd ever run before, wanting to escape his demented, masochistic thoughts.

When we reached the jeep I flung her in the backseat. "Strap her in," I ordered Emmett as he slid in beside her.

Alice was already in the front seat as I started the engine.

This was it. I had to get her out of here, take her far away, but the more I thought about the situation the angrier I became. The jeep couldn't move fast enough over this bumpy trail.

Emmett glared out the window, his thoughts were irritated. He hated to run away.

Alice continued to flip through possibilities of the future. It was like a bad version of Mission Impossible. Possibilities of Bella and myself hiding out in different places, of the necessity for the rest of the family to move every three months, and then the possibility of Bella being transformed into a vampire.

When I saw her vision of Bella as one of us, the epitome of everything I'd been trying to avoid through all of this, beyond frustrated at that point, I mumbled out a string of profanities. Everything was crashing down around me. All the care that I took to keep her safe with me meant nothing, but I would _not _be that selfish. I would run forever to keep her safe, to do what was best for her, but turning her wasn't going to happen. My own selfishness caused this problem, and two wrongs didn't make a right.

When we hit the main road, going south away from Forks, I was able to increase our speed, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Where are we going?" Bella asked.

None of us answered or looked at her. Neither Alice nor Emmett had directed their thoughts towards me since we left the clearing though now I could sense something building in the back of both their minds that they were unwilling to share with me.

"Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?"

"We have to get you away from here - far away - now." I didn't look back at her. She didn't have a choice in the matter.

"Turn around! You have to take me home!" she shouted, struggling at the harness.

"Emmett," I said grimly.

He understood, grasping her wrists like handcuffs so she couldn't hurt herself, and thought. _Feisty, isn't she?_ _I think I get what you see in this girl. _

Bella kept yelling, "No! Edward! No, you can't do this."

"I have to, Bella, now please be quiet."

"I won't! You have to take me back - Charlie will call the FBI! They'll be all over your family - Carlisle and Esme! They'll have to leave, to hide forever!"

"Calm down, Bella." Where else could my folly end? This was inevitable from the beginning. "We've been there before."

"Not over me, you don't! You're not ruining everything over me!" She struggled fruitlessly.

"Edward, pull over." Alice said.

I glared at her, knowing what she'd want to try to convince me of, and sped up.

"Edward, let's just talk this through."

"You don't understand," I roared, frustrated. "He's a tracker, Alice, did you _see _ that? He's a tracker!"

_Not good. _Emmett thought.

"Pull over, Edward." Alice said again.

I pushed the jeep past one-twenty.

"Do it, Edward."

"Listen to me, Alice. I saw his mind. Tracking is his passion, his obsession - and he wants her, Alice - _her, _specifically. He begins the hunt tonight."

"He doesn't know where -"

"How long do you think it will take him to cross her scent in town? His plan was already set before the words were out of Laurent's mouth."

Bella gasped, "Charlie! You can't leave him there! You can't leave him!" She thrashed against the harness.

"She's right," Alice said quietly.

I barely lifted my foot from the gas pedal.

"Let's just look at our options for a minute," she coaxed.

I allowed the jeep to slow even more. Suddenly, the determination in Alice's mind, her view that turning Bella was the only option at this point and the only logical thing to do made me realize that I couldn't ignore this conversation anymore.

Screeching to a halt on the side of the highway, I hissed, "There are no options." I _wasn't_ going to change her. Hadn't we been through this? Damning her to this existence was _not _denote _saving her. _

"I'm not leaving Charlie!" Bella yelled.

I ignored her.

"We have to take her back," Emmett finally spoke.

"No." This wasn't open for discussion.

"He's no match for us, Edward. He won't be able to touch her."

"He'll wait."

Emmett grinned. "I can wait, too."

"You didn't see - you don't understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he's unshakable. We'd have to kill him."

Unperturbed as ever, Emmett simply said, "That's an option."

"And the female. She's with him. If it turns into a fight, the leader will go with them, too."

"There are enough of us." _Your lack of confidence is insulting._

I knew the odds were in our favor, but one wrong move on our part, one moment of being too distracted by the fight, and he could get to her. I didn't want to give him any chance, and I couldn't stand the thought of him coming near to Bella.

After a second, Alice said quietly, "There's another option."

I knew what she meant. She mentally threw the vision at me this time, Bella with the red eyes of a newborn vampire and Alice's arm around her as best friends. Alice had no qualms with Bella loosing her humanity since she herself didn't remember her humanity to miss it. Sure it would make Alice happy and be easier for all of us, especially me, but what would Bella think afterwards? After feeling the burning torture in her throat and the sameness of eternity? There was no way to answer this from that one image that Alice held so firmly to. No, it would simply be more selfishness, and I snarled at Alice, "There - is - no - other - option!"

Alice and I glared at each other. She threw every possible vision at me of what my life would be like always on the run and hiding Bella while I simply stared her down. I _knew_ how hard it would be, but when was the _right _thing easy?

_You are so irritatingly stubborn! _She thought in exasperation as the visions only became more clear and firm in her mind as my decisions solidified.

I could have said the same about her, but it didn't matter because this wasn't her decision to make. It was mine, and I wouldn't allow Bella life _or soul_ to be put in danger by my existence.

After this long outward silence, Bella said, "Does anyone want to hear my plan?"

"No," I growled. For all I knew it would be the same as Alice's, or, knowing how she had no self-preservation instincts at all, she'd want to just sacrifice herself to the monster and be done with it. I rolled my eyes, _ludicrous._

Alice glared furiously at me, _Why not? It's her life._

"Listen," Bella pleaded. "You take me back."

"No," I interrupted. _Too close._

Bella glared at me and continued. "You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He'll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won't call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want."

All three of us were stunned, staring speechlessly at her. At how rationally she was thinking given the circumstances. Her reactions were never normal.

"It's not a bad idea, really." Emmett pointed out, surprised at her strategy.

"It might work - and we simply can't leave her father unprotected. You know that," Alice said.

Everyone looked at me, expectant, but I couldn't bare to take her back.

"It's too dangerous - I don't want him within a hundred miles of her."

"Edward, he's not getting through us." Emmett said supremely confident.

Alice flipped through more visions, able to see other possibilities now that I was considering another option. "I don't see him attacking. He'll try to wait for us to leave her alone."

"It won't take long for him to realize that's not going to happen," I said. _And then he'll try to take us on. She is bound to get hurt then._

"I _demand_that you take me home."

I pressed my fingers to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut, blocking out their thoughts, and concentrating. I couldn't leave her father unprotected it was true. She would hate me more for that than anything else, but how could I take Bella toward the danger?

"Please," Bella said in a small voice.

I couldn't refuse that plea.

Worn down and without looking up, I said, "You're leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can't stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works. Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck. I don't care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep."

Starting the jeep again, I spun us around, and headed back to Forks as quickly as I could. I vaguely heard Emmett and Bella speak as he freed her hands, but my mind was too preoccupied with what we were about to do. Taking her back, willingly bringing her closer to danger, felt as if someone just told me I had to cut off one of my own limbs. The thought was excruciating.

"This is how it's going to happen." I finally decided. "When we get to the house, if the tracker is not there, I will walk her to the door. Then she has fifteen minutes." I glared at her in the rearview mirror, making her understand that I couldn't handle more than that. "Emmett, you take the outside of the house. Alice, you get the truck. I'll be inside as long as she is. After she's out, you two can take the Jeep home and tell Carlisle."

"No way," Emmett broke in. "I'm with you."

"Think it through, Emmett. I don't know how long I'll be gone."

"Until we know how far this is going to go, I'm with you."

I sighed, knowing I wouldn't be able to change his mind. "If the tracker _is _there," I continued, admitting my limit, "we keep driving."

"We're going to make it there before him," Alice said as she focused on visions of the near future. She could be extremely irritating with her opinions, but definitely useful. Then she said, "What are we going to do with the Jeep?"

"You're driving it home."

"No, I'm not," she calmly said.

This was _not _happening, and she was definitely more annoying than useful. I muttered a few choice words, too angry to come up with an intelligible argument.

"We can't all fit in my truck," Bella whispered.

I ignored her. Her truck wouldn't be fast enough anyway, we'd have to find something else regardless. That's not why I was angry. I barely could think of Emmett coming, for God knows how long, but not Alice too. It wasn't fair to them. This was my fault and I should be the one to take care of it.

Even more quietly Bella said, "I think you should let me go alone."

_Right. _"Bella, please just do this my way," I said through clenched teeth, "just this once." She would never keep herself safe, she had proven time and time again that she had no idea how to think of her own safety.

"Listen, Charlie's not an imbecile," she protested. "If you're not in town tomorrow, he's going to get suspicious."

"That's irrelevant. We'll make sure he's safe, and that's all that matters." There was no way I'd let her have her way this time.

"Then what about this tracker? He saw the way you acted tonight. He's going to think you're with me, wherever you are."

_Wow, she's good. _"Edward, listen to her," Emmett urged. "I think she's right."

"Yes, she is," Alice agreed. _And you know it._

"I can't do that." If taking Bella toward danger felt like severing a limb then letting her go alone was the equivalent to sticking my arm in fire and letting it burn.

"Emmett should stay, too," Bella continued. "He definitely got an eyeful of Emmett."

"What?" Emmett didn't like that idea so well.

"You'll get a better crack at him if you stay," Alice pointed out.

I couldn't believe we were discussing this. Incredulous, I looked at Alice. "You think I should let her go alone?"

"Of course not. Jasper and I will take her."

"I can't do that," I repeated, but began to realize that this might be the best option to keep her safe.

Bella started in with her idea again. "Hang out here for a week -" I glared at her in the mirror and she amended her plan. "- a few days. Let Charlie see you haven't kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he's completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home."

It sounded logical. "Meet you where?"

"Phoenix."

"No. He'll hear that's where you're going," I said impatiently.

"And you'll make it look like that's a ruse, obviously. He'll know that we'll know that he's listening. He'll never believe I'm actually going where I say I am going."

Emmett chuckled. "She's diabolical."

"And if that doesn't work?" Obviously he might not believe the ruse.

"There are several million people in Phoenix," she said confidently.

"It's not that hard to find a phone book."

"I won't go home."

"Oh?" I couldn't imagine how she would be capable of taking care of herself in such a large city with so many dangers.

"I'm quite old enough to get my own place."

I rolled my eyes. Age had nothing to do with it.

"Edward, we'll be with her," Alice reminded me.

"What are _you _going to do in _Phoenix?_" I asked scathingly.

"Stay indoors." _Of course._

"I kind of like it." Emmett was getting excited. _He won't know what hit him..._

"Shut up, Emmett." They couldn't understand how much it hurt me to think of being away from her.

"Look, if we try to take him down while she's still around," he explained, "There's a much better chance that someone will get hurt - she'll get hurt, or you will, trying to protect her. Now, if we get him alone…" He grinned slowly, thinking about cornering James for a fight. _We take him out. _

I couldn't argue with that. She would be safer away from me, just as I always knew was true, and now it was proven to me again. As we drove into Forks I realized that I was driving more slowly than I ever had before. I felt deflated, like my life was slowly being sapped away. Every ounce of my being wanted to prolong the time that I had with her.

The jeep crawled through town and I knew I would do it. I knew I would metaphorically have to burn my limb off to let her leave me. To keep her safe. I loved her too much to do any less.

"Bella," I said softly. "If you let anything happen to yourself - anything at all - I'm holding you personally responsible. Do you understand?"

She gulped, "Yes."

I turned to Alice. "Can Jasper handle this?"

"Give him some credit, Edward. He's been doing very, very well, all things considered."

"Can _you _handle this?" I asked.

Alice knew what I meant and pulled her lips back in a horrific grimace, a guttural snarl tore through her teeth. I smiled, she was a pretty terrifying little monster when she wanted to be, and I knew she was capable of keeping Bella safe.

Suddenly, I remembered her other "option" for Bella's safety, and muttered, "But keep your opinions to yourself."


	10. Goodbyes 21

Yes, Stephanie is still the creative genius that came up with these characters and thus they belong to her.

**Goodbyes - 21**

I slowly pulled into the driveway behind Bella's truck, reaching out with my mind for any hint of the enemy. Emmett and Alice both scanned the forest, detecting every scent, every movement. I turned off the engine and we continued to listen. Bella's heart was beginning to speed up as we looked for a sign of James, but he wasn't there. He didn't hear her racing pulse.

"He's not here," I said tensely. "Let's go."

Emmett helped Bella out of the harness. "Don't worry, Bella," he said, cheerfully thinking of the fight to come, "we'll take care of things here quickly."

Through Emmett's mind, I saw Bella's eyes filling with tears. She must be terribly afraid, and all this because of my stupidity.

"Alice, Emmett." I ordered. They immediately went to their posts by her truck and the back of the house. I opened Bella's door and took her hand to help her down, wrapping my arms around her, I wished they could be a protective shield to her and that I would never have to let her go. I walked her quickly toward the house, peering through the woods for any sign of movement. Alice and Emmett were just as vigilant and I listened to their assuring thoughts as well.

When we stood on the porch I leaned closely to her and sternly whispered, "Fifteen minutes."

"I can do this." She sniffled and wiped a tear away. Suddenly, her eyes grew intense, burning into my own. "I love you," she said fiercely "I will always love you, no matter what happens now."

I leaned closer to her, willing her to not be afraid. "Nothing is going to happen to you, Bella," I said just as fiercely, assuring her as well as myself.

"Just follow the plan, okay? Keep Charlie safe for me. He's not going to like me very much after this, and I want to have the chance to apologize later."

"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry." I was growing anxious with new visions from Alice of James showing up before we'd driven away.

"One more thing," she whispered passionately, her loving soul laid bare in the deep pools of her eyes. "Don't listen to another word I say tonight!"

I was frozen, unsure what to make of her words and completely awed at the transparent abandoned I saw in the depths of her eyes. No other time had I been able to see her meaning more clearly, as if I _could_ read her mind. She loved me more than I had known, and I was stunned. Suddenly, she took my face in her hands and stretched up to kiss me. A burning, passionate, seal to the promise I saw in her eyes.

When she pulled away from me, her eyes pooled with hot tears.

She turned quickly and kicked the door open and yelled. "Go away, Edward!" Running inside, she slammed the door in my shocked face.

"Bella?" Charlie said, concern, and suspicious accusation directed at me were pouring through his mind.

"Leave me alone!" She screamed at him. I felt his mind recoil as he watched the flood of tears pour from her eyes. He didn't know what to do when someone cried, but his concern and loving protection led him to follow her up the stairs.

I heard Bella lock her bedroom door and start digging for things to pack, and I jumped into her window to help her. Charlie was pounding on the door.

"Bella, are you okay? What's going on?" Fear swirled through his mind as he called to her.

"I'm going _home,_" she shouted, her voice breaking from the chocking sobs.

"Did he hurt you?" Charlie yelled, livid at the images in his mind of how I might take advantage of her.

"No!" Bella shrieked quickly, and I dug clothes out of her dresser, tossing them to her while she filled a duffle bag.

"Did he break up with you?"

"No!" she yelled breathlessly as she jammed the last of her clothes into the bag.

"What happened, Bella?" Charlie pounded on the door again, his mind swirling with confusion.

"_I _broke up with _him_!" She shouted, while jamming the zipper on the bag.

I pushed her hands out of the way to zip it for her, and carefully put the strap over her arm. "I'll be in the truck - go!" I whispered, pushing her toward the door. I jumped out of the window while she was unlocking her door.

Racing to her truck I got in to wait for her.

_He's almost here,_ _one minute. _Alice warned, _he's going to follow us._

"What happened?" Charlie yelled, following her down the stairs. "I thought you liked him." He caught her elbow when they were in the kitchen and spun her around to look at him.

_She's got to do better than that. _Alice thought envisioning Charlie keeping her at home by force.

Through Charlie's mind, I watched Bella's face as she glared at him, fresh tears flooding down her face.

"I _do _like him - that's the problem. I can't do this anymore! I can't put down any more roots here! I don't want to end up trapped in this stupid, boring town like Mom! I'm not going to make the same dumb mistake she did. I hate it - I can't stay here another minute!"

Charlie was stunned. Hurt and shock jolted together as he released her arm, but Bella had done it. I knew Charlie would let her leave, and Alice confirmed this. He watched her stomp toward the door and weakly whispered, "Bells, you can't leave now. It's nighttime." A lonely sorrow filled his mind at the site of her walking away.

"I'll sleep in the truck if I get tired," she said angrily, without turning toward him.

_Ahhh…such a tantalizing smell. _

James was here.

Through his mind I saw Bella's house and heard his conceited thoughts. _This might be easier than I thought. I hope not, it would be a shame to drink her blood without some entertainment first. _He saw me in her truck and I knew he wouldn't attack tonight, just as Alice predicted. No, he will just track us until someone makes a mistake.

Charlie was trying to convince Bella to stay, but I couldn't pay attention to his thoughts when our enemy was so close.

James watched hungrily as the doorknob turned.

"Just let me go, Charlie," she said, and opened the door. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really _hate _Forks!"

She ran wildly across the yard to her truck and even though I knew James wouldn't attack, it was all I could do to keep hidden inside her truck rather than running to her, protecting her in my arms. She threw her bag in the back and jumped into the drivers seat.

"I'll call you tomorrow!" she yelled and turned the key that I'd already placed in the ignition. The truck roared to life and she gunned the engine, peeling out.

As the house and Charlie, still blankly standing on the porch, disappeared, I reached for her hand. "Pull over," I said.

Hot tears were pouring down her face and I knew this was the worst thing that she'd had to do.

"I can drive," she said through her tears, so brave.

Reaching around her waist, I pushed her foot off the gas pedal and pulled her across my lap, gently pulling her hands free from the wheel. The truck didn't swerve as I took control of the vehicle. "You wouldn't be able to find the house," I said gently.

Lights flared behind us as the jeep came closer. Bella's eyes grew wide and she turned to the back window. Her heart raced, thumping rhythmically into my arm.

"It's just Alice," I assured her, moving my arm so I could squeeze her hand.

"The tracker?"

"He heard the end of your performance," I said grimly, listening to his sadistic thoughts as he chased us now.

"Charlie?" Her voice was full of dread.

"The tracker followed us. He's running behind us now." With effort, I kept my voice as calm as I could to keep Bella from being more frightened.

"Can we outrun him?"

"No," I said, but sped up slightly just the same. The engine of her decrepit truck groaned at the extra speed.

Bella looked behind us again, staring out the back window, her heart racing, and her eyes wide with fear.

_I got your back, bro. _Emmett thought gleefully as he jumped into the bed of Bella's truck.

I should have warned her. A bloodcurdling scream ripped from her throat and I instantly clamped my hand over her mouth. "It's Emmett!"

She stopped screaming, but began to shake everywhere. I moved my hand from her mouth and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her close to me. "It's okay, Bella. You're going to be safe." I put my own fears aside so that I could comfort her. She was the only one who mattered now.

As we raced through the quiet town I wondered what I could say to help her relax, to calm down. Conversationally, I said, "I didn't realize you were still so bored with small-town life. It seemed like you were adjusting fairly well - especially recently," I teased. "Maybe I was just flattering myself that I was making life more interesting for you."

"I wasn't being nice," she said looking down, her face blushing with shame. "That was the same thing my mom said when she left him. You could say I was hitting below the belt."

"Don't worry. He'll forgive you." I smiled slightly, knowing that was true, but also knowing that he wouldn't forgive me. Not that I deserved his forgiveness. I told him I would take care of her, and look what happened.

She just stared at me, her eyes suddenly full of horrified panic.

"Bella, it's going to be all right." I couldn't bare to see her so frightened.

"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," she whispered.

"We'll be together again in a few days," I said, pulling her closer to me. "Don't forget that this was your idea."

"It was the best idea - of course it was mine," she shrugged.

I smiled at her confidence, but immediately felt the emptiness that was inevitable when she was not near me. I hated to think of her being afraid, of how I couldn't be there to make her feel safe and protected. Alice would protect her, and Jasper… it wouldn't be as painful for _her_ to be away from _me_, but I had to finish this. I had to get to James before he could hurt her. This was the best way to protect her.

"Why did this happen?" she asked, her voice catching. "Why me?"

I stared at the road ahead, preparing myself, yet again, to admit what a danger I was to her. A selfish demon that only brought her trouble. "It's my fault - I was a fool to expose you like that." I had never been so angry at myself than at this moment.

"That's not what I meant," she insisted, always so ready to brush away the truth about my failings. "I was there, big deal. It didn't bother the other two. Why did this James decide to kill _me?_ There's people all over the place, why me?"

I hesitated, not sure how much to reveal to her. I didn't want to frighten her more, but she needed to know the truth. "I got a good look at his mind tonight," I said quietly. "I'm not sure if there's anything I could have done to avoid this, once he saw you. It _is _partially your fault," I said, teasing her slightly. "If you didn't smell so appallingly luscious, he might not have bothered. But when I defended you…well, that made it a lot worse. He's not used to being thwarted, no matter how insignificant the object. He thinks of himself as a hunter and nothing else. His existence is consumed with tracking, and a challenge is all he asks of life. Suddenly we've presented him with a beautiful challenge - a large clan of strong fighters all bent on protecting the one vulnerable element." I couldn't think of what went through his mind without feeling disgusted. "You wouldn't believe how euphoric he is now. It's his favorite game, and we've just made it his most exciting game ever."

I paused thinking of that moment in the clearing again and hearing his exhilarated thoughts as he raced behind us.

"But if I had stood by, he would have killed you right then." It was all so hopelessly frustrating. I kept thinking back to what I could have done. Running with her when I first knew they were coming? Not taken her to watch us play? I thought back even further to the other decisions I made, excuses I'd made to watch over her ultimately bringing her into my life. Each decision was such a tangled web of possibilities. If I hadn't stayed and watched over her, other things would have hurt her. I felt like the edge of this blade that I was balancing on was being shifted from side to side by a cruel fate, trying to throw me completely off.

"I thought… I didn't smell the same to the others… as I do to you," she said hesitantly.

"You don't. But that doesn't mean that you aren't still a temptation to every one of them. If you _had _appealed to the tracker - or any of them - the same way you appeal to me, it would have meant a fight right there."

She shuddered, and for once I was not glad for a "normal" reaction from her. I never wanted to put her in this position.

"I don't think I have any choice but to kill him now," I muttered more to myself than to her.

Emmett heard me though as he stood in the back of her truck. _Actually, _we'll _have to kill him. _He emphasized in his mind. _Life is more exciting now that a human knows about us. You should've invited her over sooner. _Nothing could dampen Emmett's enthusiasm for any challenge thrown at him, but I couldn't share his excitement.

"Carlisle won't like it," I said, and his excitement wavered briefly.

We drove over the bridge, drawing nearer to the house.

"How can you kill a vampire?" Bella asked suddenly.

I glanced at her curious eyes. She always did have a question and I had hoped that this conversation would never be necessary, but now I had to tell her. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces." My voice sounded harsh as my anger grew again.

"And the other two will fight with him?"

"The woman will. I'm not sure about Laurent. They don't have a very strong bond - he's only with them for convenience. He was embarrassed by James in the meadow…"

"But James and the woman - they'll try to kill you?"

"Bella, don't you _dare _waste time worrying about me." I couldn't bare the thought of her needlessly worrying about me when this was all my fault to begin with. "Your only concern is keeping yourself safe and - please, please - _trying _not to be reckless." I begged, afraid of anything and everything that she could be hurt with so far away from me.

"Is he still following?" She asked quietly.

"Yes. He won't attack the house, though. Not tonight." Assured by the visions that Alice was flipping through of our immediate future, I still couldn't feel confident when I knew I would have to leave her side.

We drove right up to the front of the house and before I'd fully stopped, Emmett was running along next to us, opening Bella's door.

_I've got her, Edward. _ He hugged Bella like a foot ball, her duffle bag over his shoulder, and ran her into the house. Alice and I were right behind him.

When we burst into the room, the other's realized that Laurent was with our family. Emmett growled at him as he set Bella down next to me.

"He's tracking us," I said glaring at Laurent as if somehow this was his fault.

"I was afraid of that," Laurent said, unhappily wishing we could have met peaceably.

Alice told Jasper the plan to take Bella away and they raced upstairs to get their things. Rosalie watched them, realizing what was about to happen and walked to Emmett's side. _Of course everyone will endanger themselves to protect _her_, especially Emmett. He wouldn't let Edward do this alone. _She was worried about our family but only in how we effect glared furiously at Bella. _Stupid human, ruining everything that's important to me. You'll _never _be worth it._

"What will he do?" Carlisle asked Laurent

"I'm sorry," he answered. "I was afraid, when your boy there defended her, that it would set him off."

"Can you stop him?"

Laurent shook his head. "Nothing stops James when he gets started." _Nothing ever could. _

"We'll stop him," Emmett promised confidently.

"You can't bring him down." Laurent said, "I've never seen anything like him in my three hundred years. He's absolutely lethal. That's why I joined his coven."

The truth was beginning to come out. At Laurent's admittance, I got a better image in his mind of who he was. His loyalties were weak and he would side with whoever was stronger. He would do whatever was convenient at the time.

Laurent was shaking his head. _All this over one human girl. _He glanced at Bella, and turned back to Carlisle. "Are you sure it's worth it?"

The thin strand of control I'd been holding my anger back with, erupted in a roar that filled the room. Laurent cringed away.

_Don't worry, Edward. _Carlisle looked gravely at Laurent. "I'm afraid you're going to have to make a choice."

Laurent understood his meaning, and looked at each of our faces, evaluating the determination he saw, and the odds against us. _Such an interesting life they lead. So civilized. So very different than what I've been used to._

"I'm intrigued by the life you've created here. But I won't get in the middle of this. I bear none of you any enmity, but I won't go up against James. I think I will head north - to that clan in Denali." He hesitated, weighing his loyalties and wondering if he should warn us. "Don't underestimate James. He's got a brilliant mind and unparalleled senses. He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on…I'm sorry for what's been unleashed here. Truly sorry." He bowed his head and then looked quickly at Bella again. _No, I don't understand, but perhaps I will, in time._

"Go in peace," Carlisle said formally.

Laurent looked longingly around the room again, sorry that he couldn't enjoy our hospitality more and hurried out the door.

We all silently waited the half second until Laurent was out of hearing range.

Carlisle was the first to break the silence. "How close?"

"About three miles out past the river; he's circling around to meet up with the female."

Bella gasped as Esme touched the keypad on the wall and the huge metal shutters closed over the glass wall.

"What's the plan?

"We'll lead him off, and then Jasper and Alice will run her south."

"And then?"

"As soon as Bella is clear," I said, hate seething through my voice, "we hunt him."

"I guess there's no other choice," Carlisle agreed, regretting that there was no other way.

Turning to Rosalie, the closest to Bella's size, I said, "Get her upstairs and trade clothes."

_You can't order me to do anything. _"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace - a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."

Emmett put his hand on her shoulder wanting to reason with her, but she shook it off. I'd hoped that she could put aside her own jealousy and self-centeredness, but she would never be reasoned with and I wouldn't try. I turned away from her as if she didn't exist, and at that moment she didn't.

I looked the other way. "Esme?"

"Of course," Esme murmured.

I watched as Esme swung Bella into her arms and raced up the stairs. I quickly helped Emmett gather some supplies in the largest backpack that we had. It was pretty well stocked for emergencies and didn't take long, but we added a few extra things that Carlisle had prepared. Though, at the time Alice had told him what would be needed none of us knew why or what for. This was one mysterious vision that I wish we'd never come to find out it's context.

Alice and Jasper came down the stairs holding a couple small bags. "Alice," I said, already feeling that pain of separation that would happen too soon, "Bella doesn't know how to take care of herself. You have to promise me that you will stay with her all the time."

She nodded.

"And humans eat a lot more than we do."

She nodded again, and I smiled feebly at her. "I couldn't let her go with anyone else." I choked on the words. "Please take care of her for me?"

She smiled assuredly, "I'll watch over her, Edward." _Nothing will happen to her. It will be all right. Just do your part and take care of the tracker. _Then she raced up the stairs as Esme and Bella came out of the room. She and Esme carried Bella swiftly down the stairs, one on each elbow. I was grateful to see Alice already starting to take care of Bella.

Carlisle had already weighed the options of what each member of the family would do and as he handed out cell phones to each party, he began the instructions. "Esme and Rosalie will be taking your truck, Bella."

Bella nodded, glancing warily at Rosalie. While Bella was upstairs she couldn't have heard the conversation that Carlisle had with Rosalie, but Rose had complied quite well after he spoke with her.

"Alice, Jasper - take the Mercedes. You'll need the dark tint in the south."

They nodded, only determination in their synchronized thoughts.

"We're taking the Jeep," Carlisle said and turned to Alice.

"Alice, will they take the bait?"

Alice closed her eyes and focused on the immediate future. It was perfectly clear as all of us were decided and determined in our course of action.

She and I both were confident when she opened her eyes, saying, "He'll track you. The woman will follow the truck. We should be able to leave after that."

"Let's go." Carlisle motioned to Emmett and they headed toward the kitchen.

This moment had come too soon. I was immediately at Bella's side and caught her up. Holding her more closely than I'd ever dared, I pressed her body against mine, and lifted her face to my lips, kissing her fiercely. I quickly set her down and could feel all the love I had for her, all the weeks of turmoil and suppressed passion, burning in my eyes as I stared into hers.

As I forced myself to turn away from her, I felt all of that love and passion compressing into one lump deep in my chest, draining myself of feeling as I metaphorically tore myself in half to leave her side.

I raced out to the jeep and jumped into the back seat, next to the oversized backpack. Carlisle drove quickly away and I forced myself to only pay attention to the tracker. As soon as he had committed to following us, I called Esme's phone.

"He's following us," I whispered into the phone, "Keep Charlie safe for Bella." She acknowledged and quickly hung up.

I listened for the female's mind as Esme and Rosalie drove away.

_Ah, and now the real game begins. _Her thoughts were as horribly jubilant as James' were when she took off after them, violent, primal, yet strategic. Her only goal was to help James get to Bella.

Quickly calling Alice's phone, I let her know that Victoria was following the truck and it was time for them to take Bella away. We were still close enough that I could read her mind as she decided to get the car, leaving Jasper alone with Bella.

Suddenly, the lump in my chest swelled and felt like it was burning as we drove farther away. I had to see Bella one last time, and looked through Jasper's mind as he was watching Bella, taking in her emotions of guilt and feelings of unworthiness. Tears were pouring down her face.

_"You're wrong you know," _he said quietly.

_"What?" _she gasped, chocking on her tears.

_"I can feel what you're feeling now - and you _are _worth it." _

_"I'm not. If anything happens to them, it will be for nothing."_

Jasper felt the waves of self degradation emanating from Bella and smiled kindly at her, _"Your wrong," _he said again. He thought of me and how I'd changed and grown to love her. Then he thought of her bravery, and loyalty by keeping our secret safe.

I wondered at the strength of his control, we'd never left him alone with a human before, and yet, his control didn't waver.

With a shock I realized the difference that I could never see before, and I felt a respect for my brother that I hadn't before. I realized just how difficult I must have made his life, his thirst must have been so much harder to manage when he sensed, not only each family members struggle to control themselves, but, my own desire for Bella's blood. He'd carried the burdens of all of us… especially mine. I knew then that Bella would be safe with them, and I forced myself to let go as we drove farther away.

Concentrating only on the hunter's base mind, I let the murderous anger take control of me.


	11. Impatience 22

This was super fun to write! And yes, Stephanie still owns the characters. I had a lot of fun with Emmett in this. He cracks me up. :]

**Impatience -22**

_Edward, is he close enough to hear us? _Carlisle looked at me in the rear-view mirror as he sped up.

"No, he's dropping farther behind. It's getting harder to hear his mind, but he's committed to following us."

_He thinks she's with us. _Emmett grinned at Carlisle, thinking of what he'd added to the back-pack. "That recording of the heart-beat was a good idea."

"Alice is truly invaluable to us, and adding some of Bella's clothes to the back-pack was a good choice, Emmett. I'm sure that helped to confuse the scent." Carlisle pointed out.

I rolled my eyes, this was hardly the time to be complimenting each other on a job well done when the job wasn't finished. The anger that I felt toward the tracker and to myself only became frustrating as I thought of the many hours of driving we had ahead of us before I'd be able to _do _anything.

_I bet he thinks that Bella is in the back-pack. _

"Emmett, he doesn't think that she's _in _the back-pack. He didn't see us take it to the jeep, and if he _did _see it, he wouldn't have believed she was in there."

"What? Why not? She'd fit. She's only like, five four right?"

"Just because she's petite doesn't mean she'd fit in the back-pack." Why were we having this argument?

"Hey, that is the largest internal frame back-pack at Newton's. She'd totally fit."

"If he thinks she's with us," Carlisle said, ignoring our argument, "Then we should try to avoid the appearance that we want him to follow us."

I nodded. "We shouldn't take any ferry routes" - Not that they'd be running in the middle of the night - "And stick to going straight through the bigger cities, driving as if she really were with us."

_ An external frame would be obvious, sure, but the internal would work. _Emmett thought as he found some coins in the seat next to him and began to rattle them around in his fist. Emmett began thinking of a new wager and putting Bella in the back-pack as soon as all this was over to prove it to me.

I groaned at his logic, and was too frustrated in every way to have patience with anyone at the moment. "You're not going to put her in the back-pack, Emmett." Even if it _were _possible I wouldn't let him try it.

"I bet she could fold up enough to fit in there."

"Not happening."

He shrugged. "It was just a thought," he said, and then began to juggle the coins, grasping each between his pointer finger and thumb as he tossed the five coins alternately in a fountain pattern.

I had never felt so stressed, so up-tight as I was at this moment. Even under normal circumstances it was excruciating to be away from Bella, but to be away from her with a danger hanging over her head like this, was torture.

I watched Emmett absentmindedly juggling. The clanking sound that the coins made as they alternately hit his palm was getting on my nerves.

I thought back to when I was driving the jeep, not many hours ago, and Bella was beside me. I was so happy then, so free of all this anxiety as if I were a younger more innocent version of myself, and it had only barely lasted for two days.

Two days!

I'd only been able to keep Bella safe from my world for two measly days.

"Hey, Edward, do you have any more quarters?"

"No," I snapped, "and those weren't mine to begin with."

_Hmm… maybe a button…? I wish I hadn't worn a pullover. _"Oh," Emmett said, leaning forward. "Never mind, there's more on the floor." He added the four new coins to the others that he was still juggling in one hand.

No, they weren't mine. With a painful stab to the lump in my chest, I realized that they must have been Bella's. Probably falling out of her coat pocket when she bounced up and down on the drive to the clearing. So many reminders of her, of a happier time, brief though it was. I wanted her to have that happy time again, and that meant I needed to focus.

Bella must be safe.

I listened for the trackers mind again, annoyed that it was still so far away that I could barely hear the tone. He seemed committed to following us, certain that I was most likely to have her with me. As hard as it was, I knew that it had been _right_ to send Bella with Jasper and Alice. She was safer away from me.

Carlisle was thinking through our route. Of traveling North and then driving along the coast through Port Angeles. He had debated if taking the 101 South to Olympia was better than cutting across on the 104 to by-pass it, going directly to Tacoma. Traffic wasn't going to be an issue at this time of night, however, and going farther South through Olympia had won out. Taking the longer way meant that Alice, Jasper, and Bella would have more time to get to Phoenix undetected.

The few hours that it took to drive North of Olympia was even more frustrating. Even though I wanted James to follow us as long as possible to give them that extra time, I grew more impatient each passing minute to end this, to end him.

What were we doing? Why didn't we take him out right away in the clearing when I knew he'd never give up tracking her? Hearing the tone of Carlisle's mind reminded me; We had to give them a chance to change. If we'd fought in the clearing we'd have had to kill all three of them and it probably would have traumatized Bella to see all that. No, it was better to draw him away from her and then finish this

The tracker was too far behind us by now for me to catch many of his thoughts. Occasionally, I could barely get a glimpse into his mind, but it was too far away for me to hear what he was saying. Like a crowded hallway of voices, there were too many minds and too much distance between us to understand the words in his head. I occasionally could sense the tone of his thoughts, the euphoric feeling, and base intent that I'd tuned into in the clearing, but it was hardly helpful.

Frustrating.

The drive through Seattle wasn't a problem without the normal traffic we would have met during the day, but that was hardly comforting. I kept worrying that he wouldn't continue to follow us, that somehow we would lose him and he'd find Bella. Even with all of our careful planning, it could happen. I couldn't _hear _him. How would we know if he turned around? When would we know it?

I wanted to tear him apart. I wanted to let the anger filling my every thought be released on his vile form, but all we could do was sit and drive. There was too much room in my head. I couldn't pay attention to James because he was too far away, and I couldn't _do _anything. My mind wandered to Bella and I had too much room to worry, to much unused space that I began to think of what she looked like when I last saw her. Her face flooded with tears. It was too painful, too excruciating to be away from her. Even though I knew I could trust Jasper and Alice, I couldn't help the anxiety that came when I wasn't distracted.

The sky began to lighten as we drove between the rainbow of tulip fields near Mount Vernon. It looked as if they were having some sort of festival. The signs and banners strung here and there indicated as much. Never driving through here at this time of year, I hadn't realized they held anything like this. The rows and rows of tulips blanketing the hills looked like brightly colored quilts stretching out on either side of the road. I couldn't help but notice the beauty in the landscape and immediately wish that Bella could see it with me. In fact, anything that I saw, the lights of the Space Needle as we drove through Seattle, the moss hanging down the cement walls along the free-way, and now the rows and rows of multicolored blooms. Each moment I wished that Bella could be beside me.

I knew it was sick and twisted to want that when a tracker was behind us, intent on taking her life. I didn't want her with me so close to that danger, but waiting these hours, sitting still, listening to Emmett juggle, was starting to take it's toll on me. I doubted that I would ever see anything beautiful alone and not have a desire to share the experience with her, but I didn't want her with me in these circumstances.

She needed to stay safe, and I would make her safe again. _Perhaps I could bring her here another time? _No, I shouldn't think of that right now. After putting her through this, she might decide that she doesn't _want_ to spend more time with me.

These last few hours had been torturous, painful, and mostly frustrating. I needed to think of something else.

Forcing myself to think about our strategy, I spoke to Carlisle, "With the light increasing, James will have to steal a car of some kind to be less conspicuous."

"Have you been able to hear any of his plans?" Carlisle asked.

"No." I ground my teeth in frustration.

Emmett turned to Carlisle. "How much farther till we get to set up the ambush?" I rolled my eyes at his childlike tone.

"We need to lead him into Canada, farther away from the cities. I don't want to be near a large population when we hunt him."

"Yes, but what if he doesn't follow us that far?" I asked, frustrated again. "We should turn sooner."

"We've already discussed this, and I'm not going to do that, Edward. He would be too dangerous to any humans in that position, and we would be too conspicuous to hunt him properly." _We'll need miles of unpopulated area for this to work the best, and Alice and Jasper need as much time as we can give them to get Bella away._

"You worry too much, bro. Just because you can't _read _him…" Emmett smirked as he turned away from me. _Now you're getting a taste of how the rest of us feel._

But it wasn't just that, I needed to _do _something, and the longer I was away from Bella the more consuming this desire was. I couldn't seem to be still. An immortal with the capacity to sit or stand without moving for centuries, and my fingers were twitching. The minutes, seconds, drug slowly by and I could barely stay in my seat. My limbs twitched involuntarily as I kept searching for the tracker's thoughts. I was going to be the only immortal with tick. Great, more fodder for Emmett's humor.

When we were finally stopped at the Canadian border, I caught the sound of the trackers mind again and was mildly reassured. At least he was still following us, for now.

Carlisle and Emmett discussed how they were going to set up the ambush. Dropping me off first, then looping around, Carlisle would be next, and then Emmett. We could come at him from all sides as he closed in on our position.

Crossing the border of Washington and Canada didn't take long, and we continued North toward Williams Lake. I forced myself to concentrate only on the trackers mind. If he deviated from this course now we would need to know immediately if that happened. These last hours were the most excruciating to live through. Each thing that he thought were just out of my reach and at each moment I was afraid that he would realize she wasn't with us and change course.

It was early in the afternoon when we were traveling West away from Williams Lake. We had to slow down when the paved road turned to gravel. I ignored the beauty of the river and lakes that we drove along and past. Soon we would track the Tracker and I couldn't afford a laps in concentration, not when we were so close.

Being farther away from the high populations of the cities made hearing his mind slightly easier, but he was still far behind us. More untrusting than before, but this could still work.

The road briefly turned from the gravel to paved again and we drove past a small airport. Then back to the gravel as we drove the incline into the mountains. A sign said _Heckman Pass 1524 _and we found a back road going north toward Tsitsutl Pk. Carlisle thought of the maps he'd memorized of Canada, remembering that the altitude would be 2478 ft at that point and intended to drive as far as he could on this back road. The higher ground would work to our advantage.

_Is James still behind us, Edward? _Carlisle wondered, slowing down slightly as the bumps in the road became too large to overcome quickly.

"Yes, he is behind us but he's growing more suspicious. More impatient." I shook my head, concentrating harder on his mind. "We aren't going to be able to lead him much farther."

"This will be fine then." Carlisle nodded, determined. "Get ready to jump out, Edward. If you hear any change in his thoughts, call us immediately and we'll meet back up. Otherwise, follow the plan."

I put the back-pack on and opened the door while the jeep flew over the ruts and bumps in the dirt road. I jumped from the jeep into a nearby tree and waited.

A few miles up the road Carlisle stopped the jeep and got out, while Emmett ran into the woods to the west. If the hunter came near us now he would fall right into our trap, and there would be no escape for him.

The minutes ticked by as I waited, listening for his mind. He was still there, but wasn't coming closer. Carlisle knew how impatient I was for this to end and kept repeating the plan in his mind to keep me in position. He'd followed us for this long, why wouldn't he keep coming? This was the best place to wait.

I hated waiting.

Then I heard him. Still too far away for our trap, but I heard him speak. He was on the phone. "_Keep looking," _he said impatiently. _"This isn't working, she's not with them." _Then I saw for an instant through his mind as he turned around and ran back to the stolen car that he'd left on the side of the road. He drove off, heading East, and I couldn't see clearly through his mind any more.

I phoned Carlisle while I ran, "We've got to move. He's heading back the way we came. He knows she's not with us!"

Carlisle acknowledged and hung up.

I dropped the now useless back-pack so that I could run faster.

I was able to do something now instead of sit still and he was getting away. This was _not _happening. I sped up and was able to catch a few of his thoughts.

_… airport…patience…_his thoughts were calculating, but I couldn't catch enough words for it to make sense. …_predictable……why should I…?_

I was running East on the gravel road, Emmett had already jumped into the jeep while Carlisle drove behind me. I couldn't tell how far back they were, but I wasn't going to slow down. I had to catch up to him before he was out of reach.

Trying to look through his mind, I began to get a clearer view as I drew closer to him. He was driving even faster as the road changed from gravel to paved and he was looking at a small airport. A plane for higher was on the runway, three people who looked like tourists were getting into it. He got out of the car and jogged toward the plane. It was a de Havilland DHC-2 Beaver, usually these were floatplanes, but this particular one had wheels and a turbine conversion.

I heard a strangers mind driving toward me, and had to slow my speed to a human's pace. At least it was cloudy enough today so that the sun wouldn't stop me. Slowly running was maddening when he was only a few miles ahead of me. The van drove by just as Carlisle and Emmett caught up with me. I jumped into the jeep.

"He's at the airport that we passed earlier, Carlisle," I said as Carlisle sped up.

"Even if we caught up with him we wouldn't be able to kill him there," Carlisle noted, thinking of the probable witnesses.

When we drove up to the airport the plane was just taking off. The Trackers mind mocked us as he looked out the window. Carlisle rolled down his window and called to a man who appeared to be a mechanic. "Excuse me, the plane that just took off, where is it going?"

"Oh, that's a touring plane. It'll be out for about two and a half hours going around Monarch mountain and the falls and North over the park," the man said as he scratched his five o-clock shadow.

"And will the plane land here after the tour?" Carlisle asked him.

"Oh, well, no. That particular one lands back at the airport near Burns lake." The man looked over his shoulder and then looked back at Carlisle, putting his hand to his face like he was telling a secret. "That one was specially hired by a film crew." He winked and nodded. "They're going to shoot a movie around here and wanted to get the lay of the land."

"I see, and the fastest way for us to reach Burns lake would be…?"

"Well, the fastest would be a plane, of course, but all ours are out." The man said this as if he worked on dozens of planes, but I could only picture four in his mind. "Driving there though, you'd need to head back East to Williams Lake and then head North on 97. Get on 16 at Prince George and you'll find Burns."

"Thank you very much." Carlisle said and waved as we drove away. He was much better at acting like nothing was wrong than I could at the moment. More hours of driving lay ahead of us, and now we were the ones chasing James. This was getting more complicated than it should have been.

"Carlisle, he was on the phone just before he turned back," I said trying to keep my voice calm. "We should call Esme and find out what Victoria's been doing."

Carlisle nodded and flipped his phone open. He talked to Esme first and then Rosalie, getting as much information of what Victoria was up to as he could. I listened closely so that when I was able to call Bella I would be able to reassure her about her father. James had said, _"Keep looking." _I remembered, grateful that Victoria was coming up empty. There wasn't anything for her to find, of course. I could calm down right? We just needed to get to James. End this quickly and be done.

As we turned North again, night was creeping over the sky. This had been the longest day of my life. If I thought I was frustrated before when I could barely read him, I was a hundred times as frustrated now when I couldn't hear his mind at all. He could be anywhere and Bella wasn't with me. The anxiety felt so thick around me that I could almost feel it weighing me down.

As we took the long drive to Burns Lake, the storm clouds gathered and the wind began to blow. Rain pelted the roof of the jeep and lighting flashed across the sky. I couldn't believe that we'd been on this "hunt" for almost 24 hours. Ridiculous. I would need to call Bella, to hear her voice and make sure she was safe before I lost my mind. Then still several miles before we got to the airport, a road block stopped us.

"What's going on, Edward?" Emmett asked.

I groaned at the absurd bad luck. "Lighting hit some power lines and they're down on the road."

"How long will the wait be?" Carlisle asked, looking at me in the rear-view mirror.

I listened to the hurried minds as they worked around the accident. "No one has been seriously injured," I assured him, "but a semi is blocking the road." It must have stopped too quickly for the power-lines and was now diagonal, blocking the road and adding to the amount of time it would take to get the traffic moving again.

"Great," Emmett said sarcastically. "We need to plan closer to home the next time someone wants to kill your girlfriend."

"_Next _time?"

"Well, if you're not going to change her into one of us it seems pretty likely." Emmett shrugged, "Not that I mind the excitement," he added, grinning.

This was so wrong in so many ways, and just sitting here was making me panicky. Had the plane already landed? Was he already gone? This plan had gone from bad to worse.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and listened for the trackers mind to ease the madness that was creeping over me. There were so many frazzled minds between us and the small airport, but I ignored them reaching my mind out, sifting through all the trivial thoughts. Then, amazingly, I heard him.

_ "…Stay in Forks… When I…" _He was on the phone again, and I was able to catch a few broken sentences. _"Make sure…… I'll be on a plane…" _I couldn't catch any more, but what I heard might be enough.

"I just heard him, Carlisle. He's getting on another plane. I think he's headed back to Forks."

"No problem then." Emmett grinned. "We'll just head back there and take him out in our own back yard."

I groaned, thinking that the long ride _back _would probably be even more torturous than the drive North had been.

"We need to call Alice," I said. "Maybe she's seen something. What he might be planning."

"Before we turn back," Carlisle said, "should we go to the airport to see if we can find out where he's going?"

"We could, but if we keep following him like this, driving from air port to air port to catch a lead or a scent, we'll lose him for sure."

Carlisle nodded and turned the jeep around to head back the way we'd come, then reached for his phone to call Alice. Relief washed through me as I realized that I would be able to hear Bella's voice in a few seconds.

"Alice."

"Carlisle."

"I know it's late, but is Bella awake?" Carlisle knew how anxious I was to talk to her.

"Yes," I heard Alice say. Even though I was glad she was awake I was bothered that she must not be sleeping well. Everything she did effected her health, and I didn't want her to worry. It wasn't good for her, and I was worrying enough for both of us.

"James is on a plane, and from what Edward hear in his mind we think he might be heading back to Forks. Did you see anything to give us an idea of where he might be going?"

"I just saw him. He was in a long room with mirrors everywhere and a gold stripe went all along the mirrors around the room. The floor was wooden and he was waiting there. Something was missing though - another decision hasn't been made yet. Then I saw him again in another room that was dark and he was running a VCR. That room was in another place. Whatever made him get on that plane… it was leading him to those rooms." For some reason hearing Alice's description wasn't comforting at all. The room didn't sound familiar and we barely had an idea of where he could be. I had to talk to Bella.

"Carlisle?"

He nodded. "Alice can you put Bella on? Edward would like to speak to her."

"Yes… Bella?"

I took the phone quickly.

"Hello?" Bella breathed.

"Bella." It was such a relief to hear her voice.

"Oh, Edward! I was so worried."

Bella," I sighed, frustrated that she wasn't taking care of herself. "I told you not to worry about anything but yourself."

"Where are you?"

"We're outside of Vancouver." I said, observing the highway as we sped farther South. "Bella, I'm sorry - we lost him. He seems suspicious of us - he's careful to stay just far enough away that I can't hear what he's thinking. But he's gone now - it looks like he got on a plane. We think he's heading back to Forks to start over."

"I know. Alice saw that he got away."

"You don't have to worry, though," I said quickly. "He won't find anything to lead him to you. You just have to stay there and wait till we find him again."

"I'll be fine. Is Esme with Charlie?"

"Yes - the female has been in town. She went to the house, but while Charlie was at work. She hasn't gone near him, so don't be afraid. He's safe with Esme and Rosalie watching."

"What is she doing?" Bella's voice still sounded worried.

"Probably trying to pick up the trail. She's been all through the town during the night. Rosalie traced her through the airport, all the roads around town, the school … she's digging, Bella, but there's nothing to find."

"And you're sure Charlie's safe?"

"Yes, Esme won't let him out of her sight. And we'll be there soon. If the tracker gets anywhere near Forks, we'll have him."

"I miss you," she whispered.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know." Hearing her pale voice made the lump in my chest ache. "It's like you've taken half of my self away with you." _My better half. _

"Come and get it, then," her weak voice challenged.

"Soon, as soon as I possibly can," I said reassuringly, but I was determined to fix this. "I _will _make you safe first."

"I love you," she said tenderly.

"Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"

"Yes, I can actually." I would never understand how she could keep accepting me with what I keep putting her through, but I wasn't going to argue. I needed her too much.

"I'll come for you soon."

"I'll be waiting," she said, and then I hung up. I hated long good-byes, they were more painful than short ones, and "soon" wouldn't come quickly enough.

The hours driving South were one long blur of painful thoughts for me. Guilt, fear for Bella, guessing and second guessing each choice that we could make, and contingency plans filled my mind.

When we got to Seattle, Rosalie called us and said that Victoria had gotten away from her. She'd lost her trail when Victoria went into the Sound near Port Ludlow. As if I didn't have enough to worry me. Now Victoria _and _James were out of our sights.

It was early in the morning though still dark, and we were just South of Seattle when Alice called.

"Carlisle, he's here, or soon will be."

If my heart were beating it would have stopped at her words.

Carlisle immediately took the next exit off the highway intent on getting to SeaTac airport. "What did you see Alice?"

"I saw the same room as before. He was running the TV and VCR again, but it was lighter. Later this morning I would guess, and Bella recognized the picture that I drew. It was her mother's house."

"We're coming right away to take Bella somewhere safe. You and Jasper will need to re-locate nearer to her mother's house." Carlisle's mind was more stressed than I'd ever heard it. "We'll call you as soon as we board the first flight out of Seattle and let you know when to meet us."

If there was more to their conversation, I didn't hear it. My mind was numb. More literally than usual, I was a dead man walking as we got to the airport and bought our tickets. Going through security and the few hours we waited to board the plane felt longer than any other moment of my existence. As anxious as I always felt when I was away from her, adding a sadistic hunter near her location was unbelievably easier for me to think of than the thought of how afraid Bella would be right now.

"Edward," Emmett punched my shoulder. _Close your eyes. People are going to think you're dead just sitting there staring like that. _

I obeyed and closed my eyes, unable to give him any other response, and tried to relax my muscles enough to appear asleep to anyone that looked at me. The hundreds of minds around me buzzed in my brain, a garble of words that I couldn't pay attention to now even if I wanted to listen.

After a span of time that felt much longer than it probably was, Emmett punched my shoulder again.

"Uh, wake up. They're ready to board."

I glanced at the clock on the wall, near the "Terminal B" sign, and read 5:30 amz. Had it only been three and a half hours? I heard Carlisle on the phone with Alice, but none of their conversation registered in my mind.

Carlisle hung up and then stepped forward in the line and I got up to follow him, barely able to keep up the human façade in my numbness. I was too still, too slow to look natural.

My mind was slowly torturing me. I had only brought us both misery. Was love supposed to be so painful?

I slumped into my assigned seat, not bothering to look around and dropped my head into my hands. How many hours till I was near her again? It didn't matter. Knowing how much time was left would not make living through these hours less painful.

I would always love her, I knew this beyond any doubt. My entire being had been forever changed by her existence and I would always feel this pain, this torture over her life, of her being hurt, of any separation I endured, but would Bella? Putting her through this torture was even more unendurable than living through it myself, but she wasn't a vampire and couldn't love me as much as I loved her. I could take comfort in that right? That she wasn't suffering as much as I was?

I remembered what she'd said that night on the drive home from Port Angeles. _"It doesn't matter what you are. It's too late." _Then I spoke harshly and made her cry. I wish I hadn't made her cry, but she couldn't understand the kind of love I felt for her. The kind of love and constancy that my kind always felt. We didn't change, yet humans change all the time. I'd never seen the kind of love in the minds of any human that I did in vampires. None of my kind fell in love more than once and when we did meet our mates we would die rather than live without them. The stories that Jasper told of the wars in the South were proof of that. The killing would never end because someone would lose a mate and revenge was inevitable, the cycle would continue.

There wasn't, couldn't be a happily ever after for our love story. No matter what I did, I hurt her. In some way I would hurt her. Was picking the lesser of two evils a sin? Could it be considered good to choose a wrong thing just because it wasn't as wrong as something else? But wrong for who? Everything I did needed to be those choices that would be best for Bella. If I loved her less I could be more selfish, but anything less than what was best for her was also unendurable.

"Excuse me sir." The flight attendant said, breaking into my thoughts. "Would you like a drink? A pillow?" _A blanket… a shoulder to cry on… _her thoughts trailed off in a direction that I wasn't willing to pay attention to. I glared up at her. _Oh, he looks so sad. _I saw myself through her mind, surprised at how sorry she suddenly was for me, and realized how terrible I looked. No wonder Carlisle and Emmett kept eyeing me, afraid I'd fly apart at any moment.

"No, thank you," I said to her, trying to make my voice sound more friendly.

"Just let me know if you need anything." _I wonder if it was his mother, or sister, some close relative or friend for sure. _I closed my eyes and leaned my head back pretending to fall asleep and wondered vaguely what she meant. _The hardest time for them is when they are traveling to a funeral._

I felt my face twist up at the shock of her words and had to turn my face toward the window. It was true, it could happen too easily, too quickly.

No, I had to calm down. I wasn't going to a funeral, she was fine. She was with Jasper and Alice. She would be safe, just afraid. I just needed to take her away from there. Somewhere James wouldn't think of looking for her. It was sick and wrong for me to be glad of an excuse to stay with her when I was the cause of this danger, but I could endure anything if I could only be near her.

I wanted to comfort her, to hold her in my arms and know that she was safe. Safe from anything that could ever hurt her. The irony of Bella being truly safe in that position was not lost of me. I was still more of a danger to her than any other. Ours was the most excruciating of love stories. No fictional story, no matter how outlandish, could ever come close to expressing the depth of my love for her combined with the fear and turmoil that I felt at the thought of seeing her hurt and especially of being the one to hurt her.

I remembered the piercing scream that involuntarily tore through Bella's throat when I was driving her truck, when Emmett jumped in the back and she'd thought it was James. That scream, so often I had expected and even wished to hear her scream and run away from me, yet actually hearing her scream in fear was more terrifying to me than almost anything else. I imagined her terror and that scream rang in my mind.

I couldn't stand the thought of her being afraid. _We will be there soon. _I kept telling myself. She'll be fine, just afraid and worried.

I pictured how we would be getting off the plane, going through the airport, and finally I would see her on the other side of security waiting for me. I would go to her and she would melt into my arms and we would both be whole again.

_Soon. _I told myself.

I needed to be calm when I saw her again. My morose thoughts wouldn't help Bella when I was near her again. I began to listen to the trivial thoughts around me just as a distraction. Realizing then that we were beginning the descent, I shuffled through the minds around me and below me, searching for Alice or Jasper.

_Where did I put that?_

_ Wow, 15 minutes early. That's a first._

_ I wonder if the dog is all right._

_ Was that gate 18?_

_ They don't even give out peanuts anymore!_

_ My I.D.?_

_ Where's a bathroom when you want one?_

_ Italian sounds good right about now…_

_ Oh, we're finally here…_

I kept searching for the proverbial needle in a haystack as I listened to each of the hundreds of buzzing thoughts swarming in my mind. We landed and the plane was taxiing around the run-way as I kept searching. So many mundane thoughts, I wasn't sure if my previous occupation had been better for my sanity than this. At least it was keeping me from depressing myself more. I would see her soon and everything would be fine.

_Toothpaste… baby formula… Yuck, where is that burp rag?_

_ I'm never going to wear a shirt with metal snaps again…_

_ These are so expensive, but she'd really like it…_

_ He has my mom… _I'd found Jasper. He was reading something. A note from Bella. _… Don't be angry with Alice and Jasper. If I get away from them it will be a miracle. _As Jasper read the note I began to feel the horror in his mind. _And please, please don't come after him. That's what he wants, I think. I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you. Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me. I love you. Forgive me. Bella._

Barely able to control my voice, I turned to Carlisle across the isle from me and said, "She's gone to find him."

Did anyone catch the missing day? I did have to stay true to cannon of course in the little that she provided about what they did, BUT had to take out a day because the way she wrote it wasn't logical. I know I know.. but after much hair loss as I pulled it out while trying to MAKE it work the way she left it.. it just had to be done. If you have issues you can write to me and I'll explain all the reasons further. Anyway, I'm hoping that I kept the "feeling" of the chapter right. The tension and the "feel" of the time line the same for Edward as it felt to Bella in Twilight. It was all difficult to write because I was practically having a heart attack writing it.. then when I read it through to edit it I was freaking out AGAIN and I knew what would happen for goodness sake! But, that's how Stephanie Meyer's writing makes me feel. The pacing is so good and I really wanted to get that same feel here. So, what did you think? Any hyperventilation while reading it? ;]


	12. Hide and seek 23

As always, all things Twilight are the property of Stephenie Meyer, no copy right infringement or offense is meant by this chapter or any previous chapters.

And now... here comes the chapter of all chapters! The culmination, the climax of Edwards love story with Bella. I was practically having a heart attack as I was writing this... and then again as I read back over it for editing purposes... and actually, the next two times I read through this to correct things or read over my husbands shoulder as he edited it...yeah, more hyperventilating ensued. Crazy. ;]

**Hide-and-Seek - 23**

_ What? She's not here? _

_ She went to find James? _Carlisle was almost as shocked as Emmett.

I nodded, unable to say more.

_Why would she do that? _

_ How did she know where to go…?_

Their questions swirled around my mind as my own did, but the "whys" didn't matter; all I could think about was how to find her.

_What could I do?_

"Please keep your seatbelt on until the plane has come to a complete stop," the bored voice came over the speakers.

Suddenly, I felt like ripping the side of the plane off. I could leave the seatbelt on if they wanted, but it wouldn't be staying in the plane or attached to the seat.

_Whoa, Edward, calm down. _Emmett was looking at me, and I saw my own crazed-looking face through his mind. _It's all right-they'll know where she's gone and we'll find them. _My fists were shaking as I tried to control myself.

_ Yes, we'll find _them_, but in what condition?_

_Edward, _Carlisle looked pointedly at me, _find Alice and Jasper again and concentrate. We need to know as much as possible so we can act immediately. _

I made myself concentrate and found Alice easily.

_ No, no! I should have been more careful. "Has the plane landed yet?" _Alice asked Jasper. I wondered why she didn't know. Alice was never taken by surprise.

_"I think so." _They couldn't see any of the planes from where they were outside of security, but Jasper was looking at the reader board of the flights. Our flight had come early - at 9:30 a.m.

_ It's my fault. I should have stayed with her. How could she do this? _Alice's thoughts were in turmoil and she kept chanting one thing … _The future can change… the future can change… _but she didn't believe it.

Then I saw the vision that she'd been trying to hold back, that kept repeating itself in her mind and had kept her from knowing if we'd arrived yet: The room that she'd described before, long rectangular, with floor length mirrors paneling the walls all around the room. The gold stripe, a metal bar followed the length of the mirrors, and against the left wall, crumpled on the floor was Bella. Shattered glass was scattered under and over her from the broken mirror that she was pressed against. Her blood stained the shards of glass and the wooden floor. Her leg was bent at an odd angle, and her hair was matted with blood, tangled over the glass. Her arm was flopped over her face, dried blood striped her arm, and she was perfectly still.

"We have to hurry," I said through my teeth. The future _would _change.

Emmett and Carlisle nodded. As soon as the plane fully stopped, we were out of our seats and to the exit before the other passengers had time to stretch.

_Well, someone's in a hurry._

"Thank you for flying…" an attendant started to say as we hurried past but stopped speaking when she saw my determined expression.

"This way." I motioned to Carlisle and Emmett. We wove our way through the crowds. Most people stepped quickly out of Emmett's way, thinking he looked like a bulldog intent on terrorism. I listened for Jasper's mind again. He felt us coming and just as we were drawing closer a security guard watched our expressions and saw that we had no luggage and became suspicious. He didn't come toward us, however, and I led Carlisle and Emmett farther to the right through a group of white-capped tourists.

Alice's eyes were frantic, even with Jasper trying to calm her down. Jasper and Alice both were apologizing in their minds, blaming themselves, but there was no time. I couldn't feel angry-I couldn't feel anything yet except the need to hurry. We would get there in time. She would _not _die because of me.

We hurried up to them, and Alice started to say, "Edward, I'm sorry…" she choked on the words.

"There's no time," I said. "Do you know the address?"

_Fifty-eighth street and Cactus. _They remembered in unison.

"Let's go."

The five of us hurried as quickly as we dared to the glass exit doors. "Where did you park?"

"In the garage," Jasper said.

_Not fast enough! _"Carlisle, Alice? Get the car and meet us there." I ordered, frustrated at the sunlight forcing us to stay in the shadow under the walkway. "Jasper?" I raised an eyebrow, and he intuitively knew what I was thinking as I nodded toward the only car near us in the shade that we stood in. A man and woman stepped from the car, leaving it running. She was just dropping him off because she was late for a meeting. He opened the trunk, pulled out his luggage, and then closed the trunk.

She turned to him ready to give him a quick kiss good bye. _Such a silly ritual, I need to hurry, but he'd be angry if I didn't kiss him goodbye._

Immediately, Jasper created waves of affection and passion that wrapped around them as they kissed. Their thoughts were no longer coherent as the peck turned into a very distracted French kiss.

Taking advantage of the moment, we quickly got into their car and stole away.

_What a way to go. _Emmett thought from the back seat. _I bet the guy won't even mind that we took his car. Not that he'll notice for another five minutes at least. _Emmett chuckled quietly.

I drove quickly through the airport, easily avoiding pedestrians as I carefully listened to the minds of everyone we passed. Alice and Carlisle were behind a few cars in the line waiting to pay and exit the garage. I saw the vision in Alice's mind again. Nothing had changed. We needed to move faster. Any advantage that I could take while we drove could be that one extra second that meant saving her life or being too late.

"Jasper, look at a map for me and pick the fastest route," I directed. He easily found a map in the glove compartment and scanned it.

I saw the first turn that we should take in his mind and tore through the intersection, barely turning left before the light turned red. I memorized the route through Jasper's mind and quickly wove between cars, their horns blaring only when we were blocks ahead.

_Why did she do this? How could she think that offering herself to James would help anyone? Her note had said that she couldn't bear it if I got hurt, but she didn't- couldn't understand that it was impossible for me to let James live if he hurt her, and it was also impossible for me to continue existing if she was not alive. _Sacrificing herself would mean nothing in the end. A wasted life.

I couldn't endure that. I sped through a red light, dodging the cars coming toward us on either side and wondered if that one choice would be enough to get me there in time to stop him.

Alice and Carlisle were now a few miles behind us, catching up slightly, as they also ignored all traffic rules. I saw the vision in Alice's mind again, still no difference.

"We're not moving fast enough," I said as despair washed over me I sped up even more, dogging cars and bumping into others as I wove my way through traffic and farther ahead. Horns blared far behind us like warning beacons in my mind, pushing me onward with their sound waves.

I had never fully thought what I would do without her. If she chose another, I knew I would just continue to love her from a distance, but if she died now (or in old age,) I knew I could not continue to exist if she wasn't in the world. I glanced at Jasper, his face was twisted in pain as he felt the despair and fear that churned inside of me and knew that he wouldn't help me. Emmett wouldn't agree to help me end my life either. _The Volturi might be the only way. I could provoke them in some way and then they would have to kill me to abide by the law. It could work._

No, I wouldn't think of that now. Bella _would _be all right. I couldn't let her die like this, all because of me. It was always my fault. No matter what I did, I hurt her, but I could fix it if I could only get there in time.

_The future could change. I've seen it happen. _

I would _make_ it change. I played bumper cars with anything too close to me and tried to hurry even more. Taking a chance on a short-cut that I'd memorized from the map, I drove on the wrong side of the multi-lane road for an instant. The tires squealed as I turned onto a side street.

Alice was still a few miles behind us, close enough for me to read her, and suddenly I saw that the vision did change. Bella was still crumpled quiet and bloody on the shards of glass, but James was leaning over her. It was altering, I was getting closer and wracked my brain for any other short cut that I could take to save another second.

One second meant her life or death.

We were almost there, three more miles before the turn onto the residential street and then the ballet studio.

_Ah, I hope she runs at least. _

I could hear him and see through his eyes that Bella wasn't dead. His view of her and thoughts were a sickening reminder of the rapist in Port Angeles that had wanted Bella to scream and run so he could chase her. James crouched down and leered at Bella's terrified expression. Waiting patiently for her to run.

I felt sick as the anger churned in the pit of my stomach.

And she did run.

James rejoiced, leaping over her, and punched her sternum-he grinned, euphoric at the crunching sound. Bella flew backwards and crashed into the mirrored wall. Shattered particles rained down on top of her, and she crumpled to the ground, gasping.

"NO!" I roared.

Jasper jumped as the jolt of emotion vibrated through him.

"He's hurting her. We've got to move faster!"

I bumped into the car ahead of me pushing it forward and squeezed the banged up stolen car through the traffic and up onto the sidewalk.

_"I thought this room would be visually dramatic for my little film. That's why I picked this place to meet you. It's perfect, isn't it?" _He chuckled as he saw Bella pathetically crawling through the glass trying to get to the door, and then he was leaning over her, stomping down on her leg.

I roared deafeningly in the small space. A red tinge covered my vision. Jasper momentarily grabbed the steering wheel, knowing the state I was in, and dodged the mailbox that I could barely see.

Bella screamed. A piercing shriek of fear and agony tearing from her throat.

James grinned. _Ah, it's so dramatic when they scream. _"Would you like to rethink your last request?" He nudged her broken leg and was delighted to hear her scream again. "Wouldn't you rather have Edward try to find me?"

"No!" she gasped, her voice shaking. "No, Edward, don't-" He back-handed her mouth, and her head slammed into the broken mirror.

A growl tore from my throat, and I dodged a hydrant on the sidewalk, breaking down a picket fence as I skidded around the corner of 58th Street.

James breathed in Bella's scent and watched the blood gushing from the back of her head-in a few minutes he wouldn't be able to resist feeding.

I spotted the ballet studio and slammed the gas peddle to the floor. The car launched up the curb, skidding over the grass and walkway to the front door.

"Hold your breath, she's bleeding!" I said and yanked on the emergency break, ripping the door from the car as I jumped out and ran inside.

James was leaning over her just as I saw in the vision, but he was too focused to realize quickly enough that I was behind him. I pulled him off of her. Pinning his arms behind his back, I handed him over to Jasper and Emmett. Both were growling at him, horrified at what he'd done to Bella. They took him out of the room to kill him, so that Bella's blood wouldn't tempt them.

As much as I wanted to kill him myself, nothing else mattered at that moment except Bella. My only love was broken and bleeding at my feet, not making a sound, not even able to scream in pain.

"Oh no, Bella, no!" I yelled, forgetting the anger as grief filled me. Her eyes were closed, and she didn't move. _Was she breathing?_ I couldn't tell, and I didn't know what to do.

Emmett and Jasper were tearing James apart. The crunching and snapping sound of his limbs, his shrieks and growls, were no relief to me. I couldn't find the energy to relish his death or even care, because Bella was dying.

"Bella, please!" I fell to the floor beside her. "Bella, listen to me, please, please, Bella, please!" I begged her, on my knees, groveling beside her and trying to see if she was breathing - if she was conscious at all. She didn't move, didn't sigh, not even a groan escaped her lips.

I was too late.

Dry heaving sobs shook my throat.

Suddenly, I heard Carlisle and Alice coming. _Carlisle. _"Carlisle!" _He could help her. She has to live! _

"Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" I rocked forward and back as the tearless sobs tore a hole through the lump in my chest; my greatest fear lay before me, rending my heart and mind into shreds.

Gasping, my voice shook as I called her again, "Bella!" I choked, but she couldn't answer.

She lay perfectly still.

"She's lost some blood, but the head wound isn't deep." Carlisle spoke methodically as he examined her wounds, feeling along her head and arms for broken bones, "Watch out for her leg," he said as he looked her over. "It's broken."

Involuntarily, a fierce growl strangled my sobs and rage blurred my vision, but I would not leave her side to get at James. There was still a chance, Bella could be all right.

Carlisle felt along her torso, and she winced. "Some ribs, too, I think." _She will live Edward. Her injuries are extensive, but not life-threatening. _

_I saw her move! She is going to be all right. She has to be. _

"Edward," Bella said, sounding as if she were coming out of a deep sleep.

"Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella?" Her eyes still weren't open. "I love you." I choked on the words. How could she ever believe that was true after this?

"Edward," she said again, sounding more awake.

"Yes, I'm here."

"It hurts," she whimpered, her lower lip shook, breaking my heart again as I felt helpless to ease her pain.

"I know, Bella, I know." I turned to Carlisle, the anguish of my face reflected in his eyes. "Can't you _do_ anything?"

"My bag, please… Hold your breath, Alice, it will help."

"Alice?" Bella groaned.

"She's here-she knew where to find you." I had no idea how I could thank Alice for her knowledge-if we'd been two seconds later… I couldn't think of it. She would be okay.

"My hand hurts," her lips shook in a whimper again, and she closed her eyes even tighter.

Carlisle injected her with morphine. _The pain will go away in a minute, Edward. She will live._

"I know, Bella. Carlisle will give you something - it will stop."

Suddenly Bella's eyes flew open, terror filling them, and she screamed, "My hand is burning!"

"Bella?" I asked in alarm. _What is wrong now? Why isn't the morphine working?_

"The fire!" She shrieked, her head whipping from side to side. "Someone stop the fire!"

"Carlisle!" I panicked, looking at her hand as her fingers grasped the air, clawing at nothing. "Her hand!"

Carlisle saw the crescent-shaped bite on her hand and gasped. "He bit her." His calm methodical attitude disappeared as he became appalled at the realization.

Alice envisioned Bella writhing and shrieking in pain for too many days, and then of me infecting Bella even more so that my venom would change her more quickly. I was horrified of either possibility. Poison her more, or let her burn longer. Was that the only choice?

"Edward, you have to do it." Alice brushed the tears that now streamed from Bella's eyes.

"No!" I bellowed. There _had _to be another choice. I couldn't bear to poison her or the thought of taking her soul away, yet if I didn't I was still responsible. Everything that James did to her was all because of me. My mind was in anguish. I could so easily kill her and finish what he started.

"Alice?" Bella moaned, her voice rough with the burning pain.

"There may be a chance," Carlisle said as he pulled mirror shards from the wound in her scalp.

"What?" I begged, desperate for something, anything that would ease her pain.

"See if you can suck the venom back out. The wound is fairly clean."

I was momentarily frozen- I couldn't do that. I was already worried that if I tasted her blood by infecting her more I'd kill her, but to actually drink some of it…. _How could I stop?_

"Will that work?" Alice asked, her visions of Bella fluctuating with every possibility of Bella's life, death, change, pain, agony. I couldn't watch the visions anymore.

"I don't know," Carlisle said and then looked at me. "But we have to hurry."

"Carlisle, I…." I choked on the words as I imagined killing her myself. "I don't know if I can do that." It was more agonizing than seeing all that James did to her, leaving her broken, crushed everywhere-it was more painful to realize that _I _could finish the job that he started.

"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand." He worked quickly on her wounds, getting all the shards away and then holding a compress to the open gashes.

Watching Bella twist and writhe in the agony that only grew worse, I saw her broken leg move unnaturally as she arched her back and screamed, her eyes tightly shut again. I was a monster for not doing anything, but if I tried to drink the poison out and killed her myself, I would prove to be the demon that I'd always known was in me. How could I endure _that_ torture?

Suddenly, she shrieked, "Edward!" her voice tore at the threads of my argument, ripping my indecision in two. I had to decide now, but how could I? Her eyes flew open, and the deep pools of brown, searched for my face. She stared at me, agony burning in the depths of her eyes, and I was looking into her soul. Every guard that she'd held up, hiding her feelings from me were suddenly gone, leaving only herself and the truth of who she was shining from her eyes, boring into my own.

And they were full of torture.

"Alice, get me something to brace her leg!" Carlisle was trying to hold her head still to stop the bleeding, but he didn't want to hurt her further as she involuntarily jerked back and forth. "Edward, you must do it now, or it will be too late."

Even through her screams and twitching, Bella's eyes never left my own, and I knew I couldn't let her change like this; I couldn't let my own weakness rule my life. The depth of her brown eyes would not be lost forever in the unreadable hellish red of our eternal death.

_I have to try._

Locking my jaw, I held my breath and swallowed the venom in my mouth till it was perfectly dry. I took her hand firmly in my own and pressed my lips over the wound, keeping my teeth away from her skin, I pulled the warm, tainted blood from her hand.

She writhed and screamed even more as I drank in her blood.

The venom hardly made her blood less than perfect. It was more desirable than I'd imagined, filling every fiber of my being as if the melody in the orchestration of my existence had been missing. Low harmonies, high descants, and the rhythms of the symphony that made me who I was had never before realized that the one thing, the core to my existence, the melody of this orchestral music, had been missing.

Bella's blood, her life force, the essence of her immortal soul filled me. It swirled around my tongue and felt as if it could knit a soul inside my hollow chest.

No other ecstasy could compare with this. No heaven could be as wondrous. I had never experienced anything that made me feel so perfectly complete, so close to the eternal life that was forever barred for me in my eternal damnation.

Eternal life-that's what I was tasting. That's what I was robbing from Bella. My only love held the eternal life that I was experiencing (stealing from her) but I couldn't stop. I could still taste the venom and had to get it all out of her. She began to relax, growing quiet as I drew the poison from her veins.

Then, surprisingly, unbearably sweeter than the already perfect taste of her blood, the venom was completely gone, and for one brief instant, the taste of her perfection reached impossibly above what it had a moment ago. It was, for that moment, experiencing infinity, pure beauty, the essence of light, and all things good rolled into a single drop of her pure blood-

And I pulled back, forcing myself to walk away from heaven and back into the flames of hell, just as I began to taste the morphine in her blood.

She would live; she would stay human.

"Edward," she said more quietly than a whisper.

I couldn't answer her yet, my jaw was clamped shut to keep myself from drinking more, and Alice answered for me. "He's right here, Bella."

"Stay, Edward, stay with me…"

"I will," I forced myself to say through the strain of resisting the frenzy that threatened to break my control and the pure joy that I felt at her words. She wanted me to stay with her, she still was choosing me, even after all she'd been through. The torture from James was all my fault, and even after I almost killed her myself, she still wanted me with her. The purity and perfection of her blood was not a random chance, it was the essence of her unselfish and loving soul. I could never deserve such an angel, yet she wanted me.

Bella sighed and her beautiful brown eyes, peaceful and sleepy now, gently closed. Her face was relaxed as a smile turned the corners of her lips.

"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked.

"Her blood tastes clean," I said quietly, no longer needing to keep my jaw locked. "I can taste the morphine." I still held her hand in my own, unable to let go of her.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked.

Her eyes fluttered. "Mmmmm?"

"Is the fire gone?"

"Yes," she sighed again. "Thank you, Edward."

"I love you," I said, knowing that was the one and only reason I was able to save her.

"I know," she mumbled.

She finally realized how much I loved her-there was too much irony in my life for me to process right now. I chuckled quietly, too relieved for any other reaction.

"Bella?" Carlisle said again.

She frowned adorably. "What?" she asked sleepily.

"Where is your mother?"

"In Florida," she said, "He tricked me, Edward. He watched our videos." Her anger so often endearing to me, only made me sad, watching her in this pitiful state. "Alice." Her eyes rolled as she fought her heavy lids. "Alice, the video - he knew you, Alice, he knew where you came from."

Alice looked around the room and saw the video camera. As her eyes narrowed, her mind filled with curiosity and wary surprise.

"I smell gasoline." Bella's head lolled to one side as she coughed slightly.

"It's time to move her," Carlisle said. _We need to get her to fresh air._

"No, I want to sleep," she complained, the pucker appearing between her closed eyes.

"You can sleep, sweetheart. I'll carry you," I soothed and gently picked her up, cradling her into my chest. I was aware of each broken rib and the bandage Carlisle had wrapped around her head, her splint leg, and held her with the same care that I would use to caress a soap bubble. Each of her wounds tore pieces of my mind apart, but she would be all right. _She would heal. _The relief that I felt as I thought the words over and over again was indescribable

I leaned down putting my lips close to her ear and whispered, "Sleep now, Bella," and began to sing her lullaby as she relaxed completely into my arms.


	13. Introspections 24

This chapter is all of my own made up dialog and everything because Bella was unconscious and you know that Edward couldn't just skip over this time! The rights still belong to Stephanie Meyer of course because this is her story and characters.

You might remember in chapter 13 how I had Edward find a book in Bella's room called "Sophie's Word" well... in my own head at least, Bella got it from her mom who was going to take a college class on philosophy (a thing she was into and quickly changed her mind about) so, she gives the book to Bella since she doesn't want it anymore and Edward doesn't know that Bella hasn't read it. I threw it in there originally as just a random tidbit for extra interest and this chapter has him reading the book mainly because I wanted him to be in a deep thinking mood, and *shrug* why not? Also, it annoyed me slightly that whenever anyone did Edwards point of view they didn't have him go any deeper into his beliefs or ponderings than "I don't want her to loose her soul" ... this is the easiest to explain, but you've GOT to realize that he's thinking a LOT more about all this and what the ramifications are. He doesn't understand a lot of things now and he's learning to be humble... being unsure is a new thing for him I think and he has a lot of thoughts to work through. (Of course, Midnight Sun is just the beginning of his journey, but hopefully you all will be able to understand his choices in the rest of the books as well by reading this...)

So, yeah... be prepared for him to think a bit too much. I have my own thoughts about these things, but hopefully what I wrote is more what he might have been thinking and not what's going on in my own brain. ;] It took a lot of thought to dig under what might have gone through his mind. Hope you enjoy!

**Introspections - 24**

_We only have a few minutes to leave before someone is going to see the smoke and call the fire department. _Alice thought and then turned to Jasper, "In one minute, the clouds will be over the sun for almost an hour before coming back out. You and Emmett should get to the airport and fly back as soon as you can get a flight out of here."

Jasper nodded to her as he finished sprinkling the gasoline around the room getting ready to set it on fire.

Alice was cradling the video camera in her arms, wondering when she should watch it and what other things we needed to do to hide or fabricate evidence.

"Not yet, Alice, but soon," I said quietly, carrying Bella outside.

Alice nodded and then followed us outside as she now saw a vision of how I would be watching the recording with her.

Fortunately, there was enough shade from the trees and privacy from the shrubbery to block us from the view of any neighbors.

"Did you have to rip the door off, Edward?" Emmett asked, and chuckled as he put the door back on the car, pinching the metal hinges as best as he could to re-attach it. He easily made it look like whoever drove it just ran into something rather than ripping it off from the inside out.

"Yes," I said looking down at Bella's peaceful sleeping face, "Yes, I did actually."

Jasper had already siphoned all the gas from the stolen car and finished spreading it around the ballet studio. The euphoria and relief that he sensed from all of us along with Emmett's excited satisfaction was a welcome relief for him, and he was enjoying his job now. "I'm going to light the last of it," he said. "You'd better get going before someone calls the cops."

Alice put her fingers to her temples and held still for a moment as she concentrated on the weather and when the fire department would show up. "After we drive away, light the last of it and leave around the back. No one will see you there and you will have exactly…" She paused a moment to concentrate. "You'll have 48 minutes with the sun behind the clouds to get to the airport." She looked up and smiled easily. "That should be plenty of time."

We all knew that it wouldn't be a good idea for Emmett and Jasper to stay here as well. Three vampires around Bella and coming in and out of a hospital were enough of a problem.

They nodded and waited for us to go to the car.

Jasper bounced Emmett's excitement back at him, and their eyes were gleaming with the thoughts of torching a building. I was too relieved to feel the guilt or annoyance that I should right now. Knowing it would come soon enough, I actually let myself smile along with them.

I listened to the minds nearest us to see if anyone was paying attention. A few older people were watching TV, but other than that, there weren't many people even near us. I was very grateful that it was spring break; most of the nearby population was off enjoying their vacation. Fewer possible witnesses made this much easier.

"No one will see us," I said.

Carlisle got to the Mercedes first, and Alice sat beside him in the front. I held Bella carefully across my lap in the back of the car. No ambulance ride could have been safer or more comfortable for her.

As we drove, Alice and Carlisle discussed what hospital to go to and which had the closest hotel nearby. I barely listened to their plans as I simply stared at Bella's face.

Quietly sleeping, she was finally in my arms again.

So many hours of worry, the torture that I'd felt from the distance, and now I was holding her. I knew I didn't deserve the relief that I felt. I shouldn't feel this good right now, not after all I'd put her through, but I couldn't help it. She was alive, soul intact, and she'd wanted me to stay. Regardless of the future - or perhaps because of how things could change in the future - I let myself simply enjoy this moment. I stared at the curve of her nose, perfect and delicate, the soft skin of her cheeks, too pale at the moment - but still beautiful. I stared at her resting eyelids that I had so often watched as she slept, wondering what she was dreaming or thinking about. I very gently traced her forehead with one fingertip, hardly touching her as I traced down her nose and around her lips.

_I had almost lost her… almost lost my reason for existing. _

Nothing could be more painful than that, and nothing could match the joy that I felt now that I knew she would live.

Smiling at the relief that this thought brought, I immediately felt guilty for feeling so good. It wasn't right for me to be happy when she was in pain. She shouldn't have been hurt to begin with, and I knew it was all my fault. Just for this one moment, I would let myself rejoice.

When Carlisle and I were at the hospital with Bella, Alice went to the unlucky hotel that they'd chosen as the scene of the accident. It was only a few miles from the hospital, which was a relief for me since I wasn't allowed in the room with Bella as they examined her injuries. I partly kept watch of Bella through the minds of the nurses, but I could also distract myself with Alice's gleeful thoughts.

She had fun throwing herself down the two flights of stairs and out a window to fabricate the evidence for Bella's accident. Alice had even taken a rag that she'd used to mop up the pool of blood on the floor of the ballet studio and rung out the blood onto the broken glass of the window and shards of glass on the ground. I hadn't noticed at the time that she'd mopped up Bella's blood, but Alice would have foreseen the need of it. The evidence that Alice constructed would have fooled any detective, lawyer, jury, and judge. I felt a little sorry for the manager of the hotel who was about to experience a rise in blood pressure when he considers the possibility of a lawsuit on his hands.

After Alice was done creating the evidence, she went to change her torn clothing, and I stopped watching through her mind. Now there was nothing to distract me from the guilt that I felt as I saw Bella's injuries through the minds of the nurses.

_Poor thing… _

_ … can't imagine how anyone could be that clumsy…_

_ These will leave a few good scars…_

Carlisle had already explained to them how she had been hurt. Well, the cover story of how she was injured that is. Letting go of her so that they could take her away had been too painful for me. I couldn't have modulated my voice to relay the story to them even if I'd wanted to. Carlisle had seen my expression and quickly took charge.

They welcomed his help and had easily brushed me aside.

Bella was on a stretcher waiting to be X-rayed now. I was grateful that they allowed Carlisle to stay with her since I wouldn't be allowed near her until she was X-rayed, plastered, and they were done with the blood transfusion. The joy that I'd allowed myself to feel at her being alive was quickly turning into guilt and torture over all the injuries and months of recovery that she would have to endure because of me.

I had worried about the bite mark that James left, but no one saw it for what it was, and it too was simply cleaned and wrapped in gauze like all her other wounds.

Alice was just parking the car in the hospital's parking garage when she called Renee and Charlie. Renee would be on the next flight here. It took Alice a while to calm her down enough to ease the panic in her voice, and Charlie would probably never forgive me for being the cause of Bella leaving him. The reason for her leaving Forks was different from what Charlie believed of course, but his assessment of who to blame was quite accurate. I was oddly grateful that someone was angry at me beside myself. My family loved me too much to put the blame where it belonged. Anything that Charlie says to me, when we get back, will be a well deserved penance.

By the time Alice was sitting next to me in the hospital waiting room, I was beyond impatient. "It's a good thing she's asleep because they sure aren't being very careful," I whispered, still annoyed from when I had noticed some of the nurses being much more rough with her than I thought necessary.

_They're probably just trying to hurry. They need to hurry anyway so that she can begin healing, right? _"You'll get to be with Bella soon," Alice said and showed me the vision of when I'd be near Bella again, concentrating on the clock so I would know how much time I had to wait. It was still far too long, but I would be patient.

_Anyway, _Alice thought, watching me carefully,_ I haven't watched the video yet. _She was suddenly very concerned. _You don't have to see it if you don't want to you know. _

"No, I need to watch it, Alice." I shook my head, trying to smooth the anxiety and anger I felt twisting my every expression.

_ Perhaps this wouldn't be the best place to watch it? _

I nodded and followed her down the elevators and out to where she'd parked the car.

We sat in the back seat as Alice held the camera.

When she turned it on, the empty ballet studio was visible for a second on the tiny screen before Bella ran into the room. She looked around with panic and fear in her eyes as she listened to the hysterical voice of her mother calling her name from the corner of the room. Bella whirled around and saw the TV. Her mother was tousling the hair of a younger Bella on the screen. _"Bella, you scared me! Don't you ever do that to me again!" _And then the screen went blue.

A moment later, James crossed in front of the video camera's view holding a remote and placed it next to the VCR. Bella was watching him cautiously, but the panic and fear were gone from her eyes.

_"Sorry about that, Bella, but isn't it better that your mother didn't really have to be involved in all this?" _His back was toward the camera now.

"_Yes," _she said, relief flooding her features, and I suddenly knew why she'd done it. I already knew how she thought of her mom, so protectively and almost more of the parent than the daughter. It made sense that she would run to save her mother when I tried to see everything from her point of view. I couldn't blame her for that no matter how absurd it was.

_"You don't sound angry that I tricked you."_

_ "I'm not." _The bravery that I could hear in Bella's voice didn't make sense to me. Didn't she care how I would feel if she died?

_"How odd. You really mean it. I will give your strange coven this much, you humans can be quite interesting. I guess I can see the draw of observing you. It's amazing - some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all."_

"He's right about that at least," Alice said, annoyance filling her mind.

James crossed his arms casually, still with his back to the camera. _"I suppose you're going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?" _The hopeful tone in his voice was so obvious that it wasn't an issue that I couldn't see his face or read his mind.

_"No, I don't think so. At least, I asked him not to."_

_ "And what was his reply to that?"  
"I don't know. I left him a letter."_

_ "How romantic… a last letter," _he said, sarcasm coloring the tone of his calm voice._ "And do you think he will honor it?"_

_ "I hope so." _Bella had no idea how futile that hope would have been if I hadn't gotten to her in time.

_"Hmmm. Well, our hopes differ then. You see, this was all just a little too easy, too quick. To be quite honest, I'm disappointed. I expected a much greater challenge. And, after all, I only needed a little luck."_

Bella waited quietly as he continued with his monologue. Her expression didn't change, and I couldn't read what she might be thinking as he explained his strategy, how he'd fooled all of us. I remembered how he'd followed us to Canada and the few things that I'd been able to catch in his mind. We had all thought that it wouldn't be a problem to fool him, to lead him away from Bella, and now all of those plans seemed incredibly feeble and ludicrous.

Listening to him explain his logic and how he'd gone to her house and watched all her home movies, of how he only needed that little bit of luck - Bella being close by - and how Victoria had monitored us as we got on the plane to Phoenix, all of it humbled me.

It was painful in a way to be brought so low, yet it was still less pain than I deserved. I was so used to being confident, to being sure of what was right or wrong and of the motives and plans of mankind, and even though I'd been able to read his mind, I had made so many mistakes.

Ever since I first met Bella, nothing had made sense in my life. It was as if all those years of my existence, growing wiser and acquiring knowledge, meant nothing- as if I were really just seventeen years old. I realized all the mistakes that I'd made, not just in the last few days, but the entire time that I had known her.

As James spoke of his plans, the thoughts of what we should have done and the things we could have done differentlyrang through my mind. _If I'd paid more attention at the airport in Seattle… if I'd known that Victoria was there, and we'd thrown her off our trail. If we tried to take him out right away instead of driving up to Canada… If I'd never let Bella out of my sight…_ but, it did no good to think of what could have been.

_"…Very easy, you know, not really up to my standards…" _James said, ending the explanation of his strategy and leaving me with a new sense of humility and revulsion for myself.

_"Would you mind very much if I left a little letter of my own for your Edward?" _The tracker stepped back, and Alice and I saw his hand move close to the camera as he widened the angle.

Bella's blank expression turned horrified as she watched him adjust the camera. She looked at it for the first time.

_ "I'm sorry, but I just don't think he'll be able to resist hunting me after he watches this. And I wouldn't want him to miss anything. It was all for him, of course. You're simply a human…" _

I growled involuntarily at his words coming from the harmless camera.

_ "…Who unfortunately was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and indisputably running with the wrong crowd, I might add."_

My mind had been so filled with my own thoughts that I hadn't noticed what Alice was thinking until now. "It wasn't your fault, Alice," I said quietly, and she nodded, saying nothing.

_"Before we begin…" _James said, stepping toward Bella. _"I would just like to rub it in, just a little bit. The answer was there all along, and I was so afraid Edward would see that and ruin my fun." _

Ah, another mistake that I had made and didn't even know about.

_ "It happened once, oh, ages ago. The one and only time my prey escaped me. You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked…" _

Alice gasped.

_ "…and as soon as he freed her, he made her safe. She didn't even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She'd been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier, and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions. In the nineteen-twenties, it was the asylum and the shock treatments." _

Alice was too surprised at his words to have many coherent thoughts.

_ "When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she'd never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then." _James sighed, sounding regretful. _"I destroyed the old one in vengeance."_

"Careful, Alice," I said watching her hand squeeze the camera harder and leaving a small dent on its side.

"I'm glad James is dead," she said, angry thoughts rolling around in her mind. "If he wasn't, I'd have to go after him myself."

_"…So I guess her coven ought to be able to derive some comfort from this experience. I get you, but they get her. The one victim who escaped me, quite an honor, actually. And she did smell so delicious. I still regret that I never got to taste… she smelled even better than you do." _

Alice growled along with me this time.

_ "Sorry - I don't mean to be offensive. You have a very nice smell. Floral, somehow…" _He stepped to Bella and lifted a strand of her hair, sniffing it, then patting it back in place, and stroking her neck. He traced her face with his thumb, and Bella didn't flinch or move at all.

Now I wanted to crush the video camera as I watched him touch her. I wanted to crush _him_, and suddenly, I regretted that he wasn't alive any longer because I wanted to kill him with my own hands.

_"No," _he said and dropped his hand. _"I don't understand. Well, I suppose we should get on with it. And then I can call your friends and tell them where to find you, and my little message." _

Alice turned the camera off. "Allow me," I said taking the camera from her. I flattened it quickly and then ground the metal between my hands before tossing the particles out of the car.

We sat quietly for a time. Alice wondered about her parents and the old vampire. Hurt and confused at what she'd heard, and angry at James for killing the only person who'd cared about her when she was human. It was hard for Alice to think of the past. Her mind was always so taken up with the future that it was more painful in a way for her to learn about this.

I was angry too. Angry for what happened to Alice, of course, but I was mainly thinking of this whole situation.

Suddenly, I was angry with everyone.

I was angry at James especially for wanting to hurt her in the beginning, at Alice and Jasper for letting her out of their sight, even with Carlisle for keeping me from going to her as soon as I'd wanted to, and Bella for running toward the danger.

Yet each person, whether I agreed with their choices or not, was only living out their own story. I couldn't stay mad at Alice and Jasper. Without Alice, we wouldn't have known where to find her, and how could I stay mad at Jasper when I'd felt for myself how highly he regarded her?

Could I continue to be mad at Bella? As crazy as she was, never having any regard for self-preservation, ridiculously brave when she was so breakable, that reckless quality that she possessed had brought her to the point where she could love me, care for me in spite of who I am.

What of James? Yes, I was angry with James and would always regret missing the chance to kill him myself, but he was simply being who he was. The vampire instincts that all my family try so hard to get away from was what was odd - not him. He was living the life that I fought so hard to deny in myself, yet was I any better than him?

How could I stay mad at Carlisle? The man who's vision brought us all to the concept of regarding human life as more precious than our own desires. If it wasn't for Carlisle, Bella would have been dead long ago.

I started to remember what would have come next on the recording. I didn't need to see it since I'd experienced it in his mind, and I couldn't help thinking about it now.

The thing that kept ringing in my head was what Bella had yelled to him as he hurt her, right after he broke her leg. _"No! No, Edward, don't…" _He'd hit her again before she could finish speaking, but her words rang again and again in my mind.

_It had been all my fault. _

She could have been shouting that to me, so that I wouldn't hurt her anymore. It would have been just as true because I'd done it all.

My angerturned to self-revulsion. I could never get away from this. I couldn't truly turn my anger outward or hold anyone else responsible for what I'd done to her. I would never be able to get away from the realization that anything that hurt her was all because of me.

"We should start heading back," Alice said bleakly. "You will get to see Bella soon." _Maybe I'll do some shopping…_

Alice was searching for something to make herself feel better, and I wanted to help. "You know, Carlisle and I left too quickly to pack any suitable clothing. Would you mind getting us some things?" Shopping was Alice's favorite hobby because it was really the only thing that she could do that was a surprise. The search was like a game to her, and finding that perfect item couldn't be foreseen.

"That's a good idea." She smiled, still sad, but grateful for my understanding. "I'll get some flowers or something for Bella's room, too."

We both got out of the backseat, and she got into the driver's seat as I walked back to the elevators. I didn't concentrate on the many thoughts around me as I walked through the hallways to where I knew Carlisle would be.

He had to show me to Bella's room because I couldn't recognize her scent.

The transfusion fouling her heavenly aroma might have been one of the hardest things to handle when I finally saw her. I'd grown so accustomed to her scent that, in a way, it felt as if she didn't exist without it. I couldn't look away from her. Without being able to recognize her in that way, I felt like she would disappear if I wasn't watching her.

The heart monitor quietly and evenly beeped as I took in all the bruises that were beginning to form under her skin. The bruises on her beautiful face, around her lips and the soft skin of her cheeks. I realized that the bruises on her face must have happened when he'd hit her mouth as she yelled _"No, Edward, don't…" _Her voice tore through my mind again as I looked at the bruises around her mouth. I was almost able to see the print from the back of his hand.

_I did that to her._

I counted all the bruises that I could see.

When I got up to fifty-six, the small bruises that were just starting to color, began to spread, blending together as they darkened. Each one, every part of her that was hurt, was because of me.

Fifty-six small bruises were visible on her exposed skin, yet I knew she must have many more under the thin gown. I'd heard in Carlisle's mind that she had four broken ribs and a spiral break in her fibula. The break had been clean, leaving no bone fragments, but I knew that a spiral break meant that more force than usual had created it. How many more bruises were under the plaster on her leg?

_That was all because of me. _

The tubes all around her hands and arms, the oxygen under her nose, the plaster up her broken leg - it was all because of me. I sat down in a chair next to her bed and dropped my face into my hands.

_No, coward, _I told myself, _don't look away from her. _I lifted my head and forced myself to look at Bella again.

She was beautiful.

Even barely alive and covered in injuries, she was like an angel to me. I almost believed I could see her face glowing. I didn't deserve to look at her beauty, yet I shouldn't look away either because I knew that I deserved to see what I'd done to her.

I wished that I could feel every hurt that she'd had to go through and would go through when she awoke. I wished I could be where she was so that she wouldn't hurt at all. I wished that there was someone else who I could blame this on - because the anger and pain that I felt in myself was nearly unbearable.

_Yet I deserve to feel it._

There was really no one to be angry with but myself. What I'd caused in her life by coveting her love and stealing her away from humanity into the supernatural. It had all been my fault. No one had as many near-death experiences as she had, and I'd only known her for a few months.

It was madness to continue like this. To continue to be in her life when every part of my world was such a danger to her - myself the most dangerous of all. The fact that I _didn't _kill her could never negate the very real possibility that I _could. _

Every fear that I'd had, of seeing her hurt, broken….dying, were nothing compared to seeing it come true.

To hear her scream, _"No Edward, don't!" _as I couldn't help but remember over and over again in my infallible memory, was excruciating. Yet, all of that, seeing it happen and her screaming and then after I pulled James off of her, to see her laying broken and bleeding on the floor, not even able to cry out in pain - all of that was nothing, _nothing_ to the fact that when I was drinking her blood, pulling the venom from her system, I could have killed her right then.

_I almost didn't stop. What if I hadn't? What if something like this happened again, and I wouldn't be able to stop next time? _

I groaned.

There _never_ would be a next time.

_I couldn't let anything or anyone come close to hurting her ever again. Not even myself._

Unconscious of the time elapsing, I just sat and watched her, wishing that I could torture myself instead of seeing her lying broken before me in this little room.

It must have been much later that night, possibly after dark when Carlisle came into the room. I'd heard him now and again as he helped around the hospital. They were short one doctor, and even if they hadn't been, they would have welcomed any help Carlisle could give.

Seeing myself through his eyes, I knew I would need to clean up before Bella's mother came. The agony on my face and blood on my clothes would surely frighten her.

"Alice wanted me to give you these," he said and handed me the new clothes that Alice got on her shopping trip. I took them quietly and went into the little bathroom off of Bella's room to change.

_Alice is talking to Renee right now, and they will be here soon. _His mind was filled with concern as he remembered the expression on my face when he first came into the room.

I changed quickly and came back out, throwing my old clothes in the trash. "I'm all right," I said, trying to make my voice believable.

"This wasn't your fault, Edward."

"Wasn't it?"

"Sometimes these things happen." I raised my eyebrows at his words, but he continued. "You don't know what good can come from this, from your love for Bella." He put a hand on my shoulder and reminded me as he always did, "Have faith, son."

I nodded even through my doubts. I could never doubt that Carlisle was sure of what he believed and sincere in his advice to me, but I doubted that I would ever fully understand or agree with him. What good could come out of this?

Just then, I heard Alice's mind as she came closer and opened the door.

Renee was with her, and at first, she only saw Bella. Running to the side of the bed, her hands fluttered over Bella's body, a strong desire in her mind to comfort her, but she didn't know what to do. Images of when Bella was a baby and bruising her knees came into her mind - and thoughts of when she would hold her and bandage her sores. All those motherly concerns flooded her mind, and she turned to Carlisle who she'd already met.

"She will be all right?" she asked, a pucker appearing between her eyebrows, the same expression that Bella always had when she was concerned. "She's not in a coma or anything?" Her voice suddenly turned to the same panic that we'd heard on the video.

"No, they just have her heavily sedated so she can heal, and yes, of course she will be all right," Carlisle reassured her and smiled. "It could have happened to anyone."

"Well, I don't know about that." Renee laughed halfheartedly as scenes flickered through her mind of all the clumsy moments Bella had growing up and all the times when she'd taken her to the emergency room for some injury.

As I watched Renee from across the room and listened to her mind, I wasn't surprised to find that I couldn't quite hear all the words in her thoughts. Just like Charlie, there was something unique about her brain that had made Bella who she was, so silent to me, yet there was something more that I noticed. Renee's thoughts were so open, clear in an almost child-like way. Most people saw the world around them as if they were in a fog. They would see detail but not take it in. Not being able to distinguish between one person with dark hair from another person with dark hair, for instance, because they wouldn't look closely at all the other features and differences. Usually, most people were too caught up in what they would say next to notice what was being said around them. Renee seemed to see everything. Charlie's mind was like a great swell of strong emotions-his view of the world was foggy and rolled with his own perceptions and beliefs that colored everything.

Renee's emotions were strong but very different than Charlie. She didn't hold onto anything like he did. The emotions and thoughts that she had were so fleeting that I wondered how she could make a decision on anything. Very much like a child who changes their mind at every moment and who would get hurt at the slightest offense.

"Thank you so much for taking care of her." She smiled at Carlisle and turned to Alice. "And for calling me, I don't know what we would have done without your help."

When she turned to me, she looked slightly wary. "And this must be your… son?" She looked closely at me, much the same way that Bella did, as if she saw too much. "Charlie told me that you were the reason Bella left Forks."

"Yes, in a manner of speaking," I said, hanging my head. "I felt terrible that she left like that, and I came here to convince Bella to come back." I looked into Renee's eyes. "I'm very sorry that she was hurt," I said sincerely.

_He loves her. _Renee's thoughts surprised me. She was so sure. Everything was simplified in her mind when it came to other people, yet she quickly thought of Bella and how young she was. Her mind slipped back into the wordless pictures after that one clear thought.

While Renee talked to Carlisle again about how Bella was hurt, seeming to need to hear the story all over in more detail so she fully understood, she was very conscious of how young Carlisle looked. It was quite normal for his looks to elicit a romantic interest from women, but Renee seemed different. She simply noticed the fact. She saw that he was young but accepted that he was knowledgeable and was grateful for his help. It was very interesting to be near Bella's mother, seeing how Renee's mind and Charlie's could create her, but I still didn't understand why Bella's mind was completely silent to me.

"We should probably be saying goodnight," Carlisle said. "It was nice to meet you, Renee. I'm sure you want to be alone with Bella for a while." He smiled at her.

"Oh, yes… I do. Actually, I'm a little afraid to go home. I just saw the news in the waiting room as we were coming through and heard that there was some vandalism in the neighborhood where my house is." She shook her head and bit her bottom lip. "I'm glad that Bella wasn't near there when it happened. Though, she probably couldn't have been more hurt than she was falling down those stairs." Renee laughed weakly.

The three of us didn't have anything to say to Renee's insight, and I quickly changed the subject. "Carlisle, do you mind if I stay here? -if that's all right with you…?" I said, turning to Renee and smiling. Hoping that I was still able to dazzle people into getting my way, I didn't know what I'd do if she said I couldn't stay.

"No, of course… I don't mind." Renee hesitated, slightly confused. "If that's what you want."

"Yes," I said firmly.

She smiled back at me, that clarity of thought turning to a frantic curiosity as she wondered if Bella was in love with me too.

"That's fine, Edward. We'll see you in the morning." Carlisle said, nodding to Renee as he and Alice left the room.

"It was nice meeting you," Alice smiled and waved at Renee before closing the door. _Edward, _Alice thought as she walked away. _I saw that you might need something to occupy your hands while you were here so I bought a book for you. It's on the window sill. See you tomorrow._

I walked to the window sill where she had placed it, picked up the book, and sat down in the chair farther from Bella so that Renee could be nearer to her. The book was _Sofies verden _by Jostein Gaarder in the original Norwegian. _Sophie's World _the only book, that I knew of, that Bella owned and I had never read. I'd considered buying a copy of my own, realizing that was probably why Alice knew to get it for me.

_A novel about the history of philosophy, _I remembered and wondered if I really needed a book that encouraged more thoughts when I already had so many. It was nice to look like I was doing something though, easier to appear human, and I could watch Bella through Renee's mind in between my own thoughts and what I read.

After Renee ate a power bar that she pulled from her purse, it didn't take long for her to find the turquoise recliner in the corner of the room and scoot it to the end of Bella's bed before falling asleep.

I was amused to discover that Renee talked in her sleep almost as much as Bella did. Though it was much easier to discover what Renee was dreaming about. She mumbled a few things about Jacksonville and breathing water - and dreamed happily of a yellow house with white trim. Bella sat beside her on the porch of the house in her mind, and they laughed and talked together. Though I couldn't make out all the words in her mind I knew that she wanted Bella to move back in with her, and I knew that it would be the best thing for Bella to do.

As much as I hated the thought of the first option of the four possibilities, I knew it would be best for her if she changed her mind about me-if she moved on and found someone else. She could find someone so much more worthy of her than me. Someone who didn't bring all this pain into her life.

The easiest possibility for me to consider was just to continue to love Bella while she remained human. I would enjoy every moment I had with her while I could. Before she grew too old to care about me, or my world became too much of a danger to overcome. What would I have? Sixty or seventy more years with her before she would die, and I would have to find some way to follow her. It was the easiest option for me to consider because it was the best thing for Bella, next to forgetting me all together. The time would seem like nothing to me, but any time she gave me was an undeserved gift.

Watching Bella sleep, pitifully bandaged with the monitor beeping evenly the smell of the mixed bouquet that wasn't her blood lingering in the air around her, I knew that it was wrong for her to keep choosing me. I wanted her to live with her mother, enjoy the sunshine, and forget about me.

As much as it hurt, I knew it would be the best for her.

But if she continued to choose me, what could I do? I knew I was too selfish, too needy, to do the right thing - even now. Even after all that she'd been through, I couldn't leave her like I knew I should, but I couldn't make her one of us either. She couldn't understand what she would be giving up, even if she wanted that. She was so young, so innocent to the demons haunting our wills and giving us this repulsive desire to suck the life and souls from humanity.

I couldn't do that to her. The thought was beyond excruciating.

To be _that _selfish would be unendurable, but more even than that, to have her regret being turned. To wish to be human again as all of my family has wished to be, to escape the hellish desires that grip us all. How could I live through all eternity with her regretting she ever said she loved me?

I couldn't bear it, but I also couldn't bear the thought of anything hurting her again, and I _could _hurt her.

Hearing a nurse's thoughts outside of the door, I closed my eyes quickly and leaned my head back. _Why do I have nightshifts? She said I could have a different schedule and then here I am again… no one listens at all…. _The nurse's complaining thoughts distracted me from my own for a moment as I watched Bella through her eyes. _New IV bag - check… everything looks good, poor thing… I wonder what she looked like before all the bruises and swelling? How can anyone be that clumsy? _The nurse shook her head and slipped back out as she remembered the story of how Bella was hurt. She marveled at how much blood Bella had lost before she had the transfusion.

That too was most definitely my fault. I didn't really want to think about how much of her blood I drank, yet I knew I needed to. I needed to understand how I was able to stop.

I hadn't realized my life was empty until I met and loved Bella, and again I hadn't realized how completely void my body was until Bella's blood filled that emptiness in myself. It was as if her soul was filling me and creating a home inside my empty chest.

I knew this wasn't possible, but that's how it had felt. It was beyond description. Every normal vampire would give anything to experience such a thing, so how did I stop?

Stopping the frenzy had felt like I was setting that imagined new soul on fire. Every ounce of my being rebelled against me when I pulled my lips away from her skin. I'd metaphorically killed myself and let go of that immortal wholeness that I felt.

_How could I have done that in my own strength?_ I _wasn't _strong enough in myself to do any of this. As much as Carlisle and Esme believed in me, I knew the truth, but if I wasn't enough, than what happened? _How did I stop? _

I remembered the image that I'd pictured once of the twisted fate. A cruel-looking harpy that laughed at my struggles. And then I remembered the carefree angel that I'd pictured next, the one that simply tossed Bella toward me, carelessly trusting my own morality to keep her safe. But what if there was something more?

I had always believed in the existence of God - some sort of creator of the world made the most sense to me - but I'd always thought of that God as just starting the world and letting it go. Almost like the carefree angel that I'd pictured, yet I've seen through the minds of some humans of how they rely on a God that helps them through each small thing in their lives. It had always seemed so silly, so childish to believe that the God that created the universe would be interested in the tiny problems of each human. Maybe that was true, and maybe it wasn't, but something gave me that strength that I didn't have. It could have been a deity, a guardian angle perhaps, or possibly Bella herself.

The fact that I didn't understand this great mystery terrified me. If I didn't understand, then how could I be sure that I would always be safe for her?_ If everything happened again, I have no idea if I could do the same thing. Could I always keep myself from killing her? _

As humbled as I'd been recently, I felt myself brought even lower when I realized how much I didn't understand.

I didn't know _how_ I was able to stop, but I did know that I'd forcefully been taking the heaven from her that could never be mine. If some supernatural force did give me the strength that I needed right at that moment, I knew that it wasn't for my benefit. It had all been - and would only ever be - for Bella. She was too important, too special, to lose.

I loved her too much to do anything less than die to every desire that I had.

I spent the night pondering my own philosophical questions while I read and realized that the book ended in a similar place that I had come to. I knew how possible it was for a previous thinker to come up with a solution to something that is important to humanity, and even though I wondered how that would translate to someone who is not human, I could see how other ideas would stimulate new ones. Yet the ending of the book was unsatisfying to me.

At the end of the book, they discussed the universe and described the Big Bang theory. Then pointing out how we are united in a spectacular way, each coming from that first point that formed the universe, and that the contents of the universe itself are relatively unimportant.

Translated, the ending would read, "It is enough just to hold a stone in your hand. The universe would have been equally incomprehensible if it had only consisted of that one stone the size of an orange. The question would be just as impenetrable: where did this stone come from?"

It left the reader with the same questions that the book began with of "who are you?" and "where does the world come from?" and I realized that no matter how often I looked at my love for Bella and what I should do, I kept coming back to the same unanswered questions.

But I wasn't convinced that there couldn't be an answer for us. _Do I have to continue questioning myself and still come up with no solution for our love?_

Again, I went over the options and what is best for Bella, and as I pondered, I remembered with perfect clarity a section from the middle of the book.

"According to Berkeley, my own soul can be the cause of my own ideas - just as when I dream-"

_How could that relate to a soulless being who doesn't dream? What would it mean to have a soul while you are alive, not just a soul that goes to heaven or hell when you die?_ I couldn't help but wonder what it would mean for Bella to live with a soul, not just die with one. If something stopped me from killing her while I drank her blood, it seemed likely that it was intertwined with the preservation of her soul. _What else could it be?_

In one sense, I had saved Bella, but in a far greater way, she had sacrificed herself for me. She hadn't been afraid of the realities of my world, and even after being tortured by James, she wanted me to stay with her. "It doesn't matter what you are," she had said so long ago.

To look at it another way, somehow, my love for Bella had saved me from myself. In that instant, the monster turned into the human prince, but this wasn't a fairy tale and I was not under a spell. I would always have to deal with the monster inside of me, no matter how much I wished to forever be that prince for her.

_Even if somehow I could remain as that human prince, how could I allow her to lose everything, to continue to risk her soul at every moment, just to save me? _

I knew when I drank her blood, even though I couldn't put the thought perfectly into words till this moment, that I loved her too much to do anything but die for her. Experiencing the immortal heaven that I had felt when her blood entered me - in that moment, it was as if I was alive again, yet my love for her was too strong to do anything but sacrifice that new life.

Loving her so deeply meant that I would always be dying for her life and her soul. The burning hell that I stood in, outside of the heaven that I'd metaphorically experienced, was the price that I would pay for her.

_I could not do less. _

I would never turn into the human prince as he overcomes a spell. Bella would never truly be my princess in one way, but _she_ had saved _me _in that moment. I could never escape this soulless hell, but because of the love I had for her, the monster within myself was overcome. However that had happened and at least in that instant in time - he had been defeated. This realization gave me a margin of hope that there could be an answer out there, and I just didn't see it.

_But the monster is still here_. He _is_ still me and part of the existence that I will always endure and struggle with, but the glimmer of humanity that Bella had grown inside this empty shell had beaten him. I could never guarantee the man would win over the monster at every moment, yet it did give me hope. I had never known this kind of hope or even dreamed it could be possible before Bella came into my life.

Watching her sleep, broken as she was yet so absurdly brave, she was worthy of every sacrifice I could endure. Any selfishness, any wish that I had that wasn't in her best interest would never come to pass. I vowed right then, as I stared at her beautiful bruised face, that I would do nothing to hurt her ever again.

_True love is dying to yourself, dying so your love can live._

Every moment of my existence would revolve around that one thought. I would love her more than she ever would realize, always hoping that she would choose to leave me and finally be truly safe. She deserved so much more than I could give her. It hurt to even consider it, but I didn't need to think of it now. I would simply be here for her as long as she would allow it, and it was safe enough for me to be close to her. I would make sure that she didn't miss any human experience because of me. She had so much life to live, and she would heal.

Amazing and impossible as our love story was, perhaps there would be a way for us in the end.

Carlisle had said to have faith, but faith in what? His faith always seemed to be rooted in the impossible, yet hadn't I been doing the same when I refused to believe the visions that Alice had? Even changing them and seeing the impossible happen right before my eyes.

I didn't know what good could come of this, but I had to believe that something better was possible in all of this improbability.


	14. An Impasse 25

-Disclaimer- all Twilight related characters and dialog are the property of Stephanie Meyer and the writer of this fanfiction is in no way profiting by this or means any offense.

**An Impasse - 25**

I didn't leave Bella's room the entire time she was unconscious. Periodically, Alice would bring me a tray of food so that when Renee woke, or came back from doing something, she would assume that I was eating.

The nurses mainly ignored me. Acting like I was just a nuisance that they put up with, and Renee didn't often talk to me as I usually was able to feign sleep or reading to avoid conversation.

It wasn't that I didn't want to speak to her specifically; I didn't want to talk to anyone. To act like I was all right when I was in agony was almost impossible.

Carlisle continued to help around the hospital as much as he could, unable to be idle when so many people needed his help. He occasionally looked in on me. Always reassuring me that Bella would be fine and was recovering well. The fact that she shouldn't be here in the first place, and her injuries were entirely my fault, were lost on him. He continued to offer praise that I didn't deserve, but I couldn't say anything to him. I didn't understand what had happened well enough to explain to him why he shouldn't praise me. I wasn't strong enough for what I had been able to stand, but I couldn't explain these mysteries to anyone because I didn't understand them well enough myself.

Gradually, the transfusion that Bella had incorporated into her system, and eventually she began to smell as sweet as she always had. This reassured me more than anything even Carlisle told me. But it also reminded me, again, why I was so potentially dangerous to her.

The minutes, hours, and days, passed in very much the same way. Alice would bring another arrangement of pink roses into Bella's room and offer me some wrappers or a lunch tray, half-eaten for effect, and assure me again that I had nothing to worry about. Then she would leave to do some shopping or occupy herself in the hotel room with drawing new designs for clothing that had come to her.

I smiled when I looked at all the pink roses on the table near the head of the hospital bed. Depending on the century and decade, different flowers had been given their own meanings. The meanings had changed slightly from one decade to the next, but at least in one time period, pink roses had symbolized friendship. As much as I hadn't wanted Alice and Bella to be best friends, I was more than glad of that relationship now. I had been angry that Alice wanted Bella to know how to be one of us, and though I still felt the same way, I couldn't be upset with her motives. She truly did love Bella like her best friend and favorite sister that she had always longed for.

Alice was planning on researching asylums to learn more about her human family and past, and whenever I thought of how her family had treated her by locking her away, I grew almost too angry to speak evenly. Alice didn't show many signs of anger yet as she was still processing the new information and what to do with it.

In the late morning on Friday, Alice came into Bella's room carrying a little potted miniature rose plant. The roses were pink, of course, and she placed them on the table at the head of Bella's bed with the other arrangements.

I was pretending to watch the TV high up on the wall but not really seeing any of it. Unfortunately, I'd already read the book twice and didn't have another one to help me look occupied.

Renee looked away from the mundane talk show and saw the newest addition to the flower table as Alice moved the vases and pots to make room for it. "More flowers?" she said in surprise.

"Yes, Bella has a lot of friends in Forks, you know, and one of our friends called me to ask if I could get flowers for her room." Alice was beaming as she stared at the flowers. Only I could see the side of her face and raised my eyebrows at her silently. I caught her wink. _Esme called again, actually, but it _was _my idea to get more flowers._

I just smiled and turned my head back to the TV and continued to not watch it as I counted Bella's breaths and attuned myself to any fluctuation of her temperature. The gradual lightening of the visible bruises were becoming more apparent on her face and arms, her scent continually grew more potent as the blood in her system moved through her veins, and I waited for any change, wondering when she would be conscious again.

_Bella is going to wake up soon, Edward._

I almost got up when I heard the words in her mind, but managed to stay still. Waiting for any other information that she'd seen. "Umm.. Alice? Do you have the time?" I asked her, a nonchalant question that would seem perfectly normal to anyone else, but Alice knew what I wanted.

She stared at her wristwatch for a moment and I saw the vision of Bella waking, run through her mind with her watch helping to gauge how soon this would be. _Twenty-two minutes. "_It's 11:40," she said aloud. "Renee, would you like to join me for lunch?"

"Yes. Actually, I was getting kind of hungry." Renee smiled at Alice and stood up to join her.

They walked out the door together while Alice's mental words reminded me. _You know you owe me big for all the little things I do for you. _

I smiled. She was right of course, and I was glad that I would get to be alone with Bella when she first awoke. Not just because I needed to tell her the cover story before she said anything that would confuse her mother, but because I needed to see her open her eyes and talk to her without having to play a part in our continual charade.

It felt amazing to know someone, to love someone, that I could be myself with.

_At least for now, _I reminded myself sadly.

I pulled the chair next to her bed even closer to her and rested my chin on her pillow. The minutes ticked by slowly as I waited for her eyes to open.

I watched the curve of her lips as her breathing changed slightly. Suddenly, her eyes fluttered once and then opened. The relief that I felt when I saw her warm brown eyes opening was amazing as if I could fully inhale again without the tightening I'd been feeling in my lungs during the long hours I'd waited for her to awake again.

Her eyes didn't seem to focus as they swept the room, the walls, the bed rail, the ceiling and squinting into the light. She suddenly lifted her hand and was about to rip the oxygen tube out from under her nose.

"No, you don't," I said and caught her hand in my own.

"Edward?" Her voice sounded rough and still groggy as she said my name. Turning her head slightly, her eyes met mine and a spark of awareness flashed in their brown depths. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry!"

"Shhh…. Everything's all right now," I said, placing her hand back down at her side but not able to let go yet.

"What happened?"

"I was almost too late. I could have been too late." I whispered the words, unable to keep a fraction of the torture I'd been feeling leak into the words.

"I was so stupid, Edward. I thought he had my mom."

"He tricked us all," I said, merely admitting the truth.

"I need to call Charlie and my mom." Her eyes unfocused for a moment and she blinked again.

"Alice called them. Renee is here - well, here in the hospital. She's getting something to eat right now."

"She's here?" Bella gasped and tried to sit up. Her eyes were shifting from the dizziness that was inevitable from the quick movement, and I gently pushed her back down onto her pillow.

"She'll be back soon," I said, hoping that my words would sooth her. _She must be so confused right now._ I wondered how much pain she was in. "And you need to stay still."

"But what did you tell her?" Her eyes widened in panic. "Why did you tell her I'm here?"

"You fell down two flights of stairs and through a window," I said automatically and then paused, wondering if the cover story would offend her. "You have to admit, it could happen."

She sighed, accepting the truth of my words, and then looked down at the bed sheet, staring at the lump that was her plaster encased broken leg. "How bad am I?" She asked quietly.

"You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you've lost a lot of blood. They gave you a few transfusions. I didn't like it - it made you smell all wrong for a while." I wrinkled my nose at the memory. If her scent was like the bouquet of a fine wine, the transfusion was like pouring every different type of cheap wine into one bowl.

"That must have been a nice change for you."

"No, I like how _you _smell."

"How did you do it?" Her eyes were wide with curiosity, and I knew exactly what she was referring to.

"I'm not sure," I admitted and then looked away from her eyes. Carefully lifting up her gauze-wrapped hand that would now always carry a scar, I thought again about what had happened, wondering how to explain it to her. "It was impossible…to stop." I whispered the words, tortured again at how easily I could have killed her. "Impossible. But I did." I looked up at her then and smiled slightly, offering the only explanation that I was sure of. "I _must _love you." My smile widened at the gross understatement.

"Don't I taste as good as I smell?" A teasing glint shown in her eyes as she smiled back at me.

"Even better - better than I'd imagined."

"I'm sorry," she said, always able to surprise me.

My eyes turned up to the ceiling as I shook my head at her words. "Of all the things to apologize for."

"What _should_I apologize for?" Her voice sounded confused, begging for some relief from the guilt I could see in her eyes.

"For very nearly taking yourself away from me forever," I said quietly, my lungs tightened at the thought again of how close it had been.

"I'm sorry." Her long eyelashes brushed her cheeks as she looked down, frowning slightly.

"I know why you did it," I said gently, seeing that she was truly sorry. "It was still irrational, of course. You should have waited for me- you should have told me."

"You wouldn't have let me go."

"No," I said firmly, "I wouldn't."

Bella blinked quickly again, her eyes unfocused as they swept the room and then she shuddered and winced.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I asked anxiously, wondering if all of the pain medication had worn off already.

"What happened to James?"

Ah, she must be remembering more. How I wished I could take the horrible memories away from her as well as the pain. "After I pulled him off you, Emmett and Jasper took care of him," I said, wishing again that I could have killed him myself.

"I didn't see Emmett and Jasper there." Her wide eyes looked confused and her eyebrows came together.

"They had to leave the room… there was a lot of blood."

"But you stayed."

"Yes, I stayed," I said, and as much as I wished that I could have killed James myself, I didn't regret for one moment that I'd chosen to stay with her.

"And Alice, and Carlisle…," her eyes widened in wonder.

"They love you, too, you know."

The pucker appeared between her eyes as she thought of something, and I smiled as I watched her face. I had missed seeing her expressions.

"Did Alice see the tape?" she asked, suddenly sounding anxious again.

"Yes." The hatred that I felt every time I thought of how Alice was treated colored even that one word.

"She was always in the dark- that's why she didn't remember," Bella said quickly.

"I know. She understands now." I managed to say the words evenly, but I couldn't stop the anger warring inside me every time I thought of how she was treated.

Bella lifted her hand slowly and then stopped and looked down at the IV that inhibited her movements.

"Ugh." She groaned and winced simultaneously as her face paled slightly.

"What is it?" I asked, unable to keep the anxiety out of my voice as I shook off the black mood that had gripped me.

"Needles," she said and then looked away from my face, concentrating on a point in the ceiling. The color began to return to her cheeks.

"Afraid of a needle." I muttered the words and shook my head. "Oh, a sadistic vampire, intent on torturing her to death, sure, no problem, she runs off to meet him. An _IV, _on the other hand…"

My facetious humor must not have impressed her as she just rolled her eyes and then quickly said, "Why are _you _here?"

I didn't understand why she'd asked me that. Had my teasing offended her? Perhaps she didn't want me here. I frowned slightly and tried to speak without revealing the hurt in my voice. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" Her eyes suddenly widened in horror. "No, I meant, why does my mother think you're here? I need to have my story straight before she gets back."

"Oh," I said, and my face relaxed as I prepared to relay the cover story. "I came to Phoenix to talk some sense into you, to convince you to come back to Forks." It didn't feel like a lie to say these words. I did feel like I needed to talk some sense into her, and though I knew I wouldn't try to convince her to come back to Forks, I could so easily let myself try to convince her to stay with me for eternity. "You agreed to see me, and you drove out to the hotel where I was staying with Carlisle and Alice - of course I was here with parental supervision." I smiled at how virtuous that sounded. "But you tripped on the stairs on the way to my room and… well, you know the rest. You don't need to remember any details, though; you have a good excuse to be a little muddled about the finer points."

Bella bit her bottom lip for a moment and squinted at me. "There are a few flaws with that story. Like no broken windows."

"Not really," I said. "Alice had a little bit too much fun fabricating evidence. It's all been taken care of very convincingly - you could probably sue the hotel if you wanted to. You have nothing to worry about." I smiled at her and began to stroke her cheek as lightly as I could. "Your only job now is to heal."

As I touched her face and she looked deeply into my eyes, her heartbeat sped, and the beeping of the machine echoed the erratic pulses that normally only I could hear.

"That's going to be embarrassing," Bella muttered, squinting accusingly at the monitor.

I chuckled and then wondered what would happen if I kissed her. It seemed like a decade had passed instead of just a few days since the last time that I'd kissed her. "Hmm, I wonder…"

I leaned slowly toward her and with each inch that I brought my face closer to hers her heart sped faster. Gently, I pressed my lips to hers and the quick beeps from the monitor abruptly stopped.

Quickly pulling back, I anxiously looked between her face and the monitor and was relieved when the beeping began again almost immediately. I frowned. "It seems that I'm going to have to be even more careful with you than usual."

"I was not finished kissing you. Don't make me come over there." Her teasing whine was adorable, and I grinned at her as I leaned closer to kiss her again.

The monitor went wild again as I lightly pressed my lips to hers.

_Which way? … Bella… Bella… terrible lunch… such a lovely girl. _Renee's thoughts coming closer to the room made me pause. I pulled away from Bella and said, "I think I hear your mother." I grinned at Renee's thought pattern.

"Don't leave me!" Bella gasped and clutched at my hand. I hadn't been planning on leaving her room, but the terror that I saw in her eyes was unbearable. I spoke solemnly and smiled to reassure her. "I won't. I'll take a nap."

I moved from her side to the ugly turquoise recliner at the foot of the bed and leaned it all the way back. Closing my eyes, I lay perfectly still and concentrated on Renee's mind, gauging how soon she would be here.

"Don't forget to breathe," Bella said, sarcasm seeping through each whispered word. I took a deep breath to satisfy her.

Renee was closer now, and I was sure that even Bella would be able to hear her through the closed door. A nurse had just informed her that Bella should wake up at any time. "What? Why didn't someone tell me sooner that the medication was going to wear off today?" Her mind was scattered and tired as she felt annoyed at the overly calm nurse.

"I'm sure she's fine, but it takes a while for the grogginess to go away."

Renee turned away from the nurse, and her thoughts were full of concern for her daughter as she quietly opened the door and peeked in.

"Mom!" Bella's whisper was full of love and relief.

Renee saw me first and mumbled to herself about how I never left as she tried to tip-toe around me to Bella's side.

"Mom, I'm so glad to see you!"

When Renee heard Bella's voice, tears spontaneously began to pour down her face, "Bella, I was so upset!" she said and leaned down to hug her.

It was strange to read her mind. Everything she saw was so clear, yet her emotions changed so quickly that I couldn't predict what she would think or feel next. It made sense to me that Bella had learned to be the one to take care of her mother. She seemed so childlike at times - and so very opposite from Charlie. I had hoped that hearing Renee's mind after hearing Charlie's would give me a better idea of the closed mind of their daughter. Perhaps if they were more alike, this would be helpful, but as it was, Bella's mind was still a baffling mystery to me. She seemed to be the unique culmination of two opposites.

Even though she saw too much as Bella always had, she seemed easily swayed. Her mind always shifting from thought to thought, and she spoke without forming the words in her mind before speaking.

When I first met her, I thought that the words in her mind were partly obscured as Charlie's always were, but as I was around her more, I realized that hardly any complete sentences stayed in her mind long enough for me to detect.

Renee and Bella were exchanging the normal pleasantries that people do when they haven't seen each other in a while, but when I heard Renee mention my father, I began to pay closer attention to their conversation.

"You're lucky Dr. Cullen was there. He's such a nice man…very young, though. And he looks more like a model than a doctor…"

"You met Carlisle?"

"And Edward's sister Alice. She's a lovely girl."

"She is," Bella said emphatically.

I saw myself through Renee's eyes as she looked over her shoulder at me as I pretended to sleep. Her thoughts were suddenly so curious I was amazed that she was able to contain the questions that buzzed in her mind so quickly that I couldn't follow them. "You didn't tell me you had such good friends in Forks," she said, still eyeing me. Her thought shifting from suspicion, to curiosity, to affection, to loneliness, to nostalgia, and then to concern as Bella moaned in pain.

"What hurts?" she asked, her shifting mind remained still for a moment as she stared again at Bella, anxiously demanded an answer.

I opened my eyes and looked at Bella's face too, also wanting reassurance.

"It's fine," Bella said, glancing at me quickly before looking at her mother. "I just have to remember not to move."

Closing my eyes again I concentrated on watching Bella through Renee's mind.

"Where's Phil?" Bella asked quickly, and all thoughts that Renee had about me and my family, and my relationship with Bella, left her mind instantly.

"Florida - oh, Bella! You'll never guess! Just when we were about to leave, the best news!"

"Phil got signed?"

"Yes! How did you guess! The Suns! Can you believe it?"

"That's great, Mom." Bella's enthusiasm didn't match her mother's.

"And you'll like Jacksonville so much," Renee said, the words gushing out of her as if she couldn't hold the dam back any longer. I knew this conversation would be coming and felt my lips tighten as I listened, watching Bella's vacant expression as she took in her mother's words. "I was a bit worried when Phil started talking about Akron, what with the snow and everything, because you know how I hate the cold, but now Jacksonville! It's always sunny, and the humidity really isn't _that _bad. We found the cutest house-yellow, with white trim, and a porch just like in an old movie, and this huge oak tree, and it's just a few minutes from the ocean, and you'll have your own bathroom-"

"Wait, Mom!" Bella finally interrupted her eyes beginning to focus as she seemed to fully realize what her mother was saying. "What are you talking about? I'm not going to Florida. I live in Forks."

"But you don't have to anymore, silly." She laughed as if the idea were absurd. "Phil will be able to be around so much more now… we've talked about it a lot, and what I'm going to do is trade off on the away games, half the time with you, half the time with him."

"Mom…" Bella hesitated as she looked over her mother's face. "I _want _to live in Forks. I'm already settled in at school, and I have a couple of girlfriends" - Renee glanced at me, accusation coloring her thoughts, then turned back to Bella as she continued - "and Charlie needs me. He's just all alone up there, and he can't cook _at all._"

"You want to stay in Forks?" Renee's thoughts were incoherently bewildered, and then that clarity broke through as her eyes flickered back to me again. "Why?"

"I told you - school, Charlie - ouch!" Bella had shrugged when she cried out, and Renee's hands fluttered over her daughter unsure of how to comfort her.

She began patting Bella's forehead as she said, "Bell, honey, you hate Forks."

"It's not so bad."

The black and white thoughts returned, and Renee looked between Bella and myself a few times before she said quietly, "Is it this boy?"

Renee watched Bella's face closely as she opened her mouth to say something then paused. "He's part of it," she finally said. "So, have you had a chance to talk with Edward?"

"Yes." She hesitated as she looked at my closed eyes again. "And I want to talk to you about that."

"What about?" Bella asked, trepidation coloring her tone.

"I think that boy is in love with you," Renee said, leaning close to Bella as if she were telling her something that she didn't already know.

"I think so, too."

Renee caught the twinkle in Bella's eyes and the curiosity raging in her mind was almost deafening. "And how do you feel about him?"

Bella sighed and looked away from her mother. "I'm pretty crazy about him." The tone in her voice wasn't convincing to me, but Renee accepted what she said, and I wished for the twelve hundred and twenty-second time that I could read Bella's mind. Why would she keep her feelings for me a secret? I understood why she should keep everything else about me a secret, but why this? I felt like climbing up on a rooftop and calling out to the world that I was in love with Bella Swan, and the only thing that stopped me from doing this was the warring desire that I always had inside me. Knowing that she needed to be free to leave me if she chose to, knowing that it would be safer and better for her life if she did. That was the only thing that kept me from climbing that roof and blasting a horn in Morse code that spelled out how much I loved her.

"Well, he _seems _very nice, and, my goodness, he's incredibly good-looking, but you're so young, Bella…" Renee paused and looked at her daughter, picturing Bella in her mind for a brief moment as she looked when she was in grade school. The images in her mind of how her daughter grew were interrupted when Bella spoke again.

"I know that, Mom. Don't worry about it," she said, her voice low and soothing. "It's just a crush."

"That's right." Renee agreed easily, and I painfully wondered how true Bella's words really were.

"Do you need to go?" Bella asked as her mother looked at the clock on the wall.

_Should I? … maybe I should stay, but he said… _"Phil's supposed to call in a little while… I didn't know you were going to wake up…"

"No problem, Mom. I won't be alone."

"I'll be back soon. I've been sleeping here, you know." Renee's mind was full of pride at this statement.

"Oh, Mom, you don't have to do that! You can sleep at home - I'll never notice."

"I was too nervous," she said sheepishly. "There's been some crime in the neighborhood, and I don't like being there alone."

"Crime?" Bella asked, as if she didn't know.

"Someone broke into that dance studio around the corner from the house and burned it to the ground - there's nothing left at all! And they left a stolen car right out front. Do you remember when you used to dance there, honey?"

"I remember." Bella shivered and then winced. I was sure she was remembering much more than dancing there.

"I can stay, baby, if you need me."

"No, Mom, I'll be fine. Edward will be with me."

Renee's mind suddenly turned from the caring mother to the suspicious parent as she looked at me. _Yes, I'm sure he will… _she thought and then said, "I'll be back tonight."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, too, Bella. Try to be more careful when you walk, honey, I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face for a brief moment at her words. I often had thought the same thing when I saw Bella's clumsiness.

A nurse came into the room just as Bella's mother bent down to kiss her forehead. Renee patted Bella's hand and then left the room. _When did he say he'd call? … wait, what's the time difference again… maybe it's not too late to have coffee. _Her shifting mind buzzed quickly away from the room.

The nurse was checking the paper readout on the heart monitor; her internal clucking was irritating. "Are you feeling anxious, honey? Your heart rate got a little high there."

"I'm fine." Bella and I both knew when her heart rate had gotten so high, and I wondered if they'd kick me out if they discovered that I was the cause.

"I'll tell your RN that you're awake. She'll be in to see you in a minute."

I was relieved when the nurse finally left, and as soon as the door closed I was by Bella's side in one-eights of a second.

"You stole a car?" she raised her eyebrows at me.

I grinned at her. "It was a good car, very fast."

"How was your nap?" she asked sarcastically.

"Interesting," I said, my eyes narrowed as I looked at her, wondering about what she'd told her mother.

"What?"

"I'm surprised. I thought Florida… and your mother… well, I thought that's what you would want." I had been preparing myself in these last few days to be able to talk to her about this, when it came up, without betraying the pain that I felt when I thought of her leaving me. My voice was smooth and hardly gave it away.

Bella stared at me. She seemed unable to understand my words. "But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night - just like a _real_ vampire."

I almost smiled when she said 'real vampire' - as if I were a fake one - but quickly sobered when I remembered what we were talking about and what I would have to do. "I would stay in Forks, Bella. Or somewhere like it," I said forcing myself to believe that I could stay away from her if she chose to leave. "Someplace where I couldn't hurt you anymore."

Bella stared at me blankly for a moment and slowly her eyes became deep pools of realization. Her heart rate accelerated, emphasized by the monitor, and her breathing sped. I watched her beautiful bruised face twist in pain as she gasped. Her ribs must be hurting her. Did she finally realize that I'd done this to her? Did she finally see the danger, after all she'd been through?

The registered nurse walked purposefully into the room and quickly took in Bella's pained expression and the thrumming monitor. "Time for more pain meds, sweetheart?" she kindly said while tapping the IV feed.

"No, no," Bella said, agony coloring her voice. "I don't need anything."

"No need to be brave, honey. It's better if you don't get too stressed out; you need to rest."

Bella shook her head stubbornly.

"Okay. Hit the call button when you're ready," she said and sternly looked at me as she left. _Leave it to a boyfriend to get her all worked up over some silly thing. He shouldn't even be in here, but she's not my daughter… I won't say anything…it's not my business…infatuations…_The nurse glanced quickly at the machinery before closing the door.

Bella was still panicking, and I put my hand on her face. "Shhh, Bella, calm down."

"Don't leave me." Her voice broke as she gasped for air.

"I won't," I said. There wasn't any way I would leave her like this regardless. "Now relax before I call the nurse back to sedate you."

Her breathing slowed marginally, but her heartbeat continued to gallop at an alarming pace. "Bella." I stroked her face anxiously, willing her to calm down. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here as long as you need me."

"Do you swear you won't leave me?" Her gasps and pained expression scared me. Everything I did or didn't do seemed to hurt her, but I didn't think there would ever come a time that I _could_ leave her. I took her face between my hands and leaned close to her, looking deeply into her eyes. "I swear."

I continued to hold Bella's face as her heart gradual slowed to normal and her face relaxed.

"Better?" I asked.

"Yes," she said quietly.

I released her and shook my head, relieved that she didn't have a heart attack, and spoke too quickly and quietly for her to hear. "Of course she wasn't afraid of getting hurt again. No, she wants to stay with me and risk her life over and over. Of all the ridiculous _overreactions_ I've ever seen…" I forced myself to stop speaking the incoherent words and looked at Bella. She was calmer but still shaking.

"Why did you say that? Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you _want _me to go away?" Bella's voice shook slightly as she spoke.

"No, I don't want to be without you, Bella, of course not. Be rational. And I have no problem with saving you, either - if it weren't for the fact that I was the one putting you in danger… that I'm the reason that you're here."

"Yes, you are the reason," she said quickly and frowned. "The reason I'm here - _alive._"

"Barely," I said in a whisper. "Covered in gauze and plaster and hardly able to move."

"I wasn't referring to my most recent near-death experience. I was thinking of the others - you can take your pick. If it weren't for you, I would be rotting away in the Forks cemetery."

I winced as she spoke but wasn't deterred.

She didn't understand that all of those things started when she met me; it was all my fault.

"That's not the worst part, though," I said quietly, wanting her to understand how hard this was for me. "Not seeing you there on the floor…crumpled and broken. Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain - all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity." I choked on the words as I spoke, remembering as if I were reliving it all. "No, the very worst was feeling… knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself."

"But you didn't."

"I could have. So easily." Even when I explained it to her, I could tell from her eyes that she didn't take this seriously. It didn't seem to bother her at all that I couldhave killed her a hundred times over. Always running toward danger as she was, so foolish and trusting. She didn't understand how all of this had tortured me. Did she even care?

It didn't seem to bother her if she died and left me alone forever with the knowledge that I'd murdered the only woman I could love.

Bella's breathing began to accelerate again as she whispered. "Promise me."

"What?"

"You know what." Her tone was angry now, stubborn.

I answered her in the same tone, annoyed that she still wouldn't see the truth. "I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way…whether it kills you or not." Could I ever be that unselfish? I doubted it; I needed her too much.

"Good," she said, completely unconcerned about her own life as usual. Then she spoke more angrily. "You told me how you stopped… now I want to know why."

"Why?" Did she _want _me to kill her? This was ridiculous.

"_Why _you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now, I would be just like you."

I froze in shock. Against all of my careful plans to keep this information from her, she knew how close she'd come to becoming a vampire. _Alice… I can't believe she actually told her when she knew that I didn't want Bella to know anything about this. _

I was furious and had to lock my jaw in place so that I wouldn't start yelling, but I wasn't going to answer her question. _We shouldn't even be having this discussion. I'd already made my decision._ I wouldn't be selfish, and Bella clearly had no idea what was good for her. She proved that again and again.

Bella ignored my expressions. "I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships," she said. "But it just seems logical…a man and a woman have to be somewhat equal…as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other _equally._"

I folded my arms on her bed and rested my chin on them, finally able to push the anger away. It _was_ logical, I couldn't deny that, but in this case it wasn't _right_, and she simply didn't - and couldn't - understand what she was talking about.

"You _have _saved me," I said softly. Would she ever realize how her love had changed me? She brought out the human parts of me that I had thought were unreachable. How could I allow her to be turned, losing her own humanity when I'd just found a semblance of my own?

"I can't always be Lois Lane," she said childishly. "I want to be Superman, too."

"You don't know what you're asking," I said gently. How could she know? She was so young, seen so little of the world, and she would want me to take all that she has away from her.

"I think I do," she said, stubborn again.

"Bella, you _don't _know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure."

"Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"

"No, I don't wish that," I said, remembering what I'd seen in his memories, my mother begging him to save me in any way that he could, and then the pain of the transformation. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."

"You _are _my life," she said. "You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose."

She didn't understand that I could still be here for her as she is. I didn't want to change her. I loved her too much to change anything about her, and only to make my life more convenient. I couldn't imagine this lovely girl, pure and innocent, being tortured by the demons that always haunt our lives - calling us to kill humanity.

A century's weight felt heavy in my mind as I answered her. "I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."

"Why not?" Her voice was rough with emotion. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today, or I guess it was a few days ago…anyway, after _that,_ it should be nothing."

I glared at her. How could she want to put her life in danger _again_. No, it wasn't enough that I'd almost killed her once, that I had no idea how I'd stopped or if I could again, and she wanted to put me in that place again. Then I remembered her screams as the venom burned through her veins.

"And the pain?" I asked, hoping the reminder would be enough to deter her.

Her face turned white as I saw the memory flash across her face. "That's my problem. I can handle it."

"It's possible to take bravery to the point where it becomes insanity," I said, and for a moment really did wonder if she'd completely lost it. What could she be thinking?

"It's not an issue. Three days. Big deal."

_Right_.

Of course, she would know how long it took. I grimaced as I tried to control my anger. Alice was going to hear from me soon, and it wouldn't be a pleasant conversation. I turned to a different tactic.

"Charlie?" I said quickly. "Renee?"

There was too much of her life to live and a family that she cared about. The minutes ticked by as she struggled with these thoughts. Clearly, she hadn't thought of these things. She was so willing to give up everything but didn't understand, and I was sure there were other things besides her family that she hadn't considered. The obvious doubt in her eyes was a good indicator that I'd won this discussion.

"Look," she finally said, "that's not an issue either." She was such a bad liar that I knew her statement wasn't true. "Renee has always made the choices that work for her - she'd want me to do the same. And Charlie's resilient. He's used to being on his own. I can't take care of them forever. I have my own life to live."

"Exactly," I said quickly. "And I won't end it for you."

"If you're waiting for me to be on my deathbed, I've got news for you! I was just there!"

"You're going to recover," I said, only pointing out the truth.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment before staring at me. I met her gaze and knew that we wouldn't be able to agree; she couldn't see what was in her best interest. Perhaps she was incapable of understanding what was best for her just as she was incapable of self-preservation, but I wouldn't yield - and she knew it.

"No," she said slowly. "I'm not."

Why would she say that? "Of course you are. You may have a scar or two…"

"You're wrong," she insisted. "I'm going to die."

"Really, Bella," I said, growing anxious. "You'll be out of here in a few days. Two weeks at the most."

She glared at me as if I'd missed something entirely too obvious. "I may not die now… but I'm going to die sometime. Every minute of the day, I get closer. And I'm going to get _old._"

Ah, that was the problem. I frowned and pressed my fingers to my temple. Was she more upset that she wouldn't have eternal youth? Was she afraid that I would leave her because she'd grow to look older than me? I have seen so many humans at every stage of life, beautiful at each place. To say that an old woman isn't as beautiful in who she is as a young woman is, to me, the same as saying that a baby couldn't be as beautiful as a child. The beauty was merely different. This world has such a narrow-minded idea of time - of the best place in life to be. They try all their young lives to grow up to a certain point and then spend the rest of their lives trying to stay at that same point. Rather, each moment, each change adds grace and meaning to every life. Part of the hell of our existence is never living those human changes. Experiencing growth and a maturity that comes with age and gray hair. Humanity prizes what immortals have, yet does not see - does not appreciate - the greater prize that is theirs and theirs alone.

Bella was too young to understand these profound truths, and how was I supposed to answer her immature, absurd arguments? "That's how it's supposed to happen," I finally said. "How it should happen. How it would have happened if I didn't exist - and I _shouldn't exist._"

Bella snorted, and I opened my eyes in surprise to look at her.

"That's stupid," she said. "That's like going to someone who's just won the lottery, taking their money, and saying, 'Look, let's just go back to how things should be. It's better that way.' And I'm not buying it."

"I'm hardly a lottery prize," I said, nearly growling the words at her.

"That's right. You're much better."

I rolled my eyes. This was beyond insane. She not only had no sense of self-preservation; she _sought_ _out_ death. If she were being burned at the stake, she'd probably hold on to the stake instead of trying to get away.

Suddenly, I realized that that's just what she was thinking. Purposefully choosing to be poisoned with my venom so that she could hold onto that stake and let the venom burn through her. That is, _if _I didn't kill her before she could be torched alive. She had no more concern for her own soul than the people that waited in dark places hoping a vampire would find them, so they could trade their souls for eternal youth and a living hell.

This conversation was going nowhere good.

"Bella, we're not having this discussion anymore. I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night, and that's the end of it."

"If you think that's the end, then you don't know me very well," she said warningly. "You're not the only vampire I know."

I gasped, furious again. "Alice wouldn't dare," I said darkly, and decided right then what I would do if she tried it. She'd have a vision of my retribution and would know not to cross me in this.

"Alice already saw it, didn't she?" Bella said pulling me out of my dark thoughts. "That's why the things she says upset you. She knows I'm going to be like you…someday."

"She's wrong. She also saw you dead, but that didn't happen, either."

"You'll never catch _me _betting against Alice."

Bella was far too stubborn for her own good, but I could be just as stubborn if she was going to act so irrationally. We stared at each other for several minutes. There was no change in her expression, and I knew I would never be able to convince her why it would be wrong for me to allow her to turn her back on humanity.

But I didn't want to argue anymore. Bella needed to rest, to heal, and I didn't want to waste any moment I had with her on silly arguments.

Her face gradually relaxed as well when she finally spoke. "So where does that leave us?"

I chuckled without humor. "I believe it's called an _impasse_."

She sighed, saying, "Ouch."

I was sure the facetious 'ouch' had a double meaning in this case, and she must be in more pain now. "How are you feeling?" I asked, glancing at the call button for the nurse.

"I'm fine," she said, only poorly lying of course.

"I don't believe you," I said gently. I didn't want her to hurt any more.

"I'm not going back to sleep."

"You need rest. All this arguing isn't good for you."

"So give in."

"Nice try," I said and reached for the button.

"No!"

I ignored her protest and pressed the button. A voice came over the speaker. "_Yes_?"

"I think we're ready for more pain medication," I said calmly, disregarding Bella's livid expression.

"_I'll send in the nurse_."

"I won't take it," Bella said decisively.

I gestured to the sack of fluids hanging beside her bed. "I don't think they're going to ask you to swallow anything."

Her heartbeat sped again, and her eyes were full of fear. I sighed, frustrated that she couldn't even seem to let herself heal properly. "Bella, you're in pain. You need to relax so you can heal. Why are you being so difficult? They're not going to put any more needles in you now."

"I'm not afraid of the needles. I'm afraid to close my eyes."

I smiled gently at her and took her face in my hands. "I told you I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid. As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here."

She smiled back. "You're talking about forever, you know."

"Oh, you'll get over it - it's just a crush," I said, hearing her voice echo in my head with those same words.

Bella shook her head. "I was shocked when Renee swallowed that one. I know _you _know better."

_Do I?_ "That's the beautiful thing about being human," I said. "Things change."

She squinted at me, the smile leaving her face. "Don't hold your breath," she said.

I was chuckling at her choice of words when the nurse came in, holding a syringe.

"Excuse me," she said brusquely, brushing me aside. _Too much excitement isn't good for her, but she's not my daughter… boyfriends shouldn't be allowed in hospitals… _I had moved to the end of the small room and leaned against the wall, watching Bella calmly as the nurse injected the drug into her tube. "Here you go, honey. You'll feel better now."

"Thanks," she said, mumbling the word insincerely.

"That ought to do it," the nurse said as she and I both observed Bella's eyes drooping with sleep. Then she quickly left the room.

I was beside Bella in an instant stroking her bruised face gently before she fell completely asleep. Her eyelids fluttered open for a moment as she spoke one slurred word. "Stay…"

"I will," I said assuring her, but wanting to be truthful at the same time. "Like I said, as long as it makes you happy…as long as it's what's best for you."

The pucker appeared between her eyes as she slowly tried to shake her head. "'s not the same thing," she said heavy with sleep.

I laughed quietly. "Don't worry about that now, Bella. You can argue with me when you wake up."

She half smiled. "'Kay."

Leaning close to whisper in her ear, I said. "I love you." She would never understand just how much.

"Me, too."

"I know," I said, chuckling again.

She turned her head toward me, her eyes were closed again, but I knew what she wanted and touched my lips gently to hers.

"Thanks." She sighed.

"Any time."

The muscles in her face had gone slack, but suddenly she seemed to pull herself awake, though her eyes were still closed. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"I'm betting on Alice," she said and then fell asleep.

Watching Bella sleep peacefully, I thought of the love that I felt for this small, frail human, and it overwhelmed me with its fierce protectiveness.

She was betting on Alice, but I would be eternally grateful that I _hadn't_ believed Alice's visions needed to come true. If I had, Bella would have died many months ago.

Bella couldn't understand how much I loved her. She didn't see the sacrifice I made for her at every moment; fighting back every inhuman instinct that I had, wanting her to live a full human life with everything I could never give her, watching her grow gracefully older, each moment more beautiful than the last.

I wished again that I could be human for Bella. To grow and change with her, seeing our children, a small part of each of us blended together, the perfect manifestation of our love.

I would never experience this heaven with her, but she _could _live a long and happy life with me. I could see her grow and change and mature, loving each moment of her existence. Even from a distance, if she meets someone else and wants a family, I would give her up. I loved her too deeply to do anything less, but how many years would I have with her? Could I protect her from the dangers in my world?

I thought again of what Carlisle had said to me.

_ "You don't know what good can come from this, from your love for Bella. Have faith…"_

But what did that mean? Even though I _could_ believe in the possibility that the creator of the world had stopped me from killing Bella as I pulled the venom from her veins, I couldn't believe that this same deity would sanction the elimination of her soul.

_It seemed to mean nothing to Bella._

I doubted that she even considered what it would mean to give up her soul in exchange for me, and what would happen if she _did _become a vampire and saw me with new eyes?

If she saw me without being human and no longer felt the impact of the attractive ploys that were meant to draw our victims to us, what would she think? I could never know if that was the only reason she loved me now, and if I agreed to turn her and her love for me changed, all of my fears would come to pass. I'd be dooming her to an eternal depression.

I knew she loved me, but if I were human, would it be the same for her? If she were a vampire, would she love me the same as she does now? There was no change in her that would make me love her any less. But I've been existing for over 100 years, and read the minds of every human and vampire that I was ever near. Bella was so young and there was much that she couldn't understand.

Now that I knew she wanted to become one of us, I was even more afraid for her life, for her eternal life, and humanity.

I wasn't telling the whole truth when I told her that I wasn't sorry that Carlisle had changed me. Though it was true that I wouldn't change what he did, I'd seen the look in my mother's eyes through his memory and couldn't be sorry for his decision. What wasn't fully true was that I wasn't giving anything up. I _had _lost something.

_My soul is gone. _

I know that, and I would never experience the heaven that I believed in.

I could _not_ take that away from Bella. If I loved her less, I could give her what she wanted, but this… her humanity, her soul, and heaven in exchange for eternal hell with me?

_I'm not worth it. _I couldn't think of a blacker, more self-centered sin than that.

She would not give up her wish or her faith in Alice's vision. I knew her stubbornness too well to believe it possible, but I wouldn't allow it to happen.

And just as I'd protected Bella at every moment that I knew her, from me, from other humans, from vampires, now I would protect her from herself.

* * *

A/N I know everyone has issues with what Edward believed. How he thought he knew what was best for Bella, but really, if he had of given into her when _she _thought it was the right time, _he _wouldn't have been ready. I'm convinced now that he actually would have killed her if he hadn't been so cautious, and the more I think about it, the more I think she really wouldn't have been ready either. As it was, they worked through things together and both were given their happily-ever-after. I don't think Edward would have left her in "New Moon" if he could read her mind, but he thought he was doing the right thing... everything he did was out of love for her. You can't be angry with him when you know that. Anyway, even though it wasn't a _good _thing for him to leave her, they both grew up so much. She went from being afraid of riding on his back as he ran (and it made her sick) to holding her own in front of his family when she asked them if they wanted her to be apart of their family. I think that Edward had a lot more to learn than she did in some ways. Especially in "Eclipse" .. but they both needed that. If they hadn't gone through those struggles together, if he had just given in to her at the end of Twilight and turned her into a vampire their love might have turned out just as he'd feared. She _could _have come to resent him and regret the change! Just because something is a good thing, doesn't mean that it is just as good when you take it out of it's proper time. For instance, if he had of given in and had sex with her before they were married (and then later if she hadn't insisted the same thing back to him) then she wouldn't have gotten that goodbye that was so special with all her family and friends at the wedding, and would Charlie have noticed something weird about her? Would he have tried to shoot Edward? It annoys me that some people can only see his desirable outward appearance and fail to miss the deeper issues of why we all love him. It _is _because he only thinks of her, and loves her above all of his own desires (the good looks are icing, but not everything...) If more woman insisted that their boyfriends would have to wait until they were married to have sex, then all the jerks would be weeded out pretty quickly. The only guys left would be the ones that truly are in love, in a selfless way. More happily-ever-afters would then be possible. It isn't about taking something good away, it's about saving it for the right moment and there-by making that good thing amazingly better. I'm sure my words will annoy some people, but I only say them because I want those happy endings to happen for more people.

Delving into Edwards character has been quite an experience. I've been working from his angle so much that I've nearly forgotten what Bella was thinking at times and wonder along with him _What could she possibly be thinking? _It's a little weird for me. ;)

Just the Epilogue to go. That should be fun. :)


	15. Epilogue An Occasion

And here it is! The final part.. and amazingly the book is all in one place and edited and as close to what it *would* be if Stephanie Meyer had of done it (at least I think so)

I feel somewhat like Edward did after saving Bella... I look at what I did and I don't know how I did it, and of course Stephanie Meyer still owns all of this... ahh.. the irony.

The Epilogue was really fun to write and I added some more stuff to it just because I wanted to. For all you Jacob fans - I'm really sorry Edward hates Jacob so much. I of course, don't feel that way, but Edward _will_ be jealous. What can I do? ;]

A gigantic HUGE thanks goes to my husband who edited this entire book in just the last week! I can't say he "enjoyed" it... though I was hoping that he'd become a bigger fan, but he did like the perspective coming from Edward more than from Bella. Anyway, I'll stop talking now. Enjoy! ;]

**Epilogue:**

**An Occasion**

"_Bella, stop moving. It's not going to hurt. It's just foundation!" You'd think I was smearing a radioactive byproduct on her skin._

I saw the expression on Bella's face through Alice's mind and had to agree with her assessment.

_I haven't heard your car yet, Edward, and you'd better be out of here in two seconds… _Alice's mental orders stopped when she saw Emmett poke his head around the door.

_ "Hey, don't put that on her!" _Emmett's eyes twinkled with mirth as he spoke, and I saw Bella from a new perspective through his mind before I drove out of the driveway. _"If you cover her face with that, I won't get to see her blushing!"_

_ "Emmett!" _They both said. _"Get out!"_

Emmett's mirth echoed through my mind as I drove away. I smiled at how he had taken to Bella in the last few months, like his own favorite little sister. He enjoyed teasing her and laughing at her human reactions almost as much as I had at first.

Before I left, I had promised Alice that I wouldn't drive over 100 mph to pick up the corsage that I'd ordered in Port Angeles. This was supposed to give her exactly the right amount of time to dress-up Bella. I thought it was a little silly for Alice to banish me while Bella got ready, but Alice loved surprises - and what could I do when she insisted? I'd seen the vision that she'd had of Bella enjoying herself at prom but knew better than to outright say where I was taking her tonight.

She _would _enjoy it. Alice had seen that, and I didn't want my presence in Bella's life to take anything away from her. I wanted her to enjoy every normal human activity, and prom was an important right of passage.

I'd thrown my tux on before leaving the house to save time, but as I entered the florist shop, I wondered if that had been the best decision.

_Wow… gorgeous… Close your mouth you idiot. _The girl behind the counter was gaping at me as I walked up to her.

"I ordered a corsage, under the name of Cullen," I said, looking away from her batting eyes. I had no desire to encourage anyone by looking into their eyes, even to get my own way as I once had.

"Yes, of course." She fluttered to the back of the store where the cooler was, to retrieve it. _Wow… I've never seen… I didn't dream… why do I have to work in the _one_ place where _all_ the guys that come in here are unavailable?!_

I ignored her thoughts after that by turning my mind to the flowers around me. I couldn't help but see their meanings as I looked at them. In the time that I was human the language of flowers was as understood as texting and all the abbreviations that go with it are now. Messages were relayed and understood in such a beautiful manner. Shakespeare punctuated his plays with these messages as well; now, they're almost completely missed by the modern eye. I saw an elaborate bouquet of yellow roses on display and understood why the floral industry would not want their original meaning of _unfaithfulness_ to be known. Red roses were pretty generally understood even now to signify true love - but had turned into a cliché. Everyone on Valentine's Day would get their sweetheart red roses-and it meant nothing several months later when they would break up. Lavender, _devotion, _was much undervalued in the relationships that I saw around me. I glanced at the pot of white lilies signifying _purity_, and the potted cactus next to it, _endurance. _My eyes swept the room and I saw anivy plant, _fidelity, _and a begonia plant saying _beware. _Eucalyptus, _protection, _encircled wreaths and hung from the walls_._

Warnings and declarations were all around me like giant neon signs, and suddenly the girl came from the back of the shop holding a clear corsage box. Three delicate white orchids. Nothing more, no ribbons, no greenery. It didn't need to say more. It was…

"Beautiful," I said, taking the box from her and turning to walk out of the door. I'd already paid over the phone and didn't want to stay there any longer in my tux. Not with her gaping at me. Her incoherent thoughts were not something I wanted to dwell on, and any moment away from Bella would always be more painful now than even the burning fire of the venom when I was changed.

I pushed the car slightly past Alice's speed limit, but when I got back to the house, the others were just about to drive away.

_See you there! _Alice grinned at me through the window of Rosalie's car. _Bella's waiting for you inside._

I appreciated the moment alone with Bella, and when I stepped into the room, she was standing by the stairs holding onto the banister. She didn't seem to hear me at first- her nervous expression didn't waver as I watched her. For a moment, I was unable to move. I had imagined this once, of what it would be like to take her to a dance, and this impossible moment was here. I barely noticed the style of her dress, or how Alice had arranged her hair. Everything about her appearance made her look only more like herself. Simply emphasizing the beauty and grace that I always saw and that she never seemed to be able to acknowledge.

"Hello," I said quietly and slowly walked over to her. Somehow the wisps of blue chiffon that I couldn't seem to focus on made her look even more fragile than usual, more delicate, more precious. The layers of fabric clung to her shape like water clings to a fountain, each slight movement that she made, so graceful in her stillness, made her look all the more alive and vibrant.

Her mouth fell open when she looked at me, and I had to smile. I was glad that she was at least a little stunned by me as I always was by her beauty. I hoped her thoughts were as incoherent as the shop girls'.

"Wow… you look… good."

"What, with this?" I joked gesturing at my tux. "It's hardly adequate compared to how beautiful you are looking tonight." I felt underdressed suddenly and couldn't take my eyes from hers. "I have something for you," I said and, taking the flowers from their box, I pinned them into her elaborate curls while ignoring Bella's protests. She wasn't used to being taken care of and to have someone cherish her, but that didn't mean I would stop.

"Come with me. We're going to be late," I said, helping her to the door and down the stairs.

Her eyes narrowed at my words as we walked, but she let me help her into the car. She gingerly lifted her heavy walking cast in last. A twinge of pain hit me every time I saw her injury, and I wondered how much it still hurt her. The plaster had been removed, and she no longer needed crutches or Alice's help to shower, but it still must hurt her even in the new cast. I could ask her if she was in pain but knew that she would deny it even if she were. My thoughts turned to her grim expression as I entered the car.

"At what point exactly are you going to tell me what's going on?" She looked grumpy, and I wondered if she really didn't know.

"I'm shocked that you haven't figured it out yet." I smiled teasingly, and her breath caught; her heartbeat sped.

"I did mention that you looked very nice, didn't I?" she asked, as if she couldn't remember.

"Yes." I grinned again.

As I drove, her appreciative expression turned quickly into a frown again. "I'm not coming over anymore if Alice is going to treat me like Guinea Pig Barbie when I do," Bella said, picking at the frills on her dress. A dark cloud seemed to hover over her annoyance as she turned her head, glaring at her bare shoulder and tried to pull the off-the-shoulder style up higher. I smiled to myself but didn't want to offend her. Bella's fury was almost as much fun to witness as seeing her looking like this.

The phone rang suddenly, and I looked at the ID, surprised at the name. "Hello, Charlie," I said warily, wondering if he'd changed his mind about how late Bella would be allowed to stay out with me. As I'd predicted, he'd been very angry with me and had imposed curfews and visiting hours that hadn't existed before. He was right of course, all that had happened was my fault, but his phone call wasn't about any of that.

_"Seems like someone didn't get the memo about who was taking Bella to prom." _Charlie's voice barely veiled the humor behind his words. _"A kid named Tyler is here, waiting for her."_

"You're kidding!" I couldn't help but laugh. How Tyler could be so delusional was beyond me.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

I shook my head at her and said, "Why don't you let me talk to him?"

I suppose I should feel sorry for him, but he brought it on himself. Bella had never said yes to him, and we'd obviously been a couple ever since spring break.

_"Hello?" _Tyler's voice sounded slightly hopeful, and I knew I would have to squash that hope immediately.

"Hello, Tyler, this is Edward Cullen. I'm sorry if there's been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight." I tried to make my words sound friendly, but then decided that a character like this needed a more obvious discouragement since he hadn't been able to take even the not-so-subtle hints. "To be perfectly honest," I said more coldly, "she'll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned. No offense. And I'm sorry about your evening." I wasn't sorry in the least as a matter of fact, and I snapped the phone shut before he could say anything. I probably liked that a little too much, and when I felt the heat of Bella's blush and heard her heart beat quicken, I wiped the smirk off my face and turned to look into her angry, tear-filled eyes.

"Was that last part a bit too much? I didn't mean to offend you." After all, I didn't want to control her life- I just wanted to be apart of it.

She brushed off my comment with a wave of her hand. "You're taking me to _the prom_!"

The velocity of her accusation shocked me. How could she truly be this surprised? I remembered Alice's vision of Bella enjoying the dance. Bella's lips were pressed tightly together, and she was glaring narrowly at me. I had the feeling that if she were given the chance, she'd try to bolt from the car and probably trip and hurt herself. Not to mention miss out on a wonderful experience. I matched her hard expression with one of my own and said, "Don't be difficult, Bella."

Her eyes flicked to the window. We were halfway there, and the anger in her face flickered with a hint of fear. "Why are you doing this to me?" The tone in her voice was full of horror and mortification. Why couldn't she trust me? I wouldn't force her to do something that she wouldn't enjoy.

I gestured at my tux. "Honestly, Bella, what did you think we were doing?"

She didn't answer me, but tears were rolling down her face, and she quickly brushed them away and looked out the window.

"This is completely ridiculous. Why are you crying?" I asked, frustrated and confused.

"Because I'm _mad!_"

"Bella," I said gently, looking deeply into her eyes and hoping I could dazzle her into forgetting her anger.

"What?" she asked, her eyes unfocused for a moment.

"Humor me." I held her gaze and saw the fury melt from her eyes.

"Fine. I'll go quietly. But you'll see. I'm way overdue for more bad luck. I'll probably break my other leg. Look at this shoe! It's a death trap!" Bella moved the folds of her skirt and pointed at her leg wrapped in ribbons from the one high heel.

With such an invitation as this, I allowed my eyes to linger on the curve of her ankle and calf longer than was entirely proper. "Hmmm. Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight."

"Alice is going to be there?"

"With Jasper, and Emmett…and Rosalie," I said, hoping that the fact that Rosalie would be there wouldn't bother her. Rosalie mainly ignored her, but as nice as it was for me to have Rosalie ignore me and mainly keep her thoughts on anything else but my relationship with Bella, I knew that Rosalie's rudeness bothered Bella. Probably more than she let on.

Bella shook her head and suddenly asked, "Is Charlie in on this?" The tone of her voice sounded like she was accusing a traitor of mutiny.

I grinned. "Of course," I said and then chuckled quietly. "Apparently Tyler wasn't, though."

I heard Bella's teeth grinding together, but she said nothing as we drove up to the school. I parked across the lot from Rosalie's red convertible and got out of the car to open Bella's door.

The sun was setting, and a few beams of golden light shown through the clouds. It was a stark contrast to the cloudy expression that Bella wore when I opened her door. Her arms were crossed in front of her, and she looked as if she wished she could glue herself to the seat. Her stormy expression didn't waver as she knew I couldn't forcefully take her from the car with so many people in the parking lot. Not that I would have regardless.

I sighed. "When someone wants to kill you, you're as brave as a lion- and then when someone mentions dancing…" I shook my head.

Bella gulped and the stubbornness that emanated from her turned to fear. Her breathing accelerated, and her heart sped. I was so in tune with her now, that I could easily sense her moods just by the rhythm of her heart and lungs.

"Bella," I said soothingly, "I won't let anything hurt you - not even yourself." I'd promised that to myself when she was in the hospital, and it applied to so many things. She looked up at me, still doubtful, and I said, "I won't let go of you once, I promise."

The storm that had been brewing dissipated, and my own personal sun was shining again as she looked up at me.

"There, now," I said gently as I leaned down and wrapped my arm around her waist, "it won't be so bad." Helping her from the car, I kept my arm tightly around her as we walked toward the school. Bella still limped slightly even as I supported her weight, and it tore at the guilt that I would always feel for her injuries. She wouldn't miss out on this experience because of her broken leg. Not because of what I'd done to her. My goal tonight was to make her forget about it and to enjoy this human experience without me getting in the way.

We walked slowly toward the gym partly for Bella's sake and partly for my own. These were the times when I desperately wished I couldn't read minds. The thoughts of every human echoed through my head, and I heard the music playing on the speakers from each of the hundred minds in the crowded gym. It was more difficult to ignore the mental assault in situations like this. The panic, fear, insecurity, smugness, jealousy, and anger were stronger on nights like these.

_The Cullens are such freaks. Why would anyone want to dance on the same floor with them anyway._

_ He isn't going to ask me… not that I want him to…_

_ How could I dance near Rosalie? My dress looks like a rag compared to hers._

I looked through their minds at my family then as they twirled gracefully around each other as if they were in a competition. I realized suddenly that Emmett and Jasper _did _have a competition of sorts going, but Alice and Rosalie weren't supposed to know about it.

Many of the thoughts coming from each female in the room were focused on Rosalie. Jealous, envious, or impressed every girl seemed to lose a measure of self-esteem when they looked at her. It was silly in my opinion. Rosalie's overly revealing red dress was too much like her car. _Ostentatious_. It bothered me how many girls in the room wanted to emulate her. If they only new how shallow their desires were, how the attraction that they wanted to possess was already within their reach, and how they would only be attracting the boys that they _didn't_ admire if they copied Rosalie's style, perhaps they would see her for what she was.

The fantasies in almost every mind of each boy in the room were even more irritating to me. They kept thinking of the next step.

_ Will she let me kiss her tonight?_

_ I wonder if she'd push me away if I moved my hand farther down her back._

Often their thoughts weren't put into words. It annoyed me that most of them couldn't just enjoy what they had right now. Enjoy the moment they were in. Cherish the girl resting on their arm.

When we walked into the lamely decorated gym, Bella stared up at the cheesy balloon arches and started giggling behind her hand. "This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen," she whispered to me as she tried to suppress her snickers.

I couldn't disagree with her, but thought of a different reason than the decorations. "Well," I whispered, "There are _more _than enough vampires present."

I brought Bella slowly toward the ticket table while I tried to focus my thoughts only on her. She leaned conspiratorially over to me and whispered. "Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?"

"And where do you fit into that scheme?" I glared at her, wondering how she could always joke about something so wrong.

"Oh, I'm with the vampires, of course."

My returning smile was reluctant as I considered the damage my life had done to hers. "Anything to get out of dancing," I said, trying to make a joke of it as well.

She nodded. "Anything."

I bought our tickets and turned Bella toward the dance floor; the closer we got to the dancing couples the tighter she held me and the slower her feet moved. "I've got all night," I said in warning as I continued to drag her slowly forward. I couldn't just whisk her along with me as I wanted to with so many witnesses watching us, but eventually I'd moved her into the center of the floor near to where my brother and sisters were dancing.

"Edward," Bella said, whispering hoarsely. "I _honestly _can't dance!" Her face was whiter than usual, and horror clouded her eyes.

"Don't worry, silly," I said quietly back. "I _can._"

Grinning, I put her arms around my neck and gently picked her up so that I could slide my feet under her own. I listened to the music and disregarded it, choosing to waltz instead. I'd realized what contest my brothers had been engaged in without their wives' knowledge. It was "_dance in a style that is the most opposite to the music_" or something to that effect, and I decided to do the same.

As we whirled around the room, Bella slowly began to smile, and her eyes twinkled. Finally she laughed and said, "I feel like I'm five years old."

"You don't look five," I said deeply. More glad than I could say that she was mine right now. I pulled her closer to me as we moved across the floor.

_See, Edward, exactly as I said. She loves it! _Alice was ecstatic that Bella was enjoying herself and smiled at her as they caught each other's eye. Bella smiled back and Alice's thoughts were smug. _I knew Bella couldn't dislike my makeover as much as she'd complained about it. _I decided not to mention to Alice how upset Bella had been in the car. Why burst her bubble?

_Just walk in, it's no big deal. A little prom crashing that's all. … Geez, why did he want me to do this? How badly do I want to embarrass myself just for a bribe? Right, I wanted to see Bella, didn't I?_

"Okay, this isn't half-bad," Bella said, but I barely heard her. I was watching Jacob Black enter the room. He was staring at Bella, wondering if he should approach us now or wait till after the song.

_Man, he's wearing a tux. How can I compete with a rich, handsome, older guy in a _tux_. I must look like a turd._

"What is it?" Bella asked me and then turned her head to see what I was looking at.

_Wow, she looks fantastic. I'm such an idiot. She's going to hate me after this. _Jacob began to cross over to us, and I saw Bella's expression through his mind, turning from surprise to pity. _Maybe if she knows how embarrassing this is for me, she won't hate me too much. She looks like she wouldn't mind dancing with me. I wouldn't mind her hating me forever if I get to hold her for a few minutes with the way she's looking tonight._

I couldn't help the quiet growl that rumbled in my chest when I heard his thoughts, but Bella turned on me. "Be_have_!" she said.

"He wants to chat with you." I couldn't help but be annoyed that his intrusion was going to make me break my promise to Bella, but I couldn't very well toss him across the room. He needed to just say what he came to say and be gone.

_This is so stupid, _Jacob thought and was barely able to meet Bella's eyes through his embarrassment as he walked up to us. "Hey, Bella, I was hoping you would be here." _And also _not _hoping you would be here. I can't believe I'm doing this…_

"Hi, Jacob." Bella smiled encouragingly at him. "What's up?"

"Can I cut in?" Jacob asked, looking at me for the first time since he entered the room. _Man, he doesn't look like he wants to leave her, but I can't blame him… If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to let go of her either._

I didn't say anything and tried to keep my jealously from showing on my face as I set Bella on her own feet and stepped back.

"Thanks," Jacob said and smiled appreciatively. His mind was more interesting than Mike Newton's, but letting Bella go to anyone else was not something I particularly wanted to be thanked for. I just nodded, however, and searched Bella's face for a moment before walking to stand next to the wall. She didn't seem to remember my promise or mind at all that his hands were now around her waist. I listened to his smug thoughts as he thought she'd sounded impressed at how tall he was getting. That's something you say to children, right? It shouldn't bother me. Why was I seething with anger then?

_Why does she keep wearing that funny perfume? _Jacob's mind registered _my _scent that was lingering around Bella, and I felt an odd pleasure. Perhaps it was the predatory instinct in me that made me feel so uncontrollably possessive. I knew that I should learn to control this side of me, but I was enjoying the fact that somehow I had left evidence of some sort of claim on her. On another level of my reaction, my possessiveness bothered me and reminded me of my inhumanity. Humans don't claim a mate like vampires do. If Bella had felt that way with me, she wouldn't be able to calmly hold him like she was. But her actions weren't inhuman; mine were.

"Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself, at least." I overheard Bella say to him, "Seen anything you like?" She nodded toward a group of girls lined up like brightly colored flowers against the wall of the gym.

"Yeah." _You._ He sighed. "But she's taken." _Do I want her to know I meant her? _I watched through Jacob's eyes as he looked down at Bella. Seeing the confusion and then understanding before they both looked away from each other. Bella had blushed and Jacob was embarrassed. _I'm glad she knows I like her even if she just thinks of me as a friend. _He fingered the wisps of chiffon clinging around her waist as they awkwardly swayed to the music, and I suddenly realized that I'd ground my fingertips a quarter of an inch into the brick wall behind me.

"You look really pretty, by the way," Jacob said shyly.

He might as well have not said anything if that was the best compliment he could come up with. Not that I wanted him to compliment her at all. It was exasperating.

"Um, thanks. So why did Billy pay you to come here?" Bella asked quickly, and I hoped Jacob would answer just as quickly so that he could leave sooner.

"He said it was a 'safe' place to talk to you. I swear the old man is losing his mind." Jacob laughed at his own joke, and Bella joined in weakly.

"Anyway, he said that if I told you something, he would get me that cylinder I need." His sheepish grin must have added some amount of likeability in Bella's eyes.

"Tell me, then. I want you to get your car finished." Bella grinned back at him, and I watched her expression, careful to keep my own feelings concealed. Just because I felt this possessive toward her didn't mean it was _right_. She glanced at me, and I carefully kept my expression neutral.

"Don't get mad, okay?" _I can't keep stalling like this… just spit it out._

"There's no way I'll be mad at you, Jacob. I won't even be mad at Billy. Just say what you have to."

"Well-this is so stupid, I'm sorry, Bella-" His words came out in one breath. "He wants you to break up with your boyfriend. He asked me to tell you 'please.'" _Crazy old man… anyone can see the Cullen's aren't vampires. _Jacob shook his head, more disgusted with his own part in this than even his Dad wanting Bella to break up with me over a 'superstition.'

"He's still superstitious, eh?"

"Yeah." _Man, I'm glad she's taking this so well… _"He was…kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix." _That's an understatement… _"He didn't believe…" _Yeah, I don't need to give her the gruesome details. _Jacob remembered some of Billy's mumblings and felt self-conscious as Bella's eyes narrowed at him.

"I fell," she said evenly.

"I know that," Jacob answered quickly.

"He thinks Edward had something to do with me getting hurt."

_Oh, great, she _is _mad now. _Jacob couldn't meet her eyes, and he'd stopped trying to sway with the music as their conversation got more intense.

"Look, Jacob, I know Billy probably won't believe this, but just so you know-" Jacob looked at her then, registering the intensity of her words. "Edward really did save my life. If it weren't for Edward and his father, I'd be dead."

"I know," he said. _At least I know now. Wow… she's really intense. I've been listening to my Dad too much. Not that I could convince him of anything different._

"Hey, I'm sorry you had to come do this, Jacob." Bella's angry expression left as quickly as it had come, and now she was apologizing to _him_. Her generosity knew no bounds. "At any rate, you get your parts, right?"

"Yeah." _If I tell her the rest of the message. _He thought with even more embarrassment.

"There's more?"

"Forget it," he said, mumbling quietly. "I'll get a job and save the money myself." _That would be better than losing her friendship for life._

"Just spit it out, Jacob."

"It's so bad."

"I don't care. Tell me."

_Great. _"Okay… but, geez, this sounds bad." He shook his head. "He said to tell you, no, to _warn _you, that - and this is his plural, not mine…" he removed a hand from her waist and added air quotes to his words. "'We'll be watching.'" Jacob watched Bella anxiously, his mind in turmoil for a few seconds as he was horrified at his own words. _Air quotes? Why did I do that? It makes it sound so perverted. I shouldn't have even come… What? Why is she laughing?_

"Sorry you had to do this, Jake," Bella said still chuckling.

I supposed it could be funny if there wasn't so much truth in the warning. Personally, I couldn't laugh at his words.

"I don't mind _that _much." The relief in Jacob's mind was almost palpable, as he heard her laughter, he grinned at her. Her reaction also seemed to make him more confident, and he allowed himself a quick appraising glance from her bare shoulders down her dress. _Getting to see her like this was worth the _humiliation, he thought, and I grew more impatient for him to be gone.

He grinned when his eyes met hers again. "So, should I tell him you said to butt the hell out?" His tone was hopeful, but his mind was that of a comrade. I didn't have to like him, but I couldn't be angry either if I was being fair. He thought of her as a kindred-spirit, which was much better than all of Bella's school friends, except Angela Webber.

But I wasn't being fair, and I didn't feel any inclination to reward him as I'd done for Angela. With any guy that liked Bella, there were naturally other rules that applied between us.

I heard the music winding toward its ending and began to walk over to them.

"No." Bella sighed. "Tell him I said thanks. I know he means well."

When the song ended, Bella dropped her arms, but Jacob didn't. He glanced down at her cast. "Do you want to dance again? Or can I help you get somewhere?"

"That's all right, Jacob," I said. "I'll take it from here."

I'd surprised him, and he flinched at my words, his eyes were wide. "Hey, I didn't see you there." _I wish she _would_ break up with him, but I suppose that would be too much to ask for. Anyway, she seems happy enough. _"I guess I'll see you around, Bella." _Probably not, but I can dream, can't I?_

Bella smiled at him as he let go of her, and said, "Yeah, I'll see you later."

"Sorry," Jacob said to her again before he turned and walked toward the door.

I wound my arms around Bella again and put her on my feet as the next song began to play. An up-tempo number began, and I happily danced even slower to keep up with Jasper and Emmett's little game.

_…Wish I could have stayed with her longer… right, dream on Jacob…_

"Feeling better?" Bella said, a teasing twinkle in her eye.

"Not really," I admitted as I listened to Jacob's thoughts fade away into the parking lot.

"Don't be mad at Billy." Bella sighed indulgently. "He just worries about me for Charlie's sake. It's nothing personal."

"I'm not mad at Billy." I'd already gone through and still go through my own fears for Bella that happened to be the same as Billy's, and his assumptions were more on target than it seemed could be possible. No, it wasn't Billy. "But his son is irritating me."

She pulled away from me and looked at my expression. Her eyes were simply curious and a little surprised. Of course, she wouldn't think anyone would find her attractive. She never had before.

"Why?"

"First of all, he made me break my promise."

She still looked confused and I explained. "I promised I wouldn't let go of you tonight." I half-smiled at her but was still annoyed.

"Oh. Well, I forgive you."

"Thanks. But there's something else." I frowned wondering what part of what he said or thought that had annoyed me I should actually tell her. I decided to only mention the thing that he'd said out loud. "He called you _pretty_," I said, my frown deepening. "That's practically an insult, the way you look right now. You're much more than beautiful."

Bella laughed. "You might be a little biased."

"I don't think that's it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight." Too many of the boys in the room were wishing they were in my place, not that she'd believe me if I told her that. I _wouldn't _tell her regardless. None of them were worthy of her as I'd always known since I'd known Bella at all. Acknowledging their repulsive thoughts was giving them too much credence.

I held her close as we twirled, pushing my annoyance aside and following my own advice of enjoying the moment. It wasn't hard to do when Bella was in my arms. I had dreamed of this moment, not believing at the time that it could be possible.

I happened to catch the thoughts of Angela and Ben as we moved past them and was grateful that at least one human couple was blissfully in love in all of these discontented minds. I smiled when I remembered my own part in that romance, and was glad that Ben was worthy of Angela. Their thoughts mirrored my own, and I wondered what Bella could be thinking right now.

"So are you going to explain the reason for all of this?" Bella asked.

I looked down at her, confused and slightly hurt. Wasn't she enjoying herself? She seemed to be, even in spite of the interruption. Then she glared meaningfully at the crepe paper decorations.

_Right._ She had been utterly shocked at where I was taking her, even though the date of the prom was pasted on practically every wall of the school. Even though we were obviously dressed up for a special occasion.

I needed to know what she'd been expecting and wanted to leave the noise and buzzing thoughts of the crowd behind me while we talked. I changed our direction and danced toward the exit.

We passed Jessica and Mike on our way to the door. Jessica was merely curious as to where I was taking Bella, and they smiled at each other as Jessica waved quickly. Mike's repulsive thoughts took a different turn when he saw that I was leading Bella toward a secluded location. I quickly ignored his thoughts, wishing that I hadn't grown so accustomed to tuning into their minds. It made ignoring them much harder.

Soon we were outside, and I gently picked Bella up, cradling her in my arms to give her leg a rest and took her to a bench beneath a madrone tree. The fading light of the sunset made the clouds around the moon glow slightly pink. I stared at the moon, still cradling Bella in my lap as I sat on the bench.

"The point?" she said softly.

"Twilight, again," I said sadly. "Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end." I knew my time with her would have to end, but I selfishly didn't want it to.

"Some things don't have to end," Bella said through her teeth, her tone was suddenly tense, and I knew that this could be an opening for the same old argument. I turned the conversation to her original question.

"I brought you to the prom," I said slowly, looking into her warm eyes, "because I don't want you to miss anything. I don't want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be _human. _I want your life to continue as it would have if I'd died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have."

She shuddered when I said that and then shook her head, anger seeping into her voice. "In what strange parallel dimension would I _ever _have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren't a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this."

I smiled briefly, always amused at her fury.

"It wasn't so bad, you said so yourself." Maybe she needed me to help her see the importance of these human experiences? Or maybe that was just another excuse to prolong my time with her.

"That's because I was with you."

I stared up at the moon again and felt her staring at me. I didn't know what to say to her. I _wanted _to be with her forever, but I knew this was better. Why couldn't she appreciate what we had now? I wondered if it was just another human quality that vampires lacked. That innate desire to want the next thing. Maybe the drive was a good thing, or maybe it just made everyone discontent. At least they had the possibility of something better. My discontentment came in the fact that I never would change. Perhaps that was part of the curse of our existence. To always want the next thing, but knowing, for us, it was never possible.

Suddenly, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask. "Will you tell me something?" I looked down at her and smiled slightly.

"Don't I always?"

"Just promise you'll tell me," I said insistently, my smile widening.

"Fine," she said in resignation.

"You seemed honestly surprised when you figured out that I was taking you here…"

"I _was._"

"Exactly, but you must have had some other theory… I'm curious: what did you _think _I was dressing you up for?"

She pursed her lips and her breathing hesitated. "I don't want to tell you."

"You promised."

"I know."

"What's the problem?"

"I think it will make you mad - or sad," she said quietly.

Be that as it may, I needed to know what she was thinking more than I needed anything on this earth. "I still want to know. Please?"

She sighed, and I knew that she would tell me. She just needed to order her words. I waited.

"Well… I assumed it was some kind of… occasion. But I didn't think it would be some trite, human thing… prom!" She scoffed on the last word, looking irritable again.

"Human?" I asked. _What sort of inhuman occasion would I take her to? _I wondered what she'd imagined. It was ridiculous how mortals glorified our lives as if we were just happily living forever.

"Okay," she finally said in a rush. "So I was hoping that you might have changed your mind… that you were going to change _me,_ after all."

I didn't know what to think. My mind moved from anger to pain to indignation to embarrassment. _How could she think I would be so selfish? Didn't she understand how I loved her at all?_ Imagine dressing up for such a gruesome occasion, black funeral attire would be more accurate. She didn't know that my eyes would show the evidence of her transformation just as much as her eyes would change. What would her father think of her disappearance - let alone the tribe since they'd 'be watching' her. I didn't know how to answer her but managed to control my outrage and think of the humor of the situation instead.

"You thought that would be a black tie occasion, did you?" I teased and fingered the lapel of my tux.

She scowled at me and blushed. "I don't know how these things work. To me, at least, it seemed more rational than prom does." I was still grinning, thinking of the ludicrousness of how she viewed prom and her skewed image of vampirism. "It's not funny," she said.

"No, you're right, it's not." My smile slid from my face. "I'd rather treat it like a joke, though, than believe you're serious."

"But I am serious."

I sighed deeply. "I know. And you're really that willing?" She bit her lip and nodded, and that gesture, her biting her lip, always something that she did when she was anxious hurt me more than anything. Even if that obvious apprehension wasn't evident in her face right now, I was afraid that she would blame me for eternity for taking her soul. I couldn't stand that thought, the pain of her rejection when she found out what my damned existence was truly like.

"So ready for this to be the end," I said almost to myself, "for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You're ready to give up everything."

"It's not the end. It's the beginning," she said under her breath.

Her reactions were always backwards.

I stared for a moment at the orchids that I'd pinned to her hair. They had no scent, at least not one that a human could detect, the intricacies of the blossom were enough to draw insects and people to them. They often grew in the most unlikely of places, some even blossomed underground, so fascinating, so secretive. I couldn't help but relate the delicate blossom with Bella herself. It meant 'beauty' just as her name did, and even if Bella's scent hadn't drawn me to herself, I knew that I would have come to her all the same. Just as the orchid's intricacies fascinated an observer without any scent at all, Bella would have drawn me to herself in the same way.

But I was painfully aware of her scent, of my reaction to that scent, of who I am.

"I'm not worth it," I said. How I wished I were, but even if I could be worthy of her giving everything up to be with me, I loved her too much to allow it. How could I say I truly loved her if I wanted her any different than how she was right now? Why couldn't she see that I refused to turn her because I loved her too much to be that selfish?

"Do you remember when you told me that I didn't see myself very clearly?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "You obviously have the same blindness."

"I know what I am," I said quietly. She deserved so much more. Even though I wished for her understanding, I was glad in a way that she couldn't understand the wars that I constantly fought with myself, but just because she couldn't understand them didn't mean they weren't there.

Bella sighed, and I suddenly wanted to get this conversation over with.

I wanted to call her bluff. She couldn't truly be ready to be poisoned with this internal war, and I would find out.

"You're ready now, then?" I asked probing her face for a sign that she would back down.

"Um." She gulped. "Yes?"

I smiled, sensing in her reaction that she would tell me to stop and slowly bent my head down so that my lips brushed against the soft skin under her jaw. Her pulse sped and the warmth of her blood just under her skin seemed to call even more strongly to me.

"Right now?" I said, whispering into her neck. She shivered as my breath washed over her.

Her breathing was erratic, and she was rigid in my arms; her hands were tightly clenched into small fists, but she said, "Yes," and her whispered answer had left the question mark behind.

I leaned closer to her neck, brushing my lips across her throat.

She didn't move away from me or say anything else. She wasn't giving up.

I chuckled without humor as I leaned away from her, disappointed that she still was so set in this decision. "You can't really believe that I would give in so easily," I said mockingly.

"A girl can dream." Her voice sounded wistful.

"Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?" I attempted to keep the outrage out of my voice, raising my eyebrows in concern again at her mental health.

"Not exactly," she said, frowning at me. "Mostly I dream about being with you forever."

My incredulity disappeared as I heard her words. The ache in her voice felt like my own ache. Sadness washed over me again.

I wanted to give her everything, I wanted to lasso the moon if she desired it, but I couldn't do something so wrong. I couldn't think of a blacker sin that condemning this innocent human to a soulless life.

"Bella," I said gently, lightly tracing her lips with my little finger. "I _will _stay with you-isn't that enough?"

She smiled slightly as I continued to trace her lips. "Enough for now."

I frowned. Would I never convince her that what we had didn't need any alteration? I exhaled, almost growling as I pushed my frustration away. No one would surrender tonight.

She put her hand on my face. "Look," she said earnestly. "I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"

"Yes, it is enough," I said, smiling at her declaration. Each time I heard her say she loved me it felt the same as the first time I'd heard it. "Enough for forever," I said, confirming the truth.

I leaned closer to her, moving my finger tips from her lips, tracing down her jaw, neck and across her shoulder. Then I pressed my lips once again to her throat.

----------

Now if you haven't read "Dark Side of the Moon" (EPOV from New Moon) don't walk RUN to read it. It's totally awesome. It's a favorite on my profile for anyone to find it easily.

Thanks so much for the reviews and support! If you like it and know other fans who are in pain because she didn't finish this book please share the link with them to put them out of their misery too.

I had so much fun with Edwards perspective that I might do more in the future... We'll see. ;]


End file.
